Fallen out with DH, I think he might be right

[stormsandwaves]

One of my ways of coping if I get really stressed or overwhelmed is to strike myself across the face. It just makes me feel calmer and then I can deal with the situation objectively.

DH has told me I have got to stop it but the problem is, I'm not generally calm enough to agree with him at this point.

So AIBU to ask people, what their coping strategies are when you feel you're about to lose it?

My DD used to do this a lot when she was in the grip of anorexia. She is in recovery now and hardly ever does it but when she does I know it is a warning sign that she is not coping well mentally and needs help.

It is a form of self harm, the fact that you have done it for ages and it's part of who you are doesn't make it ok any more than self harm by cutting or substance abuse or starvation is ok. Please follow some of the self help advice given here and if that doesn't work please, please rethink getting some sort of counselling to help you get over this.

I cannot stress this enough. IT IS NOT OK to do this. Please get help.

This could have started because you witnessed someone else hitting themselves, maybe when you were too young to remember it consciously. If one of your children starts hitting herself or himself, how will you try to help them ? Will you just let them get on with it because it's a way of coping ?

Have you checked out EFT/tapping, OP? I've read a lot of positive things about it myself.

I don't know. It's not something I do a lot, it's very easy to compartmentalise.

I get it OP, I also understand why you don't want to see anyone. I'm not a big fan of counsellors or doctors either.

In your OP, you asked for coping strategies so here is mine. I have three small DC and struggle with organisation so I often feel stressed or overwhelmed. What I do usually if I am feeling that is to remove myself from the room where the situation is happening and I take deep breaths and count to 10. It's funny because that seems like nothing much to do, but it really helps and often I can come back and solve the problem that provoked the stress in the first plac

If you don't want to try the elastic band, pinching yourself really hard can be done discreetly too and gives a proper sting. On the inside of the forearm for instance. Or digging your nails into the palm of your hand. Found both of these helped me as ways to stop cutting myself. Squeezing an icecube works for some people too.

Thank you, ISay, thank you so much.

What do you do if your children follow you? I find this happens.

If my children follow me, I just carry on with the deep breaths. I might need to do more than 10 in that case. It's the deep breathing that I find is the key. Just breathing in and out. Because you can do that with small children clinging to you.

But I do get the desire for a short sharp shock to snap you out of the increasing spiral. The problem is that you can't break it, you have to work with it and the breaths help you slide along it and stop it increasing.

I am not perfect by any means, but this is how I manage it.

Also, remember that you are allowed to have emotions and feelings. You are allowed to feel angry, sad, or stressed despite what people would have you believe. I honestly think people are no longer permitted to have negative emotions without being made to feel there is something wrong with them.

Nothing wrong with the emotions, it's just how you deal with them that is important. FWIW, this thread has helped me think out more coping strategies for myself so thanks for starting it OP.

No, thank you, you've made me feel much better.

I'm glad

Electric?

How do you mean?

Embo, I think autocorrect changed that from 'elastic'.

Stormsandwaves what on earth makes you an 'unfit mother'? Has someone said that having an mh problem makes you so? It's not true.

OP, have you tried acupuncture? I know how ridiculous it sounds (instead of slapping herself in midst of panic goes off to acupuncturist) but my GP did a HUGE amount of work in a women's prison with self harming women and discovered that one of the many reasons they self harm is because it releases endorphins and encephalins to combat the pain and make them feel better. She did work where she did acupuncture on their hands right into the muscle that triggers a very powerful release of these endorphins and encephalins to stop the self harm cycle. What she then did was tape a little vicaria seed on top of where the needle had been removed and every time the patient felt the need to self harm they press down on the seed and it reactivated.
Obviously I am not saying you are self harming but it sounds like a similar pattern you are getting yourself into and it's getting more frequent.
I think you need to look at getting some CBT help and if you can - acupuncture - it may just help!

I do what yello suggested with the elastic band. I have a habit of self harm and while I've given up the worst, the elastic band or hair tie around my wrist is just the little bit that I need for some control. It also help me think.

But your DH is right and you should seek some help. Even the elastic band in the wrist isn't that good.

I cut and burnt myself to deal with stress for ten years i know this has much less of an impact than that but i certainly understand the impulse to hurt yourself in order to calm your emotions.
I stopped when i reached adulthood. It was gradual and mostly thru being a bit kinder with myself and accepting that my emotions may run haywire from time to time and giving myself permission to express that in other ways.
It was also about accepting that i may sometimes cut myself and to not make that a huge drama and end up hating myself for it.

When i was pregnant the hormones caused me to experience some of the mood swings i had had as a child again and i did end up cutting myself.
My husband was incredibly supportive. He just told me that if that was what i needed to do, then he wasnt going to be angry at me about it.

I cant tell you how much that helped me, just his relaxed attitude towards it made me so much more relaxed. That there was no drama or conflict about it and he still loved me and was there for me. I havent done it since then.

Obviously you find dealing with stress very difficult. I think you should point out to your partner that him adding extra stress to that by being angry is only likely to make things worse.

The best thing he could do for you is try to remain completely calm or if its upsetting him then just walk away from you.

This is difficult for both of you. I dont think PPs are helping by calling you selfish. Just try and speak to your partner about how you both feel.

Probably worth looking into DBT rather than CBT. DBT will teach you a variety of skills for tolerating distress and regulating your emotions. Honestly I would rather you went to a professional but if you don't want to you can buy DBT self help books on Amazon (the specialist is Marsha Linnehan - the technique books are pretty easy to read)