No you plonker ex husband you are not allowed to know if my tree is up yet

[Potentialmadcatlady]

AIBU to think that my plonker exh has no business is asking kids whether 'our Christmas tree' is up yet and when told NO it's none of his business to ask 'why not'.... 5+ plus years of endless court dates, financial ruin, fraud, irregular contact, constant inappropriate behaviour and he wants to know 'why our tree isn't up yet'.... Bastard

What are the letters about? His solicitor must be laughing all the way to the bank.......

I know it will be hard and draining but could you look at it from a different angle? All these letters, phone calls, demands are of a man who likes to be in control but clearly isnt. If i was you i would look at him and laugh because he is just a pathetic man.

Okay, how do you know he asked about the tree? Do you ask the children what he has said and what they have spoken about when they return from visits? If so then you really need to stop. It will only enrage you and it serves no purpose.

If on the other hand one of them volunteered this information in general chat (which sounds unlikely unless they were wanting to discuss the lack of tree with you themselves) then you have to ask them politely to not discuss with you anything non important that they discuss with him.

Explain that it's better, in order to stop the pair of you becoming unnecessarily angry with one another over petty stuff, if they can just try to keep conversation with each parent about what the other one is up to to a bare minimum and only pass on essential information.

I have repeatedly told the kids I don't want to know what he says/does but he upsets them regularly and as I said one of them has SN so he literally tells me every thought that crosses his brain and he also worries a lot so needs help to come up with strategies to cope with his Dad's increasingly difficult behaviour.. Believe me I would rather never see/hear/speak/think about that man again but the kids say they need to offload to someone and that someone is me...
Reboot.. You are right.. He is getting worse because he no longer has any control over me and he is using the kids to try and keep some control...he has literally tried everything in order to stop the divorce going through ( it now has)..
The letters/phone calls are about financial stuff which is still ungoing...short version is that he has financially crippled both of us, left me with a lot of debt which we have proven in court via forensic accountant is his not mine and has been done in a fraudulent way ( someone has been signing my name on paperwork ) but 'there is nothing that can be done to recover the money from fraudulent dispation of assets' ... His most recent trick is to say he was going bankrupt within a week so the court proceedings would stop if I accepted 2k offer from him to stop proceedings.. I refused and surprise surprise he hasn't gone bankrupt... The most recent letters are about him and his barrister demanding to see a copy of my recently deceased parent will because he believes I am lying about not getting an inheritance ( he came to the funeral despite being asked not to)...
The 'tree' question just really annoyed me last night... I never ask what he does, never go near him or his home, ask kids about him but he is a constant annoying presence in our lives.. As I said he will literally redail for half hour if kids don't answer phone or turn up outside and txt them until they come out of house ...he is getting worse and worse...the constant phone calls to house resulting in upset kids, them making excuses not to see him instead of just saying no, the financial disaster that now is my life even though I'm trying so hard to keep us afloat and the near daily updates/letters/demands about more court stuff now has me on my knees both emotionally and physically...I have no fight left... The tree was just the final straw.. He will be asking when we go to the toilet next...

I get it. He's trying to intrude into your life and mind so much that even a simple question about a Xmas tree feels like a violation you have to defend yourself and children against. His behaviour means you are constantly at battle alert. Not a moments peace to take off your armour and relax. You have my sympathy and YANBU. I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas away from him.

Margo..that's a really good way of putting it...'battle alert'... That's exactly what it feels like...like I can't even relax in my own home because he turns up/phones/letters appear.... I have coped with it for years and the illhealth of my parents and kid but this year has been especially bad and I have been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety- things finally got too much for me to cope with...I'm slowly crawling my way back but the constant pressure from him makes it feel like quicksand...I just want to be left alone and to be the best Mum I can for my kids....I always wanted them to maintain a relationship with him ( even when he was doing everything in his power to destroy me- I never told the kids ) but now I would love better than them to completely stop contact and block him on phone etc- I would never ask them to but I day dream about how lovely it would be to just head off somewhere and start with no contact...

