To really like being drunk?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I'm an alcoholic and I'm aiming for sobriety. I'm finding it really hard. I'm in two different groups (not AA, it's not for me). They dont expect abstinence straight away, it's more CBT based.

I've drunk a litre of vodka tonight and I love this feeling. I feel normal, if a bit buzzed.

I usually drink half a bottle of wine during the day so I can do the school run, I don't go in the playground in the morning so it's easier but I feel I need a drink to face the pick up. I'll then drink another bottle of wine in the evening. I don't really get hangovers but the financial hit is the main issue. Thatvand the fact my family hate it.

I crave sobriety. I love the idea. But I can't see how I can say goodbye to feeling like this ever again. Stone cold sober feels jagged and painful and it's not something I can imagine committing to.

Dh hates me drinking. He's exhausted this evening and wants to go to bed but won't leave me because I'm half cut and he doesn't trust I won't do anything silly (history of self harm and overdosing).

I won't, because I feel happy and chilled, but I want to stay up and watch shit telly. I'm basically ruining his life, and I know this, but I can't bear the idea that I'll never feel this way again.

We've tried having him control my drinking but it doesn't work. And I know from therapy that I have to control it myself or there's no point. But I feel like I'm stuck at a point. I know i need to stop drinking entirely but I'm scared.

I have bipolar 2 and BPD so my emotions are generally all over the place, and alcohol is like a comfort blanket.

The old adage about reaching rock bottom doesn't really apply because I've been there and life is generally good now. How on earth can I convince myself that alcohol is no good when it seems so nice?

I know, logically, that we'd be much richer and my health would improve, but I can't seem to take that step forward. I've done loads of paper exercises, like the costs and benefits scale and the hierarchy of values and all of that, but I can't seem to make it stick.
Am I just an awful person? Too selfish to quit?

I feel actually ok today. I have group tomorrow and it is a fresh week. I haven't drank today and I won't drink tomorrow. I'm going to do this.

It obviously was last night - let me empty a bucket of crap on my own head because then I can feel even worse - but I was just worried you were going to do it tonight too. Don't plan for anything other than getting to bed sober and safe tonight. Go up with DH and try to stay there.
Maybe enough MNing for tonight?

Tomorrow will be a bright new day and you will get there altughnyou may want to give in. I spent my first week sober in bed crying. I never want to do that again.

I'm in bed now. Just about to put my phone down and go to sleep.

Goodnight OP. Day one done, take tomorrow as another day, and don't lift that first drink.

I'm not sure you're ready for rehab, it generally works best when the addict WANTS to do it and that's not where you seem to be. :

"I've drunk a litre of vodka tonight and I love this feeling. I feel normal, if a bit buzzed." Op loves the feeling, she doesn't want to stop.

"I crave sobriety. I love the IDEA. But I can't see how I can say goodbye to feeling like this ever again. Stone cold sober feels jagged and painful and it's not something I can imagine committing to" doesn't want to be sober.

"I'm basically ruining his life, and I know this, but I can't bear the idea that I'll never feel this way again." Being drunk is more important than ruining the life of someone op claims to love.

"How on earth can I convince myself that alcohol is no good when it seems so nice?" Doesn't really believe alcohol is 'no good'

"My biggest fear is that Dh will leave. I walk a tightrope between pissing him off...and just wanting to feel a bit pissed."

"I'm not drunk in the afternoons. I'm functioning better after half a bottle than I would be without." Denial

"I knew I was going to reward myself with a drink after two weeks so it was easy peasy." Do you see how ridiculous that is?

"I was looking for an easy answer as to how to stop enjoying it." Doesn't exist.

"Rehab is an option and I will discuss it with the facilitators tomorrow." Not even the pretence of admitting you need to stop drinking there. It's just 'an option'.

"I'm going to talk to them about rehab tomorrow. It's on the table but I think there are hoops to go through first, and it will probably have to wait until after my medical which they said could take up to a month. 

I am starting to accept that it might be what I need though." But not what you want.

"I feel actually ok today. I have group tomorrow and it is a fresh week. I haven't drank today and I won't drink tomorrow. I'm going to do this." While that's good to read, it's the hard days when you're more likely to drink.

"I'll tell him about the drinking in the day, he does need to know." Please stick to this, he needs to know as your daughters other parent.

I'm from a family (on one side) of addicts, not just alcohol. Some are in recovery, a few have died (as a direct result of their addictions) and a few are hanging on as in alive but still addicted.

My own father is an alcoholic. Addicts are selfish while in the grip of the addiction and some continue to be even when they no longer are active addicts. Bearing that in mind consider future effects on yourself your own health

Varices, cirrhosis, kidney failure, pancretitis, diabetes, heart disease, korsakoffs (dementia) It affects EVERY system.

