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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's never right to call someone "toxic"

181 replies

eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 21:35

Just that really. I first heard the word about 6 years ago and dislike it just as much now as I did then.

Do you use it? What do you mean by it? Do you think it is a very strong word to use?

OP posts:
pklme · 01/12/2016 22:32

It's an adjective, like any other. Poisonous, vicious, abusive, selfish...

You can say 'it's very difficult/impossible to have a positive relationship with them' but that's a bit of a mouthful!

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 22:33

I totally disagree, some people are pure poison, and the cap fits for some, they are so nasty and spiteful. I believe it's a psychological term. It's not a name, but describes a group of behaviours exhibited by a person that classes them as being toxic.

Cherryskypie · 01/12/2016 22:34

What would you call someone who would eat the egg themselves, leave their infant DC at home and go out to the pub with their DH and spend the rest of the food money?

Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 22:34

When I was 14 another girl called me a sadist.

It is definitely the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.

So yes it may be a similar word.

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 01/12/2016 22:35

YABU - some people cause so much havoc and distress that they deserve the label

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 22:36

Yes a person who exhibits toxic or abusive behaviours, is toxic themselves.

Cherryskypie · 01/12/2016 22:40

Until they have the youngest child who always gets fed.

corythatwas · 01/12/2016 22:41

So how do you feel about sadistic, OP? It can be used to describe not just behaviour, but a certain type of person= somebody who takes pleasure from making other people suffer. Do you not believe there are such people?

RebelRogue · 01/12/2016 22:43

For example a neglectful parent is not necessarily toxic. They just don't give a fuck. But if a parent goes out of their way to make sure that any accomplishment,happiness,solace,etc. that their child might find is ruined,then they are toxic. Hope this makes sense.

Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 22:43

I don't know Cherry to be honest.

OP posts:
BalthazarImpresario · 01/12/2016 22:44

If it is how someone feels about another person then it is completely valid.

JellyBelli · 01/12/2016 22:44

I would always think worse of someone who called another person "toxic" than the person they were describing

Its lovely that you have had a safe life and never had to deal with a toxic person.
If the worst thing that has happened to you is someone called you a sadist, I can understand why you dont get that some people really are toxic.

Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 22:46

Rightly or wrongly I don't have a problem with "sadistic" (unless directed at me of course). I think it is a more established word.

OP posts:
Oswin · 01/12/2016 22:46

You would judge me more than my ex for calling him toxic?

He is toxic.

He beat me.
Sexually assaulted me.
Delights in not paying for anything for dd.
Treats dd like shit.
Treats his parents like shit.
Forced a girl to get an abortion because he didn't want to ruin his chances of getting back with me.

He is toxic.
He Hurts everyone around him.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 01/12/2016 22:47

Do you feel that the word "toxic" implies some sort of comment/value judgement on the person's right to exist, OP? (Ie, that it would be better for others if toxic person had never been born)

Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 22:47

It was the worst thing anyone said about me but not the worst that happened iyswim.

OP posts:
Mondegreens · 01/12/2016 22:47

Agree. It's a favourite term on mumsnet, used lazily by people who consult Dr Google and just like catch-all terms and professional-sounding buzzwords that they can use in diagnoses. Drives me crackers.

Agree. I think it's lazy pseudo-diagnosis rather than dehumanising.

jayisforjessica · 01/12/2016 22:49

Britney is to toxicity what Alanis is to irony.

Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 22:50

no, I wouldn't judge you for that Oswin. So I guess I have to take that back.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 01/12/2016 22:50

The way I think of it is that if they sought help, saw the light or whatever, and changed their behaviour they would no longer be 'toxic'. Saying the person is toxic implies to me that they actually don't have the capacity to be any different, in which case they can't be held responsible.

Maybe I'm not forgiving enough for that!

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 22:51

My great Aunt was was could be described as toxic, she was a nasty lady who exhibited a caring and kind, Christian persona to outsiders, but who treated me badly. She used to favouritise my sister, over me as a child, and made it obvious she did not like me. This used to really upset her, but in those days you just kept Schtum for fear of upsetting the apple cart.

thisisafakename · 01/12/2016 22:51

Sorry, OP, but some people are toxic. They spread a poisonous atmosphere and make everything around them bad. Some relationships are also toxic and are just all-round bad. I don't understand how you would think worse of the victim than the person being accused of being toxic, just because you have an issue with the word. You say you don't mind abusive, but what's the real difference? What about people who actively take pleasure in hurting and destroying others? How would you describe them?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 22:52

It used to upset my mum I meant.

Original poster
eyelevelgrill · 01/12/2016 22:52

"Do you feel that the word "toxic" implies some sort of comment/value judgement on the person's right to exist, OP? (Ie, that it would be better for others if toxic person had never been born)"

Yes. And that that is not something to be said as lightly as it is often said IYSWIM.

It is like calling a group of people "vermin"

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 01/12/2016 22:53

YABVU. Toxic means poisonous. There are some people who poison, or try to poison, your life for whatever reason, in every which way. I have one on my life, who should be the opposite of toxic but for whatever reason isn't, and I feel if you knew my experience you wouldn't think me worse for calling them toxic. Frankly for some it's too kind a word.