To be dreading the teenage years?? Please tell me about your lovely teens

[Mycatisfuzzy]

I need a grip.

My DD is 10. She is lovely - so happy, doing well at school, popular, has a really nice group of friends. She does a few hobbies, horse riding, music and Guides. She loves being outside, still loves playing with her toys, has loving extended family. She has her moments, but in general she is a sunny, lovely, happy child.

We were never able to have any more children, and perhaps that's partly why I'm feeling this way. As she edges closer to the end of primary school, I am filled with fear and dread of what the teenage years will bring to her.

I know I am guilty of skewed thinking. I also was a happy child, until something happened when I was 13. This something awful ruined my life and I had a horrible time of it, really up until my mid twenties - drugs, unsafe sex, depression.

I have also worked with troubled teenagers in the past, and I saw how difficult it was for them at times. Self harm, eating disorders, abusive boyfriends.

When I think of DD going through that sort of thing, I feel physically sick, and i wish I could run away with her and DH and our dogs, to some lovely, lonely cottage in some nice woods where she can play outside and ride horses and grow up in her own good time, away from anybody who might make her grow up far too quickly and painfully.

I know it's totally irrational, but I'm worried that as DD does get that bit older, my fears will hold her back. I don't want to be that overprotective mum and I fully realise that my own experiences have put a massive twist in my perception.

I would really love to hear about your own teens - just normal, happy teenagers who go to the cinema or ice skating and whose biggest problems are they eat too much toast and use up all the hot water

I appreciate boys are often easier and more straightforward

Some of the most troubled teen stories I've read on here have been about boys.

I think it's a myth that boys are more 'straightforward'. There is nothing straightforward about a boy who's withdrawn and opts out of life.

I have 3 DC's all now just out of their teens. I can honestly say they were really easy as teenagers, I was really strict when they were little but relaxed more as they grew up, perhaps I have been lucky but they drink a lot less than me and they haven't taken any drugs that I know of. Dh did a lot of drugs as a teen/at uni and they are aware of that so I don't think they would deny experimenting.
One is gay, and said that they'd never worried about telling us which was a huge compliment.
They are all coming home for Xmas, one with his GF as she can't get home for Xmas and it will be wonderful, far more magical and less stressful than when they were small.

TheDowagerCuntess I agree entirely with what you said about female friendships. I go to a girls' school and the friends I've made there are wonderful, supportive and I hope will be friends for life. This idea "teenage girls are always having dramas and fallouts with friends" annoys me no end, that's neither my experience nor that of the vast majority at my school, just one of those sexist views which are accepted widely as fact. A girl falls out with a friend and it's "typical girls", a boy does it and it's just a falling out.

Like you OP I was dreading the teen years. It's early days and I'm not counting my chickens yet but so far so good for DD1 - she is still my funny happy, chatty girl most of the time. We get the occasional strop or bad day but she snaps out of it pretty fast. I'm trying to see it as a journey and I'm here to help her navigate through.

It helps that she has an easygoing personality, good friends, no issues at school and is very involved in an activity outside school. Fingers crossed it will continue.

It makes me sad that teens are so demonised that parents actually dread their dc growing up and are scared of groups of teenagers out and about. Teenagers are still humans and most of them are quite nice!

I've got a 17 and 20 year old and I've enjoyed parenting teens more than any other age. They are excellent company, lovely people, very very funny and far higher achieving and more articulate than I was at their age (or am now). Their lives are exciting and full of new adventures and it's a privilege to be their safe 'launch pad' as they hurtle into the big wide world.

Of course it's a shock to parents when their precious 'baby' starts being interested in sex, drugs and rock n' roll and stops believing and doing everything their parents tell them. Of course there will be boundary testing and door slamming and parents and teens have to learn new ways of relating to each other. For me the most painful part has been letting go and realising that I can't control their lives any more but that's my problem, not theirs. Now I just have to trust that I've endowed them with enough common sense and humanity to be decent adults.

My DS was lovely as a teen. He still is (almost 19 yo)

I don't recall any thing worse than the odd little sulk. Only one drunken night that he needed rescuing from.

I, on the other hand, was a total cow as a teenager.

Sorry DM.

I know what you mean OP. I lost my dad when I was 12 and went off the rails as a teenager.

But my DS, who is 14, is the opposite of how I was. He is popular and funny, but caring and hardworking. He has a girlfriend, which is all very innocent and seems to mostly involve drinking hot chocolate in Starbucks together. He plays rugby and has a big crew of rugby mates. He plays piano. He is on the reading rota at Church and is loved by the little old ladies in the congregation, who mostly try to feed him cake. He has already decided that he wants to study Sports Science and Education at university as he wants to be PE teacher.

I couldn't ask for a better teenager, even though he has the odd moody moment!

I was also inspired by some of the incredible teachers my two had at their secondary schools. I loved the relaxed, affectionate and humorous relationships I witnessed at concerts, plays and in the sixth form. If those over-worked and stressed adults could find the good in a bunch of hormonal teens that they had no compulsion to love, then surely we should as their actual parents!

I'll take teens over toddlers any day. Apart from a wobbly patch at 16 when we moved away from his girlfriend, both my son and daughter were delightful as teens, as where most of their friends.

I try and block out the memories of my daughter as a baby/toddler!

Mines lovely!