And it hurts! My dad is on morphine pretty much unlimited and it barely touches the pain. For certain conditions there's very little treatment and rarely cures. Transplants? Active addicts are very unlikely to be eligible, not as a moral judgment but because they're unlikely to adhere to treatment regimes.

Do it (rehab) for you. To avoid pain, to have a better more joyful life with your family, to not feel guilty EVERY DAY to live to see your grandchildren and be able to play with them. To feel healthy and energised and HAPPY (because the bipolar also responds far better to treatment without alcohol in the mix).

Other people can help, support but only YOU can do it.

When I say rehab is on the table and is an option, I don't mean it's an option for me to choose. I can't just ask to go to rehab and get a place. It's an option that the service I'm in offers and I need to find out if I'm a candidate. It was put forward as a possibility last week but I don't have a place.

And honestly how would you feel if you were offered a place? Because other posts/comments suggest you hate the idea of rehab/abstinence.

I don't know how aa works but it HAS worked for several members of my family. Those who've not done aa (or na or ga) have done other abstinence based programmes. Several tried non abstinence programmes initially but they didn't work and so I don't believe an addict can indulge 'occasionally'. Especially when it's a substance you're addicted to as there's the physical/chemical addiction too.

Please bear in mind I was drinking last night (and enjoying it). I don't feel the same way today.

If they offer me rehab I will take it.

I am aiming for abstinence, the groups I am in are different to AA in that they don't expect you to give up overnight but they still work towards abstinence.

I know they work as most of the staff are ex service users.

If you know it is affecting your children, why isn't that enough motivation for you to stop? How much more damage are you happy to cause, before you stop drinking?

The more I read, the more I feel sorry for your daughter.

If by some chance you're reading this, love, it'll be alright in the end.

I know how crushingly helpless it feels, knowing you need love and attention more than ever and seeing your mum put alcohol first, time and time again.

Life will go on for you, and this will make you a stronger person than you ever though possible.
Don't let your mother's drinking leave a sad mark on your life, it's not your fault.

I have BP I very rarely drink because of it. Because like it's been said it is scary how normal it can make you feel. I'm addicted to cigarettes and I've been addicted to prescription drugs in the past. Whether my condition affects my addictive personally who knows.

Anyway on a breakdown I found myself hospitalised and I made a friend. I love her a lot she's a lovely person and was there for me after my son died when few were.

She's an alcoholic, she's just finished a 9 month jail sentence (setting a hostel room on fire pissed) she's back with her alcoholic partner and back on the drink.

I got a call last week which I honestly thought was going to inform me of her death. Luckily it wasn't she'd "just" snapped her arm in two again pissed.

I love her she is a lovely person sober, I can't see her much as I can't have my children round her. I try not to enable her, il buy her shopping not give her money etc.

I'm sure you are loved Grab. I know the alcohol will kill her and it breaks my heart. I can't imagine having that sense of foreboding with my mam or even DH.

I get the normality thing I really do but your family should come before that.

I am putting them first. That's why I've got help.

If I really didn't care about my family I'd be carrying on in my own bubble of alcoholic haze. Last week was my heaviest drinking week for a long time and I'm not going to repeat it.

Please understand, I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to be an alcoholic. It's taken me years to even consider that I am.

Years ago drugs were my poison of choice and now I don't touch them. If I can beat that addiction I can beat this one. I'm taking all the help available, I'm not just coasting along as I am.

My mother is a 'functioning' alcoholic. To the outside world she appears completely normal and holds down a professional high responsibility job and has friends etc.

In reality my childhood was miserable, she sucked everyone into her dark hole and my father left because of it. She didn't even realise it had an effect but it did.

I resent her so much for the hurt she caused and don't think it can ever be repaired. She still Denys she has a problem as she isn't like the type of alcoholic you see lying on park benches drinking cider but it's just as damaging to everyone around her

Folks coming from being an alcoholic in recovery - The OP has a problem and is making some attempts to address that, only she can state if she is giving enough effort to it, humiliating and shaming and discussions about what she is doing to her family won't help, she has been told she is doing it and now needs to take it onboard. When drinking I was like the spoilt child, the more I was told to do something the more I would pull in the opposite direction. I did not realise the harm I was doing to my family (or myself) but by God do I see and feel the harm caused now.

I am trying to make amends for my failings now - the first way to do that is by staying sober. - I am trying in other ways too, giving dw the space that she wants, trying to be the best dad I can and apologising to people where I have done wrong - or over reacted when something was done on me.

