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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my mother saying she nearly throttled me as a baby was a horrible thing to say?

112 replies

Rainatnight · 03/12/2016 10:05

Out with my parents last night, along with DP, DB and DB's girlfriend, my DM told a story about me crying endlessly as a baby, and being able to buy a dummy for me somewhere unexpected, late one night. Which stopped me crying.

She said 'that dummy saved your life because I would have throttled you'.

I was really upset and cross. DP thinks I'm being over-sensitive and that it was a joke.

Backstory is that my parents have always talked about what a difficult baby I was. All the stories of my babyhood are about me crying, crying, crying, not able to be soothed, not sleeping, them having to walk the floor, etc. I wasn't very well as a baby so some of it was probably due to being in pain/poorly. But they've never said, for example, anything cute or nice I did as a baby, and it probably has given me an idea of myself as a difficult, over-emotional person.

They were loving enough when we were growing up, and we're a perfectly naice family. No one would throttle anyone else!

But I was upset that she said that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SlottedSpoon · 03/12/2016 11:23

What triggered the conversation? Were you, or anyone else present slating dummies and saying you'd never use them for your own child?

user1471446433 · 03/12/2016 11:31

I think it depends on how it was said really. As a figure of speech fine but otherwise not. My DM describes leaving me screaming in my cot, closing three doors between us getting in the bath & still being able to hear me scream with her head under the water. I would feel distress for any baby left like that & feel very hurt that I was that baby. I have kids 2 as babies were exactly as my DM describes me (& she told me to leave them to cry etc) & they were held cuddled & loved even when they screamed. I would not & could not have ever abandoned them as she did me.

NotDavidTennant · 03/12/2016 11:48

I'm not sure it's healthy to allow how you were as a baby to define your sense of who you are now as an adult. But I'm guessing that there is a bigger backstory to this that has lead you to feel this way.

slenderisthenight · 03/12/2016 11:49

I have a friend who had the most 'difficult' baby imaginable. She screamed blue murder all the time she was awake and needed miraculously little sleep. This was the only time during her entire childhood that this child was 'difficult' - she was a complete and utter delight thereafter and still is. Yet my friend remembers that first year of motherhood as the bleakest of her life.

She dealt with it by making it into a bit of a legend. 'The record time the baby broke her own record of sleeping for eleven minutes straight by making it to fourteen minutes before erupting like a banshee' etc. One day after this had been mentioned, the DD (then in her teens) was very quiet before saying at bedtime, 'I'm sorry I didn't let you get any sleep and made you so tired when I was little, Mum'.

My friend was stunned to realise it had been taken this way and I expect your mum would be too.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/12/2016 11:49

it was a joke from a dm who obviously loves you but found it hard when you were a baby.

my dn was a nightmare baby and had a wee red angry screaming face for a lot of the first 2 years of her life (she had countless doctors appointments problems with reflux, ears, the list goes on). First baby of the next generation in our family and we all loved her to pieces and tried to comfort her has much as possible, but we really "could have throttled her" sometimes. Its just an expression.

would you rather she lied and made up stories for you? You are an adult and can understand some babies are hard work. its a fact you were a difficult baby. you couldn't help it, you cant change it, it isn't a slight on you, you are being overly sensitive.

SpookyPotato · 03/12/2016 13:04

It's just a joke/figure of speech, no way does she mean she really would have.. But like anything, it depends on how it was said and your upbringing. If you had a nice childhood and she said it jokingly then all good, if you felt unloved and she said it in a PA way then yanbu.

Bitofacow · 03/12/2016 14:31

I think the oversensitive OP has disappeared.

JellyBelli · 03/12/2016 14:41

Given the context that your parents define you as a difficult baby, I think YANBU to feel that way. the story could have been told in a very different way, with the ending being 'and we found a dummy, and you were happy and soothed'.

Trifleorbust · 03/12/2016 14:43

It's natural to be upset if your mum never has anything positive to say, but facts are also facts - if you were a difficult baby there is nothing wrong with saying so. I was a pain in the arse. Didn't nap you see. But in my case that's tempered by positive comments as well, so it seems the real issue is your wider relationship with your DM.

