To be extremely hurt by my mother or am i just being entitled?

[HedgehogHedgehog]

My dad rings me and says as his mum has just died hes inherited quite a bit of money. He and his brother would like to help me and my husband and baby, buy a house.

This is amazing, i never expected that id be able to own my own home, theres no way me and my partner could afford a deposit around here.

We start looking at places.

It then transpires that my uncle has backed out of the arrangement due to my mothers reaction.
Apparently when my father was on the phone discussing it with his brother, my mother went mental at the concept saying 'how dare he imply what financial assistance they should give their own child' etc etc and that they werent going to do it.

This is one of a string of things that she has done.

She also convinced my other grandma to write me completely out of her will when she said that she was going to leave me a few thousand.

For info i am an only child and the only grandchild of both of these grandmothers. Im not some sort of tearaway, im married with a child.

Its not that i ever expected to get any of this money, i know im not entitled to it and its up to them what they do with it. Its just the principle of the matter.

They have just sold their second home to build a swimming pool in their first (they live in the south of France). My mother is talking about paying several thousand for a facelift.

AIBU to be quite hurt by this? Id been looking at little houses and getting quite excited about having somewhere permanent to live for my son. I dont want him to have the same upbringing as me, we moved over 17 times and it had a bad effect on me. I know i must sound spoilt to have expected that they would help me, its just that they said they would and now are not and that is very dissappointing.

I dont really understand it because if i had that kind of money i would certainly help my child put a deposit on a house. It seems like kind of a personal insult.

So as not to drip feed the total they inherited was over two hundred grand.

I guess im annoyed at myself that i got my hopes up about this, i should have seen it coming. Other people have to struggle to save for deposits and i have no real hope of ever saving for one. It was a bit of a fairy tale that i shouldnt have believed in.

wow what a cow! Why would she do that?

To not give someone money is fine and absolutely the choice of the person with the money. The say you're going to and then change your mind is really off. They should make sure before they tell you and build up your hopes.

It is absolutely none of your Mum's business what your Dad wants to do with money he inherited- she gets no say. If he wants to tell her and ask advice then OK. But it's his money and his brother's money. Up to them individually what they do with it.

So as far as your mother is concerned, the money is still being given to you and your father wants you to wait til after Christmas before letting her know this isn't the case? So if she brings it up you have to lie do you and pretend it's still happening? What your mother did wasn't great, but the flouncing by your uncle and father is just as bad. And your mother is unaware that her behaviour has prompted your uncle, and then your dad, to withdraw the offer? I wouldn't be keeping this quiet. I would definitely tell your mother what has happened.

Both those men have no balls. To change their minds just because your m throws a tantrum? Sounds like your dad is afraid of her, afraid what she'll do and say when she finds out how it's turned out and that you are no longer getting this gift. Tell her. She might be able to get them to change their minds back again with another tantrum all that power she seems to have. Hopefully she'll be just as angry he's withdrawn the offer as she was that he made it in the first place. Just shrug and tell her he's changed his mind, you're not sure why...but so sad you can't get house deposit together now...oh well...then stand well back while she Rottweilers them!

You're not being unreasonable at all and you are entirely justified in feeling totally let down by the situation.

Would it be possible to speak to them all about it, pointing out you'd really still like to own your own home.

Perhaps show them some properties that you've found and how much a deposit you'd need - or would your mother put a stop to that?
She sounds quite toxic to be honest.

If your parents own their own home in France and you're the only child you will inherit it one day (in France you can't -well it's extremely difficult to -disinherit your children).

Just reading this, I feel gutted for you.

I would talk to your DF about how hurt you feel. And does he understand what he's done.

I would talk to your uncle if you feel that you could.

I would tell your mother that she will never see her GS again. Fuck her.

Oh, you poor thing. This sounds like a load of very selfish, childish people who are so involved in their own egos and drama than they are no longer able to show empathy or kindness. It's not just your mum, but your father and uncle as well. I think it's appalling to raise someone's hopes of assistance and then dash them like this.

I can only think that the lot of them are so wealthy and privileged that they have forgotten what it's like to be living precariously. I think this does happen to some people. It seems like you are less a person to them than a unit to be manipulated and thrown around. I have parents who also struggle to see me as a person in a similar way, and it's very hurtful - it's often not the lack of practical assistance, but the lack of emotional love, care and engagement that it implies, that is really painful.

