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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To fall out with my elderly grandmother?

77 replies

NoCapes · 02/12/2016 09:16

My Nanna is 86 and over the last few years (since my mum has retired) has become more and more of an attention seeker
Faking illnesses, going to the doctors and A&E a lot and acting like she can't do things when people are around (yet being perfectly capable of doing them when there's no other option)
Ie. My mum went away earlier in the year and she was fine for 10 days, the day after she got home my Nanna had a 'funny turn' and rang an ambulance and made my mum go to hospital with her
We all know she's attention seeking but we all sort of roll our eyes and let her get on with it because she's old and probably quite bored, and really what can you do?

Last week my 1 year old had a nasty accident where he chopped half of his thumb off in a door, he had surgery to reattach it and is thankfully going to be ok but everyone was obviously in a bit of a panic
My mum took me to A&E when it happened and to an appointment this week to have his bandages changed (I don't have a car atm and he has to go to the children's hospital on the other side of the city)

The next day we were meant to be taking my Nanna shopping, so my mum picks me up then we go to collect Nanna who when we get there refuses to go if I'm going because 'she's sick of the baby being all anyone thinks about, he'll be getting all the attention and she might aswell not be there anyway, she's sick of my mum not being available because of the baby, why couldn't I take him to hospital myself?' Etc etc
She went on for a while and really upset my mum
My mum said she was being horrible and I was probably not going to want to speak to her after this and my Nanna replied 'I don't care I'm upset'

So basically she's having a tantrum because a baby got more attention than her while he was injured and she was fine

I don't want to see her or speak to her after being so mean and spiteful and she's already said she's no intention of apologising - yet it somehow feels wrong, she's very old and it's almost Christmas?!
Should I stand my ground on this one??

OP posts:

Original poster

NoCapes · 02/12/2016 09:16

Oh sorry that's really long

OP posts:

amusedbush · 02/12/2016 09:18

She sounds fucking exhausting. I've been NC with my elderly grandmother for four years and my life is much nicer.

Enkopkaffetak · 02/12/2016 09:19

I was all set to say you were BU however no I dont think you are.

Up to you if you " stand your ground" personally I would likely just carry on as normal and if she said anything simply say" off course he does he had a serious accident thankfully he is better now" then change subject (NOT to her)

steppedonlego · 02/12/2016 09:21

Apart from this one incident, how does she affect your life otherwise? Does she require a lot of attention you're not able to give, or does she do this kind of thing a lot? It's quite common for the very elderly to turn quite childlike in their final few years, and this is an example of quite childlike jealousy. I sympathise with you, because it's quite clear she's being incredibly unreasonable, but I would just wait for it to settle down and let it go.

buckingfrolicks · 02/12/2016 09:22

Be kind. Let it go. What does she have to look forward to? What do you think is driving that urge for attention in her? She's facing death. You folks are immersed in life. She IS envious of your DS and all the life he has ahead of him. That's natural. Ok so she's being melodramatic but please be kind. Surely you'd want your DS to learn tolerance and forgiveness and love, rather than spite and enmity?

I'm not an old person btw but have two irritating ones in my life!

Original poster

NoCapes · 02/12/2016 09:28

lego she needs a lot of attention yes, when I had a car I used to do what I could to take the pressure off my mum (she has 8 children yet only ever asks my mum for help) by doing her shopping and taking her out for tea and cake every week, there's me much I can do atm but I go and visit with my mum weekly and ring her every week
My mum has to ring her every day or she gets 'told off'
We (my mums children) have to see her at least once a week or she has a tantrum (yet the other 14 grandchildren see her on her birthday and around Christmas and they're all the best thing since sliced bread)
She is generally just a lot!

bucking that's what I'm struggling with, she has nothing else in her life, creating a bit of drama is probably very exciting for her, but for us lot it's just exhausting

OP posts:

Original poster

NoCapes · 02/12/2016 09:29

Reading my last post I've realised that I'm also a bit oussed off because out of her huge family there's only a handful of us that actually do pay her any attention, yet we're the ones being told off for also giving attention elsewhere

OP posts:

DearMrDilkington · 02/12/2016 09:30

Yanbu but I wouldn't stop contact with her just yet. She probably doesn't really mean anything by it, I find older people have absolutely no filter most of the time. She won't be here forever and you'll feel so guilty if she goes while your no contact.

