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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hide husbands drugs?

111 replies

Bjazzle · 29/11/2016 19:33

Prepared to be flamed here for being childish but im sick to death of dh addiction to cannabis, he puts his addiction and himself first before ds and myself. He has smoked cannabis regulaluarly for about 15 years, grew up with his family taking all sorts of drugs so genuinely believes this is the norm. I am aware I knew this when I met him but he has always been full of promises that he will stop. Ive tried to help him stop, ive booked doctors appointments and supported him when he has stopped smoking but he only lasts a couple of days before he declares he is now able to 'take it or leave it' so should be allowed to have a joint and before we know it, he smoking more than he did before. Its only recently hes admitted he is adddicted. Earlier today I wound myself up so much thinking about it, found a bag and hid it, unsure of what to do with it. Hes now frantically searching the house and even the bins outside. It really hurts that hes putting in so much effort into finding his drugs, but too lazy/ stoned to contribute anything else to the family. Ive tried to leave him but cant right now before anyone suggests this.
Aibu? Shall I own up and give him his drugs back?

OP posts:

JenLindleyShitMom · 29/11/2016 21:57

Loads of people can smoke weed recreationally and have no issue at all becoming addicted. Others have addictive personalities and do become addicted and if it wasn't Weed they'd likely be addicted to something else, maybe gambling or alcohol or the gym. It's not as simple as cannabis isn't addictive or cannabis will lead to you losing your home. Different people will have different reactions to it. Some people should never go near it. Others will Be absolutely fine.

CockacidalManiac · 29/11/2016 21:57

Do people realise that you don't have to be in a relationship with an alcoholic or a pothead? It's not either/or.
I wouldn't fancy being in a relationship with any addict.

Eolian · 29/11/2016 22:03

I think I'd go for not being in a relationship with an alcoholic or a drug addict personally. Not sure how alcohol is relevant to the OP. Also not sure why the illegality is ignored. I've noticed that it sometimes seems to be regarded as kind of uncool on MN to not do something solely based on the fact that it's against the law. I don't intend to teach my dc to just ignore the laws they don't fancy following.

Original poster

Bjazzle · 29/11/2016 22:10

Our house is in both our names, rented but even if I claim income support and hb, I wouldnt get enough to cover the rent, so would have to move from my home, our home that I have put so much money and time into to make perfect for my family.
It breaks my heart that ill have to leave, that ds will be part of a broken home with no full siblings, thats what has kept me from fleeing so far

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 29/11/2016 22:18

It breaks my heart that ill have to leave, that ds will be part of a broken home with no full siblings, thats what has kept me from fleeing so far

Bjazzle, it's up to you what you do, but separation doesn't necessarily break families, but fixes them.

You mentioned that your husband grew up in a family where taking drugs was the norm. That's the sort of family your kids are growing up in now. Is that really the role model for adulthood that you want to give them? Would you be happy if they took after their father?

madein1995 · 29/11/2016 22:22

OP you can mould your perfect home again but this time without putting up with your p. Once he is sorted theres nothing to say you cant be friends or ds wont see his dad - but you do deserve more than youre getting at the moment. You are all the family he needs, if your p doesnt put the effort in with ds if you split then thats not your fault. Im not saying you need to leave because only you know that. But you do need to put your happiness at the top of the list

Toffeelatteplease · 29/11/2016 22:24

The thing is with cannabis the paranoid psychosis gets you in the end regardless of how unaffected you think you are.

OP I think from the fact you raised it in the OP that you know you need to leave. I don't get why people telling you what you must do or that you are an idiot for not leaving is going to help.you know what you need to do, but rightly or wrongly you are not ready.

I've you do not feel strong enough to leave today. Don't assume that will always be the case. You can leave. Don't beat yourself up that today wasn't the day, tomorrow still can be.

Work towards that goal so bit by bit seems less scary. Write a list of everything that needs to be done for you to feel confident enough to leave at the end of the list write leaves. Everyday day do at least one thing more of that list. One day make sure you have your own bank account he has no access to, the next make sure child benefit and child tax credit are paid into that account, apply for jobs. Be kind to yourself over what you have achieved off the list and if you don't achieve everything you wanted for that day. When you get to the end of the list and leave is the only thing left on the list, take a breath and look over all the stuff you have already done.

Sometimes its just small baby steps that can get you there in the end

Starlight2345 · 29/11/2016 22:57

Op there are many things in your post that remind your situation of mine..

I left my ex when ds was 10 months old..

However..I did also assume that once he had a child he would put that child first...It was such a natural thing to me...It never occurred to me it would be different for anyone else..

He has no plans to change simply to pacify you so he can continue as it was... Please do not bring a second child into this situation..It won't get better.

Crispbutty · 29/11/2016 23:14

PeteSwotatoes, I have at no point said cannabis addiction was a myth. I have said I would personally prefer being with someone who smoked weed than someone who got pissed all the time.

I find drunk people very annoying, incapable of having any rational conversation, and in many cases quite aggressive and unpredictable.

I don't smoke weed, neither does my dp, but the majority of our friends do. I don't feel uncomfortable with them when they are stoned in the same way I do with drunks.

In MY opinion weed is the lesser of two evils compared to alcohol. Yet in this country only one is legal, at the moment.

JenLindleyShitMom · 29/11/2016 23:17

It breaks my heart that ill have to leave, that ds will be part of a broken home with no full siblings, thats what has kept me from fleeing so far

You're planning more children with this man? Is your head cut?

JenLindleyShitMom · 29/11/2016 23:20

Also, you wouldn't just be getting income support and housing benefits. You would get child tax credits (around £60 per week for 1 child I think) and child benefit and child maintenance from your ex partner.

Go on entitled to website and do a proper calculation to see what you would Be entitled to. You'd also most likely be financially better off if you work at least 16 hours per week and would be entitled to up to 70% of childcare costs.

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