Sending you

How can they love your DS when she is happy to leave his DM in financial straits whilst she builds a !!++ Swimming pool.

You are seriously deludedOP,
Don't excuse her behaviour by blaming her DM when you describe your self as having had mental health issues as if it was your personal failing. Having a selfish and cruel DM no doubt affected your mental well being.
Your DS will be a favourite DGS as long as he toes the line like his DM. If he ever stands up to his horrid DGPs he will get dropped Immediately. I hope that happens sooner as there are better influences he could have in his life...

All three of them need a huge kick up the arse, they've behaved like children and your uncle is using his issues with your mother to deprive you and your husband and son of a home of your own.

I feel really bad for you OP, I'd seriously consider cutting contact with your parents it's so incredibly hurtful to offer you an opportunity like this then collectively take it away.

Like others have said I truly hope to be in the position one day to be able to help my son out with owning a house. I'd choose that over a facelift

Are you sure that what you've been told about your uncle is true?

You mother sounds like a complete bitch, you have my sympathy.

you're right, it's up to them what they do with their money/inheritence! so that means it's nothing to do with your mother! if your dad and uncle want to help you then that's between them. not your mum.

sorry op,

i know if i was lucky enough to give my kids a deposit on a house or anything i would do it in a split second.

xx

So your Dad and his brother wanted to jointly give you a deposit out of your grandparents estate and your mum stopped them?
That is terrible behaviour by both your parents.

I cant believe I have read further up this page - that a poster is planning to downsize house to give cash to their children, the youngest being 30!!! If someone needs to sell their house to raise funds they want for their kids - they clearly CANNOT AFFORD to be so generous

So much is wrong with this

1- Why are people not expecting their GROWN UP kids to work and achieve anything for themselves? This is massively enabling a co dependant relationship.

2 - Why are people putting themselves at risk of having no retirement fund, on the actual brink of retirement. This poster talks of downsizing when they get to their 60s. You will be poor and elderly...but your kids will be living in houses whilst you cant afford to have the heating on

What a crazy world we live in

Generation snowflake are really guilting their parents into financially funding them forever. Like well into middle age themselves, and beyond. People are having to put of retirement or not retire at all due to their enabling relationships

Your kids stop being kids when they reach 21. Whilst we do like to help them, literally doing everything and sacrificing your own financial security in order to give them the easy life, is somewhat of a joke

Mrssnootch you are horrible. Down sizing doesn't mean living in poverty. Maybe they live in a 4 or 5 bed house and they don't need it any more. So really they need a 1 or 2 bedroom. Actually it is very smart as it is more like their kids get some inher item centre early without paying the inheritance tax. A lit of families do things like this or sign the house over to a child of their so they don't lose the money to the government. Down sizing doesn't mean living in poverty and doesn't make their kids snow flakes. They just want to help them when they can and I think that's lovely. My mum couldn't do that even if she wanted and that's fine too. Don't beat people down for wanting to help their kids.

Is the point not that the money was offered, unasked for, then withdrawn that has upset the OP? Rather than her being a so-called snowflake? Jesus.

Bloody predictive text is on. But you can see what I am saying.

A lot of people downsize when their kids grow up and leave home, MrsS, as they no longer need (or want) all that space. It doesn't mean they'll leave themselves penniless. My parents helped my sister and I out, but they still have plenty left. Helping people isn't the same as spoiling them. Some people simply enjoy giving to others and have the means to do so. And just because you receive some help towards buying a house doesn't mean you live a special snowflake life of luxury for ever after. We're not talking about gifting a mansion here - maybe just a little help towards a deposit to get a foot on the property ladder.

Exactly hmmmum glad I'm not the only one who thinks this.

If I were you I'd contact your Uncle and just say that you are sorry your RUDE Mother has upset him & that you understand why he feels he no feels he wants to do this...

...just to be sure that he has indeed pulled out. It would not surprise me one bit if this is actually something your father has engineered, but blaming your Uncle.

Hi sorry its taken me ages to get back to you all, i didnt realise there were so many replies to this!

