To be extremely hurt by my mother or am i just being entitled?

[HedgehogHedgehog]

My dad rings me and says as his mum has just died hes inherited quite a bit of money. He and his brother would like to help me and my husband and baby, buy a house.

This is amazing, i never expected that id be able to own my own home, theres no way me and my partner could afford a deposit around here.

We start looking at places.

It then transpires that my uncle has backed out of the arrangement due to my mothers reaction.
Apparently when my father was on the phone discussing it with his brother, my mother went mental at the concept saying 'how dare he imply what financial assistance they should give their own child' etc etc and that they werent going to do it.

This is one of a string of things that she has done.

She also convinced my other grandma to write me completely out of her will when she said that she was going to leave me a few thousand.

For info i am an only child and the only grandchild of both of these grandmothers. Im not some sort of tearaway, im married with a child.

Its not that i ever expected to get any of this money, i know im not entitled to it and its up to them what they do with it. Its just the principle of the matter.

They have just sold their second home to build a swimming pool in their first (they live in the south of France). My mother is talking about paying several thousand for a facelift.

AIBU to be quite hurt by this? Id been looking at little houses and getting quite excited about having somewhere permanent to live for my son. I dont want him to have the same upbringing as me, we moved over 17 times and it had a bad effect on me. I know i must sound spoilt to have expected that they would help me, its just that they said they would and now are not and that is very dissappointing.

I dont really understand it because if i had that kind of money i would certainly help my child put a deposit on a house. It seems like kind of a personal insult.

So as not to drip feed the total they inherited was over two hundred grand.

I guess im annoyed at myself that i got my hopes up about this, i should have seen it coming. Other people have to struggle to save for deposits and i have no real hope of ever saving for one. It was a bit of a fairy tale that i shouldnt have believed in.

I would contact your uncle just to reassure him you don't hold him responsible for the mess and will continue to have a relationship with him.

Your mother sounds appalling though and your father under her thumb.

I think you just need to let it go for the sake of your son. I guess it would do no good to fall out with them in the long run, by which I mean you may inherit from your parents in time.

I really wouldn't be having them visit now.

'Dear Mum and Dad, I am deeply hurt that you decided your own dislike of Uncle X was more important than the need of your own daughter and grandchild for secure and stable housing. It's not a good idea for you to visit right now as I need to think seriously about our ongoing relationship.'

Then, to break the ice and open the possibility of your uncle relenting-

'Dear Uncle, I was sorry to hear that my mother was so unpleasant to you. I completely respect your decision regarding the money and I hope this nasty situation won't impact on our relationship.'

Why won't your dad still give you some money even if his brother has dropped out?

Your mum is a bitch. It seems like she doesn't want you having the money because she wants it for her own extravagant lifestyle. I cannot get my head around her attitude. I'd love to be able to help my children out with stuff like this and I'd never pursuade a relative to cut them out of their Will! Really disgraceful behaviour. Seems like everyone puss foots around your mum for fear of her so she can continue to do exactly what she wants. People like this thrive on that sort of reaction from people.

Yanbu at all. I agree with sending the letter SilverDragonfly suggests upthread. Certainly, don't let them visit right now, you will be feeling too raw from this blow. Distancing yourself from your family sounds like the best thing for your mental health.

incredibly hurtful. i'd be gutted too.

as for their visit... how long are they coming for and when? if it's just a couple of days i'd let them come. maybe there will be an opportunity to discuss it. if for a long time i think it will be too much of a strain and i'd try putting them off.

both your parents are really, really odd. I'd be gutted and I would be telling DF that I couldn't stand to see DM for a while. He should've stood up to her, and the fact he can't even tell her that she's the reason your uncle pulled out is beyond words. Actually I think the pair of them are appalling. They've disadvantaged their own grand child and got your hopes up.

i agree with silverdragonfly's advice too. I'm sorry you've got such a shower for parents.

Ach - what a horrible situation. Sorry you're having to deal with this. You're not entitled - I would be disappointed too, if my hopes had been raised in that way.

I don't know if this helps, but one way to feel better about this might be to console yourself with the fact that you are not indebted to anyone. If your mother had gone ahead reluctantly, she might have held this over you for years to come, using it to control and expecting you to be forever in her debt. At least this way, things are less complicated.

It might be worth a Christmas card to your uncle, though - just letting him know that there are no hard feelings on your part, and that you appreciated him thinking of you.

Well I think you have been treated cruelly. To dangle such a thing in front of your eyes, only to snatch it away again was abysmal. I don't blame you for feeling hurt and dejected over this at all.

I also agree with Silverdragonfly's advice, although I would also mention to your uncle that you were disappointed too.

For me, I think it's totally unreasonable of your father to tell you not to tell your mum till after Xmas. I wonder if uour father is telling you the whole story here.

I can see how if your uncle was going to give you money your parents may have been shamed into doing the same thing, even if they hadn't wished to, and I can also see why your mother would be pissed if your uncle basically told them they should, which is the implication here.

I wouldn't like my brother in law deciding when I should help my adult child financially either. That would be my call and not his. Your uncles offer seems to have strings, which is he'd do it if they would and now he's pulled out. Nice. I imagine your mother will be furious when she finds out that he's now done that. I would be.