Mine is very similar but she's lovely really, just speaks before she thinks.

DearMrDilkington · 02/12/2016 09:31

capes is there a club locally she could join? My dgm goes to one every two weeks and loves it. They regularly do day trips and things too.

Aderyn2016 · 02/12/2016 09:34

Being old is not a get out of jail free card for being a bitch. She sounds like she bullies your mum and by extension your mum's children because you all want to make life easier for your mum.

It is fucking inexcusable to be jealous of a baby needing medical care and the attention of his own grandma and to say what she did. I would cut her off in a heartbeat.

steppedonlego · 02/12/2016 09:35

OP, to me she sounds very old and very insecure. What would happen if you "told her off" back?

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 02/12/2016 09:40

I would be pissed off and I'm guessing she isn't the type of person you can just tell her that your really angry with her.
I wouldn't go NC with her though. Could she be in early stages of dementia? Personality changes is one of the early signs I believe (but I'm not a dr so not 100% sure)

SquinkiesRule · 02/12/2016 09:42

Everyone doesn't become a sweet old lady as they age, many of them are still nasty and I can fully understand families that have little to do with them as they have lived with this their whole lives.
YANBU but if you want to continue to see her, I'd just take her at her word.
"Oh I'm not going, you'll only pay attention to the baby" Say "OK we'll see you tomorrow then"
Do it consistently and she may well decide to act a little more pleasant.

1stTimeMama · 02/12/2016 09:48

My Mum is living a similar life with my Nan at the moment. She's 91, as frail as a dry leaf, has been in and out of the hospital for the last few months, but is refusing to go in to a home or take on carers. She has 2 children, but it's my Mum that is up at all hours taking her random calls about utter nonsense. It's my Mum who has to shower and clean her, who finds her when she falls. My uncle had a shower there a few weeks back, and she rang my Mum to tell her. She wanted her to come over immediately to wash the towel and replace it, as apparently her 57 year old son couldn't possibly arrange such a complex towel swap! She also seems to manage just fine when Mum and Dad go away.
She's being so incredibly selfish, and kicks up if Mum dares help another elderly relative, saying she obviously doesn't care about her anymore. She can easily afford the carers, or a home, but she's too tight to pay for it when she has Mum at her beck and call.
It infuriates me, and I see my Mum being run ragged, which is no good for her own health. She's got to a point now where she resents her own Mum, which is as really, but she knows she has to sort something out as it can't carry on like this.
Sorry that turned it to my own Nan-rant! My advice is to humour her to a certain point, but your Mum needs to talk to get other siblings and the load MUST be shared.

Bagina · 02/12/2016 09:55

Ime it's normal. Let it slide off you. I used to pick my nan up on things she said; I would say she was wrong etc. but I couldn't have fallen out with her. They do become like children themselves

MrsWhiteWash · 02/12/2016 09:58

Ignore the tantrums, and do what you feel able to and try and stick to that. See if there are any social clubs for older people - one of DH elderly relatives get taken to a council run event three times a week - gives the family a break and she looks forward to it.

Having said that my GM went like this when my GD was ill - family thought it was attention seeking. Uncle came over from abroad and night before he was due back she had a turn that involved hospital A & E trip - remember Uncle bitching to me about how it was all put on. They kept her in - and she finally had a though assessment - she was suffering from dementia - quite badly.