Ive name changed because of the identifying info which i guess is not so bad if people put together but still!!

I know what happened because i persuaded my father to send me the email my uncle sent him. This is it:

Hi 'DF',

Regarding the suggestion about 'HedgehogHedgehog' - Unfortunately 'DF' after talking to you at the funeral when you convinced us that they didn’t need the money, and also that they will be pretty well off once we all eventually pass away, we have now decided to use that money for something else.

It’s important to say that this was not finally decided until 'DM's' appalling outburst on the phone on hearing of our suggestion. It was clear from that point that our money or help would not be welcome. A great shame, as what would be by most people’s standards, a reasonably generous and nice gesture was thrown back in our faces.

'DM' continuous attempts to drive a huge wedge between us has its consequences. We feel VERY sad and angry about her contempt and her repeated insulting behaviour but it seems there is nothing that we can do about it. Even the suggestion to all sit down for a family meal at Mum’s funeral was rejected outright, despite that this would have been Mum’s dearest wish. Mum always wanted us (you and I) especially to stay friends and be close, and I too very much want that, but we find it harder and harder to ignore 'DM's unforgivable actions and insults. We understand you must love her despite her insulting behaviour but that doesn’t mean we have to accept it or ignore it.

Of course we still hope HedgehogHedgehog family can get their first foot on the property ladder but sadly on this occasion it will now have to be without our financial help, as 'DM' wanted.

All the best,
Uncle

So it does look a bit like everyone was more concerned about working thru their own petty grievences with each other than they were in helping me and my family.
My dad will not be giving me any money without the input from my uncle, it seems my uncle was under the impression he would be and so we would still be buying.

To be honest im very tired of this situation.
My parents did come for Christmas and i found it hard to say nothing. I was very visibly depressed for the first few days and slept a lot. Not on purpose but just out of not really knowing what to do.
At one point they were in the sitting room and it transpired my dad had told my mum about the situation and she started trying to say to me what a bastard my uncle was and that shed saved me from being endebtted to him. I dunno what i felt but it wasnt good so i shut my eyes to block it out and she said 'oh we are boring her!'

At another point we drove past an Aldi and she started on about how sad it was that some people had to shop there and could i imagine that some people had to buy unbranded low quality items just to save a few pence?.... again i just shut my eyes.

Thanks to you all for listening to my rant about this.
In the long run theres not much to be done. They live in a different country and its not like im exposed to them that often.
It hurts me to dislike their behaviour for some reason, i get just as depressed trying to dislike them as i do from their behaviour.
I was initially hurt by the whole situation as i took it as a sign that they did not love me .

Having had a while to process it i realise they are just very damaged perhaps quite selfish people but they are my parents and probably do love me in their own way. I dont want their money i just wanted them to have thought about my feelings and the impact on me. I realise now though that maybe thats asking too much of them. To live a happy life i reckon youve just got to see the best in what you have and they do take an interest in my son and i do love them and often enjoy their company.
So im just going to let it go because it will achieve nothing to take a stand about it.

I did send a christmas card to my uncle but have not mentioned the subject again with him. Im not sure weather or not he knows that i ever knew he was involved?

Sounds like your mother is sucking all the joy out of your life. However close she is to your DC I think for your own mental health and wellbeing you should distance yourself from her.
I put up with my mother's crap for years then finally had enough and went NC. No regrets except for wishing she'd been a nicer mum like my friends had.

Wishing you well, MrsBlenner. You sound a lovely soul and it's good that you have had time to process this. You are stronger than you know. It takes great strength to have the compassion you have shown and also to rise above grievences when pitted against your DM's behaviour. It must have been a very hurtful experience. If you ever have the opportunity to be open and tell your uncle then do try to as it will clear the air. I hope that one outcome is that you can live your life by your own rules while retaining some relationship with your parents as this is clearly important to you. As you say, they do love you - but humans can be complicated, messed up and infuriating. You are generous spirited in the face of their shoddy behaviour but do try to sometimes put your own needs first. Depression is sometimes anger turned inwards rather than being able to express it outwards directly to the person who inspired it. Thankfully it sounds like your DS will benefit from the fact that you seem to have developed more positive characteristics and a more nurturing parenting style than your own parents are sometimes able to demonstrate.