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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex refusing to have the kids...

90 replies

amammabear · 02/12/2016 10:02

I'm so upset! After taking the kids to school (so they're expecting to go) my ex had texted me to say that he doesn't want to have the kids this weekend. I'm furious and really upset. He claims he's ill, but I find that hard to believe, he does that quite a lot (thinking "boy that cried wolf" and even when he is ill it's usually because he's eaten something crap), it would make it four weeks between when he last saw the kids and when he'll see them for Christmas.

They are going to be upset and a nightmare to deal with as a result. I'm going to have to cancel everything I've got planned this weekend, my only weekend to do anything before Christmas, and I'm also completely broke (£21.76 left in the overdraft) because he has screwed my over for child maintenance this month, and don't even have enough food to feed the kids for the weekend because they weren't going to be here!

I have that tiny thought that I might be BU to be so upset because he does claim to be ill, but I just can't believe it and even if he is, I don't think it's fair to do this to the kids.

Sorry, I know that doesn't actually make much sense and you're probably all going to tell me IABU, but what on earth am I going to tell the kids?! Sad

OP posts:
Olympiathequeen · 02/12/2016 11:04

Flowers. Not unreasonable at all.

Could another family member take the kids for a few hours?

All you can do is your best for the kids when you have an ex like that.

HoopsandEverything · 02/12/2016 11:04

"I'm sorry you are unwell, unfortunately you parenting responsibilities to do not stop when you are ill. I will drop the children off at wherever. Please ensure you have suitable childcare arranged for the duration of the weekend should you need to use it because of your illness. Please pass on my regards / love to your parents this weekend if you see them".

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 11:05

Like I said, cancelling my plans means letting down people that are relying on me, not cancelling a weekend of social time. I CAN get food, but dragging them round the supermarket is hardly going to be anyone's idea of fun, and the point about doing something with them is that I'll be needing to take their mind off dad. I know that staying home they'll just be dwelling on the fact they're not with their dad (one child in particular is going to be very upset and it's not fair on them).

When I'm ill, it's tough shit and I have to cope, and it's just not fair on the kids.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 02/12/2016 11:16

I feel your pain. My ex has done the same to me countless times. They are selfish pricks.

I would text back being courteous but clear that the childcare responsibility is his and then drop them off.

NapQueen · 02/12/2016 11:16

Are you reading the posts OP?

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 11:20

Napqueen I'm not sure what you mean... I've been relying on this thread?

OP posts:
goawaycloud · 02/12/2016 11:22

No, it's not fair on them. Sad
We had a major thing a few weeks ago with my DS in bits about missing his dad. I emailed, school emailed, camhs emailed, ex played along and came to see him for an hr to talk to him. 2 weeks later and ex has just cancelled seeing him for most of his weekend around new year.
Do the best you can. Be happy and pleased to have them and don't let them think that you are upset they are with you.

CheshireChat · 02/12/2016 11:24

I'm guessing the OP is trying to compensate for their dad in a way, most of the single parents with an absent/ Disney partner ended up picking the slack so they bought stuff they didn't need or took the kids out far more often.

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 11:38

Goaway no, I absolutely wouldn't let them know I'm upset, but that's what we do isn't it, cover it all up for them.

OP posts:
satinthedark · 02/12/2016 11:39

Lou - I had norovirus a few months ago, I still had to get up, feed them stick them in front of the TV for the weekend and look after myself.

The point is why isn't the lazy fecker sorting out his back up child care himself - no simpler to just dump and walk.

I was puking, most of Saturday, Saturday night and by Sunday wasted.

It is the NRP belief that if they have a crisis the RP will just pick up free childcare, no responsibilty on them etc etc. They are not going to say no, because they are responsible adults who put their child first - not some feckless twat who does not get parenting is 24/7/365

My Exs response was, well I won't come round and get them if you are ill!!!!

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 11:41

Satinthedark exactly.

OP posts:
eyebrowsonfleek · 02/12/2016 11:56

Yanbu. Your ex is a dickhead. I'd tell him to transfer the maintenance if he expects you to comply with his excuse.
The only thing you can do is not tell the kids when their dad is supposed to have them and fake a "Isn't it great we have extra weekend together?". Poor kids Sad

Marynary · 02/12/2016 12:01

I agree it is very annoying if it is likely to be making up the fact that he is ill and this will need to be addressed if it keeps happening. However, if he is genuinely ill, it won't be nice for the children to be with him and obviously they may catch whatever he has.

The fact that sometimes parents have to look after sick children if there is not alternative is irrelevant as it's not ideal and most parents avoid the situation if they can for the sake of the children particularly if they had something like norovirus or flu.

Miserylovescompany2 · 02/12/2016 12:15

It must be lovely to have the option to not meet your parental responsibilities because you are ill? To have the time to tend to yourself and meet only YOUR own needs?

