No you plonker ex husband you are not allowed to know if my tree is up yet

[Potentialmadcatlady]

AIBU to think that my plonker exh has no business is asking kids whether 'our Christmas tree' is up yet and when told NO it's none of his business to ask 'why not'.... 5+ plus years of endless court dates, financial ruin, fraud, irregular contact, constant inappropriate behaviour and he wants to know 'why our tree isn't up yet'.... Bastard

Thankyou again everyone for your support...it's so good to know that it's not just me going insane or that I am 'cursed' as I have been told by him and his family hence my child's SN.. Yep apparently it's all my fault too...I fantasise about the legal stuff all be over so I can go public with all that he has out us through...
Eldest is in college, younger still in school but we often talk about moving away once we can by me following them to uni town in another country...by that stage my looking after parent duties will be fulfilled and there will be nothing so keep me here so I will happily follow eldest so that youngest can go too ( he will need lifetime support- but if you listened to exh I make that all up and there's nothing wrong with him, followed by its my fault he is the way he is- doesn't even make sense)
Formidable... I'm sorry you have gone through this too...I know just how hard and endless it is and can't believe I let this man into my life to start with...I wouldn't change my kids for the world but I would take this awful nonsence away from them..I used to be strong independent etc now I'm just a shell trying to protect my kids as best I can.
The Christmas nonsense is continuing- eldest kid was told to tell me to answer his texts - I have him blocked so that won't be happening.. I'm definitely going to look into having a 'Dad' phone for them..that's a great idea...

Mygast... When I had to move within two weeks into rented from family home because ex hadn't been paying the interest on mortgage and lying about it to everyone including judge he said 'why are you moving and you aren't moving into that area'....

Time is on your side and you sound very together and resilient. The non-molestation order would prevent him using your kids or anyone else from being used to pass messages on through. May act as another buffer for the kids as he would be in breach of it to ask them to so do so. Have you sought support from Women's Aid? I only went to them towards the end of my troubles and wish I had gone earlier. Just going to the coffee morning style freedom programme drop in sessions was so helpful. They were attended by other wonderful, resilient, intelligent women and it was great to just share and offload about our vile ex and current partners.

Your eldest can almost certainly access counselling through his college should he want to. It's usually limited to about 6 sessions or so and have a very short waiting time, typically in my college its about 7-10 days only. It's outsourced and not done by the college staff and nothing discussed ever gets relayed to teaching staff. It can be arranged through well-being or learner services. His tutors need never know anything more than he may be absent from certain sessions to attend.

His control and influence on your life is already slipping away from him and before much longer will be negligible.

OP, the more you type, the more I identify. I too will move away, I too am waiting for eldest child to get a Uni place before making that decision. My ex also denies DS's autism. He even suggested that I had made up his medical records and he was going to "apply to the NHS" himself. Like you, I was a completely different person before all of this. Although I have surprised myself with my resilience in the face of all this. I have also had to deal with a hugely malicious and nasty OW (he left us for her and oh what a prize she has landed!). It took me months and months of counselling to realise what an utter shit this man was, although I couldn't see it and totally adored him. The amount of friends and family who were beyond relieved he'd gone was astounding. I just couldn't see it. I do now. The relief is immense.

I agree with wantmorenow, if you haven't contacted Women's Aid, please so so, I found them hugely helpful.

Thanks again..just back from yet another solicitors appt getting ready for court...I have been told by dtr to go to woman's aid because she says despite divorce he is still 'abusing' me emotionally...I find that hard to accept ( not because I want him back-never- more because I didn't see it that way so to be told it is somehow taking my brain time to process)... It's on my list of things to do but right now I'm just trying to survive day by day...I must do it I know..and get phones sorted..and get a non mol order ..it's just every thing is so hard I have no fight left at min if you see what I mean. keeping the house clean and kids well fed is my priority because any more than that at min feels like 'too much'.. It's pathetic really...

I think it takes a long time to process the fact that it is abuse. I was told the same. Even the police told me that they considered my ex-h's and OW's behaviour as such, indeed that they were using them as a tool to abuse me. Most recently, it has been a solicitor (and there have been many), who is now the subject of a formal complaint by me. What are the latest court proceedings for and can this now be classed as vexatious litigation? I totally understand what you mean, I am still frightened if there is an unexpected knock on the door, I dread the post, I shake if a see a police car anywhere near my house wondering what's coming next. Yet I am a perfectly competent, middle aged woman! I annoy myself sometimes! You're doing a sterling job, you really are. Keep that thought in your head! A non mol is also very easy to achieve, it is also free and you can do it yourself.

You are not pathetic Catlady. But you are still being emotionally abused by your ex even though you are divorced. You question your sanity because of what he puts you through.He is still seeking to control you by using your children to get at you. Contacting Women's Aid should be high on your list of priorities. I have a friend who has gone through a similar experience and she can't sing their praises enough. She was a complete emotional wreck who doubted herself on everything but they helped her and made her strong again. Sod the cleaning and ring them today on 0808 2000 247. You'll wish you'd phoned them sooner.

Do you have any family/friends who can help you out with the day to day stuff while you deal with all this crap? Shopping/cleaning etc? If you feel able to post which area of the country you are in there may be people on here who can help in some way.

And are you getting all the benefits and support your SN child is entitled to? DLA, support at school, a social worker? Your prize shit of an ex sounds completely evil and deranged. Your son's SN is because you are "cursed."??!! I seriously question what damage this arsehole of a father is doing to your poor vulnerable son's mental health.

You are doing a great job Catlady. You did well to divorce your ex and it shows you are strong and resilient and you are continuing to be so. (Your twat of an ex so hates it that you don't respond to his texts! )
Your kids are so lucky to have you for a mum.

Keep going and phone WA 0808 2000 247. You will become even stronger if you do. Take care

Oh and keep on not putting up the Christmas tree!!

It's on my list of things to do but right now I'm just trying to survive day by day

Sounds like having to deal with his constant interruptions and stress would sap all your energy, its no wonder you feel like theres nothing left! If you can find a way to get him to back off a little, you would probably get more back than you spent in terms of energy.

SENPARENT...superb post.

You lot have just made me cry and smile in equal measures... Thankyou so much for the support..I am listening and taking all the advice on board and I will try very hard to summon up the courage to phone WA... I'm trying not to give too much detail incase I make myself identifiable because he has tracked me before and used it against me ( I sold some second hand furniture online and he is still bringing it up in court)... Court this week is more financial stuff..I will be in front of the judge again being questioned... The whole thing is so intrusive- why should my now ex husband get to know what my bank balance is and what credit cards I owe etc.. He will literally go through the statements and comment on how much money I have spent on food/heating etc....
My life has imploded this year.. I have lost my Mum in a horrible way, my 'boyfriend' decided to move in with a younger model, my friendship group as a result became much much much smaller, I was diagnosed with PTSD and I got some very bad news about younger child's health.. There's lots more..2016 seems to have been a particularly nasty year...
I am proud of myself for getting this far, I'm proud of my wonderful kids...I just want a little peace and to be left alone to heal and raise my kids..
Thankyou to you all for helping...and I'm sorry we had/have to go through this crap...
And yes SEN I'm going to continue not putting up my tree or alternatively I might take it with me to court and decorate it in front of the judge.....

I think it's awful when trees go up too early and then they drop. Much nearer Christmas is much better. Ours always goes up in mid December as did my parents' tree.

OP, Christ I had all this with selling stuff (er, yes I had to when the twat cut me off financially). I recall getting spreadsheets about my "spending" at Aldi, around £60 a week for 3 of us while he was trying to convince me that his "current family" (OW and her son and those were his exact words)) needed his financial support to the tune of £3K a month. He sold the children's shares to finance her fucking lifestyle. They both committed fraud on my bank account. You live these things, listen to others and just wonder what the fuck these arseholes get off on with not only destroying you in every way possible but continuing to do so for years afterwards. 2013/2014 was much the same for me as this year has been for you...now approaching 2017, I am in a much much better place and loving my life and all the new challenges and excitement it brings. My ex ended up walking out of court with exactly zero. He's got nothing. Karma (whether you believe or not) catches up with these bastards one way or another. You'll get through this!

As for court. I counsel that you arrive wearing a Christmas Jumper, an elf hat and flashing bauble earrings. That'll learn him

When you go to court make sure it is a jumper like Chester66 has.

Oh I would love too!!! My barrister would kill me!! She insists on full formal dress! I will however take great pleasure in the fact that I'm going to court 4 dress sizes smaller thanks to the horrible year I have had with a flat tummy and skinny legs in knee length boots ( it's amazing what walking endlessly trying to keep myself sane has done for my figure)
I'm seriously thinking of buying a pop up Christmas tree from poundshop and popping it up at an appropriate moment.....

OP, I took a pineapple to court...that's a whole other lucky mascot story .

FAB jumper SEN..

Formidable... You can't not tell us that story...you just can't....

My ExH really stepped up the abuse post divorce and pre financial dispute resolution. If you can find 1 hour a week to do womens' aid then please do bite the bullet and go. It also took a brave and wonderful friend/neighbour to sit me down and tell me that I was almost certainly depressed and hould go and see the GP for some support. I had no idea I was depressed; I thought I was just tired and coping really well. She was kind but firm and I toddled off to said GP who prescribed tablets. The first lot did not help at all but a second type a few months later really did. Only took them for less than a year but they did help improve my ability to survive the abuse, stalking and mind fuckery. The shit still hit me but my 'teflon' tablets meant it didn't do as much damage as it had previously.

I too had PTSD, anxiety attacks and developed tinnitus. The tablets lessened these responses just enough to get some rest and be able to think clearly enough to function better. Maybe a chat to your GP to check on your own health is in order?

So sorry so much has come your way 2016; next year has got to be better.

