to think my mother saying she nearly throttled me as a baby was a horrible thing to say?

[Rainatnight]

Out with my parents last night, along with DP, DB and DB's girlfriend, my DM told a story about me crying endlessly as a baby, and being able to buy a dummy for me somewhere unexpected, late one night. Which stopped me crying.

She said 'that dummy saved your life because I would have throttled you'.

I was really upset and cross. DP thinks I'm being over-sensitive and that it was a joke.

Backstory is that my parents have always talked about what a difficult baby I was. All the stories of my babyhood are about me crying, crying, crying, not able to be soothed, not sleeping, them having to walk the floor, etc. I wasn't very well as a baby so some of it was probably due to being in pain/poorly. But they've never said, for example, anything cute or nice I did as a baby, and it probably has given me an idea of myself as a difficult, over-emotional person.

They were loving enough when we were growing up, and we're a perfectly naice family. No one would throttle anyone else!

But I was upset that she said that.

AIBU?

My mum often talks about what a difficult baby I was - constant crying, very difficult to feed, poor weight gain. I think in retrospect the description fits with silent reflux. She did go to the GP but was told crying is what babies do. I have never minded this, I don't take it personally, it was a bloody awful period for my parents. Maybe it helps that it is balanced by lots of stories about cute things I said or did as a young child and that my memories of childhood are mainly very happy.

Different generations, what pearents feel acceptable is to say probably was 20-30 years ago. I tend to just "translate" into modern phrasing in my mind

My mum always talks about which of my siblings did what, who was difficult, who was easier etc. It doesn't mean she loves us any the more or less. It's just that kids are different.

I don't think it's about different generation: it's the actual relationship that determines what this means. It can be a way of underlining your love, by laughing at difficulties. In which case the underlying message is "and I loved you all the same and I know you know I do". Or it can be a way of saying "I feel sorry for myself because I had to look after you, you should feel apologetic".

It's about the whole past history, not only of what has been said but in the unspoken language of smiles and looks and tones of voice.

I don't feel in the least hurt when my mum points out what a little horror of a toddler I was. I know she loved being my mum. The message is that thinking back on that period (however stressful) makes her happy.

Dd had some quite serious problems and we sometimes talk about them. I am fairly convinced that it doesn't make her feel any less loved. The message is how proud I am of her for coming through those bad times.

For the OP, the message is obviously very different and I am not surprised that she feels that this is just in a long line of messages undermining her.

But the OP does say they were an otherwise happy family and her mother was loving. She just isn't particularly gushing about the baby stage because the OP was a pain in the bum. Hardly the end of the world.

Meh. My mum always says that after me they hoped and prayed they never have another girl because I was such hard work. Just makes me feel proud of the adult I turned into (probably still hard work if you ask DH but I def kick ass!).

I wouldn't take it personally. Wasn't your fault and they don't mean to imply it was. No baby is responsible for themselves.

I could literally write your post myself. YANBU. My parents always tell me what an awful baby I was as if I was doing it on purpose. I was obviously very ill but every time I ever talk children (newly married so as you can imagine it comes up a lot ) they go on and on about how absolutely horrendous I was.

Figure of speech. My mum often says 'I could have bloody throttled you!' when telling us about when we were kids. Truth be told the thought of us so much as bruising a knee makes her tearful.

YABU I think. My 3yo was a horrendous baby. She screamed so much that I would wake in the night (in the few short minutes I ever got to sleep) imagining she was screaming because I was so used to hearing it. I had PND and PTSD and was utterly traumatised from it. I very nearly didn't make it through, and on many days I had to put her down and walk away for 5 minutes to make sure we both stayed safe.

Babies like this, no matter what the reason (and I nownknow the reason DD was like she was, it doesn't make the experience any easier to handle) are extremely hard work. The newborn phase was literally just about surviving for me.

I love DD more than anything in the world and our relationship is great so far (she's 3 now), but I hated those early days. I'd try and have a bit of empathy for your mother.

I only ever talk about screaming when DD as a baby comes up. That's because that's all there was. When she was a baby, she screamed. Endlessly. There are no positive stories. I tell loads of positives about her as a toddler though - does your mum OP?
I think you ABU.

Normally I'd say it's just a figure of speech. But because of what you say about them never saying anything nice about you as a baby then I can see why you're upset.

I agree with this.

Next time they start talking about that a difficult baby you were, could you try and ask them if they can remember some nice things too?

It's often easier to recall the difficult times - nice things, like warm and fuzzy feelings when holding you as a newborn/seeing you smile/suggling you up in a towel after bath etc are less tangible but I'll bet there are loads of nice memories if they put their minds to it.

