Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex refusing to have the kids...

90 replies

amammabear · 02/12/2016 10:02

I'm so upset! After taking the kids to school (so they're expecting to go) my ex had texted me to say that he doesn't want to have the kids this weekend. I'm furious and really upset. He claims he's ill, but I find that hard to believe, he does that quite a lot (thinking "boy that cried wolf" and even when he is ill it's usually because he's eaten something crap), it would make it four weeks between when he last saw the kids and when he'll see them for Christmas.

They are going to be upset and a nightmare to deal with as a result. I'm going to have to cancel everything I've got planned this weekend, my only weekend to do anything before Christmas, and I'm also completely broke (£21.76 left in the overdraft) because he has screwed my over for child maintenance this month, and don't even have enough food to feed the kids for the weekend because they weren't going to be here!

I have that tiny thought that I might be BU to be so upset because he does claim to be ill, but I just can't believe it and even if he is, I don't think it's fair to do this to the kids.

Sorry, I know that doesn't actually make much sense and you're probably all going to tell me IABU, but what on earth am I going to tell the kids?! Sad

OP posts:
BratFarrarsPony · 02/12/2016 10:05

nobody is going to tell you are not reasonable.
What a total cunt. Does he have form for this?
How horrible for the children.
Just tell them that there's been a change of plan and then change the subject if you can. Do not say he is ill because they will worry.
Is the 21£ enough for a budget shop at LIDL?
Is there anyone who could help with a short term loan?

Looneytune253 · 02/12/2016 10:07

Have you told him he's being unreasonable? If we mums are ill we just have to get on with it although if he's got something contagious then they may be better off staying away?

JenLindleyShitMom · 02/12/2016 10:10

I feel your pain. Been there a million times. I had to hear through DS that his dad "mightn't" be coming for them this weekend. So I texted him. Got response two days later saying he wasn't sure as he might have to work. This is after me rearranging his last contact weekend because he wanted to go away for the weekend. I work weekends and have to organise childcare if he doesn't come. Is shite. All falls on deaf ears when I explain this.

pipsqueak25 · 02/12/2016 10:12

i'd be speaking to cm for starters and get them to chase him, can you borrow a bit of cash from family / friends for some food ? tell the kids there is a change of plan and do something nice with them cosy day at home with dvds, games, activities with mum.
i know you are angry and who wouldn't be but there is little to be gained raging in your mind at him, the dc will pick up on your mood so try to stay positive if you can.

MapMyMum · 02/12/2016 10:15

What ages are the kids? Could you distract them with free things to do, like thr playground, an indoor picnic, put up the xmas tree etc and watch the irish late late toy show (you can do this online www.rte.ie/player) this is an article about it: www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/abroad/irish-abroad-here-s-how-to-watch-the-late-late-toy-show-1.2886769 its funny and great!
If theyre older could you let them meet up with friends?
As for food do what you can, dont worry about nutrition for this weekend its about filling bellies - jacket spuds with beans and cheese, a stew/cowboy supper?? If you have the ingredients in the cupboard make a cake (flour, sugar, butter, eggs) or cookies.

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 10:18

Bratfarrarspony this was only his fourth weekend having them, until then he'd been visiting them here as he didn't have his own place. He does have form for claiming to be ill when he isn't though, or making out it's worse than it is. I'll be able to get food as family will help, but I can't do anything much with them.

Looneytune my first comment was that I still have to have them when I'm ill. He could have something contagious, but I just find it so hard to believe.

Jenlindley Sad that's awful. I'm so sorry.

I will of course cancel all my plans and find things to do with them instead, but of course while I'm doing all that and putting them first, what's he doing? It's so unfair on them.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 02/12/2016 10:18

Text back "The children are your responsibility this weekend. If you can't meet that responsibility, for whatever reason, then you need to pay extra for their food and outgoings for the weekend. A bank transfer of £xx by 3pm today will cover it."

