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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be extremely hurt by my mother or am i just being entitled?

112 replies

HedgehogHedgehog · 27/11/2016 22:28

My dad rings me and says as his mum has just died hes inherited quite a bit of money. He and his brother would like to help me and my husband and baby, buy a house.

This is amazing, i never expected that id be able to own my own home, theres no way me and my partner could afford a deposit around here.

We start looking at places.

It then transpires that my uncle has backed out of the arrangement due to my mothers reaction.
Apparently when my father was on the phone discussing it with his brother, my mother went mental at the concept saying 'how dare he imply what financial assistance they should give their own child' etc etc and that they werent going to do it.

This is one of a string of things that she has done.

She also convinced my other grandma to write me completely out of her will when she said that she was going to leave me a few thousand.

For info i am an only child and the only grandchild of both of these grandmothers. Im not some sort of tearaway, im married with a child.

Its not that i ever expected to get any of this money, i know im not entitled to it and its up to them what they do with it. Its just the principle of the matter.

They have just sold their second home to build a swimming pool in their first (they live in the south of France). My mother is talking about paying several thousand for a facelift.

AIBU to be quite hurt by this? Id been looking at little houses and getting quite excited about having somewhere permanent to live for my son. I dont want him to have the same upbringing as me, we moved over 17 times and it had a bad effect on me. I know i must sound spoilt to have expected that they would help me, its just that they said they would and now are not and that is very dissappointing.

I dont really understand it because if i had that kind of money i would certainly help my child put a deposit on a house. It seems like kind of a personal insult.

So as not to drip feed the total they inherited was over two hundred grand.

I guess im annoyed at myself that i got my hopes up about this, i should have seen it coming. Other people have to struggle to save for deposits and i have no real hope of ever saving for one. It was a bit of a fairy tale that i shouldnt have believed in.

OP posts:
JellyBelli · 27/11/2016 22:59

YANBU, and you're not being entitled either. The situation sounds awful Flowers

Nanny0gg · 27/11/2016 22:59

My father hasnt actually told my mother that my uncle has backed out for fear of her reaction. He asked me not to tell her until after christmas.

You tell her? Why hasn't he told her?

Original poster
HedgehogHedgehog · 27/11/2016 23:02

the thing is i just cant bring myself to bring it up with my uncle. Its not his fault and he was being very generous, im not going to ring him and try and speak to him about it would make me feel awful.

My dad wont give the money unless my uncle matches it because wed need a large deposit in order to secure a mortgage as my partner is nearly 50 and i am not currently working. (stopped when my baby was born so we could move closer to new place that my husband wanted to work)
So we would need maybe 50 grand in total, which they would have split between them but my dad will not pay himself.

I think he thinks giving us less would not achieve anything as we would still not get a mortgage.
I mean thats what i think but deep down i also think that he just doesnt really want to at all and was only doing it out of shame that my uncle was going to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HedgehogHedgehog · 27/11/2016 23:05

He hasnt told her i assume because hes worried about her reaction and that she will blame his brother (she doesnt react very well to feeling bad about herself and often will get very angry with other people)

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 27/11/2016 23:08

Your mum is a complete cow.

Helloitsme87 · 27/11/2016 23:10

Why did she convince your grandma to write you out of her will?!

2kids2dogsnosense · 27/11/2016 23:11

I think YABVeryU.

Your mother obviously needs this money today for lifts for all fifty of her faces!

Hedgehog - she is a £@%@*&£$%@$^% horrible mother. As you say - it would have been better if your father hadn't mentioned the scheme at all.

Although 50K is a lot of money, as a proportion of their wealth it doesn't seem to be much at all, and most parents would be more than delighted to be able to help their children and grandchildren. Im so sorry that you have been hit with this disappointment.

Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 23:12

Your mum sounds like she knows that she isnt a very nice person and hates that other people know it too.

She also sounds like she doesnt like you very much. Dont hold out any hope of any inheritance from your parents either.

:(

Wookiecookies · 27/11/2016 23:14

Well, (and sorry if this sounds cold) but lets hope that one day your mum isnt the last one standing and needing someone (you) to wipe her aged arse. Perhaps treating you so horribly wont feel like such a good idea then.

Chipscheesentomatosauce · 27/11/2016 23:18

How horrible. What parent doesn't want to help out their child? What a selfish, manipulative woman. And you sound so nice and unassuming, OP. Despite your mother.

Benedikte2 · 27/11/2016 23:19

Hedgehog, if it were me I'd be so disappointed I'd be in pieces. It doesn't make sense any way you look at it but I've been reading lately about mothers with narcissistic personalities and this looks like the sort of thing these mothers do . Because she is the centre of her world she needs to control the people in her life -- can't put herself in your shoes and brings everything back to how she feels. Generally the father isn't permitted to have much of a say in the children's lives. Probably haven't explained that well but google it. There are books about the problems daughters of these mothers have . I've had several friends in this position and no matter how hard they try to please their mothers they are made to feel they aren't good enough or are in the wrong if there is an argument.
I do so hope they might all have a change of heart. Seems you are a great mother yourself putting the welfare and happiness of your DS first.
Good luck

ilovelamp82 · 27/11/2016 23:21

You don't sound entitled. Your Mum sounds horrible.. I can't imagine not helping my kids set up home if I had the opportunity. It's pretty much all I've thought about since they were born. I'd have trouble being around her after this.

