To fall out with my elderly grandmother?

[NoCapes]

My Nanna is 86 and over the last few years (since my mum has retired) has become more and more of an attention seeker
Faking illnesses, going to the doctors and A&E a lot and acting like she can't do things when people are around (yet being perfectly capable of doing them when there's no other option)
Ie. My mum went away earlier in the year and she was fine for 10 days, the day after she got home my Nanna had a 'funny turn' and rang an ambulance and made my mum go to hospital with her
We all know she's attention seeking but we all sort of roll our eyes and let her get on with it because she's old and probably quite bored, and really what can you do?

Last week my 1 year old had a nasty accident where he chopped half of his thumb off in a door, he had surgery to reattach it and is thankfully going to be ok but everyone was obviously in a bit of a panic
My mum took me to A&E when it happened and to an appointment this week to have his bandages changed (I don't have a car atm and he has to go to the children's hospital on the other side of the city)

The next day we were meant to be taking my Nanna shopping, so my mum picks me up then we go to collect Nanna who when we get there refuses to go if I'm going because 'she's sick of the baby being all anyone thinks about, he'll be getting all the attention and she might aswell not be there anyway, she's sick of my mum not being available because of the baby, why couldn't I take him to hospital myself?' Etc etc
She went on for a while and really upset my mum
My mum said she was being horrible and I was probably not going to want to speak to her after this and my Nanna replied 'I don't care I'm upset'

So basically she's having a tantrum because a baby got more attention than her while he was injured and she was fine

I don't want to see her or speak to her after being so mean and spiteful and she's already said she's no intention of apologising - yet it somehow feels wrong, she's very old and it's almost Christmas?!
Should I stand my ground on this one??

Cora ok that wouldn't ever really happen, I couldn't tell you the last time my mum and all her siblings were in one room, probably my Grandads funeral
One uncle is dying of cancer so obviously he's out, another uncle has tried a couple of times (but only the times it's convenient for him) but she refused to let him help, one auntie is quite old (late 60s) so that's her excuse and tbh the others are just arseholes and can't be arsed - but we don't have anything to do with them two
Oh and one uncle died years ago
But the grandkids are all grown ups and even some great grandkids are grown ups - but she wouldn't dream of asking them to be anything other than grandkids and just 'visit' when they feel like it

I don't know where that 'OK' came from at the beginning of my last post

Has she always been attention seeking? I agree with the other posters who are saying that it's maybe dementia related. My dm 88 is now like a 3 yr. old with a love of little things like ornaments, furry toys etc. She's changeable though, sometimes she sounds normal on the phone.

I feel for the poster whose dm won't go in a home, mine won't have a cleaner, (I do the cleaning and washing when I stay with her) or go to the doctor. She's in a lovely warden controlled flat so she's lucky though.

I think you just have to ignore most of it sadly. Nocapes

Flappys interestingly my Mum says that about when her Grandmother (my Nannas Mum) died - said she was a horrible, bitter evil old woman and she was glad when she died
I really don't want to feel like that about my Nanna, we've always been so close, my DD is even named after her

She sounds very very insecure - secretly terrified that she can't rely on most of her children/they won't make the same amount of effort to see her and so jealously trying to guard the attention that she does get from your branch of the family.
If she was a toddler, the suggestion would be to "love bomb" her for reassurance - but as she is a fully grown woman who presumably doesn't have dementia etc (or you'd have said), she probably ought to have worked out that you catch more flies with honey by this stage.

Sorry no, no dementia as far as we're aware, and she sees medical professionals enough for it to have been picked up on by now

Sorry you're being treated like this & your poor mum OP. Hope lyour little boy's thumb is successfully reconnected (my friend's dd did that- chopped off in a door & it was successfully reattached, lots of hospital visits & the bandage was enormous)

I'm wondering if your gran has dementia as well. My own experience is with a family member (A) who was previously kindhearted & never spoke bad about people. Unfortunately (A) is now paranoid and talks unkindly about other people, including (A)'s own children. Has been diagnosed with dementia & personality is definitely altered for the worse.

