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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No you plonker ex husband you are not allowed to know if my tree is up yet

91 replies

Potentialmadcatlady · 03/12/2016 22:19

AIBU to think that my plonker exh has no business is asking kids whether 'our Christmas tree' is up yet and when told NO it's none of his business to ask 'why not'.... 5+ plus years of endless court dates, financial ruin, fraud, irregular contact, constant inappropriate behaviour and he wants to know 'why our tree isn't up yet'.... Bastard

OP posts:

Pestilence13610 · 03/12/2016 22:23

And relax, you are going to have more than enough unavoidable battles with this prat.
My parents always used to put the tree up when we broke up from school, no hurry Christmas does not need to last 10% of the year. Now you are freeish, you can lead your life the way you want.

Original poster

Potentialmadcatlady · 03/12/2016 22:29

The unavoidable battles have been going on for 8+ years now.. His behaviour has slowly been getting worse and is now at the point that he causes upset of some sort at least twice a week... The kids are nearly adults... I don't ask him what he does.. Just wish he would leave me alone...tree isn't even going up this year at all because we won't be here..

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BathshebaSnowflakeStone · 03/12/2016 22:33

Can they just blank all questions? I do this with certain members of my family.

PrettySophisticated · 03/12/2016 22:34

I've been asked if my tree is up about a dozen times this week. (no and it won't be for another 3 weeks because I refuse to dust it). It hasn't occurred to me to take offence.

Rainbunny · 03/12/2016 22:38

How bizarre! What possible significance could he derive from knowing when/if you have a Christmas tree up?

Original poster

Potentialmadcatlady · 03/12/2016 22:39

Bathsheba.. I tell them to do that ' but he just keeps going on at me'
Pretty.. He does it because he's still trying to control us...he is not an easy person and has tried his v best to both emotionally and financially ruin me because I dared to oppose him.. He wants yo know every detail of my life and frankly what I do in my own home is none of his business.. I have had four phone calls and three solicitors letters in the last two weeks alone..

OP posts:

Sprink · 03/12/2016 22:40

Gawd, this is so not about the tree!

Why does it still bother you what he asks about? That's a genuine, interested question.

Sprink · 03/12/2016 22:42

Ah. X-posted. Seems to be a control issue?

But do his queries actually exert control over you or are they simply annoying?

PrettySophisticated · 03/12/2016 22:43

I know, but in the instance of the tree, he only get any control if you give it to him. It doesn't matter if he knows if your tree is up and if he's desperate to know that level of detail then he's obviously feeling like he doesn't have much control over you. (so you're winning!)

Rainbunny · 03/12/2016 22:44

Bloody Hell! Is his only legitimate reason to contact you the children? I only ask because once they are adults hopefully you can ignore him completely, if not already!

JustSpeakSense · 03/12/2016 22:46

I'm Sorry you have been having such a difficult time with ExH. I'm
Sure he is an arse, however the Christmas tree comment is not that bad really. You have allowed him to get to you again, and this time it seems an overreaction, don't let him win.

Pestilence13610 · 03/12/2016 22:51

four phone calls and three solicitors letters in the last two weeks is excessive and harassment, are you getting some advice support in RL?

BathshebaSnowflakeStone · 03/12/2016 22:54

Oh that's so difficult. If I were your DC I probably would have already gone NC with him. I couldn't give less of a shiny shit whether my ex has a tree up or not.

ClopySow · 03/12/2016 22:55

Three solicitors letters? Blimey. He must have money to burn.

Foslady · 03/12/2016 22:58

How about them asking why he wants to know - and when he says along the lines of being normal conversation then blank him with a 'no it's not, mum's your ex, leave her be' and immediately ask him a question back about anything totally mundane?
He sounds a bloody nightmare-good luck

throwingpebbles · 03/12/2016 23:13

Huge sympathies, I have a controlling ex and know how they manipulate situations, so I can understand your reticence here. Think though you need

Mistletoetastic · 03/12/2016 23:13

If he speaks to you then just pretend that you can't speak English. Shoulder shrugs and confused facial expressions are empowering

WatchingFromTheWings · 03/12/2016 23:26

My ExH went through a phase of sending nonsense letters via solicitor. It got to a point where I informed his solicitor that any further letters would be returned unopened. He wrote to me once himself after that which I returned unopened via his solicitor saying I'd have him for harassment if he contacted me again. Not heard a peep since!

elliebellys · 03/12/2016 23:40

Op you have my sympathy.im in same boat.exh is forever quizzing dcs about everything goin on in my life.its annoying.nd sad that they've got nothing better to think about.

Lovewineandchocs · 03/12/2016 23:44

What are the letters and calls about?

Original poster

Potentialmadcatlady · 03/12/2016 23:49

Ok I'm going to try and answer you all..sorry if I miss anyone out..
Yes I know I shouldn't let him have any 'power' over me...the constant nonsence is just so draining...the kids did go NC after some particularly awful behaviour of his during summer ( including sending police because I was apparently harming them!... Police told me to get a non mol out on him but kids asked me not to because they still wanted to be able to phone him occasionally )
They gradually got back in touch with him a couple of months ago but aren't having regular contact ( at their request)- they see him about once a fortnight but his phone calls and demands are increasing daily...he is blocked on my phone and I NEVER speak to him face to face because of his horrendous behaviour and constant lies/demands..
We have had 16+ high court dates so far because of his fraudulent behaviour and refusal to cooperate with court....the family home has been sold at a loss to prevent repossession and there are other debts still outstanding so I may have to go bankrupt to get out from underneath it..he has 'lost' a massive amount of money ( enough to buy us both houses and then some) and doesn't pay any maintainence or provide in any way for the kids. He no longer 'works' ( or at least pretends not to) and has no way of paying back any of the money he owes me or the kids.
I have repeatedly asked the kids not to give him any details of what happens in our home/about me but he badgers them so they placate him..the phone calls are increasing in number daily and they often don't answer but he will literally just keep redailing until they do then yell at them for not answering sooner. I wish they would go back to NC but they find that difficult because 'he's our Dad'
The tree question is just the final straw in a very long list of annoyances/demands and I just needed a rant. If I told you half the stuff he had got up to it would take all night...I just want peace and to be able to keep the kids safe and happy

OP posts:

Lovewineandchocs · 03/12/2016 23:52

If you got a non-mol it would be for you, the kids could still phone him. Could you change your number and give them a separate mobile to contact him on?

Original poster

Potentialmadcatlady · 04/12/2016 00:02

He only phones on their phones...mine is blocked but one of them has SN so he worries a lot and talks to me a lot about what his Dad has said to him and what way he should answer..he needs a lot of guidance so me saying I don't want to talk about it doesn't work and isn't fair on him..
I should have got a non mol in the summer for all of us when he was really kicking off and appearing at house with his girlfriend in tow but I have worked really hard to keep the kids in a good routine etc over the years and I was trying not to rock the boat too much..stupid me that didn't work and his behaviour has now just got worse and worse

OP posts:

Lovewineandchocs · 04/12/2016 00:18

Honestly, I'd look again into getting one. I used to do these all the time when I practiced family law and very rarely did they cover the kids too, as they usually wanted to maintain some kind of contact. It would hopefully be some sort of deterrent to him as a breach would be a criminal offence.

Original poster

Potentialmadcatlady · 04/12/2016 00:26

Thanks I will do...I thought we all had to get one..didn't realise I could get one and the kids didn't have to be on it...
Thanks for listening to me everyone and for the flowers and advice...
( not putting a tree up is quite enjoyable- no work!)

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