Just a thought but would it be possible to get your children counselling so they could offload about this to an impartial professional? Dealing with their father and his behaviour is clearly very stressful so counselling could be beneficial for them and take some of the pressure off you.

Damsel...yes I agree and have tried this year but the services are so crap where I am there's currently an 18 month waiting list unless I pay for it and I just don't have that sort of money...plus they are older teenagers who would probo just sit there and grunt at the 'strange' person....the SN one in particular needs to 'work things out' as they happen and needs to practise scenarios at the time...so for instance he will say Dad is going to be phoning and I need to give him an answer about X/y/z what will I say?? He will then 'role play' how to handle it...It works really well to help him fit in unfortunately it just means hard work for me ( which I'm very happy to do just not when it comes to Dad stuff)...
Thankyou everyone for letting me offload...I'm much calmer today and will hopefully have a nice chilled day NOT putting up a Christmas tree...

Schools have counsellors, use them.
Get a non mol order, maybe he really does need a little holiday to give you a break.

Poor you, this sounds horrendous. Definitely look at a non-mol order for you. Is there anyone else - family? - that can help with talking to the kids about what to say to their Dad? Pestilence makes a good point about school counsellors.

Oh God, I totally understand where you're coming from!

It's like someone endlessley throwing pieces of paper at you and trying to ignore them. Screwing it up throwing it back then them asking why you screwed the paper up in that particular way, where is all the paper, what colour is the paper "it wasn't that colour when I threw it', why is there paper all over the floor, they now want all the paper back then claim they didn't throw any paper and don't know what paper is...even though they're sat next to a huge pile of paper! They then go to pass the paper to the kids who take notice of the paper then pass it to you and ask what to do with it! They don't want to throw it away or throw it back because that will upset him and so on. You have no interest in the paper or the person throwing it but it's relentless.
Repeat.
That's what it feels like It's that bloody crazy.

I would definitely get a non mol order however will he take any notice of it...? It doesn't sound like it.

You can't even block him out completely due to your sn child needing that clarity on how to handle the situation, that is hard on them and you for sure.

Is he a drinker or drug user? Your ex that is

Older one isn't at school anymore..left last year...SN one wouldn't cope with counselling at all- wouldn't engage or would repeat back whatever was said parrot fashion...I'm pro counselling and have been myself and wish they would go but it just doesn't seem to be sortable in my area...unless you wait 18months...
Smelly sphinx ...that's exactly what it is like..like a constant drip drip drip that never stops..everyday there's some else and at min literally not a day goes by without some drama of his causing..I have two court dates this month alone..
there were two more phone calls tonight to kids both of whom 'needed' to speak to me about what he said to them ( Christmas arrangement nonsence has started early this year!) ...he told them to tell me to answer his texts- I don't get his texts because I have him blocked...another 15 min conversation about what they should tell him because he wants them to go to a Christmas thing next week in his church and they don't want to go...I tell them just to say no Thankyou we don't want to go but apparently that isn't good enough and they need to give him a reason...
No drugs/drink issues that I know of but was very controlling when we were together and old fashioned- man head of household etc...he told me he would 'never' allow a divorce and it would only happen over a dead body..

I need to pull you up on one thing about your thread.

He is not a plonker.

Forgetting your purse when you go shopping? Plonker
Spilling your dinner down your nice clean top? Plonker
Wearing odd shoes and not noticing until 2 hours after you get home from work? Plonker

He is a cunt. The biggest waste of oxygen it has ever been anyones misfortune to share the earth with. A dyed in the wool nasty fucking bastard who deserves to be in unspeakable pain 100% of the time for the rest of his life, which should be short.

HTH

PS have you looked into vexatious litigation? Do you have a solicitor yourself?

He is not a plonker

I agree he is not a plonker, he is a narcissist.

