To be dreading the teenage years?? Please tell me about your lovely teens

[Mycatisfuzzy]

I need a grip.

My DD is 10. She is lovely - so happy, doing well at school, popular, has a really nice group of friends. She does a few hobbies, horse riding, music and Guides. She loves being outside, still loves playing with her toys, has loving extended family. She has her moments, but in general she is a sunny, lovely, happy child.

We were never able to have any more children, and perhaps that's partly why I'm feeling this way. As she edges closer to the end of primary school, I am filled with fear and dread of what the teenage years will bring to her.

I know I am guilty of skewed thinking. I also was a happy child, until something happened when I was 13. This something awful ruined my life and I had a horrible time of it, really up until my mid twenties - drugs, unsafe sex, depression.

I have also worked with troubled teenagers in the past, and I saw how difficult it was for them at times. Self harm, eating disorders, abusive boyfriends.

When I think of DD going through that sort of thing, I feel physically sick, and i wish I could run away with her and DH and our dogs, to some lovely, lonely cottage in some nice woods where she can play outside and ride horses and grow up in her own good time, away from anybody who might make her grow up far too quickly and painfully.

I know it's totally irrational, but I'm worried that as DD does get that bit older, my fears will hold her back. I don't want to be that overprotective mum and I fully realise that my own experiences have put a massive twist in my perception.

I would really love to hear about your own teens - just normal, happy teenagers who go to the cinema or ice skating and whose biggest problems are they eat too much toast and use up all the hot water

My ds is 14 and he's ok. He's very very lazy! But he's also very affectionate and caring and chats a lot - not your archetypal non-communicative teenager at all. He has his stroppy moments but normally I just say "oh don't turn into Kevin" and he laughs and snaps out of it. We've got a few years of the teens to go, but he's ok at the moment. He used to have a bit of a temper on him but he's learnt to keep it under control now. And I don't think the other kids goad him like they used to anyway. One thing is that he was very small for his age and I think he was bullied to an extent. He's now grown a lot and is closer to average height and is treated quite differently.

I wasn't a horrible teenager because I would not have been allowed to be. I did find my parents excruciatingly embarrassing but I didn't strop around (much).

It must be a girl thing because she has a different personality? Siblings raised the same are often different. One of my brothers is more similar to me than he is to our other brother, we've all been raised the same, so not sure if that makes him a girl or me a boy

Some boys bunk off school and are "full of attitude" so how could it be a "girl thing" or a "boy thing"? They're surely "some people things".

The insccuracy of these traits being ascribed to girls or boys is shown actually by the fact "good, hardworking" is often a stereotype of girls at school. Yet here the opposite behaviour is a "girl thing" and that presumably by extension a "boy" trait. We need to stop putting any behaviour down to "oh it's because they're a girl/boy" in my opinion.

Oh wind your neck in ... it was just a light hearted observation
I should have added a disclaimer: In my experience girls do tend to show certain traits and boys show others BUT there are exceptions to the rules of course.

I have two teens, 14 and 17. I can honestly tell you that this is the nicest years for me. I will be honest and say for dd, age 10-12 was a bit up and down, she was quite horrid at times just prior to starting her first period, but it was a short phase. I love the fact that they are practically adults, have their own opinions on things, we can sit and have conversations.

I think something that makes a big difference is their circle of friends. I am fortunate that both dd and ds have great friends. None of them are bad influences, so there is no smoking, drinking, partying pressures on them at the moment. I also treat them as individuals, which I feel quite strongly about, as when I was a teen I always had to follow in my brothers footsteps.

I try to be as open as possible, they know they can come to me for anything. I have been woken up at 3am for something that was bothering ds which he kept to himself for a few days. It was sorted out and resolved in one conversation, although it was light by the time we reach it....

At age 10, start to get ready for puberty, you will no doubt go through that phase of if you even look at your dd sideways you will get a strop, some days you cant do right from wrong, but that will pass.

girls do tend to show certain traits and boys show others BUT there are exceptions to the rules of course.

It's not a rule. Girls and boys don't have specific personality traits based on gender. Some may start to conform to how we're socialised from a young age but on this very thread there are comments of girls and boys displaying so many varied personalities as individuals. How you described your experience is how many often stereotype girls and boys the other way round.

I only have girls. Very minor attitude, definitely no bunking off school, they are funny and great company. I grew my own best friends!

With My girls and boys I didn't see any traits regarding sex. Oh dear that sounds wierd but you know what I mean.

