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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about coming home and dinner time?

141 replies

KellysZeros · 06/12/2016 07:57

I'll try and describe the scene. DH and I have just moved house to a new area (no children yet). He has a busy job and I'm looking for new work (and quite likely to be doing some freelance work). We have 1 car and we live about a 10 minute drive from the train station that DH uses to get to work, and I've been dropping him off, and picking him up. I've therefore been responsible for keeping the house in order, making dinner, etc, while I look for work.

Last night, I send DH a message at 5pm asking what time he might be home. He messages back to say he'll be at the train station at 6.30. Then messages a bit later to say it will be 7, then again a bit later to say it will be 7.30.

I pick him up from the station, and when he gets home, he starts to complain that dinner is not ready. (Dinner was going to be something I could make in 20 minutes - fry some fish, boil potatoes and steamed beans). I explain it's difficult to plan when I don't know when he'll be home (he has a habit of being late, or underestimating how long something will take - together, we're often late for things).

Anyway, he says he would like to use my laptop to write some work emails while I cook dinner, so he goes off to my office (where I've been doing the freelancing). I cook dinner and after 20 minutes, I shout upstairs that dinner is ready. 5 minutes later, I go up and tell him, I wait (hungrily) downstairs, and after a further 10 minutes say I'll start without him. He eventually comes down after another 15 minutes. He then complains that my office was a bit messy.

I appreciate he has a busy stressful job, but I think his behaviour last night was so disrespectful and I'm still angry with him this morning. He feels that he is being put under pressure to come home on time, and he feels overworked.

AIBU to be annoyed with him last night?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 06/12/2016 10:09

Ok I have clearly missed something.

Back in the 80s before we had a microwave and there were no mobile phones, my Mum would make the dinner whenever she wanted, then Dad would reheat it in the oven when he came home. He might boil the kettle and make gravy if it looked a bit dry.
We'd have all eaten ours long ago and were watching the telly, so he'd bring his in on a tray and eat it with us for the company.

Are you saying that your partner is even more old fashioned than my late Dad and wants a freshly cooked dinner plonked down in front of him no matter what time he comes home?

Why else would you not have had something ready to be reheated by 7.30?

I don't understand why there was no dinner made by that time, I really don't .

Olympiathequeen · 06/12/2016 10:10

I think he's slipped into the mindset of some men of thinking that if you are staying at home doing the housework and cooking you've become his unpaid servant and deserve to be treated as such.

Put him straight NOW!

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/12/2016 10:12

My DH can be a bit of a stickler for not wanting food overcooked, so yes, he would like a fresh meal (as would I to be honest) and I'd like to have it together

OP posts:
Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 10:14

Do you leave the house much Kelly??

It can seriously drive you mad if you're sitting in waiting for your partner to get back, especially if he then is late but I don't think being late from work is unreasonable behaviour.

I truly believe that once you've got into a swing of things and you feel more in control of your life it won't bother you if he's a wee bit late.

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2016 10:14

I think my Mum enjoyed the misery of waiting for it to boil on the stove Xmas Grin

Bobochic · 06/12/2016 10:15

Gosh, Maxwell, did you mean to be so condescending?

NavyandWhite · 06/12/2016 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 10:16

if he is late though he needs to get what he's given and be grateful. I would throw his food away if he complained about what I gave him, that's just rude

Taytocrisps · 06/12/2016 10:20

If his work is such that he can't estimate what time he'll be home at, I'd cook dinner early and eat your own, then you/he just have to re-heat his when you get back from picking him up. That way there's no pressure on him to come home by a certain time. If you go on to have kids, you'll probably have to do this anyway as it wouldn't be fair to leave the kids waiting around until 7 or 7.30 to eat dinner. He must have been fairly hungry when he got home at 7.30/7.45 (I presume he left the house early in the morning) so I can understand why he might have been annoyed at having to wait a further 20 minutes. You were probably starving yourself!

Sounds like it's early days yet and your DH is very stressed - he has told you that he feels overworked. Perhaps he feels he has to make a good impression in the new office by putting in long hours etc.

