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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hide husbands drugs?

111 replies

Bjazzle · 29/11/2016 19:33

Prepared to be flamed here for being childish but im sick to death of dh addiction to cannabis, he puts his addiction and himself first before ds and myself. He has smoked cannabis regulaluarly for about 15 years, grew up with his family taking all sorts of drugs so genuinely believes this is the norm. I am aware I knew this when I met him but he has always been full of promises that he will stop. Ive tried to help him stop, ive booked doctors appointments and supported him when he has stopped smoking but he only lasts a couple of days before he declares he is now able to 'take it or leave it' so should be allowed to have a joint and before we know it, he smoking more than he did before. Its only recently hes admitted he is adddicted. Earlier today I wound myself up so much thinking about it, found a bag and hid it, unsure of what to do with it. Hes now frantically searching the house and even the bins outside. It really hurts that hes putting in so much effort into finding his drugs, but too lazy/ stoned to contribute anything else to the family. Ive tried to leave him but cant right now before anyone suggests this.
Aibu? Shall I own up and give him his drugs back?

OP posts:

CanadianJohn · 29/11/2016 20:50

I don't understand addiction at all. I just want to join the chorus saying (1) your DP won't stop using/get help until HE wants to, and (2) do you want the children following in their father's footsteps?

Because they WILL become drug-users too, in due course.

cheweduprope · 29/11/2016 20:51

I don't understand why people are telling OP to leave him

Because she said he puts cannabis above his family and refuses to quit. Whether you think it's a hard drug or not, that's a big issue.

IcedVanillaLatte · 29/11/2016 20:51

I'm obviously a lightweight then. Perhaps the stuff that some people I know round here get hold of is very strong.

IcedVanillaLatte · 29/11/2016 20:54

Like, enough crumbs to cover the top half of the pad of your index finger is probably enough to get certain individuals I know pretty stoned. Presumably people are developing some kind of tolerance?

RichardBucket · 29/11/2016 20:57

I don't understand why people are telling OP to leave him.

What the fuck? Please say you're joking.

TheLobsterRollPlease · 29/11/2016 21:01

RichardBucket No I'm not joking, I would be joking if he was addicted to heroin crack/cocaine.

Eolian · 29/11/2016 21:10

So being addicted to something which affects his behaviour, makes him neglect his family and is illegal should be no cause of concern to the OP? Right... And your defence is that doctors sometimes prescribe it? They also prescribe strong painkillers and morphine. Would it be just fine and dandy for the OP's dh to be addicted to those then?

BarbarianMum · 29/11/2016 21:12

I don't understand why people are telling the OP to leave him

Well I'd encourage her to leave him because I lived with a cannabis addict for 4 years and it was shit (living with a heroin addict was worse but not actually by that much). Also I was a child at the time so can tell you that from a child's point of view living with an addict is very damaging. HTH

Starlight2345 · 29/11/2016 21:14

My ex was addicted to cannabis... I was in your situation heard the same story over and over.

He left so he could smoke drugs..Came back and demanded I allow him to some cannabis..I said no..So he came back..I gave lots of support

After last time I left he said he wanted to try again..I said no..I said I had enough of the drugs...He said when he had to give up last time it wasn't his choice...

He won't give up ...He doesn't want to you want him to...

JenLindleyShitMom · 29/11/2016 21:18

Kick him out, return to work/claim income support, housing benefit, child benefit, child tax credits. You'll manage. But kick him out. Or that's your son in 20 years. Because that's what you're choosing for him.

FruitCider · 29/11/2016 21:19

Why on earth have you chosen to have a baby with an addict?!?!

PeteSwotatoes · 29/11/2016 21:20

Hiding his drugs is classic codependent behaviour. You can't control it, you didn't cause it, you cannot cure it.

Get out for the sake of your own sanity.

My ex was addicted to weed. It was "just a plant", "natural". He became so paranoid he installed trackers on my laptop and thought I was sneaking men into the house while he was asleep.

JaniceBattersby · 29/11/2016 21:21

I don't understand why people are telling the OP to leave him

Because of the OP is having to resort to hiding his drugs then maybe, just maybe, it's having an incredibly negative effect on her and her DC's lives? It's OK though, as long as it's not smack, yeah?

You need to get out of this situation one way or another OP. Maybe if you don't feel able right now, then start to put plans in motion so you'll be ready to go when you're financially able. If that means going back to work to get your DC away from a habitual drug user, then it's worth the sacrifice.

FruitCider · 29/11/2016 21:21

Sorry, I'm just surprised you didn't see this coming when you have been in a relationship for 15 years.

He will never choose you over drugs. He can only get clean if he decides he wants to get clean. It sounds like he is not ready. Can you live with his addiction? If not you may need to split up.

gillybeanz · 29/11/2016 21:22

You have had children with this sorry ass of a man, now it's time to parent them properly, it's your call OP.
SS won't be too happy if called as you aren't keeping them away from drugs.
That comes from a recreational user whose dc don't have an inkling, there's none kept in the house or on the premises.
He can change, all this addiction talk is rubbish, cannabis isn't addictive.
The tobacco used to roll them is highly addictive though.

madein1995 · 29/11/2016 21:23

Drugs are drugs and substance misuse is substance misuse. It doesn't matter if the drug of choice is alcohol, heroin or cannabis, if it affecting someone to the point that their relationships, finances, work, home life or health is suffering, it is a problem. So it isn't crack or heroin. What exactly makes cannabis users any better than heroin users? Is it because there are no needles involved? Or is it because the media demonizes heroin so cannabis is a 'soft' drug? So what, doctors prescribe it now and then? OP's P doesn't have a prescription does he, would it be the same argument if he was taking diamorphine (medical heroin) without a prescription, I doubt it.