Ds 2 was far more sensitive than dd 4 for example.

However beware labelling kids with a reputation as they then feel they have to live up to it.

I had one trouble free teen and one wall punching, door slamming PIA that came home once in a police van. Both are well adjusted, lovely, friendly adults with good career/prospects and people outside the home comment what a credit they are to me.

Even in the depths of stroppiness, I still loved teens, I loved them bringing their friends home and making me laugh with their tales, I loved their parties and worry free lives, I loved going through their teenage milestones such as GCSEs, prom, A-levels, uni applications. Their terrible fashions and hair cuts.

All of it, I loved it ALL.

Give me a teen over a baby any day of the week.

Mine are generally great. A few strops which blow over very quickly but fingers crossed are easily managed and are lovely people.
You never stop worrying about them/their future though. I wish they were more confident.

I have a 20 year old and one of 18.
I can honestly say I they've never been a problem.
They both work hard, are polite and family orientated. I also work with teenagers and (mostly) love talking to young people.
I guess I might just have been v lucky as they have been through ms splitting with their father too.
We recently all went to a party and lots of the adults commented on how they are great kids.
It's a lottery it seems to me but you have to just do your best and eventually they become adults

Oh and I massively agree that teens get a bad rap. There are loads doing the right things at school, working, volunteering etc.
And I agree they are a laugh to have around. How else would i know about rap music and youtube make up tutorials? :))

With regards to DDs vs DSs. Even in my 40s I have times when PMT and hormones get the better of me, when I get irrationally angry and pissed off or just plain sad. I wouldn't expect a teenage girl to cope better than I do so sometimes I do expect teenage girls to be a bit stroppier and 'teenage' than boys. Some girls will cope better than others, maybe due to environment, maybe due to personality. DD had issues that the DSs didn't have and couldn't have but that's just how it goes.

ds is 14 and my eldest, so maybe we haven't hit it all yet, but he is lovely.

Opinionated, argumentative and hormonal at times, but generally lovely.

Picked him up fomr a French exchange last week and he gave me a huge hug in front of all his mates, and then two more in the car on the way home!

Then was stroppy teen as we tried to get him to go to bed!

I love the new ds, the older, not inot lego any more, budding into an adult ds.
I love the complete silliness of him over some teen thing (hair, T shirt, car)
I love the hugeness of him (size 12 feet and taller than me)

Deal with dd as she is on each day, don't anticitpate the person she might be in a few years. She might not be that at all.

If your DD enjoys guides, offer to go and help with a couple of activities there (or in a nearby guide unit if having her mum there would be awkward for DD). The leaders will be grateful for a hand, and you will get to see lots of happy, reasonably well adjusted teenagers just being themselves. Yes they are sometimes stroppy and insecure but they can also be polite, hard working, thoughtful, curious, lovely people.

I was a horrible teen and I don't think my mum was comfortable with teenagers at all - I've learned so much from being involved in guides, I feel really confident that when my own DC get to that age, I'll manage fine.

Dd is 22. At 11 and 12 she raged and was very rude and defiant (hormonal perhaps). By 13 she was spirited and lively but had lost the constant defiance. I picked my battles - the importance of school work, politeness, being helpful etc. Too short a skirt etc saw me grin and bear it as did I when the first boyfriend was awful. She was then 15. I still welcomed him to our home (then I could keep an eye on him) and in time she got shot of him and his lying and cheating. I refused to drive her away over him. We are now close and she has given me little to worry about compared with many parents posting on MN. We have holidays and trips together but she is away at university and so has her own independent life. I am interested and give advice when asked. I am an older mother and very grateful to be in this position. My lightness of touch comes I think from my having had extremely strict parents who ran a household imbued with suspicion. I barely went out apart from school because I couldn't stand the interrogations!

My eldest was horrible. Hit 11 and was deep into puberty. She was a bloody nightmare, for about 3 years. Then she sorted herself out and became tolerable. The next few years were hard but not terrible. She's been an absolute joy since she was about 17. My son is now 21 but has never been anything but lovely. He didn't bother much with toddler tantrums and teen tantrums he seemed to give a miss altogether.

My younger two are teenage girls. We have the occasional shouty day, the usual sisterly bitching and a wee bit of stroppiness, especially when they are hormonal but on the whole they are lovely. Full of life and humour and awesomeness.

one vow I made was never ever to have an argument over clothes or hair.