I only see him for hmm 8 mins a day (school/room) but when I do it's fine

My 14 year old is fabulous, he has the o back chat and smart Alec moment but overall he's brilliant company and he's funny, interesting and engaging. He still likes spending time with us and he has a fantastic group of friends and works hard at school. I am dreading him turning but so far so good

Quite agree it's utter bollocks regarding boys/girls being harder it's completely down to personality and circumstances.

Remember once standing with my dds and dss and a woman commented that 'bet your boys are more loving'

Told her nope we love them all the same so we get it back the same.

octopus

Totally agree the teachers at my dds school are bloody wonderful. No idea how they seem to love and cherish them all but they do.

In awe to be honest.

DS1 and DD are 16 and nearly 15.

Both are quite shy but they each have a small group of nice friends. They are doing well at school. Neither have the remotest interest in piercings, tattoos or alcohol. DD not interested in boys at all, still thinks they are stupid. DS1 had a girlfriend for a while (so great to say he has had one) but not at the moment.

They are both quite lazy but that's my fault. They are helpful and kind and lovely with their little brother.

I have quite a lot to do with other teens and most of them are pretty nice - even the tough ones.

Example - when I went trick or treating with DS2 (9) we met two boys with quite scary masks on. DS2 flinched a bit and I said "don't worry, it's only a mask" - the two boys immediately took them off, obviously because they didn't want to scare him. They were 14/15. How sweet is that?

My teens are lovely. Within the last week:

• bought a sandwich just to give to a hungry looking homeless person
• took someone else's trolley back for them in the supermarket car park
• put the bins out on collection day
• asked me to choose a film to watch with them at home
• sent me several text messages, all of them nice

They are not angels by the way! But the good in people is always there if you look for it.

I've got two 17 year olds.

They're lovely (for the most part).No big issues. And we have loads of their friends around regularly and they're a nice bunch of kids too.

It's an absolute privilege to see them grow into adults .

This x 100

I agree entirely with what you said about female friendships. I go to a girls' school and the friends I've made there are wonderful, supportive and I hope will be friends for life. This idea "teenage girls are always having dramas and fallouts with friends" annoys me no end, that's neither my experience nor that of the vast majority at my school, just one of those sexist views which are accepted widely as fact

I went to a girls school and have some wonderful friends from there, still, 35yrs later. Both my dds go to / went to a (different) girls school, and they and all their friends are lovely. No drama, No bitching. Don't believe this myth that is what all teen girls are like. Simply not true.

BackforGood exactly. Lovely to hear of the friends you made at your school and that your daughters have had/are having similar experiences to me at mine. It really gets to me when I keep reading this myth when I know how brilliant the friends I've made at school and how supportive an environment being educated around so many great girls is.

Absolutely - DM went to a girls' boarding school and loved it (made me want to go!). Stayed in touch with those friends for life. After school, she trained as a nurse (another all-female environment), and again stayed in touch with that big group of friends until the end of her days.

That was my model of female friendships, and it's also been my experience - I see it all around me with other women too.

I hate the pervasive myth that female friendships/environments are fraught and destructive. It's absolutely no more true than all-male situations.

DS 17 is wonderful he goes to college has a part time job, he volunteered taking old ladies shopping once a week they absolutely loved him

Had a few ups and downs with mine, but its not been too bad and they are boys. Ds1 pushed the boundaries a bit at 15, few problems, not that bothered about school, but we helped him and he did pass the exams and went to college. Working now. Seems happy enough an has a nice g/friend.
Ds2 is at uni, he has an arrogence about him sometimes. I remind him of his roots and bring him down to earth. ( only a normal uni) He could be described as a bit of a 'snowflake', but being away from home is helping him to learn to survive and sort out things for himself. Neither are perfect, but neither am i! Its not easy but im sure you will be fine. Just try not too stress. Good luck.

My teens are lovely (most of the time!) a single Mum with 2 boys, 17 and 15. They have their moments obviously, but in the whole they're great. They really make me laugh and are loving and affectionate. Neither is particularly academic, but they work hard at the things they enjoy. I don't push them too much and pretty laid back. I do think if you have too many rules, there's more for them to rebel against!
I'm sure you'll be fine OP, you sound like a lovely Mum!

okay - my eldest teen is hard work I will admit - she's had some mental health wobbles and her PMT is off the scale

But she's also smart, funny, compassionate, good company and still loves a cuddle on the sly

second one has her mega strops but on the whole is also lovely and smart and nice to be with

it's not all happy happy joy joy but it's pretty good fun most of the time

It's unlikely that it will all be smooth sailing, but I would describe my two DDs as lovely - they are almost 14 and almost 16. They've had their tough times - DD1 has struggled with anxiety and some minor self-harm, has had some professional input. DD2 has synaesthesia which makes life a bit overwhelming at times. They both have moods at times.

But they have lovely friends, they are blossoming and developing new interests, they are engaged in politics, current affairs and feminism and are creative souls who do very well at school. I love them both to bits. I love hanging out with them - went to ComicCon with them over half term and it was fab. I wouldn't be without them, exactly as they are. Their experiences have made me a better parent and a better person.

It is nice to read such positive and encouraging things about young people. It's sad that they are all demonised and stereotyped as lazy, grumpy, moody and rude. Perhaps instead of being negative and critical people should take time to praise the good things teens do........like the grumpy lady with the shopping bags on the bus who had a right go at my poor teen DD when she politely offered her a seat. A simple 'thanks for offering but I'll stand' would suffice rather than a rant about DD calling her old