Fallen out with DH, I think he might be right

[stormsandwaves]

One of my ways of coping if I get really stressed or overwhelmed is to strike myself across the face. It just makes me feel calmer and then I can deal with the situation objectively.

DH has told me I have got to stop it but the problem is, I'm not generally calm enough to agree with him at this point.

So AIBU to ask people, what their coping strategies are when you feel you're about to lose it?

But I'm not self harming. Anyway ... Does anyone have any strategies

No, I meant they know the drill. They won't judge you. They do this all the time! It's the stuff they give you and the people they refer you to who can help

Yes. The only reasonable strategy there is to give - seek help.

Well, maybe but any other ideas would be good as well :)

I'm sorry you've come across a counsellor or doctor who seemed bored, but I can promise you that's extremely unusual. My sister found a counsellor extremely helpful when she self-harmed.

What you're doing is a type of self-harm, isn't it? You're using pain to help you cope. But the point is that if counselling helps for self harm it's very likely to help in other similar situations.

Sorry if that was flippant OP. I truly think that slapping your own face sounds awful for you. And I seriously wouldn't slap someone else's face in a temper. But,I went through a phase in my thirties,after a stressful divorce and a serious illness when I felt that the whole world was against me,when I thumped doors when I lost my temper (better than than hitting a person) and I ended up hurting my hand really badly. But it didn't stop me for very long. Eventually,I went to an anger management therapist,and she suggested the 'hairband on the wrist' technique,which I had to ping hard several times when I felt the urge to punch a door. Amazingly,it DID help. This all happened quite a few years ago and thankfully I've not relapsed. I am at a loss what to suggest to you after reading your responses to other posters. I hope you find something to help you. for you.

OP how old are your DC? There is a possibility if school age they could disclose your behaviour at school and despite your desire not to have any professional involved they may investigate i.e. social services and any control of the situation would be taken away from you.

Would it not be preferable to be the one seeking professional help on your terms rather than it being seen as a child protection issue

Well that's exactly it, i don't really want it recording that I'm an unfit mother! Thanks, Janey, it's good to know it is helpful.

I'm sorry you've had a few comments that lacked empathy, I think people find self-harm hard to understand if they've never felt the need to do it. Have you tried any of the mindfulness self-help books or CDs? Like someone else up thread, I'm also an ex-self harmer (cutting) and once I stopped I moved on to banging my head on walls when I was really stressed. Although I was also having psychotherapy I found that on a daily basis it is mindfulness that helped the most to get me to stop this because once you've practised it regularly it lets you notice when your thoughts and feelings are spiralling towards a self-harm situation so that you can get back in control before that happens. It's a long process though and I personally needed external help but the self help audio CD "mindfulness for beginners' by Jon Kabat-Zinn and the book "the mindful way through depression" (not just for depression) are good places to start.

If you won't seek help for yourself, will you not do it for your children and partner??

Try to think of it as helping them not just about you?

I think you're more likely to be investigated as unfit if the kids tell someone at school, and your records show that you've made no attempt to sort it.

Going to the doctor would be a bit like taking out an insurance policy on that.

It won't help them Waggy. I am not condoning it at all but it's just me - it's just something that happens, that I do, that makes me feel better.

I don't think you're a bitch AT ALL :) and I hope I don't sound like I'm being difficult! I just really can't see a doctor or anybody about this.

My DH used to do this too. Think it started when he was younger but it's truly scary. Thing is I'm pretty certain he would never turn it outwards towards me or anything - he's a really gentle sort - but would do this whenever he was angry at himself. It freaked me out and I would beg him to stop. Finally got him to stop once I got pregnant with our first because I think it was like a line for him that our kid should never see him do this. He didn't see a GP or get any counselling but I'll ask him exactly what worked - I think deep breathing when he was actually getting worked up - and drawing some kind of mental line to say never again. I'll be back to post once I talk to him but just wanted to say it is possible to stop and change this, as frustrating as I think feels in the moment for you.