(except possibly if it breaks school rules, then if they are unresponsive, I let school deal with it)

Great to hear about all the wonderful teens and the joy of watching them become adults. To the pp that mentioned the oh it's all down to our parenting - I'd agree there are a couple of posts that stick in my craw a bit "watching all our hard work pay off" etc, but on the whole I think people are posting about how great their teens are to reassure rather than to crow.

I've got a 13yo and a 10yo btw, so reading with interest!

My daughter plays sledge hockey (hockey for the disabled) and is one of the youngest on a team of very lovely teens. They check up on her when she is unable to attend practice, include her in their get-togethers while travelling for competition, and have even set her up to score her very first goal.

They had a talk in the locker room that they had been doing well, and if it continued, they needed to set up the less successful players so they had a chance at a goal - as a result, 4 of the less able players were able to "hit the score sheet" for the first time. This came entirely from the players, the coaches were uninvolved - not even in the room at the time).

So, there are some damn fine teenagers out there... most of them are a product of their upbringing.

Shins, I think it is rather jumping to conclusions to assume that lovely teens are somehow people who have had an easier ride. Some of our teens have been through pretty horrendous things, and some of us have had to fight very hard even to keep them alive, let alone to provide any quality of life.

I don't take credit for dd being a lovely person. But I do think I have to take some credit for the fact that she is still a lovely person in this world.

I will keep this brief! Dd was a happy, bright pre-teen, lots of friends, stable family etc etc at 14 she collapsed at school, she had lost weight which I had noticed, but there was a lot more going on. Diagnosed with an eating disorder, we spent 2 years in a kind of hell, weekly counselling sessions through CAHMS, you learn a lot, you deal with it, it becomes part of who you are.

She was still lovely just in a slightly different, more troubled way. Someone who needed some special attention.
Now DD is 18, on the other side, at a top university, loving life.
How did that happen? we will never truly know, but I never made it my problem - it was always her problem and it was dealt with as such. It wasn't about me, about what I had or hadn't done and I believe this approach helped us through. I was always really open about what we were going through, and it was scary how many people were going through or had experienced similar things with their daughters.
I now have two pre teens, whatever they throw at me, I will be there, we will handle it.

Whatever you do, never think the bad things cant happen to you, they can literally happen to anyone and it can happen over night! Don't expect them either, just be prepared and have clear boundaries!

Amy, thank god for you calling out this characterisation of how male and female teens ought to be. I strive to do so to, with a 17 y/o DS and a 15 y/o DD, perhaps especially the latter, as there sometimes seems to be more generalisations and barriers applied to her, but that's an observation of one.

Another one here with delightful, thoughtful, interesting, funny, characterful DC. I am loving the teenage years, but also thought they would be a nightmare.

Yes there's the odd 'strop' from both, and the odd argument, but no more so probably than their parents.

Both of mine have the most solid set of friends. I do think that matters enormously imho.

Mine are (almost) 20 and 18, eldest is Ds who has ASD. I've loved every minute of parenting them. Neither of them had tantrums as toddlers or young children and both went on to do well at school. I still get daily hugs and we've never had any behavioural dramas. The worst I get is messy bedrooms and the kitchen not being cleaned up in the timeframe I've asked for.

Once thing my children never had the opportunity to do was to hang around the streets with the other kids in the village. Ds was happy to go to Scouts and stay at home on the remaining evenings, Dd was heavily involved in her sports and music groups so most evenings and weekends were busy with those. Both of my children were very into reading from a very young age and it definitely helped them with school work, general knowledge and expanding their horizons. I wouldn't do anything differently if I could do it all again.

Needastrongone it really gets to me. It's so commonplace and socialisation starts so early that I think it can sometimes be 'self-fulfilling' in that we're pushed into certain roles or acting in certain ways dependant on our sex so strongly with all the messages we receive, then behaviour being described as being "girly" or "boyish" and children being expected to conform to one or the other, even pushed into it sometimes. I do think that if anyone thinks about it more it'd be obvious how inaccurate it is though (even on this thread different behaviours have been put down to being a girl or boy, and behaviours commonly stereotyped as being for one sex have been deemed as being due to the child being the other). I can also see it with my own experience of myself, friends, my brothers etc, so many different personalities not due to being a girl or boy. I'm sure with your help your daughter and son are both being able to be as free from this stereotyping as they can be in a culture which attempts to force it upon us!

My son - almost 16, is fab. He's never been any trouble, his friends are lovely too and I thoroughly enjoy them coming round! He's a happy boy with no signs of teen angst (as are his friends). Don't panic!