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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex refusing to have the kids...

90 replies

amammabear · 02/12/2016 10:02

I'm so upset! After taking the kids to school (so they're expecting to go) my ex had texted me to say that he doesn't want to have the kids this weekend. I'm furious and really upset. He claims he's ill, but I find that hard to believe, he does that quite a lot (thinking "boy that cried wolf" and even when he is ill it's usually because he's eaten something crap), it would make it four weeks between when he last saw the kids and when he'll see them for Christmas.

They are going to be upset and a nightmare to deal with as a result. I'm going to have to cancel everything I've got planned this weekend, my only weekend to do anything before Christmas, and I'm also completely broke (£21.76 left in the overdraft) because he has screwed my over for child maintenance this month, and don't even have enough food to feed the kids for the weekend because they weren't going to be here!

I have that tiny thought that I might be BU to be so upset because he does claim to be ill, but I just can't believe it and even if he is, I don't think it's fair to do this to the kids.

Sorry, I know that doesn't actually make much sense and you're probably all going to tell me IABU, but what on earth am I going to tell the kids?! Sad

OP posts:
Marynary · 02/12/2016 13:51

Marynary it seems that ONLY one person is being the parent and has NO say in the matter so it's hardly a joint effort?

So you are saying that because the ex is a bad parent OP should too and insist the children go to his house even if they have a terrible time because he is sick and perhaps will perhaps catch something like norovirus or flu?

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 13:51

If he is sick, I don't disagree, but...

OP posts:
Marynary · 02/12/2016 13:52

-should too- should be too

Miserylovescompany2 · 02/12/2016 14:08

Marynary I could have sympathy for OP's ex if this was a one off can't be helped scenario?

BUT, it isn't, there is a great deal more at play here. It's not as black as white as the WELL parent should have the children.

OP is going through a divorce and is trying (through seething teeth) to make it an amicable parting.

OP's husband is doing everything to THWART this.

Strangely enough the ill ex hasn't stated flu or alike?

Marynary · 02/12/2016 14:24

Miserylovescompany2 If the OP knows for sure that the ex isn't ill then of course she should call his bluff. However, you seem to think that she should send the children to the ex even if he was ill and stated that a parent who avoided looking after their children when ill was not meeting their parental responsibilities and that only being hospitalised was a good enough excuse.

Miserylovescompany2 · 02/12/2016 14:30

Marynary my initial response was taking into consideration all the other things OP's ex has not done to meet his parental responsibility.

Maybe OP should take the children and herself along with a hamper full of goodies worth £21.89 and look after the ill ex? I am of course being sarcastic before you leap on the defensive.

Marynary · 02/12/2016 15:08

Marynary my initial response was taking into consideration all the other things OP's ex has not done to meet his parental responsibility.

No it didn't. You didn't suggest that he should be given the children because he was lying. You said he should have the children whether or not he was sick unless he was hospitalised. That would hardly be fair on the children.

satinthedark · 02/12/2016 15:16

marynary - you really do not get it do you.

I can only assume you are not a single parent with an Ex who turned into a feckless twat the minute he moved out.

Mine has gone from one of the most caring and thoughtful fathers, hence why we got together and had kids to the most useless mother fecker who does not give a shit. I lie, take up the slack and make sure he still looks good to the DCs because they seriously do not need to know what a total selfish twunt their father had become.

Marynary · 02/12/2016 16:03

satinthedark How exactly do your issues with your ex have anything to do with the question of whether children should be sent to a sick parent for the weekend? I appreciate that he may be lying (and if he is hopefully OP will be able to call his bluff), however, if he isn't, don't you think it would be unfair on the children to send them to his house??

c3pu · 02/12/2016 17:20

YANBU.

But having worn the shoe on both feet I'd take being the resident parent and being messed about by the NRP every day of the week.

kittybiscuits · 02/12/2016 17:28

Your ex is a cunt bear. Sorry you also have a couple of goady fuckers on your thread.