I don't know if it will help as this sounds so extreme but have you heard of the grey rock method? I heard about it on another thread talking about narc ex's, googled and it was quite eye opening. My DP's ex is like this, she periodically does this sort of thing (DP is RP for very good reason) and makes our lives utterly unbearable, it is very exhausting.

for you

Thankyou for the support and for understanding.. Sometimes I get it mixed up in my head and begin to think it is me esp when he twists things with the kids..yes you are right he is much more than a plonker. There is much much more to the story but because it's still in court I don't want to put too much detail online.,,fraud, dissipation of assets, benefit fraud, going after my non existent inheritance from my mum who hasn't even been dead a year, emotional abuse to name a few..it's just exhausting and I just want peace and for it all to stop and for me not to have to pay all his debts when we have proven he has hidden money etc..I have both a barrister and solicitor and have been Infront of judge 16+ times so far.
But most of all I want him to stop trying to control me through the kids and I don't want to tell him when I put my Christmas tree up....

If ever a woman deserved and at 8am it's you. I thought XDH was bad but your ex takes the biscuit. I am sending you my small leftover store of handling-controlling-ex-fuckwittery strength and a very unmumsnetty hug, and I hope the bastard implodes over not knowing about your Christmas Tree.

How these men ever go on to find themselves another partner beats me.

You are doing marvelously. A few suggestions which may help. How about the kids transfer their numbers to very cheap PAYG handsets which are kept just for their Dad's 'benefit'? You can keep these at home and switch off in the evening etc so they are not available to him 24/7. Get new numbers for their friends and you to use and new Sims for their current handsets. Might give them (and you) some breathing space.

Second thought is to maybe involve his Church. Perhaps his minister/pastor may be worth speaking to. If they can be persuaded to see how unreasonable his behaviour they may well get involved and 'counsel' him to behave more appropriately. Evangelical ones particularly would intervene swiftly.

Thankyou Purple..yes I hope he implodes too... He has a long term partner who he doesn't live with and who has kids.. She knows he doesn't pay maintainance etc- if it was me I would take my kids Adam run as fast as I could but God knows what stories he's telling her about me...
Want- that's a good idea about the phones- I'm going to look into that as both the kids phones are on their last legs so I could move them u to new ones and leave the old ones for 'Dad' and it would put a bit more control back into it for them.. ( have been waiting until January because I thought it would be cheaper )
The bit about the church made me laugh.. It is a v v evangelical church.. Don't/can't give too much away because of ungoing court case but let's just say he's closely related to the 'pastor'... Think 'son of a preacher' song and you get the idea... The stories I could tell you about that would curl your hair...

No idea who Adam is! Meant to say take my kids and run

Some pastor's are better than others. Most will take a dim view of him getting arrested for harassment though (and also the girlfriend and premarital sex too!) and also not contributing his tithe of 10% if he's hiding money and earnings they will demand their share which might piss him off! Phone deals are generally better in the run up to Xmas and having gone through similar harassment I can promise the relief at being able to switch off the phone and have respite is wonderful. It may have to get worse before it gets better but it will get better with time as kids get older and he loses interest. Took 6 years for me but now it's absolutely great.

It's been nine years so far Want.... Nine long years.....
The pastor doesn't take a dim view at all..they support him...I lost my entire friendship group when we split up...he's the pastors son...

Bloody hell! You are well out of that one! No disrespect to his religion but that all sounds completely controlling and toxic. I trust you have made some nice new friends since and my New Year wish for you is to be free of him

Oh . Is your oldest in work or at college? How is he coping? Must be all your boys can remember if it's been going on this long. Horrible. At my lowest point I fantasised about my eldest kids going to the same university town so I could legitimately up and move away too with them! Anything to get away from him. Wasn't needed in the end but I would genuinely have loved to up and move. Perhaps it's something you might be able to do eventually.

OP, I am reading this with kind of a creeping horror which is the only way I can describe it. I cannot even begin to explain the parallels between your situation and mine...in nearly every sense. I was absolutely sure that there couldn't possibly be another one of my ex, another person who did the things he's done, but here we are....

I can't really advise you, you're just going to have to work through this. I have now stopped my SEN DS having contact with his father, details I can't go into here because there is outside agency involvement. However, I know that our lives will never be the same because of what he (and OW) have done to us and I feel very deeply for you and your children.

I send you and wish you all the very best! You will escape this one day.

A couple of months ago I told my cuntish ex I was probably going to have to move because I couldn't afford the rent anymore, he said 'why not?'