The only innocent person in this is you. And no you shouldn't have been dragged in and once the offer is made it should be then followed through. End of.

However I'm not convinced your mother is the evil party here or fully to blame, I think both uour uncle and uour father have their parts to play too and your mothers being made the scape goat. Possibly the same thing happened over your grandmothers will.

I'd look deeper into this and think about the roles they've all played.

I don't know, maybe a bit of both. The whole post is a bit 'poor me'

This big got me:-
Quote:- ''She also convinced my other grandma to write me completely out of her will when she said that she was going to leave me a few thousand.''
It is impossible to control someone like that. The choice was grandmas - NOT your mothers

Why do you feel they SHOULD pass on a huge lump sum to you? Maybe they want to enjoy some treats themselves - they funded your life all the way through childhood - and now it seems you would prefer they continued funding you and your child, well into your adulthood.

Don't you feel you have had enough from your parents, already?

The money was left to them, not you. Let them enjoy their elder years without financial obligation to you.

What I mean is you talk about your mother like she has super powers, according to you, she has forced your uncle and your grandmother to not hand over money

Either she is a bona fide Witch with mind control powers, or these people are making their own choices. Hmm

I've found from past experience that when it comes to family and inheritance, it really brings out the worst in people. Can you not sit your mum down and have a very truthful and frank conversation with her, explain how you feel see what she says?

rubbish MrsSnootch it's incredibly easy to emotionally and financially manipulate vulnerable old people, how many scams to get pensioners' money have been busted? Bluntness it's possible the uncle feels ops' parents should do more and was trying to force their hand, although I do agree that at least both of op's parents are acting shabbily. Getting someone's hopes of a better life up and dashing them on a whim is very cruel.

Sorry your mum sounds like a right bitch, I would call her out on it and ask her what she is playing at.

Why do you feel they SHOULD pass on a huge lump sum to you? Maybe they want to enjoy some treats themselves - they funded your life all the way through childhood - and now it seems you would prefer they continued funding you and your child, well into your adulthood

I don't think the OP is saying that her parents/uncle should pass on a huge lump sum from their inheritance. Just that she is upset now that the offer of money has been withdrawn. I don't think she's unreasonable to feel hugely disappointed by this, it's pretty cruel to make the offer only to pull it away again, especially when the money would make a big difference to her.

I agree, about being offered and then removing the offer being cruel

But I don't get how an adult (the mum) can force other family members to turn against OP - or what she has to gain from doing so?

OP does ask peoples opinions though so I gave mine

I do think as someone above said, families and inheritance bring out the worst

Sorry if someone's mention this before, but would it be an idea to get in touch with your uncle and thank him for his kind thoughts on your behalf - it may be that he will have second thoughts and realise that it would make him happy to help you and sod your mother .... worth a try because obviously he and your dad want this for you and why should you lose out because she has upset him - so very unfair

regardless of the ins and outs of this offer or your grandmother's will it is a cruel thing to do to your own child and I suspect is just in a long line of other things they have done to you.

You continue a relationship you say out of love but how true is that? You are too scared to feel disappointed or angry with them or demonstrate these feeling, you won't allow yourself to hold them accountable for bad behaviour. This is not love but fear.

I doubt they love your DC either and no doubt will treat them just as badly when the time comes. Are you prepared to allow this to happen just as your mother allowed you to be emotionally abused by your grandmother?

It's a cruel thing to do so no wonder you feel hurt and disappointed.

But I would think that any sort of 'gift' from your parents would come with lots of strings attached, to control you in some way. So in a way you are better off without any money from them at all. It would probably be held over you forever and used to get you to do all sorts of favours/bend to their will about many things forever and a day into the future.

I wouldn't be surprised if they insisted on you caring for them in their old age in return for some inheritance money....then not leaving it to you in their wills. That sort of keep you dangling for help in order that they can get something out of you behaviour.

Sadly, you cannot help your mum free herself from her behaviour issues. All you can do is distance yourself from them, stop feeling the guilt, fear and obligation that they don't give back to you. You are not oversensitive. They have acted cruelly and you are feeling the pain of that. Your response is to be anything a lot less reactive than someone who is not used to being treated this way would react.

Have a look for the 'we took you to stately homes' thread all about parents like your mum - you'll find loads of similar stories on there and lots of advice about how to 'handle' her in the future.

Bluntness100 - I couldn't agree more and was so grateful that you posted as you put is so much better then I could! I totally agree with you
HedgeHog - you have my sympathies no matter who had the greater hand in it the situation is really horrible situation

This all sounds horrible for you. You do not sound entitled.

The only thing I can think of is that your dad likes to be seen by you as nice and kind, but he is clueless about money and feckless- whereas your mother is in charge of all the money and knows they cannot afford what he proposed.

If not something like that though, it almost sounds as though she dislikes you and is very money grasping.

I just don't understand how people can happily live a life of luxury when their kids are struggling. DH and I have done alright for ourselves, we are in our fifties and already planning to downsize at sixty to help out our four kids (eldest will be 30 then).