About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

Out of interest, I hear that the new Royal in Liverpool will have all single, ensuite rooms throughout. shock I wonder how on earth they will manage to observe and supervise the patients adquately?

I suspect they will simply do the same as already happens in every other civilised country in the world where shared wards/bathrooms have not been acceptable for decades! (I have lived in two such countries - it's really not rocket science...)

Not sure which hospitals these are where you can just lay for an upgrade but it's hard enough getting a private room here when you warrant it. Mom upstream whose baby died but was on ward with parents with babies should have been given her own room. Mom upstream whose baby was in ICU and was on ward with other women with babies should have been given own room. I only got moved to own room after hysterics at photo husband sent me of my baby in ICU but spent 4 hours in a small ward with moms with babies... if hospitals struggle to get adequate staff they sure as hell can't build some extra private rooms on a whim

I must say that I didn't see anyone behaving badly, but some of these stories are appalling. However, if you hear your DH bellowing about someone else's child or calling the staff for his own amusement or needs, TELL. HIM. NOT. TO. BE. SUCH. A. MASSIVE. COCK.

Erm, I'm not sure the onus should be on women who've just given birth to manage their partners' behaviour.

I was very glad to have DP around and did not find the other men around a problem. They were rather more focused on their partners and children than on me.

hyacinth - no, it shouldn't be necessary. and the real time to think about them being a massive cock was before you got pregnant in the first place... but if your partner is annoying someone else, surely it's for the greater good that you have to say something rather than that s/he carries on doing it!

Also if DP hadn't stayed, not sure they'd have lent me a HCA to push me up and down to NICU whenever I needed it and if they HAD it would have taken one off the ward. You can't one size it in the NHS all you can try and do is meet people's needs and make them aware so they can make choices

Yello I am with you, we need more staff on post natal wards. Having men around just is not the answer for a million reasons.
I'm sure men would not be happy discussing their willies with random women through the curtain.

Everybody should have the level of care that Ionacat received. Maybe what we need is a national minimum staffing level policy.

*Sabistick

So jealousy basically. Wtf!*

That was directed at the poster who hatred that whilst she was shuffling along in agony, others has partners to get them food and tend to them.

Understandable jealousy, but jealousy nonetheless.

But for those of you who have no one to help out, how does Otman make it worse for you that others have someone there?

I know it's a long thread, but people have answered this very question multiple times now...

Here's a short list, though:

• Some men will be verbally abused or threatening
• Some men will leer and perve
• Some men will be so loud it's hard to rest around them
• Some men will monopolise staff time and attention
• Even the loveliest and most supportive of men will take up space - in already-packed bays, in use of toilets and showers

People get stuck on how lovely it would be to have their Norman there, because he's kind and supportive and wouldn't hurt a fly, and don't really think about the bigger picture. (Plus, even if your Norman is the loveliest man alive, I don't want him sitting eight inches away on the other side of a curtain when I'm discussing my vagina with a midwife.)

53rdandBird - I totally agree. BUT I'd still rather that than have a tiny brand new hours old baby needing help that its mother can't give. It's the lesser of two (should be outdated and unnecessary) evils to me.

So let's campaign for a change in policy to have adequate staffing, not for a change in policy to allow partners.

hyacinth - no, it shouldn't be necessary. and the real time to think about them being a massive cock was before you got pregnant in the first place... but if your partner is annoying someone else, surely it's for the greater good that you have to say something rather than that s/he carries on doing it!

The greater good would be not expecting someone who might not even be able to sit up straight, might be a few hours post surgery and still high on morphine, to take responsibility for another person's behaviour.

Because a small minority of those male visitors could present a danger to women.

Because having male visitors 24/7 takes away women's privacy.

So let's campaign for a change in policy to have adequate staffing, not for a change in policy to allow partners

Exactly!

Gosh that would be perfect if they let your DH stay. Helping to lift baby no mean feet when you've just had c section, helping get things, changing nappies etc

That's fine, hyacinth - you let your partner be a cunt, then. Just don't be surprised when someone else decks him/her! Personally, even when I was sky high on morphine and then in a lot of pain, I would still have told DP to STFU if I had seen him being rude to someone else.

