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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my mother saying she nearly throttled me as a baby was a horrible thing to say?

112 replies

Rainatnight · 03/12/2016 10:05

Out with my parents last night, along with DP, DB and DB's girlfriend, my DM told a story about me crying endlessly as a baby, and being able to buy a dummy for me somewhere unexpected, late one night. Which stopped me crying.

She said 'that dummy saved your life because I would have throttled you'.

I was really upset and cross. DP thinks I'm being over-sensitive and that it was a joke.

Backstory is that my parents have always talked about what a difficult baby I was. All the stories of my babyhood are about me crying, crying, crying, not able to be soothed, not sleeping, them having to walk the floor, etc. I wasn't very well as a baby so some of it was probably due to being in pain/poorly. But they've never said, for example, anything cute or nice I did as a baby, and it probably has given me an idea of myself as a difficult, over-emotional person.

They were loving enough when we were growing up, and we're a perfectly naice family. No one would throttle anyone else!

But I was upset that she said that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HateMrTumble · 03/12/2016 10:28

My mum still says she's going to throttle me now and I'm 24.. you seem very sensitive, I agree with your partner, likely a joke/figure of speech

Ohdearducks · 03/12/2016 10:29

You're taking this too personally, it's a figure of speech do you really think your mum would so flippantly say something like that if she actually did think she was going to throttle you back then? I suspect she would keep something like that to herself if it was really true.
Can you pinpoint why you're overreacting so badly to this? Everyone has stories like this from childhood!

SisterMoonshine · 03/12/2016 10:30

Is there a new baby in the family, or one imminent? She might just be trying to make the new parents feel better about what might be to come - less alone. And of course you've so moved on from being a nightmare baby, why shouldn't she be able to talk about it?

Farfromtheusual · 03/12/2016 10:32

Out of curiosity OP do you have any DC?

I'm sure if you did, you would be able to understand where she's coming from. She obviously doesn't mean literally but the endless screaming can drive you insane.

FWIW my parents say exactly the same thing about me, was always screaming, woke up screaming, went to bed screaming, was a miserable baby etc etc.

Glastonbury · 03/12/2016 10:32

Having had a child like this it can drive you to distraction at times. I am sure she didn't mean to upset you.

LuchiMangsho · 03/12/2016 10:33

DH and I used to (and still do) joke that there were days when we were ready to put DS up for sale on eBay. It is easy in some ways to talk of a difficult baby BECAUSE it is no one's fault and because so few people acknowledge how hard it can be. If your mother was going on about how you were an awful teenager or a young adult (at an age when such actions would have been deliberate) then that would have been upsetting. She can talk about her frustration BECAUSE she knows that you didn't mean it and it was just the way it was. I really wouldn't take it to heart.
I cried at the drop of a hat, was grumpy and whingey. Everyone reminds me of that. And I remind my niece of the time (she is now 20) when she would whinge at me or her mother all day for no reason. She finds it hilarious. She was a model teenager and is doing v well at Uni and knows we are super proud of her. And that she is much loved.
In the absence of other stuff I think you may be over sensitive about this.
Do you have children? I became a lot more sympathetic after I had my own and actually dealt with a sleepless child crying all night.

diddl · 03/12/2016 10:35

I can imagine how it must grate if nothing good is ever said.

I was "difficult" due to being prem & needing frequent night feeds.

It's not the only thing my parents ever say about me though, there's lots of positive!

Plus they don't blame me of course!

Crumbs1 · 03/12/2016 10:36

You are being precious and over sensitive. Be grateful you have kind and loving parents and move on. You are an adult for goodness sake - screaming babies are hard.

Wallykazam · 03/12/2016 10:36

Similar to costacoffee, I was a pain and my sister was a textbook baby! I now have 2 dc's and history has repeated itself! One textbook and the other, constantly whinging, needing attention etc... I can see where my mum was coming from, so don't be over sensitive!

LuchiMangsho · 03/12/2016 10:38

My MIL on the other hand insists that DH and DBIL never cried, never whinged and were perfect babies. Apparently they never even teethed. Then it transpired that she was deeply depressed after they were born, struggled to cope and had a horrid time.
So she insists that DH and DBIL were model kids and the two of them remember her locking herself in a room because she couldn't deal with them fighting and screaming.
Such selective memories are often the other extreme but I am really not sure it is healthy. When DS was born MIL would hover over me, sleepless, leaking from every orifice and wondering WTF I had done, and keep saying 'aren't you blessed? Isn't this magical? It was the best time of my life.' I could have throttled her. Of course, I now know that this was far from the truth and she needed to keep saying it to erase the awful memories she had.

