to think my mother saying she nearly throttled me as a baby was a horrible thing to say?

[Rainatnight]

Out with my parents last night, along with DP, DB and DB's girlfriend, my DM told a story about me crying endlessly as a baby, and being able to buy a dummy for me somewhere unexpected, late one night. Which stopped me crying.

She said 'that dummy saved your life because I would have throttled you'.

I was really upset and cross. DP thinks I'm being over-sensitive and that it was a joke.

Backstory is that my parents have always talked about what a difficult baby I was. All the stories of my babyhood are about me crying, crying, crying, not able to be soothed, not sleeping, them having to walk the floor, etc. I wasn't very well as a baby so some of it was probably due to being in pain/poorly. But they've never said, for example, anything cute or nice I did as a baby, and it probably has given me an idea of myself as a difficult, over-emotional person.

They were loving enough when we were growing up, and we're a perfectly naice family. No one would throttle anyone else!

But I was upset that she said that.

AIBU?

Seriously, I don't think my mum has ever said anything nice about me from baby onwards. Whatever confidence I have has been developed through years of hard graft. Be thankful it is only one part of your life.

My Mum tells me if I had been her first I would have been her last.

I then point out to her had I been her first then I wouldn't have had a big sister who gave me CP, German Measles and Whooping cough before I was 6mths old.

Maybe try and ask her to talk about the good times as well.

OP I know exactly where you're coming from.

I was also an ill baby who was prem and spent a good first few months of my life in hospital. Unsurprisingly I was a "terrible" baby (by which I mean I cried lots and kept parents awake) made all the worse by the fact my older DB was an absolute angel who slept through from day one.

I'm 30 and all I have had for 30 years is my mum blathering on about how awful I was. How I never slept, how I was sick everywhere all the time (related to my illness) and how she didn't sleep through til I was 5 (it's very rarely expressing concern or upset over the fact that I was so ill). I mean - Get the fuck over it! Like a PP said I think she's actually expecting an apology.

When my DD was born we had the obligatory rough first few sleepless months and my mum was delighted. I'm not kidding, she actually said "ha! This is revenge for what you put me through when you were a baby" which is lovely to hear when you're a new, hormonal mother.

We can't have a conversation without her mentioning what an awful baby I was. DH has actually taken to telling her he's sick of the same old story and is quite PA in saying "Cherry was a bad baby? You've never said? It's not like you don't mention it every single time we see you". DM thinks he's vair vair rude

Anyway from one "bad baby" to another - YANBU, it's pathetic of them and not normal. If they balanced it out with saying how lovely a child you were it would stem the blow but some parents are hell bent on making their kids feel guilty at all costs (I also gave my Mum stretch marks apparently - me personally 🙄). I was amazed to find my MIL couldnt even remember if her kids were god or bad babies, that's how it should be!

My Mum tells me if I had been her first I would have been her last.

I get that too. It doesn't hurt as such but I more just think "and?"

I also think it's fine to have a difficult baby and feel hard done by and exhausted and able to moan at the time to all and sundry. I have been there (DD only started sleeping through at 2.5 years)

I don't see the point though of dragging it up to said person years later like they had any bearing on their behaviour at the time.

My mum has the same story about me OP, only she felt like throwing me against the wall. But not just her, all my family and my parent's old neighbours talk about my constant crying.

When she mentions it, I say that it was because I was suffering from PND. The result of being born into the wrong family and a political shitstorm.

Chill out, you had a good childhood, maybe you were a nightmare baby. If you have children yourself surely you understand?

YANBU OP, to say you want to throttle a baby?! Seriously I don't know why some people feel like they need to verbalise everything.

I have to remind my older boys what they were like when they complain about their sisters (3 girls under 4) I have to reassure the boys that tantrums are normal!

Having a colicky baby is really really traumatizing. My mother used to make comments about me being an awful screaming baby and it used to upset me....until I had my dd and she was an awful screaming baby and I then realized how traumatized my mother was by the experience because I was also overwhelmed. I am sorry that it makes you feel bad but I now can completely understand what drives people to throw a child across the room. That doesn't excuse it in any way, but it does make me believe that we need to give more support to families who don't have it from their own circle of friends and family because it's the only way we will stop the violence....

The throttled thing is just an expression but it's not very nice that she dwells on the negative and doesn't have any positive stories about when you were a baby, I'd tell her to give it a rest. I'm sure it was stressful at the time but you're an adult now, she needs to move on.

I suspect that the OP as a prospective adoptive parent has seen life stories for children who have been seriously neglected and abused and so it's very difficult to hear her mother trivializing abuse. It may have nothing very much to do with her self esteem.

My mother can't remember very much about my baby/childhood, or at least she doesn't tell many stories about it and actually that makes me a bit sad. I'm the youngest of four and I think we got a bit interchangeable in her mind quite quickly. She loved being a mum though, which is obviously good. I on the other hand hated the baby years, partly because dd was a very difficult baby. Which she knows, and thinks quite funny. Possibly because we have always followed up that she's been lovely ever since.

My brother says the definition of a baby is something you love more than life itself, but could simultaneously throw out of an upstairs window

So true. My dd was neither an easy nor a difficult baby, but there were three weeks of tantrums when she was two that I was seriously thinking of giving her to my ex for him to rear (or to teach her how to fly)

This is life, OP. Your mother didn't throttle you, because you are here to tell the tale, but sometimes as the mother of a baby or a toddler it is extremely hard. And in our right minds we know enough to just keep walking up and down, up and down.

Unfortunately some people come from very dysfunctional families and probably have a mean partner and/or money worries, so they don't know that they should walk away when they get frustrated with their baby.

And my mother was a great one for telling stories about all my flaws too. One time I asked her if I had any redeeming features and she said it was my sense of humour. I cling to that.