I admit I'd wondered about this as I lived away from home and could see the decline on visits back but she always been difficult personality and the decline was gradual and masked by GD - but with him ill that wasn't happening. A lot of the attention seeking behavior was apparently her illness making itself known.

Original poster

NoCapes · 02/12/2016 09:59

If we 'tell her off' back she generally has a bit of a meltdown and cries saying she wishes she would just die
Manipulative yes but it does work because there is nothing more heart wrenching than seeing a little old lady cry really is there

We've tried getting her to clubs and groups, she won't go, when my mum first retired she was spot more intense and we basically said 'if this is how much support you need we're going to get you a carer' and lie and behold suddenly she needed my mum a lot less! After she was poorly earlier in the year we managed to talk her into supported housing, everything was in place, forms signed etc then in the 11th hour she backed out and 'couldn't leave her house'
We've also tried with other siblings, but my Nanna flat out refuses to ask them for anything, just kind of waits until my mum can do it, and when my uncle tried to take over from my mum once in A&E she wouldn't let him in the cubicle

Rant away 1stTime it's horrible seeing your Mum being used and manipulated isn't it

OP posts:

MrsWhiteWash · 02/12/2016 10:01

Incidentally my Nan resisted going into a home but there wasn't another choice in the end once there she loved it. Though there was a lot of running around even with the that for my parents - and it did take a huge toll on them and their health.

Underthemoonlight · 02/12/2016 10:01

Has she always had form for this type of behaviour? My Nana was a horrible person throughout my dads life he couldn't bear the woman and very much had limited contact after being NC for over ten years. Being old isn't an excuse and if she has no indications of early dementia i think you both need to have a chat with your grandmother about her exceptions of you both, if she goes NC she will soon realise what you actually do for her. why don't your aunties or uncles help out? Is it because of her attitude?

bigredfireengine · 02/12/2016 10:04

She sounds really lonely. Oddly there was something on the radio about this yesterday, elderly people calling the ambulance service in part because they need attention and reassurance as they are lonely.

CreamCrackerundertheSettee · 02/12/2016 10:05

You could be describing my nanna! She has always been selfish and exhausting. I was very ill in hospital and my mum went to tell her that I was gravely ill and was going to need a major operation. 'Well I've not been well' was her reply!

I let it wash over me but I'm not the one doing the active caring like my mum is. She refuses carers, won't allow visitors and won't join any groups.

So you have my sympathy OP! Hope your little boy is better soon.

CoraPirbright · 02/12/2016 10:06

Totally torn between Bucking's approach and Aderyn's! But one thing that really jumps out at me is how big a family your grandmother has and how the rest of them do sweet fa to help and your poor mum is run ragged. What would happen if a family meeting was called and the others told to bloody well stop shirking their responsibilities, pull their fingers out and share the load?

Original poster

NoCapes · 02/12/2016 10:09

She hasn't always been like this no, the change when my Mum retired was like a light switch

She's absolutely lovely to everyone else, really overly nice when any other kids/grandkids visit, although she'll slag them off to my mum when they're not there, and anyone outside the family would describe her as a lovely old lady
It seems to just be me and my mum that get this side of her

OP posts:

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 02/12/2016 10:09

When people get old I think they just become more themselves i.e. if they were kind, they become kinder; if they were selfish, mean spiteful and vindictive, then they become even worse.

My paternal grandmother was the most evil person I have ever met, and it's not a word I am using lightly. She would go out of her way to do someone a bad turn, or cause trouble. I have no idea what hideous life experiences may have made her like that and I don't care - she knew what she was doing and revelled in it.

She destroyed my parents' relationship, told my dad that he should have died and not his brother, turned everyone in the family against each other and was a general cowbag.

She died unloved with only the people hoping for money from her at her funeral. Serves her right.

EssentialHummus · 02/12/2016 10:12

It sounds like she has many other children. Are they (broadly) in contact with her? Could the various children and grandchildren sort out a rota of calls/visits so you are all sharing the load a bit more evenly?

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