FourToTheFloor · 02/12/2016 17:45

I don't understand why you lie to your dc. Why wouldn't you say your df says he's sick so you can't go over or your df is busy working/whatever they are doing?

I'd your ex had to face the wrath of his dc maybe he'd be less likely to be a twat? Yes it's hard on your dc but so is seeing your parents divorce and having to split your time between two 'homes' anyway.

Don't say your df doesn't want to see them, just be factual with what he's said to you.

Having a 'd'f that doesn't want to actually see you is one thing, being lead along that he really does blah blah is fucking worse than the truth.

expatinscotland · 02/12/2016 17:55

YANBU

MsGameandWatch · 02/12/2016 18:39

I think a father not being bothered to see his kids has the potential to cause life long emotional damage for some children. They can become fixated on and idealise that parent. I have always protected my children from their father's flakiness and now they are very pragmatic about him and don't tend to be that fussed about seeing him. I'd do the same again because I think it's far worse for small children to absorb the knowledge that their Dad can't be arsed with them as they grow up. If you protect them from it to a certain extent then they absorb it gradually as they become emotionally more mature. That's been our experience anyway.

kittybiscuits · 02/12/2016 19:11

I have never been too ill to look after my children. I think that would involve hospitalisation or similar.

satinthedark · 02/12/2016 20:01

marynary - is it fair that the NRP does not look after the DCS when the RP is sick and it is not his contact tme?

satinthedark · 02/12/2016 20:08

Four - you ask why do you lie to your DCS?

Because, they will take their anger and disappointment out on the RP, who is innocent , they will never their DF that they are hurt because they do not want to upset him, so he does not want to see them anymore.

Because they idolise what they do not understand and want.

Because being the RP and watching your DCS sit on the stairs waiting for feckless twat to turn up and after hours they realise he is not coming.

Because being the one who has to hold and cuddle them as they release their emotions in the only way they know.

As they get older they understand and can process it, but you tell a 6 yr old that their DF has chosen to go away on a dirty weekend with his current shag, instead of having them on his weekend and not bothered to tell anyone. will not phone them to say good night like he usually does, because he does not want to "spoil" his free time. Oh and not hey can not speak to him because the cowardly twat has turned his phone off.

That is why we lie and make excuses to protect some innocent kids who do not need to learn at a very young age that sex and selfishness is more important to some people than their children

Marynary · 02/12/2016 20:19

satinthedark Of course it isn't fair.Hmm Ideally, he would also look after the children if she is ill, regardless of whether it is his contact time as this is the best thing for the children. I appreciate that a crap parent wouldn't do that but it doesn't mean it's okay for the other parent to behave the same way. The children are the ones who suffer in that situation.

Crazeecurlee · 02/12/2016 20:32

Agree with Ican'teven and other pp: take the kids there as you planned. In these circumstances it is more than acceptable to get ex to pay for a babysitter if he really can't manage to look after them.

LadyVampire · 02/12/2016 20:32

Don't delete the texts in case you want to refer to them later.

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 20:42

Marynary I'm afraid that satinthedark had pretty much got my ex perfectly worked out so her story is relevant.

Oh ladyvampire I'm way ahead of you there, I'm not just keeping them, I'm keeping extra copies!

OP posts:
Marynary · 02/12/2016 21:10

Marynary I'm afraid that satinthedark had pretty much got my ex perfectly worked out so her story is relevant.

Regardless of whether her ex is like yours, her story is not relevant to the question of whether it is fair to the children to be sent to a sick parent for the weekend.

MsGameandWatch · 02/12/2016 21:16

I'm with you satin. Seems like our exes and OP's ex are cut from the same cloth. It's difficult for some to understand I think, if you don't have to deal with a person like that who you have to resign yourself to "managing" because they will never meet you half way or do the right thing.

MsGameandWatch · 02/12/2016 21:17

I don't think you're going to get the discussion argument you want mary. You're actually de-railing the thread. Did you realise?

Marynary · 02/12/2016 21:21

MsGameandWatch My posts have all been to people who put my name in their post, just as you have done. If you don't want me to post, don't address me.

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