It's not the money. It's your mother taking away something that could make your life better that she has the capacity to do and chooses not to. I would feel beyond hurt.

missymayhemsmum · 27/11/2016 23:22

Don't feel bad about this op, your mother is being really unreasonable, which it sounds as though she has form for from the way everyone is pussyfooting around her.

YWNBU to expect that since your parents are well off and you are the only grandchild that some of the inheritance from your Grandmothers would come your way to provide a home for your son. That's what most families do. Thank your uncle for having the generous thought, even though you understand that your parents have now made the whole thing too difficult.

There's no reason why you should spend Christmas with your mother pretending everything is fine, either. You are absolutely entitled to be furious with her.

Original poster
HedgehogHedgehog · 27/11/2016 23:23

She may well be but i didnt want to have to come face to face with that reality because i was doing a good job of pretending she wasnt! She can be very sweet but also volatile. I love her and i just want us all to get on but its so difficult when she does stuff like this. Being angry at her and expressing that to her just makes it worse makes her behaviour worse. It also makes me feel shit about myself. I just wish this hadnt happened right before they were coming to visit. Or at all actually lol!!!

Her mother was crazy. Fully crazy devoutly catholic, banged on about the devil all the time. Seriously emotionally abused me and i assume my mother too when she was young. I think she took it as some kind of insult against her that my gran would leave me anything. My gran did used to try and convince each of us that the other hated us... so i can sort of see where that reaction came from. Again though i would have expected her seeing the benefit to me to maybe overide that.

OP posts:
Original poster
HedgehogHedgehog · 27/11/2016 23:30

I know she probably does have a personality disorder that has never been treated. I had mental health problems too in my teens. I cant hate her. I know what her mother did to me and can only assume what she did to her. Shes just never had any help and so never been able to change. Its a defence mechanism over the way she was treated. I cant fault my dad for loving her or standing by her either.
I just wish this hadnt happend as its made me come face to face with these things which i thought id been able to stop thinking about.
I hope it doesnt make me tense over christmas because theres no point.

Its good to hear that this would upset most people though because sometimes its hard to gauge. My mum does have a habit of making me feel like im incredibly oversensitive and maudlin.

OP posts:
Helloitsme87 · 27/11/2016 23:36

Ahhh makes more sense. Sorry for you OP. You're not being entitled at all. I would always try and help my children whenever I could (as long as they didn't take the piss)
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Your mother sounds emotionally unstable and your father sounds like a selfish, wet blanket

Zoflorabore · 27/11/2016 23:53

I feel your pain op but at a slightly lower level!

My Dm inherited over £60,000 from my late grandmother who I did absolutely everything for, my gm always said that I would be looked after when she passed but unfortunately she passed away suddenly and had no will.
My Dm acknowledged my gm's wishes and gave me... £250.

I bought a headboard.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, karma will bite your mother on the arse Grin

Benedikte2 · 28/11/2016 22:31

Hedgehog, have you had any counselling as an adult? It seems from what you say that you are repressing the very natural feelings most would have in your position and that is a common cause of depression. You sound very sweet and caring and I'm not saying you shouldn't love your parents but doesn't mean you have to excuse their behaviour. It's a matter of being able to deal with your emotions in a healthy so they don't cause you problems in the future.
I hate the way money affects people and wish we didn't need it but it seems the wealthy are even more obsessed than those who need it most.

EZA15 · 28/11/2016 23:43

Your mum sounds like mine - hard work! It's a horrid situation op. I don't know if I've missed it but have you phoned uncle to say 'thank upu' regardless - only because that was an amazing thing to suggest and it seems he knows you've been shortchanged in the parent department?

Rattusn · 28/11/2016 23:53

It sounds like a very sad situation here for all concerned. Your mum must be very unhappy herself to treat you like this.

It sounds like there is very little you can do. I wouldn't advocate cutting your father out of your life, unless there are other issues.

With regards to buying a place, can you go back to work to increase your household income (and also the amount you could borrow)? Perhaps you could then approach your father for the smaller amount he was willing to lend. Are you able to save at all for a deposit? If you are not able to save at all, you may find it difficult to afford mortgage repayments.

EZA15 · 29/11/2016 10:59

I disagree Rattusn. Mortgage payments can actually be cheaper than rent. I live in quite a decent area and my mortgage payments are £200 cheaper than what I was paying for a smaller rental property

Rattusn · 29/11/2016 11:07

Eza that's great for you, but it isn't always the case. It depends on a few variables: area, size of deposit, credit rating which will effect the mortgage interest rate.

Bogeyface · 29/11/2016 11:12

Mortgage payments can actually be cheaper than rent

Its certainly the case where I live. I couldnt afford to rent where I live and most people I know are in the same situation. My friend recently moved to a house with twice the number of bedrooms, much bigger garden and in a much nicer area and is paying £200 a month less than she was on rent.

Its one of the pissers that many people who rent have to deal with, a bank wont give them a mortgage based on affordability checks despite them spending years paying much more on rent and never missing a payment!

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 11:13

What a strange situation. Your uncle backed out because your mum objected, then your DF backed out too rather than just giving you half? Confused

I am not surprised you are upset. Are you sure this is the whole story?

BarbarianMum · 29/11/2016 11:35

I think some counselling may really help you defend yourself against these people (your father is just as bad as your mother btw). You need to keep them a million miles away from yourself/your child - who cares if they love him, they sound deeply toxic and you sound like you've had a lifetime's training in absorbing their poison. Don't make that his legacy too.