Thanks Want...I have been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks and depression... I'm on three different types of tablets including sleeping tablets and diazepam....I tried three different types of antidepressant but unfortunately they were all a disaster so I try to cope with diazepam at min which is not a good idea at all but kinda my only option just at min...my mental health is a disaster to be honest for the first time in my life..panic attacks and constant flashbacks are the worst thing I have ever experienced and I never realised before what people meant when they said they 'had anxiety'... I would happily never step over my doorstep ever again if I could ( which I can't) and I vere between Manic behaviour cleaning/cooking/doing and not being able to get myself out of bed...
He has destroyed me mentally emotionally and financially but I have the kids and am trying to hang on by my fingertips so I can start crawling my way back when fdr etc is over...
It's interesting that your ex stepped up the abuse too...I thought he had done his worst just as the divorce was being finalised..he clearly hadn't...
I will try and get my head round contacting woman's aid..I really will...I will try and make myself...

When I was going through the worst I would read every self help book going. One (forgotten which sorry) resonated particularly with me; it's the resilient, smart, resourceful and stubborn women that typically get abused the longest and suffer the worst effects of DA. They stick in bad relationships longer and they are a more attractive target for the EA man as they are a challenge? No idea if that's true. The author was explaining that the more selfish, intolerant and 'weaker' women never stay long enough to tolerate such behaviour. They don't think "I can survive this, he won't break me, I can help him because I am strong, resourceful, loyal etc". They think "sod this, he's got issues and I'm not up to fixing what I haven't broke! He's not making me happy and I'm not putting up with this."

The upshot was (bear with me) was the very characteristics that made you stay with him so long and cope for so long are the very same characteristics that mean you will certainly survive, recover and ultimately thrive in the long term. Without him to hold you back you will be the one to achieve success, calm and inner happiness. I'm 10 years on and only just recovering my former self. He however is the same sad, woe is me, life's not fair, everyone else is to blame for my lack of career, own house, nice car etc. I am thriving now and that's the best 'revenge'.

potential she really did, irrc it came from a suggestion as to where a pineapple could be placed iykwim......!

But unfortunately insert particular nickname for OW here has a tendency to stalk MrsC on the internet and then try to get her arrested for harrasment, so MrsC has to be very careful what she posts.

Re: Womens Aid.

Think of it this way, if you ring them and they say "Sorry we cant help you" then you have wasted nothing but a few minutes of your time. The call is free as far as I know. If however they say that yes, they can help you then you have gained havent you? Its a win win.

You dont have to cope alone! What would you tell me to do if I was you and you were reading what you have written here?

Ooh to pineapple.. Got you...wouldn't surprise me if my exh girlfriend is on here too and this will be brought out in court but I'm kinda past caring...I'm going to get someone to take me to poundshop tomorrow for a pop up tree (one of the kids will come with me if I ask- can't go into shops on my own at min without having a panic attack)

Bogey face...yes you are right...if it was one of my friends ( of which I now have v v few- it never ceases to amaze me how people who I thought were my friends clearly weren't and I think it will be a very long time before I trust anyone fully again ) I would tell them to phone and I would help them with housework etc if they were me.. I will ring but I don't think it will be before court..think I need to focus on getting through that first in one piece...

Want...what you said really hits home with me...I have been told for years 'you are so strong dealing with your sick kid' 'I couldn't do what you do' 'how do you cope'... I have a ( what I have finally learnt is a bad habit) habit of trying to save others and putting everyone before myself..I'm trying to learn to stop but it's just not my nature....I had six weeks emergency counselling and she said the same that I need to learn to self care and put myself first but I find that hard...she explained it like a bucket that gradually gets stones chucked in it ( all the bad stuff) and eventually the water overflows and nothing can stop it once it starts until it evens out again..

More phone calls tonight but thankfully short and calm because kids were both busy....another solicitors letter- which I decided not to open today...one solicitors appt and one solicitors phone call....didn't manage to eat but got kids fed and some washing done..

Just as I've nothing helpful to add.

Thankyou Random

You're welcome. One of my hardest lessons was to learn to ask for help. I fell apart a the school gates once and another Mum was shocked. Thought I was doing fine because I had done such a great job in fooling them. She immediately offered to pick kids up that night and give them tea just so I could rest. It was a small kindness that I remember to this day as I was truly broken that day.

If you're like me you are quick to offer help to those who need it, it makes me feel good, worthwhile and wanted. Yet I would never have dreamed of showing that I needed help because I wouldn't want to impose! Skewed logic. In reality they were happy to help and they felt good about themselves too in the process.

Perhaps approach your friends with simple requests that they can do. To accompany you to the court or solicitors, have one of your kids for an afternoon, pick up your prescription or groceries whilst they get their own. Help choose your new Xmas tree!! LOL. Some people stay on the margins for fear of intervening and getting it wrong rather than indifference or malice. If they don't step up then cut them off and sort out new ones! I asked a neighbour to sit with my kids so I could a weekly meditation course. That was my only 'me' time all week and it was immensely helpful to have that one activity for me and my mental health.

Try them...