AmberEars · 03/12/2016 10:40

To all the posters sympathising with the OP's mum: yes, I'm sure it must have been very hard at the time. But does she really need to be going on about it 30 years later (or however old the OP is) when her daughter finds it upsetting? Why?

Soubriquet · 03/12/2016 10:42

Yes I do think you took it a bit close to heart

PensionOutOfReach · 03/12/2016 10:43

It's a just a figure of speech so I wouldn't take it personally.

Re talking about how hard it was, I suspect that it IS their memories of these first months/years.
My own mum has been known to retell a specific story of me being stubborn. She carried on until I told her once that it wasn't nice for me to her about it again and again.

Maybe tell your parents how hard you find it to always hear about the rd times but never about the good times?

NavyandWhite · 03/12/2016 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1480182169 · 03/12/2016 10:49

, and it probably has given me an idea of myself as a difficult, over-emotional person

Why would you think how you were as a baby has anything to do with how you are as an adult?
From that, yes, you do sound over-sensitive and a bit silly.

UnbornMortificado · 03/12/2016 10:52

YANBU to be upset. Some people are just more sensitive than others you can't help that.

Has she form for saying stuff like that or is it a one off and you've took it too heart?

Enkopkaffetak · 03/12/2016 10:54

Op ask your mother a simple question. " I know I was hard work as a baby and I did a lot of screaming, however could you tell me some nice stories too?" I bet she can just hasn't thought about it.

Also the story is her going out of her way to find you something to soothe you and make you feel better (buying a dummy somewhere unexpected as they thought this would help you) to me that is a story with a lot of love in it.

AmberEars · 03/12/2016 10:56

Navy but if you read the rest of the OP it seems that this is a common theme. It may have been relevant on this occasion but these comments have a cumulative effect.

diddl · 03/12/2016 10:57

"You are an adult for goodness sake - screaming babies are hard."

Yes-so perhaps Op's mother needs to get over it!

It's not as if Op was doing it deliberately!

NavyandWhite · 03/12/2016 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallystyle · 03/12/2016 11:05

It's funny because I am very sensitive, but I'm not about this.

It's a long running joke about how I cried from the second I was born and how I have never stopped. My other relatives have often mentioned how hard work I was. It might be the only thing I'm not sensitive over because I know it was just a tiny part of my life, and while my mum may have found me a nightmare for a while she still loved me.

My 5th baby was the same and I never realised quite how awful it could be until I had her. I still look back at her babyhood and wonder how the hell we got through it. I laugh with my other daughter about how she made me vomit for 9 months and put me in hospital often and she replies with 'But I was worth every second'

I think if you are secure in your relationship with your mum it wouldn't matter.

AmberEars · 03/12/2016 11:06

I'm sure OP was a tricky baby - I'm not disputing that. I'm also not disputing the fact that parents in that situation need support while they're goin through it.

I just think that after all these years the OP's mum needs to give it a rest!

Bloopbleep · 03/12/2016 11:09

My mum says stuff like this but it's just a colloquial saying (afaik she didn't actually throttle me) - she'd also say stuff like I could kill you or if you do that I'll murder you but you don't take it seriously around here because everyone says crap like that. It isn't very nice that's for sure but it's just how people around here speak. They would be horrified if it actually happened

MsHooliesCardigan · 03/12/2016 11:15

I think you're being over sensitive and it's just a figure of speech. However, my DM still talks fairly regularly about my dreadful colic and recounts the story of a 4 hour car journey when I was 8 weeks old when I screamed non stop for the whole journey and I'm 48. It's almost like she's after an apology Hmm
DS1 was literally the most difficult toddler I've ever met and I do talk to him about how his behaviour drove me up the wall. But I also tell him about the rare occasions when he was really cute and I also frequently tell him how wonderful he is now. He finds it quite amusing hearing about his toddler antics.

nicenewdusters · 03/12/2016 11:21

I think your mum's remark was just one of those things people say, lightheartedly, but you're allowed to feel however you want to about it.

My mum has spent years recounting how much I cried, whinged for the first couple of years, also trotted out when I had my dc. Finally, in front of others, I said "I feel really sad that I must have been so unhappy as a small child, obviously something was wrong, what did you do about?" I also then said I'd now been alive a lot longer than those first two years, and anytime she thought of something nice to say about me I'd like to hear it ! She was Shock . She's rarely mentioned it since.

For the record we are close and get along well, but I think just because someone's your mum they don't have the right to constantly relate stories that upset you.