To be extremely hurt by my mother or am i just being entitled?

[HedgehogHedgehog]

My dad rings me and says as his mum has just died hes inherited quite a bit of money. He and his brother would like to help me and my husband and baby, buy a house.

This is amazing, i never expected that id be able to own my own home, theres no way me and my partner could afford a deposit around here.

We start looking at places.

It then transpires that my uncle has backed out of the arrangement due to my mothers reaction.
Apparently when my father was on the phone discussing it with his brother, my mother went mental at the concept saying 'how dare he imply what financial assistance they should give their own child' etc etc and that they werent going to do it.

This is one of a string of things that she has done.

She also convinced my other grandma to write me completely out of her will when she said that she was going to leave me a few thousand.

For info i am an only child and the only grandchild of both of these grandmothers. Im not some sort of tearaway, im married with a child.

Its not that i ever expected to get any of this money, i know im not entitled to it and its up to them what they do with it. Its just the principle of the matter.

They have just sold their second home to build a swimming pool in their first (they live in the south of France). My mother is talking about paying several thousand for a facelift.

AIBU to be quite hurt by this? Id been looking at little houses and getting quite excited about having somewhere permanent to live for my son. I dont want him to have the same upbringing as me, we moved over 17 times and it had a bad effect on me. I know i must sound spoilt to have expected that they would help me, its just that they said they would and now are not and that is very dissappointing.

I dont really understand it because if i had that kind of money i would certainly help my child put a deposit on a house. It seems like kind of a personal insult.

So as not to drip feed the total they inherited was over two hundred grand.

I guess im annoyed at myself that i got my hopes up about this, i should have seen it coming. Other people have to struggle to save for deposits and i have no real hope of ever saving for one. It was a bit of a fairy tale that i shouldnt have believed in.

realise they are just very damaged perhaps quite selfish people but they are my parents and probably do love me in their own way sorry op I have no advice to offer but I would be heartbroken if I was in your shoes. You sound like a wonderful person.

Thanks guys you have all been very supportive and helped me express how i feel even if i havent been able to do it in real life! At least ill always know now not to feel guilty for feeling hurt and let down. Youve all been a lot of help i love this place! x

Mrs
My heart goes out to you. Having had the experience of a DM who sounds similar please put some mental distance away from her. You have done the rationalising. I did a corny thing many years ago - I read a book about divorcing your parent and did it. You don’t even need to tell the parent. It worked for me. If you have to see your ex occasionally maybe for Christmas bear with it but know that you have a better life ahead, whether in rented or owned, you have a home, you are a good person and can raise your own child with values with a partner who loves you.

yes arriva you are totally right! I had achieved that somewhat in the last five years (after having been very low contact from 16 until 23) and thats why it was so sad when this happened and i had got emotionally drawn back in. It felt like i did when i was a child, being treated very unfairly then gaslighted about my reactions. The only thing im proud of here is that i only reacted internally and kept my outward response totally neutral so as not to be drawn in more.
They will always present the story with them as the heros and me as the moody child. Theres nothing i can do about that as confronting them obviously just gives them more of the moody child narrative.
The best thing i can do is not respond at all and just focus on my son who enjoys their company and having grandparents (he is never left with them unsupervised for long periods of time dont worry)

I should have listened to my husband who did initially tell me to be wary of their offer and not get my hopes up... he totally called it.

Hopefully this is my last lesson to remind me to keep my emotional distance!

It sounds like you have a great partner. You know this will never be the last of the shenanigans. But you are strong. I worked out my mother had a mental illness which made things easier - maybe do a bit of research. It isn’t you, it is her. Just a thought. Maybe be wary of too much involvement with your son. Remember protect him from what you have had to deal with. All the best.

The three of them all sound awful. .

Actually, it's exactly the sort of thing my mother would do. Her reasoning would be that she is entitled to the money, and the next generation should wait for their share. So here she is, going on 94, with retired children and struggling grandchildren, sitting on the family trust money, with absolutely no need for it herself. It is money that has come down from the 19th cent trust, not hers exclusively.

MrsB, so sorry, I didn't read anything other than the first page, and immediately recognised "the type". I really wish you well, and just hope something works out very soon. x

As hard as it is I think you did the right thing, not biting when you were obviously being gas lighted, although do your Mother & Father know that you are struggling as you are financially?
It's hard because not everyone has that fairytale relationship with their parents, it can be really tough and I do honestly empathise.
Even though times are difficult you have your DC & DP. You can be happy without having the finer things in life. I hope where you are currently living is stable so there isn't the constant moving around from house to house.
Out of principle with the way you say your parents are, I wouldn't want the money, as I'm sure if your Mum is anything like mine you'll be made to feel indebted some how. If your Dad can't say look here's some money don't tell your Mum, then she must be a very controlling person.
Have you ever thought he could be the victim of domestic abuse so his tip toes round your Mum in fear of her going off the deep end. It just highlights a bit in that email that your Mum, more or less controls the situation with your uncle. So is it easier for him to say have the pool, have the face lift?
Just food for thought really as domestic abuse happens both ways. He must be really scared of your Mum if he's not willing to even secretly give you the money. She doesn't need to know if you live in a rented or bought house.
It must be hard for your Dad with it being one of your Grandmothers wishes for you to have help to get on the property ladder.
If they don't know you are struggling, I would think about maybe sending an email to your Dad saying, I'm really sorry but we're really struggling. We're the kind of family that has to buy the cheapest food because we struggle to get by.
It's hard knowing that you're living like you do, getting the pool, Mum having a face lift off Grandmothers money, when one week to the next it is such a struggle.
That money wouldn't have solely secured our futures buying a house, but in other ways too. Whilst I'm not entitled, it's taken a lot of courage to tell you how much we're struggling. Not only would it have been security for you as a couple, but you as a family.
That way you are not saying look I'm annoyed, you're saying that help was a sigh of relief given that things are so hard.
Emailing means you can plan what you want to say in advance. It also means that your Mum isn't listening in. Although she may be made aware of the email, unless you say to your Dad that you don't want your Mum to know, as you were made aware over Christmas how she judges those who have to rely on the basics.
It's just an idea, I just wanted to mention possible abuse as I'm sure your Mum is steering this, or even stirring it, not your Dad.
It's a shame, it's what some of us have to live with. But I'm sure you have so much experience of the negatives, your DC is going to have an amazing life, because they have a Mum who would never treat them in the same manner.
Wishing you all the best

The only thing im proud of here is that i only reacted internally and kept my outward response totally neutral so as not to be drawn in more.
They will always present the story with them as the heros and me as the moody child

OP, I have a slightly different view to yours, as I think it would be better to call your parents on their nastiness instead of being 'totally neutral'. I think as long as you stay calm, it would be better to tell them how much their behaviour has hurt you. Even if they don't change, you would know that you got it off your chest, and that can be liberating.

And finally, please don't sacrifice your own feelings in order for your DC to have relationship eith your parents. Your DC will be happy as long as you are happy. If that means NC with your parents then that's what you do. How do your parents show you love?

Is all this cut and dried, OP, or is there any way you can speak to your uncle privately and put your case? It seems like you would have nothing to lose by at least trying.

I do wish you would talk to you with your uncle and father about the true impact this is going to have on you. And your mother too. If they made that comment about Aldi it shows that they are so out of touch. They didn't know what by you closed the our eyes and assumed it was not deep hurt and despair.

I think that it would do them some good to face some home truths.