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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop helping with this school run?

29 replies

NorthStarGrassman · 27/11/2016 08:16

I have been doing the school run with my friend's ds (let's call him Bob) since September. Bob's younger sibling was very poorly over the summer, lots of trips to hospital and my friend was understandably very stressed, so I offered the school run to give them one less thing to worry about and was happy to do so.

However, it's now getting close to the Christmas holidays and there has been no mention of stopping this arrangement or asking whether i'm happy to continue. Things are a lot more settled for my friend, there is still the odd appointment but the sibling is much better. Her dp is around a lot and they manage to get Bob's middle sibling to preschool and back every day. Frankly, I want to stop. It's a mild inconvenience to me in that it takes a bit of time to pick up and drop off Bob but the main problem is that Bob and my younger dc (who are the same age) keep ganging up on my older dc. Nothing major but I am constantly having to police them and it's exhausting. Plus I feel sorry for older dc who is getting very fed up.

AIBU to say I can't carry on after Christmas? I feel really bad about it as I know my friend has been through a tough time and she is always thanking me so I don't feel like it's not appreciated. Can't decide if I am being really mean or my friend is being a bit unreasonable.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 27/11/2016 08:22

You're not being mean. And you can let them have till Christmas still. Just say 'I'll need to hand the school run back to you in January' and see how she responds.

RaeSkywalker · 27/11/2016 08:23

What Buttery said.

Note3 · 27/11/2016 08:25

Ditto to buttery

Chottie · 27/11/2016 08:26

x Three to Buttery, a perfect response :)

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 27/11/2016 08:27

Yanbu, you have helped and it has been well received - you can't do it forever though.

hufflepuffin · 27/11/2016 08:32

"I'm so glad is better these days. I'm so happy I could help by taking bob to school while things were tough but now things are a bit more settled I'd like to stop from the start of next term. We still love bob and are happy to help out occasionally if you have an appointment for ."

BigGreenOlives · 27/11/2016 08:40

What Buttery said.

vdbfamily · 27/11/2016 08:53

Could you suggest sharing the responsibility so you do not always have to do it. Or maybe say you are happy to help out in an ongoing way with any difficult days/appointments etc but can't do it daily anymore

Wdigin2this · 27/11/2016 09:05

Just say, I'm so glad things are more settled for you now, and you'll be able to take back Bob's school run. But just to make it a bit easier I'll continue doing it up to Christmas, and I'll leave it to you after that!

Kayakinggirl · 27/11/2016 09:15

Last year (while a friend was pregnant) started to do her school run 2 days a week.
Come this September. I decided I could not do it any more. I was honest and told her I was finding it to stressful (having to leave work earlier than I would like drive across town ect) I was open and honest with her. She completely got it and was more than happy for me to give up on her school run.
Just be honest!

Bluetrews25 · 27/11/2016 09:17

You've been very thoughtful, OP, and Buttery's response is great.
But why do you need to keep going until Xmas? It's her own child, surely she can take over again tomorrow?! Why the period of notice like when leaving a job?
Can you not say you are so busy in the run-up to the festivities that you don't have time for this any more?

ZbZb · 27/11/2016 10:09

There really is no need to agnst over things like this. I would just say as simply as you can that you don't want to do it anymore. It's a bit cheeky of them to assume you would carry on.

ZbZb · 27/11/2016 10:11

I agree that you don't need to give notice. It's a busy time and the kids are tired. You could phone today and let them know.

BeingATinselTwatItsABingThing · 27/11/2016 10:20

"Oh I'm so glad Bob's sibling is better. You'll be pleased because you'll be able to take Bob to school again now."

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/11/2016 10:37

What Buttery said.

I did this a few years ago for a neighbour, not for the same reason though, it was meant to be for a week whilst her DH was away, it got to the stage where weeks later she'd stand poised at the window looking for coming out my front door with DCs then would send her DC running after me. Confused

Give until Christmas and just say what buttery said to say.

RachelRagged · 27/11/2016 10:39

YANBU OP

I think you sound very kind and, really , don't need to pick up the other child but still willing too until after Christmas . . That's nice of you and I don't see how anyone can object to your stopping the school run really.

MigsSlippers · 27/11/2016 10:43

Should be fine, YANBU.

You don't need to craft the words too carefully, but you could pitch it as are you ok to start taking bob to school now - I'm happy to help out but they are all getting tired and fractious now so it's not working so well. Or we could just carry on til Christmas if you need me to

BirdInTheRoom · 27/11/2016 10:46

I had a friend help me out with the school run for a few weeks when I was having a difficult time - as soon as it was over I immediately told my friend I would be taking my DC to school again. I never wanted her to resent what she was doing for me or for it to carry on any longer than necessary, and I also gave her a gift to thank her afterwards.

I think your friend is being unreasonable here and she knows it - she shouldn't be waiting for you to say you can't do it anymore, and should be offering to start taking her own child to school again!

expatinscotland · 27/11/2016 10:49

What Buttery said. You don't need to apologise or compromise, either. The fact that they're ganging up on your other DC would be it for me. No more doing it. Hand it back.

AskBasil · 27/11/2016 10:59

I wouldn't give her notice. Just tell her the kids aren't getting on and they need a break from each other (and you need them to have a break from each other), so can she please start doing it herself. And obviously you'll be happy to help as and when there are emergencies, appointments etc.

LolaTheDarkDestroyer · 27/11/2016 11:11

Do what you want. But you can't blame bob for bullying your older child when your own child is a bully too.

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 27/11/2016 12:41

Fair point Lola but I suspect that her own child does not do it much without the back up of a child who need not actually be there in the first place.

BeingATinselTwatItsABingThing · 27/11/2016 13:13

Why are you not immediately stopping the bullying? That would not be acceptable for me. Not even once.

Starlight2345 · 27/11/2016 13:23

To be Fair OP did not saying bullying..Sometimes 3 is a really bad number..

You are not unreasonable to ask her to take over..

I would not wait till January..The kids get tired and hyped up never a great combination before Christmas...I would do the I am happy to help out if you have hospital appointments ( as it sounds like you are ) but tell her time has come to the end.

BeingATinselTwatItsABingThing · 27/11/2016 14:00

Ganging up on another child continually to the point where it is upsetting him is bullying I'm afraid. Even if it's a sibling.