Trifleorbust · 03/12/2016 14:44

JellyBelli: Even if she wasn't? God, how fragile are we that we can't hear the truth about crying as babies? Confused

DashboardLightParadise · 03/12/2016 14:46

It's just a saying.

My mum has told me she felt like throwing me out the nearest window. I don't take it personally and we have a great relationship. One colicky dc later I knew exactly how she felt.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 03/12/2016 14:46

It's a joke/ figure of speech.

GravyAndShite · 03/12/2016 14:48

JellyBelli: Even if she wasn't? God, how fragile are we that we can't hear the truth about crying as babies? Confused

I think mean people hide behind "well it's only the truth".

"Ok, mum. Maybe you were a shit live with holding no good with baby's shit piece. Maybe. ... well it's the truth, just what I'm thinking, your shit with your DGC, maybe you were shit with me too...?" Hmm

GravyAndShite · 03/12/2016 14:49

love with holding*

Zarabell · 03/12/2016 14:51

I think yabu sorry.

My mum says I was a nightmare baby, I exhausted her. I thought she was going ott until I had a similar baby.

I still love him more than I can describe and based on what you've said I'm sure your mum loves you.

littlesallyracket · 03/12/2016 14:51

It's just a figure of speech and you are being over sensitive. Nobody is saying it was your fault that you were a difficult baby, and of course your mum didn't genuinely consider murdering you.

My mum is the most maternal, kindly, mum ever, but she says things like "You had such a terrible tantrum on the bus once when you were a toddler that I could've wrung your neck."

Trifleorbust · 03/12/2016 14:51

GravyAndShite: I just don't get it. It's not 'hiding behind' 'it's the truth' to tell the truth. What's wrong with saying someone was a difficult baby?

RichardBucket · 03/12/2016 14:53

My mum told me several times how I was an awful baby who wouldn't stop crying, and she wanted to pick me up and shake me and probably would have if it hadn't been for my nan. It hurt my deeply.

Now that I'm older I think she was probably suffering from PND (not just based on that but on other things she's said). I don't think that excuses her for telling an innocent child that she wanted to kill me, but it stops me being so angry about it.

GravyAndShite · 03/12/2016 15:01

Meh. If you don't know what is hurtful about that I don't think I can persuade you otherwise.

Trifleorbust · 03/12/2016 15:06

GravyAndShite: Oh god, I very much doubt you could too. I think this is ridiculous. Grown-arse men and women weeping and wailing over the fact that Mummy had a hard time getting them to sleep/to stop crying? It's pathetic.

Bitofacow · 03/12/2016 15:12

Mum struggles with crying baby, possible PND, worst time of her life. A baby crying all the time, no sleep for months, it is the worst torture. She is probably still traumatised all these years later. I know I am.

Adult child upset by one comment about this immensely traumatic time in her mothers life.

How about - it's not about you, it's about how crap your mum felt. The world does not revolve around you.

Goingtobeawesome · 03/12/2016 15:12

YANBU to be upset by that given they seem to have done a lot of complaining about you and you can't recall any fond memories.

My mother told me she had gone to get me aborted and seemed pissed odd I didn't bow down in gratitude. Given she abandoned me ASAP for a bloke..

RichardBucket · 03/12/2016 15:16

littlesallyracket I don't know about the OP's mother, but mine meant it - she really thinks she would have killed me if it hadn't been for my nan who could take over.

MyWitlessPal · 03/12/2016 15:18

I get you, OP. I was gutted the other day when my mother informed me that if she'd had a 3D scan when she was pregnant with me she'd 'have put a stop to it.'

It was a joke, apparently. Ha fucking ha Hmm

Happyinthehills · 03/12/2016 15:40

Bitofacow its in the OP Backstory is that my parents have always talked about what a difficult baby I was
The problem is that the parents keeping going on about it
Not the one comment

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