to be uncomfortable with visitors in my home ?

[pipsqueak25]

sends me into a tail spin if i know someone is visiting, we are a quiet, private sort of family and like our personal space.
l for one become anxious and feel awkward when dd brings her bf round, he's nice enough but she sometimes just turns up with him and that unnerves me that the door bell rings and she is there with him any hour up until 10 .30 pm and expecting for him to come in.
am probably to most people bu but that is us, never had friends round when dc were young, and very few visits from family. upsets me writing this tbh

I think, OP, it's one of those things that's not unreasonable for you to FEEL, but is unreasonable for you to act on.

My mother didn't like visitors, she often wouldn't answer the door if people called in without warning.
You say your daughter doesn't like visitors either, well, I didn't like visitors in my mothers house because she didn't like having visitors, and would always complain about them afterwards etc. When I tried to talk to her about it she claimed that I never wanted friends over. That's not true, I wanted friends over but was embarrassed because our house wasn't warm and open-door-ish like my friends houses. I actually love having visitors now that I dont live with her… and I don't visit her much.

You're saying "we just a family who doesn't like visitors" but how much of that is you affecting the rest of your family I wonder?

I feel your pain OP.

I wasn't a child that liked to have friends round (always preferred to go to theirs or play out) and I would get 'twitchy' when my own DTS's had their mates around. I never prevented it (within reason) and was I think, seen as a nice mum who was generous with the treats and non 'helicoptery' etc but it was always a relief when they went. Internally, I'd be in a bit of a state.

I just can't fully relax with people in my house-be it tradespeople, friends or extended family. I do 'host' from time to time and get myself in a right tiswas in the run up. I much prefer to be a lovely guest-who turns up with nice food and drink contributions, is complimentary about the food/hosting and who doesn't out stay her welcome ;)

As for "unannounced" visitors. It would and has been, enough to make me avoid answering the door and people who know me, now don't tend to do it.

Host= open the door, smile, such the kettle on and make a brew, sit down and have a chat.

It's not rocket science and I think really unfair you are happy to go to other people's houses but not invite anyone back.

user and tinsel the kids are adults now and are doing their own thing, go out with their mates etc just as they did when they were young, they used to play outside at the park and stuff, kids aren't allowed to do that so much nowadays.
it is hard to understand my pov, i realise that, although some are getting it, i don't judge others views, so thanks to everyone, we must try harder as a house hold !

I can kind of sympathise OP. I didn't mind my children having friends over during the daytime. What really pissed me off was when they became late teens and were getting ready to go to a club. DH and I go to bed really early because we are early risers. Often one of our children would invite a load of other girls here to get ready together before going out. The bathroom door would bang every three minutes up to midnight and heels would clatter up and down the stairs before they finally got in a taxi to go clubbing. It really put me on edge. And as soon as they left I would get up and switch off the hair straighteners that one of them would have left on.

Pipsqueak You are wrong to assume that people who have open houses "don't get it". Most people have some degree of social anxiety, it's just that a lot of people either cover it up or have worked through it.

I had to learn hosting from scratch, I was never comfortable to have people in my home growing up because my mother didn't like it, so it's not that I don't get it, I do, I just think YABU if you allow it to rub off on your DD.

As it happens, my social anxiey is more geared towards being a guest: I never know how to judge if I've left too brisquely or if I've over-stayed my welcome, I spend the whole time trying to judge how long it's polite to stay (or not). So I'm more relaxed when I have guests and it's up to them to decide when to leave.. but again.. I'ld never let that rub off on the DDs and do my best to appear to enjoy visiting people.

That's why its so unfair that you think it's okay for your DDs friends parents to do the lion's share of the hosting, they may appear to enjoy it, but maybe they're just working really hard on it? and would like it to be on you for a change.

Tinsel- I agree.

I can totally relate to this. Have always been a bit like this.I am fine when my children have friends round as they are ' entertaining and hosting' their friends, but get really anxious about adults coming round. I think it is to do with having home as a ' sanctuary', fear of being judged, etc. We also have a son with SN who does not like people he doesn't know well coming round and also whose behaviour is quite unpredictable so can be difficult if people round.

Could u ask your daughter for a bit of warning when the bf coming? or say hello, have quick chat and offer a drink then disappear?

I love the children having their friends round, even at short notice as I could never do that as my mum was uptight about having visitors and wouldn't give us personal space. I think I have gone the other way on purpose!

I'm the same, home is our sanctuary. I only let my close friends and ds friends around. I don't even answer the door after 7pm as anyone who knows me will knock on the window.

It's just a personal preference not anxiety based. I'd say your house your rules.

My mother still casts a sly glance at the carpet that needs hoovered, or the glass table that needs dusting too!

But in all seriousness, not being fussed about having guests round is fine. If you don't fancy inviting folk round, fair enough.

I'd be worried if you actually feel anxious about it though. Even if you choose not to invite folk around, inevitably you'll have some kind of unexpected visitors. It's not nice to think you'll always fear such visits.