I think he needs a serious reality check. He needs to realise that he is the children's father and that takes precedence over all else. Yes, it's difficult at times putting other people's need before your own. As a parent, the majority do it without question or excuse.

If he is so fricking ill, then he SHOULD be in hospital? If he has the squits then he should shove a cork up his ass or get himself a man-nappy!! There is NO excuse! Maybe he has man-flu...(probably a blocked nose)

I can completely understand why he's your ex!

Marynary · 02/12/2016 12:35

It must be lovely to have the option to not meet your parental responsibilities because you are ill? To have the time to tend to yourself and meet only YOUR own needs?

I don't think that avoiding looking after a child when ill makes you a bad parent.Hmm If there are two parents, it makes sense for the one who is not ill to look after the children if at all possible, for the children's sake as much as anything.

bluebeck · 02/12/2016 12:48

OP I have read your other threads and wonder if he is doing this to punish you for no longer allowing him to see the DC at your home? You are absolutely right to insist on that boundary, but he has form for playing up doesn't he?

Other than the excellent practical advice you have been given here, I would not let him know you are upset. What are your acting skills like?

Can you, without going OTT so he knows you are lying, make it sound like you are barely suppressing your joy at having the DC this weekend because you really miss them being around and have lots of fun stuff you can do with them?

If he is the manipulative fucker I think he is, the more he thinks you want him to have them, the less likely he will be to oblige. Disgusting bearing in minds these are his children we are discussing but there it is.

Also, you can sort out the maintenance on an ongoing basis and finalise with the divorce. If he isn't paying properly do go to CMS and sort that out. It's not fair on children. Flowers

Upanddownroundandround · 02/12/2016 12:50

YANBU. OP do you have anyone who can help out like your own parents or your STBX's parents or siblings? Could they have your DC for a while or overnight so you don't have to let anyone down or even ask if they will give you all Sunday lunch with them to save you the money and distract the DC from missing their Dad? If it's your XDH's parents then an additional bonus could be that they are shocked and it will embarrass him in to behaving better.

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 12:55

Marynary it's not going to work the other way though is it

Upanddown all of his family are near him

Bluebeck I have been acting with everything else (for instance, he still doesn't know that I know about the things he said about us on Facebook) and while I've been honest about being very sort of money because of the cm, I've not let on how angry I am. With this, I've typed and deleted so many angry messages this morning and just played on how long it will be before they see him and that they're upset.

I'm trying not to piss him off so that the divorce goes through smoothly, but it's getting harder and harder.

OP posts:
PaulDacresConscience · 02/12/2016 12:57

Send Icanteven's suggested text.

He does not get to opt out of parenting when he feels like it. This is his responsibility too. If he's too ill to look after them, then HE needs to come up with a plan - rather than just step back and expect you to do the running around.

bluebeck · 02/12/2016 13:01

I think that's a great idea to ask PILS to have the DC, on behalf of their son because HE is ill.

Miserylovescompany2 · 02/12/2016 13:10

Marynary it seems that ONLY one person is being the parent and has NO say in the matter so it's hardly a joint effort?

OP's ex sounds rather passive aggressive.

Fair enough if OP's ex is ill. He's managed to let OP know, so he's obviously still got the use of this fingers or mouth? Why can't he arrange for his family to pick up the baton and give OP a much NEEDED break?

It's not just wriggling out of his pysical responsibility to be there for his kids, he's also not providing enough financially.

It's one thing being "ill" it's another making your children suffer because of not providing for them financially.

MsGameandWatch · 02/12/2016 13:27

Lots of "I would make him have them" and "just drop them off!" on this thread. In my prolonged experience you cannot force a man who doesn't want to, to see his kids. I think MNetters often operate from the idea that he must be a reasonable parent/person in that first place so would just let this happen. Men that are like this tend to just keep on and on doing it till you give up or they just drag the kids along on whatever they're doing no matter how inappropriate for them. Some men are unreasonable, lazy selfish arseholes who will never take full responsibility for their kids no matter how much you try to make them. Sadly there's quite a lot of them about.

Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 13:29

Misery the problem is, he knows that me and my family won't let them suffer, that we'll make sure they don't even know... So he still gets to look great with them...

I remember over the years him always criticising nr parents that don't pay or pull their weight. I never expected him to turn into one after being so critics of them. I'm starting to feel like my whole life was a lie and I never really knew him. I'm so stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
amammabear · 02/12/2016 13:32

Msgame I'm learning that. There's no point forcing him, he's not exactly doing a great job when he has them on a normal weekend (not doing homework, not bathing, brushing teeth etc) I can't imagine he'd be good with them if he didn't even want them there.

OP posts:
Marynary · 02/12/2016 13:48

Marynary it's not going to work the other way though is it

I don't know whether it is going to work the other way around but that isn't really the point. From the children's point of view it is better to be looked after by a well parent rather than a sick one.

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