Can I just say as well that I don't give a shit how lovely your dh/dp is, I'm pleased for you both of course, but I really don't want to spend 24hrs a day with him when I've just had a baby.
I know most men are lovely and not perverts, but I'm a woman and I need privacy from men when I'm vulnerable and wearing nightwear etc, perhaps with my wee going into a bag next to me. I need not to have men around at all times during the immediate post-natal period. That's normal, isn't it??

Post natal care should be better. It would not be acceptable on other medical wards for patients to be left for hours without obs, pain relief, a drink etc. It's even more important on post natal as everyone on there needs to be as strong as they can be to look after their babies. Post natal is a medical ward these days as everyone who doesn't have medical need is discharged asap.

I must've been lucky as when I buzzed someone came to help with ds after emcs. I was missed out of pain relief and dr rounds during the day but at night the care was alright. Dh was much better looked after after abdominal surgery on a medical ward though. Maybe post natal shouldn't be midwife led. And it certainly shouldn't rely on people having a willing and able partner to get them through it.

I see those points, but I still think that the value of having someone there to support you when there isn't enough staff makes up for this. Also for the people who have no one there, as I said, it will free up resources for staff to care for those with no partners or other support present.

The postnatal care will not improve for as long as people keep voting in conservative governments who privatise NHS into a shadow of its former self (because of
Course a private company cares only about profit and not about patients, how
People can't see that his beyond me). So campaign all you want,
It's a novel cause but pretty much a loosing battle. So for now I can't see anything other but let partners help out. I find this paranoia about men being a danger to other women and
Leering/ being noisy completely out of
Proportion with my real
Life experiences.
Has anyone really had these kinds of
Problems?

Has anyone really had these kinds of Problems?

Yes. Many of us. Read the rest of the thread.

The tories aren't helping AT ALL, but it was the labour government who started the sneaky sell-off. Not one politician has actually dealt with the key issues of the NHS in any speech or policy that I've ever seen. Yet every single voter would probably have it as one of their top 3 most important issues, if not the top one.

Someone I met at a baby group had had two children many years earlier when she was in her teens. Her boyfriend (father of those children) at the time was abusive. After the birth of the second she confided in one of the staff at the hospital what was happening to her. It was the first step in her getting out of that relationship. She was only able to confide in them because he wasn't there. Yes, this is extreme, but if not having men there 24 hours a day allows even one woman to tell somebody so she can change her life, it's worth it.

There are a lot of generalisations on this thread. Generalisations such as men only wanting to look at their partners and nobody else, men not being monsters etc etc. So allow me to make one of my own. Those saying that men shouldn't be allowed 24 hours seem to have the best interests of all women at heart and want a safe place for all women and overall better care. Those wanting their partners there seem to be just wanting what is best for them and their situation and screw everybody else. Generalisations yes, and there are exceptions, yes. But there are also exceptions to the men aren't pervs/monsters/abusers argument that some have been making. Women (and their babies) need to be safe from those exceptions, the very few who are pervs/monsters/abusers. It's how a safe society works.

Maybe I should start saving now so that my daughter and potential future partners of my sons can have babies in private hospitals should they wish to have children. But the time they're old enough I dread to think what postnatal care will be like, given the decline in quality over the last 30 years.

My husband was sent home when I was induced in the late evening for my last pregnancy. The frankly rude Midwife was convinced I was going to be there for days as my cervix was 'Rock solid'. So I laboured alone, at night, in the dark on a ward where I couldn't see the clock to time my contractions and where I couldn't reach the buzzer. Luckily a lovely midwife who I knew from the community team was on the ward that night and believed me when I said I was having my baby sooner rather than later, but there was no room in the delivery suite so I stayed in the ward until 20 mins before I delivered! My husband only just got there. I'm being induced again in a few weeks and have made sure that he can stay. Not all situations/hospitals/ staff are the same. Saying that- there should be a quiet time where everyone has to keep the noise down - but I disagree that partners should leave at this time. If the OP had to wait 30 mins for a drink or had wet the bed because there was not a midwife to hand the baby to and she couldn't get out of bed unaided - she may understand why you would want someone with you. Obviously they have impressively staffed wards where she lives.

hotstepper, couldn't the same outcome be achieved by ensuring that midwives speak to women alone during their hospital stay though? Is the only way to ensure a woman can speak to a midwife in confidence to prevent all partners from being present? I agree this is important but it seems a bit like using the proverbial sledgehammer to crack a nut.