My life is a lot simpler now since I stopped drinking, a lot less chaotic, am I happy? No not completely, but I am getting happier day by day - for me it is the AA programme AND a local treatment programme - I've just come to the top of. Waiting list for talking therapy, I'm not sure if I really need it with the other treatments that are going on but I'm going to try - I really want to smash the issue that I have, and I'm going to use any tool possible to do that - I'm not saying any one is better than the other

op I refer to my life as a shitstorm before, that's what it was, and in a very similar manner to yours, I loved drink, loved the feeling of the first beer which towards the end of my drinking was going down as easy as water - whiskey also went down no problem - you know the way that you or someone in here said that sobriety was all jagged and sharp? That is how drunkenness would feel to me now - it would bring back all the pain and misery, the depression, the anxiety, not getting close to people for fear of people smelling drink from me - it abhors me now.

Would I still like to be able to take a drink? Yes, but I know it won't stop at one - that is the issue for us as alcoholics, stopping isn't the problem, it's staying stopped.

You might think that I have had a long time to work on this and that's why I am saying this, my last drink was about 3/4am on 6th Sept this year, 90 days ago. There is NOTHING stopping you from going out and getting the same peace as me.

I wish you well and would love to hear from a sober thinking you. Why not come for some support on the dry15 thread too.

I feel for you OP. I've sought help from an alcohol abuse service because I drink too much. They don't expect total abstinence either which I couldn't face. The idea of never drinking again fills me with horror. But I binge drink, and because I'm depressed it makes me feel worse the next day, so I drink etc.

I'm a single parent (though the boys' dad is involved) and I'm trying to abstain when I've got the boys. It's hard but I have to try for their sake.

My parents both abuse alcohol, as did my extended family so it's just what I'm used to. I don't want to continue the pattern with my children.

But it's bloody hard, I love the feeling I get after a glass of wine, it relaxes me in a way nothing else can.

Please, please accept every bit of help to overcome your addiction. This is what my lovely sister in law has to deal with:

Her husband is an alcoholic. He no longer drinks because he collapsed in the supermarket having an alcoholic fit and ended up in hospital. The doctor told him that the next drink will kill him, and he hasn't touched a drop since then.

His liver has only 20% function. The toxins his liver can't process travel round his body and has caused irreversible brain damage and dementia. He soils himself regularly, he is a shambling wreck, his children hate him and SIL has to keep an eye on him 24/7. She gets a few hours respite a week when he goes into daycare, and a week's respite every few weeks when he goes into residential care.

He is getting so bad now that she is thinking of having him in full time residential care because she can't cope with him any more. And quite frankly the rest of the family are saying "about time too".

I am not judging you, but if you carry on drinking this will be your future and your family will hate you.

It's not about shaming or humiliating the OP, User but it's quite obvious who the children of alcoholics are and who the ones with drinking problems are. I'm giving my perspective as a child. Presumably the OP's children don't/haven't had the opportunity to do that.

I don't want the OP to get to the situation where her family ceases to actively care what happens to her, where they ostensibly wash their hands of her because they can't help her but they need to do that to save themselves.

It's really not uncommon for a survivor of an alcoholic to wish that they'd die, so that the horror would be over then, there would be no waiting on tenterhooks for that call or that knock on the door. People who are alcoholics or tied up in any kind of addictive behaviour that precludes their thinking of anybody else but themselves, are selfish and they either don't or won't see beyond their addiction and getting their hands on more of whatever it is.

It does smack of the 'Ghost of Christmas Future', I know it does, but unless an alcoholic has absolutely nobody around them who cares for them then they have a duty to those loved ones, if not themselves.

MyGastIsFlabbered did you ever think that the reason a glass of wine relaxes you might be that you are satisfying the craving for the alcohol? If you could do away with the craving then you could be relaxed all the time?

Username yes absolutely, some evenings if I know I can have a drink I actually can feel my heart beating faster, I start breathing quicker in anticipation. But I've noticed on the nights I can't drink I substitute my craving for something else, I'll eat junk food until I feel sick. I'm seeing the MH team tomorrow.

OP, I think you might be in the same area as me, I'm having an assessment for the STEPPES program and really hoping I get a place.

mygastis try taking a look on Dry16 on here, it's a group of ladies (and I the gent) who are doing their best to stay sober. - great for support.

Re the cravings, you want junk food other than alcohol because of the sugar content. - go with it, better the junk food than the alcohol.

One of my now sober relatives was the same re craving sugar. She was advised to have fruit (including dried fruit which while not the healthiest is better than just loads of choc). She went a bit mad on bananas at one point and was constipated but then added other fruit into the mix. She doesn't eat as much now (almost 30 years sober) but still has it handy just in case.

"There's a fuck tonne of projection going on in this thread."

Noone's projecting anything mate. People are just worried about you and yours. You've been posting some concerning stuff for quite some time under this and previous usernames.

Look after yourself, ya?

I agree there is a lot of projection on here, but I also think that is very telling.