As for the office being untidy, if it's your space then it's up to you to keep it as you wish. I'm assuming the rest of the house was tidy.

I'd come down very heavily on any mention of or comparison with his DM. You are not his mother, you're an individual and you do/will do things differently.

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 10:21

I'm not being condescending she's said numerous times that she's living in the sticks after moving to a new country, and had to give up her job, anyone would be bored and feeling a bit out of control. I know exactly how that feels and I know that what helped me was going out and making friends and getting a hobby.

PlumsGalore · 06/12/2016 10:24

I think this is a trivial disagreement and not worthy of a MN post tbh. Cook dinner for the usual time, if he is late, plate it up and stick it in the microwave. DH never comes home at the same time, impossible as he travels, I serve dinner at a time that suits me. He nukes his when he gets in, if he doesn't like it he can always make his own (unlikely).

That is the way it is.

NavyandWhite · 06/12/2016 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aderyn2016 · 06/12/2016 10:28

I have been a trailing spouse and I currently am a sahp and my husband would not behave like this. You need to put a stop to this now, before it snowballs.

I think you need to stop taking responsibility for everything that goes on in the home. So go back to taking it in turns to cook. Just because he has been at work, it doesn't prevent him from taking responsibility for his share of domestic life. You are working too, building your freelance work. You have already given up a job on order to support his, don't let him turn you into a skivvy!

Serious words need to be had and changes made because he is taking you for granted and it will only get worse if you don't put a stop to it, esp if you have kids and sah - he will expect you to do all the shit work.

Taytocrisps · 06/12/2016 10:30

"Boil the kettle first Worra."

Navy I'm sure there's a law against this

ElspethFlashman · 06/12/2016 10:31

He may be a bit of a stickler for freshly made food but frankly that idea needs to be flung out the window at great force.

You need some assertiveness training.

A) to tell him that you're eating by 6.30 whether he's there or not as otherwise you'll be starving, so if he's not back by then it's reheated food.

B) if he's faffing around upstairs to shout up "Ok I'm starting" and leave it up to him what he does thereafter.

C) to say "you keep your desk however you want and I'll keep mine"

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 06/12/2016 10:33

Worra I've got an induction stove. Boils a full pan of water in 1.5 minutes. It's the future Grin

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/12/2016 10:37

My DH can be a bit of a food snob (pesto should never come from a jar) and (this bit is probably a bit identifying) said "Why could you not have everything mise en place?"

OP posts:
Taytocrisps · 06/12/2016 10:40

So have everything mise en place by shoving his pre-cooked dinner into the microwave.

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 10:42

Well in that case he can make his own pesto. If he doesn't like reheated food or what you serve he has to make his own, it's as simple as that.

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2016 10:42

If he's a stickler for fresh food, why didn't he come when he was called?

Incidentally, show me a "stickler" and I'll show you a controlling arsehole.

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 10:44

how did it work before you moved, when you both worked?

CocktailQueen · 06/12/2016 10:46

My DH can be a bit of a stickler for not wanting food overcooked, so yes, he would like a fresh meal (as would I to be honest) and I'd like to have it together

My DH can be a bit of a food snob (pesto should never come from a jar) and (this bit is probably a bit identifying) said "Why could you not have everything mise en place?"

So why didn't he come when he was called for dinner? What a controlling arse.

Leaving thread now, OP, as your h is making my blood boil. Entitled, rude tosser!

shovetheholly · 06/12/2016 10:47

Unless someone died or is in the process thereof, there is no valid excuse for keeping someone waiting when they have served hot food for you the table. It's totally rude and disrespectful.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 06/12/2016 10:50

Kick him in the nadgers op. He sounds completely awful. Sexist basically.

And, no, op should not have to cook every night just because her dh has a fucking job!

That is so ridiculous I don't even know where to start with it.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 06/12/2016 10:54

Op had a job which she very unwisely generously agreed to give up to enable him to start a new job.

She did not sign up to be his domestic skivvy at the same time!

I despair of Mumsnet sometimes, I really do.

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