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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it's never right to call someone "toxic"

181 replies

eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 21:35

Just that really. I first heard the word about 6 years ago and dislike it just as much now as I did then.

Do you use it? What do you mean by it? Do you think it is a very strong word to use?

OP posts:
Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 22:54

"Saying the person is toxic implies to me that they actually don't have the capacity to be any different, in which case they can't be held responsible. "

Interesting, and there's something in that I think.

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thisisafakename · 01/12/2016 22:55

Do you feel that the word "toxic" implies some sort of comment/value judgement on the person's right to exist, OP? (Ie, that it would be better for others if toxic person had never been born)

In some cases that's true though. There are some toxic/evil/sadistic people who it would have been much better had they never been born. I won't name names to avoid upsetting people, but e.g. child-killers. Some of their exes have come forward and told of abusive relationships, controlling behaviour, beatings. I would call those people toxic and say that the world would be better off had they never existed.

Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 22:56

Fake, well maybe Hitler then. But Aeroflot's aunt?

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Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 22:58

Maybe it's that the word's meaning is extreme but is used casually?

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Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 23:03

Off to bed but have appreciated the discussion. Sorry for any offence to victims

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Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 23:03

Yes she was a very nasty person, unfortunately my sister turned out just like her, and we don't speak anymore. Since she told me to I invite her lovely ex from my wedding (I invited her first and she told me that she could not come as she was too busy, so I invited ex), sister had an affair behind ex back, and totally screwed him over, but we remained friends. I told her I was inviting him, and she could not tell me not to invite him, she put the phone down on me and that was that. She is nasty, spiteful and emotionally abusive, and is someone I would describe as being toxic.

Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 23:06

Ok, so I would be shocked by your use of the term about your sister. That's just a not nice sister.

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thisisafakename · 01/12/2016 23:08

Depends on the context. You don't necessarily need to be Hitler (and actually, I am not sure how toxic he was in his personal relationships bar that weird one with his niece, but of course better overall if hadn't lived) to be toxic. I would use it to describe someone who is poisonous and takes pleasure in hurting people.

You can't kid yourself that all people are inherently good. Many are really not and they enjoy inflicting pain on others and their existence causes misery to others. I think people should not be afraid to describe these people for what they are and they shouldn't be judged for using a word that you don't like. Maybe listen to why they think this person is toxic instead.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 23:13

She is my half sister who is a lot older than me. My dad was married before. She told me she wished I wasent born and she wished I was a boy and she resented me (before we fell out). She called me thick and stupid as a child. My mum is from Cyprus, my Great Aunt never approved of dad marrying a 'foreigner', as a result treated my sister and her kids (same age as me) better, and treated me and my mum badly.

winterisnigh · 01/12/2016 23:13

calling someone toxic is just that though whether or not you have sympathy with why....dsis is toxic and I understand why and have great sympathy for her but that doesnt mean i can be close to her - mil is also toxic but I have less sympathy for her.

Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 23:14

Yes, fake, in future I will focus on going "around" the word where someone has been the victim of terrible abuse

I first heard it used by my mil to describe her partner's ex who is a failed/flawed parent, but not someone who is worthy of lynching or abuse. I think I was a bit horrified by that and it has jarred on me ever since.

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BantyCustards · 01/12/2016 23:16

My estranged parents refused to help me get my children out of an abusive relationship - they told me that we were 'on our own'.

Fast forward a few months and my abuser is trying to break me in any way that he can. So he strikes up a friendship with my parents and gives them access to my children behind my back.

I eventually find out and take action.

I receive a lovely voicemail from my mother telling me she has no wish to 'be pulled into' our dispute (dispute being he hurt me and was found guilty for it). Her interest was 'the grandchildren' and she had a chance via my abuser to see the children and she was going to take it.

She deserves the label of 'toxic'.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 23:16

Some people are just not very nice people, their behaviour is a reflection of their personality. My mum told me more this week of how my great aunt treated me, and it hurt.

Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 23:16

So no agreed definition. I'll continue to avoid it. Thanks all.

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winterisnigh · 01/12/2016 23:16

aero My dsis is also much older and whilst did lots of good things for me growing up, there was always an undercurrent of jealousy and it did transpire she actually punched dm in the stomach when pregnant with me Shock

I also had dsis and db ( older by decade) calling me thick and stupid as a child, and when sibs are so much older - their opinions carried weight, or so I found.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 23:18

Oh god Banty she is bloody toxic, I would have nothing more to do with her.

BaggyCheeks · 01/12/2016 23:18

I think toxic is a very emotive word, which, when you've had the misfortune to be involved with someone who would be described in that way, serves a useful purpose. To me it conveys the pain that they have caused, and implies that they have caused pain to the extent that it verges on being impossible for the person using the word to differentiate toxic behaviours from the person themself.

I know one person in my own life who I've heard several people describe as toxic, and based on my experience of that person, I'm inclined to agree with them.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 23:20

Oh winter we were in the same situation. My mum told me this week, that great Aunty threw a party for my sister, and her kids, and would not let me eat anything, so mum had to go out to KFC and get me something 😥 I was 6/7, my mum said that hurt.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 23:21

My dad dud nothing and thought the sun shone out of his Aunts backside.

m0therofdragons · 01/12/2016 23:23

My auntie's words are so damaging, hurtful and disruptive to all the family she is the only person I would describe as toxic. So many examples - calling my dm and df (her brother) and offering sympathy that they'd had a baby boy rather than a girl, when my sister died she openly said it was a shame it wasn't my brother as girls are so much nicer. She had 2 daughters and a son and treated her son very differently as she doesn't like boys. Her own children won't visit her as grandchildren are treated differently depending on whether they are girls or boys. That's just the tip of the ice berg. She actively called family members to tell lies and stir - not anymore as they all spoke to each other and discovered the truth. She has 4 siblings and none speak to her. The rest of us get on brilliantly and have made so many efforts with her.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 23:24

Toxic also describes the hurt and the pain those people caused.

Cherryskypie · 01/12/2016 23:24

I don't know either. Toxic is the best description I've heard. It doesn't look at the reasons for their behaviour or try to psychoanalyse, it just simply describes them as harmful to others. The way they are may be due to upbringing, personality, circumstances or some combination of those factors but they are without question dangerous and damaging to be close to.

JellyBelli · 01/12/2016 23:26

It is like calling a group of people "vermin"
Its nothing like that.
A toxic person is repeatedly victimising someone.
Calling a group of people vermin is you victimising them.

Some of us dont rely on Dr google, we have actual problems to deal with in RL.

sickofthechub · 01/12/2016 23:30

I know a woman who has disowned her own child because said child wanted to live with dad. Who told her child that she had been committed because of child choosing to live with dad (proven untrue) Who told her child that an older sibling had almost died on during a routine operation and Dad 'wasn't arsed' because he didn't rush to the hospital. (Dad rang hospital and confirmed child was fine but advised not to come because mother was clearly hostile towards him)
The same woman also told her infant school age DC that their dad beat them while they were still together. They split when youngest DC was 11 months. This same woman also dumped her baby in a car seat outside the fathers work then called the police claiming kidnapping. This same woman also fell out with her neighbour and because she wasn't rising to her Facebook statuses and abuse shouted through the wall accused her fiancé of FLASHING HIS DICK AT HER FIVE YEAR OLD. Police investigated and child was interviewed - absolutely no truth in that either. As well as being fucking toxic she is also unhinged. My biggest regret is not seeing through her sooner and ever calling myself her friend. She is toxic on the very highest level.

TheStoic · 01/12/2016 23:36

Toxic = harmful and dangerous.

Of course people can be toxic, especially to the mental health of the people around them.

Sometimes it may not even be their fault. But it's still advisable to stay away from them.