My DM describes leaving me screaming in my cot, closing three doors between us getting in the bath & still being able to hear me scream with her head under the water

User1471 I actually feel dreadfully sorry for your mom reading this and surely you have to recognise how desperate your mom was? If a friend told you this, would you judge or offer support?

Sorry for the delay in getting back to this.

So the general consensus is that IABU, which is fine, with a few people saying they can see where I'm coming from, especially as there are no nice stories.

So I'll take that away.

Something that probably isn't helping (and this isn't a drip feed, just a connection I've just made) is that we're going through the adoption process at the moment and reading profiles of children who literally have been throttled (or similar) which is probably making me (in general, at the moment) quite sensitive. So I'll reflect on that.

As one of those who does understand could I suggest that maybe you could ask your mum for happy stories?
I never did and now it's too late.

Rainatnight it does sound like you're more sensitive at the moment, and that should be taken into consideration whether you're BU or not.

My own story. DM happily talks about how much I cried as a baby, and I wouldn't take a dummy, or self-soothe. I cried so much that one day she snapped, came into my room and screamed over the cot "IF YOU DON'T STOP CRYING I'LL THROW YOU OUT OF THE WINDOW". Apparently it did the trick, and I didn't cry much after that. I was only wee - maybe 2 months old, maybe more.

In hindsight I'm not surprised. We're talking 50 years ago. Her family lived in the north-east and she was in London. Dad was in the RAF and overseas. Their first child had died the previous year and I don't think she really grieved. All of those together and I think she had PND.

All the cute stories are toddler upwards. I think the best thing she's got for the baby months are how fat I was, you could tell I was properly her side of the family (fat babies, stick adults) - it's said very positively, not grudgingly. I don't take it personally, I think the other stuff took over her life really. But that's me. You are entitled to feel hurt, but do ask for nice memories so you can balance it in your own mind.

I think that "I would have throttled you" is a glib phrase much used simply to mean that you were driving them temporarily nuts - as all babies do at some point!

My mother told me how I was unplanned and they tried the gin and hot bath treatment to get rid of me! - so that made me feel great!

Your being over sensitive. I was a nightmare baby until I was 3 years old I would wake up at 3 /4 o'clock in the morning and be up for the day. They tried everything with me they said if they had me first ( I was the last) they wouldn't have anymore. I just laugh about it now.

It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. My toddler is a major fucking pain sometimes, last night it tool over 2 hours to get her to sleep and she screamed and fought and kept pulling her arms out of her sleeping bag; I found myself telling DH that if she did it again I would rip her fucking arm off and beat her with it. Clearly I would never actually do that, but through no fault of their own, small children can push us to the edge of our reason.

My DSis was a difficult baby. Most of my earliest memories are of her screaming at all hours of day and night. In retrospect, she was clearly unwell, she also had terrible eczema so was likely cows milk intolerant like her own DS. She was also a very much loved baby.

My brother says the definition of a baby is something you love more than life itself, but could simultaneously throw out of an upstairs window............

I had 3 beautiful babies and one who was rather less attractive, difficult forceps delivery left him bruised and battered and then he had an allergic reaction to the hospital sheets so was covered in a rash. He was then the most difficult baby of the 4 and truthfully was difficult for the next 18 years and then he turned into a lovely young man. I would never say he was anything other than beautiful but have told him he was difficult, I've never said how difficult. I think I am sensitive about it as my mother told me she thought of committing suicide when she found out she was having me. It did upset me at times, it is hard to be sure how people will take this sort of thing.

Bertrand* when I had DS1, in those first few weeks I would pace up and down rock him and try to soothe him through his awful colic and the screaming, the fucking screaming that just never seemed to stop and I'd try try try to stay calm and not totally lose it, night after night, and I was frequently haunted by horrible visions of doing exactly as you say - walking up to the bedroom window and throwing him out.

I had the throw-out-window impulse. Could not believe how exhausted I was.

"it probably has given me an idea of myself as a difficult, over-emotional person."

Erm... hate to say it, OP, but...

I have only ever heard negative stories about myself as a baby/toddler- didn't stop crying, wouldn't eat, tantrums. But that's because i was awful- from the time back i can remember i was a VERY difficult child. My brother was the opposite.

I just laugh along with stories- they're funny! We're not the kind of family who would tell nice/cute stories.

My brother and I are treated completely equally, had a great childhood, felt very loved and have a great relationship with parents now. I just feel thankful to my parents as they must have had a really, really tough time (especially compared to if they'd had two of my brother!!!)

You probably were a difficult baby. I have one. Wow, it's been a difficult year! This doesn't mean I love him any less, maybe he will be fantastic in adulthood. The first year of his life. Probably the worst year of mine! He's still perfect to me though.
I bet you have your mum less grief as a teenager than your DB though