It won't help them Waggy. I am not condoning it at all but it's just me - it's just something that happens, that I do, that makes me feel better.

You are totally underestimating the effect that this has on your children. It isn't just something that happens. They are witnessing their mother self-harm. That is horrendous for them; it doesn't matter how much you try to rationalise it - and your reluctance to seek help for this will be far more concerning to anyone who finds out.

You getting help will help them; hopefully it'll reduce incidences of them witnessing this but even if it doesn't, it means the right professionals will be aware of what they are witnessing and be able to support them through it so it's less likely to damage them.

If you had any control over this you wouldn't be doing it in front of your children or in public. its not something you'll be able to easily stop and it's not something that should be normalised for your children.

Well he is clearly right to object to this - he cares about you and cannot cope with this. Listen to him and to some of the good helpful suggestions on here.

My ex used to do this and it was awful to watch. All it made me do was want to walk away from him. I hope you can find another way to cope

Storms, you are right to say that having alternative strategies will help. People on here apparently may not understand that you do not suddenly feel cross, lose control and hit yourself. I expect irritation/anxiety slowly build up, you try to manage, then 'pop'- you can't. In those early stages of it building up, a snap from a band may well help break the cycle.

As you are not going to access medical support, what about mindfulness classes or apps? Yoga, Pilates, meditation- any kind of relaxation therapy will help you recognise your emotions building up and give you strategies to self calm which are better than hurting yourself.

Hope you feel better soon, Storms.

It might be worth reading some of the resources about personality disorders, particularly what they identify as cluster B, as they can be related to experiencing strong emotions and struggling to control them. People used to think that they weren't treatable, but that has changed in recent years. Research indicates that personality disorders tend to have both genetic and environmental components. I should just say that I have no medical or psychological training but I have come across this through work.

Some people lose control of themselves by getting angry or crying, if you started hitting yourself when you were 12 or 13 then it was probably a reaction to not being able to deal with things in other ways but now the behaviour is conditioned. Our rational thought and our emotional bits of our brains aren't very well connected, so it's hard to stop something that's emotional by trying to think your way out of it in the heat of the moment, you need longer term solutions.

I agree with posters above who have suggested being more aware of your feelings and mindfulness. What can you do to stop yourself before you get to the stage of feeling that you want to self harm (you may not identify it as this, but this is effectively what it is)? Can you name your feelings, either to yourself or someone else. I try to say "I'm getting angry" before I actually get angry (or frustrated or upset). I sometimes go somewhere else and swear and stamp! Is doing something else physical before you get to that stage possible? Do you or can you write a journal to help you with your feelings?

You need some sort of emotional management support - you might be able to do a course online without going to see someone. There's a thing called dialectical behavioural therapy for things like this, it might be worth reading about that, I understand that this also has elements of mindfulness in it. It's probably a few stage process rather than being able to stop it immediately, because you have to change both how you feel and how you behave.

It's tough, you are feeling bad that you are doing this in the first place, then you have to cope with how other people feel about it. It's good that you are asking for help and want to change

You're being selfish. Very selfish.

What you do is impacting on your children, your husband and the general public. I'd be less than impressed if you did this on front of other people's children when you are not accessing the help that is out there. People with additional needs sometimes do things like this and those around them try to help them find alternatives, but it takes time (or can't be altered), so things like this happen. However, YOU have a choice about it happening and it's unforgiveable that you REFUSE to seek help to stop it.

If you could stop it yourself you surely would have before now.

Stop saying 'It's just me, it's what I do'. You aren't a child, you're an adult. Take responsibility for the impact you are having on others, especially your children.

The more you take an action like that, the more it gets reinforced. You are encoding violence as a reaction into your mind every time you do that. The same would be true of punching pillows and so on, even though these things are better than hurting someone else.

So you need to pause, step back and try something else, as another poster said, something that 'puts sense into you' in another way, like mindfulness. Drop your idea of 'knock some sense into [you]'. Don't even say it to yourself!