OP, I know you mean well and I don't blame you for seeing red and hiding the weed, but he's not going to change until he wants to. There's nothing you can do to make him, in fact an attempt to make him isn't fair to him. Only he can make the change. If you have kids, and even if you don't, you don't need to stick around watching while he sorts himself out. You have a son - if for no other reason, leave. It's not right. Before anyone gets santimonious about it 'only' being cannabis, it's not the drug taking that's the problem. It's the fact that the drug taking has affected other areas of his and his loved ones lives, and that would be the same if it was alcohol or any other drug. Soft drugs my arse. No drug is soft, there are consequences to each and every one of them and yes that includes legal ones like poppers and alcohol too.

Ginkypig · 29/11/2016 21:24

Not sure about now as I'm not friends with them now but last time I knew anyone buying it it was about £30 a gram it would do one friend about 3 days and my other friend about 2 unless they were together in which case they could go through nearly the whole gram between them in a night. I was never into it.

Hiding it won't change anything your right.

You need to take a massive step back and really think about what you want for your future and your children's future. You need to then make the choices that eventually will result in that future becoming a reality.

You can not change him he must do that for himself. So you must change your life to make it what you want even if that means he is not in it anymore.

I'm sorry your in this tough situation.

SpringerS · 29/11/2016 21:26

RichardBucket No I'm not joking, I would be joking if he was addicted to heroin crack/cocaine.

And what if he was addicted to alcohol? I mean you can just go buy that in the shop, don't even need to get a prescription!!! Ergo no one should ever leave an alcoholic.

It's not the illegality of cannabis that is the problem. Pound to a penny there are posters here advising LTB who have used cannabis recreationally at some point in their lives. Imo, cannabis use isn't especially different to alcohol use if it's an occasional recreational thing. But once it's an addiction it's a different matter. Substance abuse will not only ultimately destroy the life of the abuser but of those who love them, especially their partners and young children. Whether it's an alcohol addiction, an illegal drug addiction, a prescription drug addiction (like Xanax, Oxycontin or Valium which are all prescription drugs with growing numbers of addicts) or even a non-substance addiction like gambling. A partners addiction will destroy you if they don't want to fix their problem or you don't detach from it and leave.

PeteSwotatoes · 29/11/2016 21:30

He can change, all this addiction talk is rubbish, cannabis isn't addictive.

Have you lived with a weed addict? Watched them sob in your arms at 3am because they can't stop smoking it? Seen your "D"P steal money out of his mum's purse to buy an eighth? Had to stare at his glassy red eyes after he's snuck out to get high again, even though he wants to quit? Witnessed the anxiety, the extreme withdrawal symptoms, the fact that their dreams suddenly come back when they're not stoned all the time, the depression and the rage?

It is a drug and it is addictive like any other drug.

dogletsrock · 29/11/2016 21:31

My husband is an alcoholic, but is trying very hard to stop. He uses an online support system called smart recovery. They have a support group for spouses. It has helped me so much and you can use it even if he doesn't. It is completely anonymous. The link is www.smartrecovery.org.uk/
It really helped me work out where I was going and how I could protect myself, by not trying to control his behaviour etc... as soon as I realised what I was doing, I felt more in control and my life became much less stressful. You would be really made to feel welcome. I haven't been to an online meeting for a while but I can always log on when I need too.

PeachBellini123 · 29/11/2016 21:32

I caught my ex going through my purse because he needed money for cannabis. If that's not the behaviour of an addict I don't know what is.

dogletsrock · 29/11/2016 21:32

What I have realised is the importance of looking after yourself. My heart goes out to you xxxx

Crispbutty · 29/11/2016 21:33

£70 is a quarter of an ounce of cannabis (7g) More than enough for a regular smoker to last them a week.

gillybeanz · 29/11/2016 21:33

Pete

We will have to beg to differ.
yes there are side effects and the more you take the more they will affect you, like prescribed drugs do too.
It's like anything else really it's how much you do.
Just off for a small one.

Original poster

Bjazzle · 29/11/2016 21:38

I can assure you all, my ds is safe, I am with him every second of the day. Of course I dont want my son to become a drug user, dp sister grew up in the same house and has never so much as smoked a fag so saying he will definatly become a druggie is abit
I really thought he would stop when I got pregnant, (as promised) then after first scan, then after the birth. My baby has always ment the world to me and it never crossed my mind that he wouldnt mean as much to dp. He spends around 20-30 £ a week, and its worrying that his body is so tolerant. He maintains a senior role and is valued at his work, and to a stranger would appear completely sober after a joint. It just annoys me.
Ive asked him to leave but he wont, he has nowhere else to go and couldnt afford to pay for 2 houses (he would have to carry on paying for this one as im on smp) and until I have the means to provide for my son alone.
The drug habbit is actually one of several reasons I need to get out which I wont go into but can assure you, my son is definatly safe in MY care and hasnt a clue what his dad does.
I wrote my op to see if iabu hiding his weed and should I give it back.

OP posts:

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