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 10:19

I'm already seeing a solicitor for a free meeting on Monday about the divorce, looks like I'm going to have make this a whole lot more complicated. 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 10:20

Finola, I thought about that, but as I'm still waiting for a significant portion of the CM this month, I don't think there's any chance of that.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 02/12/2016 10:21

If he is supposed to collect them straight from school text back saying sorry I am in France - you'll need to collect them as arranged. See you Sunday evening!

OhhBetty · 02/12/2016 10:22

Agree with Finola1step totally. He needs to cover the cost of it. Or he can find alternative Childcare for them. It really pisses me off. As you say, the resident parent has to soldier on when ill, we can't just decide not to be a parent for the weekend. He sounds pathetic at best.

BratFarrarsPony · 02/12/2016 10:25

lazy bastard. I like the 'I'm in France' idea....:)

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 10:26

Lol allthebest! Sadly not, I have to get them and take them to him.

OP posts:
BratFarrarsPony · 02/12/2016 10:28

well maybe you could discuss that at your meeeting as well.
He should be coming to get them or collecting them from school on 'his' days.
I feel your pain, bear, my ex used to cancel by text and then switch his phone off....:(

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/12/2016 10:31

I'd be going round there and banging on his door. Is he totally stupid? How does he think parenting works when you're ill?! You can't 'cancel' your children because you don't feel well.

icanteven · 02/12/2016 10:37

I would be inclined to text him back with:

"No. As you know, you haven't paid this month's maintenance, so I simply can't afford to feed them this weekend, and will be staying elsewhere myself as I have plans that can't be changed. I will be dropping them off at 4pm and if you are unwell, then you just have to organise your own sitter, much as I would have to do if I was unwell when I have them. You should try sitters.co.uk."

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 10:38

Thanks everyone. I offered to take them part way after school because that way they get there at a more reasonable time (he's not local) whereas if he fetched them, they'd be much later and lose the evening.

Unfortunately the solicitors appointment is only 20 minutes so there's not much I can discuss. I told him to get some sleep for a few hours instead of unleashing the rant I really wanted to.

OP posts:
Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 10:39

I should also say that canceling my plans for the weekend isn't just me missing out on a social, I'll be letting down people that are relying on me.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 02/12/2016 10:41

I'd do as above - take the kids there.

Alternatively do his parents see or spend time with the kids? Can you get them on side?

myfavouritecolourispurple · 02/12/2016 10:41

How can a parent refuse to have their own kids?

Take them over as planned.

pipsqueak25 · 02/12/2016 10:47

my they can and they do, sad fact of life every day on mn. it's the kids that get caught in the so called adults mess, people like op who is doing her best to keep things happy and settled for their kids, full respect to you op and millons like you.

LouBlue1507 · 02/12/2016 10:47

What is it with parents and the NEED to do something with the kids EVERY weekend! Jeez!

Let them play with toys, each other, watch films! It's not going to kill them!

Yes I know, not entirely the point but if you ex is genuinely ill, then it's not the end of the world. £20 is plenty for a food shop for more than a weekend! What were your plans? Can you not rearrange or have friends come to yours?

pipsqueak25 · 02/12/2016 10:49

lou get your hard hat on Grin but you do have some good points....[ better get my hat on too]

goawaycloud · 02/12/2016 10:55

I feel your pain amammabear. I too have an ex who doesn't seem to understand the responsibiltiy of being a parent and that I am not just a default standby when he doesn't want to see him.

He probably can't or won't understand or even care (some ex's just don't get it) so there is no point in fighting, it will only upset you

Just try to enjoy the extra time with your children. Them having one lovely parent who wants to be with them can make up for the one who clearly doesn't.

whoopsiedaisy123 · 02/12/2016 10:58

You are NOT being unreasonable at all!

I would be so tempted to text back and say "Sorry you're ill but it's too late to cancel, I've agreed to (insert one of the following - work/go Christmas shopping for our children/visit family/friend), it's unfortunate you're unwell but when I'm ill I don't get to 'cancel' looking after our children.

Selfish arse!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread