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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be uncomfortable with visitors in my home ?

36 replies

pipsqueak25 · 29/11/2016 15:56

sends me into a tail spin if i know someone is visiting, we are a quiet, private sort of family and like our personal space.
l for one become anxious and feel awkward when dd brings her bf round, he's nice enough but she sometimes just turns up with him and that unnerves me that the door bell rings and she is there with him any hour up until 10 .30 pm and expecting for him to come in.
am probably to most people bu but that is us, never had friends round when dc were young, and very few visits from family. upsets me writing this tbh

OP posts:

HmmHaa · 29/11/2016 16:10

Oh dear. I am sorry you are upset, but you know you are going to have to find a way for this to get better, I think. As your DD gets older, you don't want her to choose going where her BF/friends feel more comfortable, I presume?

What is it that makes you anxious, specifically? Maybe we can help put your mind at rest.

Happybunny19 · 29/11/2016 16:19

Didn't you allow your dcs to have play dates either? I thought I was pretty unsociable but you've taken it to a whole new level. YABU btw.

winterisnigh · 29/11/2016 16:22

Hi op, you need to understand why you feel like this - and if its worth potentially alienating your dd as she gets older. Dc go through phases where they literally have no where to go! Parents who were awkward about their dc having friends over where the ones who were gradually left out of their dcs lives....Is this worth it to you.

cottencandy55 · 29/11/2016 16:27

I feel like this but with extended family and friends i think I've got social anxiety. But I don't think I would feel like that with the dc.
with aunts ,cousins and new friends yes.

FooFighter99 · 29/11/2016 16:28

I don't think YABU if your daughter knows how you feel about having people in your house. However, if she doesn't know that this makes you so uncomfortable, then you can't expect her to not to bring her bf round as she isn't doing anything wrong. If the anxiety is getting in the way of your life, then maybe you should seek professional help.

thegirlinthecar · 29/11/2016 16:29

Of course you're not unreasonable for feeling anxious . You would be unreasonable if you told your dd she couldn't bring him round though. I feel for you but I think this is one of those things that you have to try and get through / hide for the sake of your dd. I am incredibly anxious in specific situations so I do empathise.

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 16:29

yanbu to feel uncomfortable, but yabu to expect other people that live in your home to never have visitors.
It sounds a very lonely way to live, never having people round at all. Do you visit other people at all?

Amelie10 · 29/11/2016 16:33

Yanbu to feel the way you do but yabu to have imposed that onto he rest of the family especially your DC. How sad that they never had friends over.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/11/2016 16:34

It sounds so lonely,what are you afraid of? Do you visit people? Your dd should be able to bring friends home,she lives there too.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2016 16:34

I think it's not as simple as "this is us" there is an underlying reason you are upset with having people in your home. Your daughter should feel she is able to bring her friends or her boyfriend to her home.

So I'd maybe try to understand that and possibly get some help if required to come to terms with it, because having viisitors is normal. Sure it's stressful sometimes if we need to cook and play host etc, but just a daughters boyfriend shouldn't be stressful like this.

Manumission · 29/11/2016 16:38

So it's better with advance warning?

Are you okay with surprises and spontaneity generally?

Tenpastlate · 29/11/2016 16:39

I can totally relate to this. I really hate people coming round as it makes me feel so anxious. Not sure why.
Can you try to be as welcoming to your dd's bf and friends as possible, then take yourself off to a different room, and leave them to it, so you're not having to 'host'?

Original poster

pipsqueak25 · 29/11/2016 16:40

play dates weren't such a big thing when my dc were young they generally went outside to play or to other peoples homes. dd knows how the family runs and she is okay with it so that isn't a problem, it is a big family so there is never much space to sit anyway she prefers to go out with him any way. she's not keen on visitors in the house when she's here either. we are obviously a strange family !

OP posts:

Original poster

pipsqueak25 · 29/11/2016 16:42

ten thanks, i think that is it really, i'm not a natural host, but if i take myself off to do something, i usually get called back 'pip, tell so and so about blah blah, pip come and join us, don't run off ' does my head in

OP posts:

Crusoe · 29/11/2016 16:44

I relate totally too. I used to love people coming round but for some reason these days it makes me incredibly anxious as if they are judging me somehow.
I would never stop DS bringing friends over and always try to make visitors welcome but it does just make me very anxious especially unexpected guests.

Original poster

pipsqueak25 · 29/11/2016 16:45

meant to say the dc are pretty much like dh me. they don't like visitors either,

OP posts:

Mishegoss · 29/11/2016 16:45

I don't like to have visitors, especially extended family. I hate forced conversation and not feeling I can just relax. I like to know when people are going to leave as it makes me anxious to not know how long it's going to go on.
I don't tell people though as I know it is odd and I try to just tolerate it and not invite people over too often. It's hard and it's something I'd like to address as my kids get older.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/11/2016 16:48

But your dd clearly does like visitors if she's bringing her bf round.

NancyDonahue · 29/11/2016 16:49

I struggle with this too so you have my sympathy. I agree with pp's that it is something you need to 'get over' for your dds sake.

There's nothing wrong with asking dd to give you some notice of bringing friends round. It's your home. My dd's boyfriend is always welcome but I like to be prepared.. ie, not asleep in my pj's on the sofa with Magic Mike on the TV when they appear. They usually just go up to dds room so I don't have to socialise too much.

Freeurmind · 29/11/2016 16:50

I'm similar for me it's because I don't like people judging my home and most of my anxiety is around mess. If my mum comes down to see me (we live in different cities) I will stay up all night to clean.

I have three children so throughout the day they will mess up everything but as long as my mum saw it clean before I don't mind.

I also think it comes from the fact that when I moved in I invited my mum inlaw, her sister and one of my friends around for dinner. It was only a week after I had moved so stuff was everywhere, anyway my mum inlaw was slagging off the state of my home when I left the room and my friend told me later that evening.

I also can't relax fully if a guest is over as I feel like I have to be a good hostess.

Original poster

pipsqueak25 · 29/11/2016 16:54

dd's bf only drops her off and then leaves, he only stays a few minutes, she isn't asking him to sit down or anything dame she's hardly ever here anyway mish you and my family members are very similar, it is annoying but... tbh honest not sure why i posted, maybe i just needed to get it down, i like visiting others though, it's weird i know.

OP posts:

Original poster

pipsqueak25 · 29/11/2016 16:58

free am nodding with that one busy household, fear of being judged ? not very confident ? time to pull up the big girl knickers i guess, but the rest of the family won't want things to change and i can't impose new stuff on them as there is a mild sn ds in the house too, this is possibly where it stems from.

OP posts:

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 17:01

play dates weren't such a big thing when my dc were young grin they generally went outside to play or to other peoples homes

er, doesn't that mean that your children went to other peoples houses but you didn't reciprocate and have their children into yours?
And now you like visiting others but don't want people to visit you? It's all a bit one sided, hospitality wise, isn't it?

TinselTwins · 29/11/2016 17:22

To be honest, if my kid was friends with your kid, and your kids had been to ours a few times but my kid wasn't invited back, I'ld assume that your kid didn't like my kid as much as my kid liked your kid (hense the lack of return invites) so I would edge my kid towards other friends who reciprocate so she didn't get hurt.

Basically, I'ld stop inviting yours.

Dulcimena · 29/11/2016 17:25

I am like you, OP. We don't have children but we never have people round either. When it has happened in the past, I find it awkward and uncomfortable and don't really know what to do. It sounds stupid but I really don't know how to "host". Much prefer meeting friends in neutral places, coffee shops, parks etc. When I was growing up we very rarely had friends over, and my parents didn't entertain at all. I guess I've just inherited it from my parents. I don't think YABU, would be helpful for your children to learn how to host though.

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