In my experience health care professionals & even the person's own GP does not pick up on the signals of dementia. They didn't in our case, we had to almost fight for a diagnosis.

the change when my Mum retired was like a light switch

Unfortunately your mother needs to be the one to set boundaries and say no or insist she gets extra help.

She almost certainly think you mother has nothing important to do now she is retired - so your mother time she views as hers.

My parents went through similar when my Dad was forced in early retirement - I don't think he minded to start with but then it just crept up and up. In the end my Mum used to insist they take days off and go out so they couldn't be contacted and have to rush over.

Maybe you could try similar help your mum be less available - ignore any tantrums or suggest a club or carer for that day if she really can't manage.

I'd also try wearing her down about extra help - constantly selling the positives - it might be a fear of change that stopping her accessing extra help. Plus if your mother is less accessible she might start to see the benefits and understand she isn't only thing occupying your mother's time.

My IL have just retired suddenly it's a constant surprise we are still busy with school and working - they need constant reminding we have other things on so we can't just drop everything. We are not nasty nor are they but it does seem to be a surprise every time to them.

It's because you and your dm are closest to her , like a child can relax and be themselves when they get out of school IYWIM. ( know it doesn't make it easier though ).

Hi NoCapes

She's being like this because she can and people around her facilitate this by rewarding bad behaviour. She wanting attention after your son was hurt was the latest in a long line of such behaviours too. You do not owe her a relationship and you do not have to see her if you so choose.

Being old does not give a person a free pass to throw tantrums to get her own way. Unfortunately she has learnt that this does work for her. Don't keep falling for her tears; these can be manipulative and designed to pull on the heart strings.

she sees medical professionals enough for it to have been picked up on by now
I think there's often a reluctance to look into this as well. Early on, my dad became very worried about everything, even though he'd previously taken everything in his stride.

This sounds very similar to my Grandad. He's always been manipulative but has been considerably worse since my nan died 2 years ago. He is jealous of my DS when my mother gives him attention, cares more about his carers than his own family (forgot my DM and DF's birthdays for the second year in a row but remembered his carers and even asked DM to crochet her a blanket for it ), never appreciates anything my DM ever does, and moans constantly that he can't do this and that, so she gets him help and he doesn't use it! She got him the help from the carers but will moan if it's not he ones he likes (a male turned up and he told him to piss off, and also a young Muslim girl came and he shut he door in her face), She's got him numerous alarms because he kept falling and couldn't get up and he refuses to wear them, she took him to get hearing aids cos he's going deaf, admits he can hear better with them by refuses to use them, he has diabetes and decides that he doesn't want to eat for attention, and regularly threatens to kill himself. DM has worked so hard over the years just to keep him alive when he's been on the brink of death, but has now given up and basically said if you want to kill yourself then do it I will not be stopping you. And to make sure that it's not me or my sister or his carers that find him dead. She's gone very low contact and he gives her 3 rings in the morning and 3 rings in the evening to let her know he's still alive.

Going NC is definitely not an unreasonable response! You will feel better for it. You don't need that negativity in your life.

#nanaissues my nan was a great nan but decloned slowly once my grandad died. She had dementia some years later and even though tried to stay with my mum it didn't work and for my mum's sake she had to go in a home. She never really liked it but she stayed as my mum still went every day same as everyone else despitell having loads of kids and grand kids was same ones who had to do everything. There's no point lowering yourself to that level OP as you said it just makes you feel like rubbish and if she died tomorrow you could feel like that for years. Just do what you used to do and ignore her petty hurtful behaviour. If she was always that way then maybe I'd agree and say it's not her age that's her and she's not worth it but if she used to be a good nan remember her that way. If anyone needs to stand their ground it's your mum and get her family to pull their weight. My mum ran herself ragged for years and when my nan died my mum was seriously ill for years herself from all the stress she'd been under and just worked through. Your mum has to be a bit selfish too and think of her own health

Your poor DM, and poor you and DS. Wicked old trout.

Don't bother falling out with the old girl - you need all your strength for the next decade of worsening behaviour. Being old is not an excuse for being foul but I don't see how you can stop it. You can manage it, though.

You and DM need all the help you can get, to be honest. Especially DM. Can you talk to DM about trying to control DGM's demands? Because you need to establish what control you can fairly quickly.

she sees medical professionals enough for it to have been picked up on by now

GM was seen by many health professionals only that last A & E trip was properly assessed and picked up.

Other GD was worse - family begging for help - got SS to asses they decided he was fine to be living by himself. Days later he did something so stupid it nearly killed him and others - ended up in hospital they assessed they said dementia was really bad - he had to go into a home. He didn't go nasty - just slipped away and couldn't do even basic tasks.

Haha declined why does spell check change to decloned when that's not even a word! Sorry off topic

My very elderly MIL is totally like this, she does not have dementia but has another medical condition which can result in such behaviour.
Some of which she "put's on" and some which she doesn't.
My DH and DSIL put up with a lot! but she is still their mum.
They try and limit the time they spend with her to what they can emotionally cope with but one or other of them sees her three times a week , she does have careers coming in 3 times a day as well.
She's going to be with us at Christmas, and she may be lovely or horribly difficult but I would never go NC with her. She is family and we are all going to be old one day, developing dementia, or similar, is most people idea of a nightmare would you want your family to ignore you if you became ill?

Please let it wash over you. It IS annoying, but she has very little to look forward to, and you will feel awful if she dies and you were not speaking. It is also possible that she is in the early stages of dementia. It can start with anger as the person is unable to remember stuff or function well, which must be pretty scary. She may also be nasty to you because she knows you love her and thinks you will put up with her venting her frustrations. Don't make that a lie.

I also think this is dementia-related and is the second childhood we can all expect if we live long enough to develop dementia. Unfortunately for old people who are just as compromised by their mental limitations as babies are, it is not deemed to be cute in old people, and younger relatives continue to have expectations of them which they can no longer fulfil.

I am trying to convey this to a family member right now who expects a 90-something relative to behave as she did in her 60s.

YANBU to be annoyed by it; YABU to expect any different.

Your Nana sounds bloody difficult however could she maybe have Dementia but nobody has noticed? Or has she always been like this people don't tend to change personality thayuch as they age. She also maybe frightened on her own and this is where the nastiness comes from not that you need to put up with it but people who are happy and healthy don't tend to phone ambulances about funny turns

My Nana was like this - attention seeking, faked illnesses, etc etc. When my Dad got sick with cancer, she told my Mum it's because he drank too much (one glass of wine or two a few nights a week!) - you get the picture. Luckily she died a few months before my Dad and gave my Mum some peace. Mum used to get torn between hating her and feeling shit for hating her, but at the end of the day she just wasn't a nice person. She was a selfish, self-centred horror. She wasn't nice to her own kids or her grandkids.

I'd cut contact frankly,

She sounds old and lonely and frightened to me. I suspect most people who have very elderlies in their lives see similar strange behaviour from time to time.

With age often comes dementia, it doesn't have to be severe to be noticeable. My lovely lovely dad who was the kindest, most gentle person until a few years ago, suffers with dementia now, not too bad, but he has nasty outbursts, rudeness and aggressiveness. This is not the dad I know.

At 86 I think you should suck it up and be the adult, your GM is regressing. It is not unusual.

Urgh, what a rotten old trout. Unless you're prepared to cut her out completely then your best bet is to treat her like the child she is acting like. So when she says she isn't coming out, say ok, nevermind, maybe next time and don't give her the reaction she craves. Don't try to reason with her or cajole her....that's what she wants the wrinkly toddler

I don't think it needs to be dementia as such. Getting old and frail must be terrifying and depressing. It would be nice to think we all gracefully decline into old age and death just getting more peaceful and kindly and smelling faintly of lavender... but it isn't usually like that.

My parents moved nearer me to a smaller house and garden last year. It's lovely to have them so close but there are times when mum is just irritable and downright horrible to all of us - but she's in pain, exhausted and running round after my increasingly frail and vague father. We help her as much as we can but she still struggles. We have all learned to roll our eyes and ignore the unpleasantness - even the kids.

There is no excuses for being selfish and unkind but there are probably reasons. I think your mum needs to draw some more clear boundaries and also tell her she was totally out of order regarding your poor lad but don't fall out with her - won't help anyone.