Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to accompany DD to her follow up appointment?

56 replies

keepbreathinginandout · 26/11/2016 16:12

my DD (now 18) had major surgery earlier this year and seems to be making a full recovery. she is due to see her consultant first thing monday for a follow up appointment and some tests, possibly a minor procedure done under local anaesthetic.
The usual routine at the weekend is that she goes and stays at her Gf's on friday night and comes home late monday afternoon to prepare for college on tuesday morning.
i reminded her about the appointment and asked whether she will be home on sunday night instead but she said that her gf's mum is going to drop her off at the hospital on her way to work. so i asked her if she wanted me to meet her there. her Gf answered that i didn't need to worry, she would be accompanying my DD to the appointment.
but i'm worried that vital information might be missed and certain questions go unasked as neither of them have very good communications skills. i'm also a little bit hurt that she doesn't seem to want me there. am tempted to just turn up, but DD is 18, and legally an adult and i can't make her want me there..

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/11/2016 16:14

Could you give her the questions you would like answered, written down, and ask her to ask the consultant?

Sixisthemagicnumber · 26/11/2016 16:14

Well she's 18 and you can't hold her hand forever. She will probably be fine at communicating and taking in information if she has to do it for herself.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 26/11/2016 16:15

YABU. I know it's hard, but she's -
18 and doesn't need her mother to go to appointments with her.

Sirzy · 26/11/2016 16:16

She is 18. You have given her the option of you attending but ultimately it's her choice

Sparlklesilverglitter · 26/11/2016 16:18

At 18 I think if she doesn't want you too then as an adult that is her choice and you have to respect that.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 26/11/2016 16:22

At 18 no, I don't think you need to be going with her. My mother stopped attending medical things with me at around 13 and I will respect my DDs decisions regarding her health from a similar age. If she asks me to be there, fine, but if not, no matter how worried I will be in will respect her choice as a young adult/adult.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/11/2016 16:25

OP, with respect, the consultant is a professional. He/she will ensure that the right questions are answered (even if they aren't asked) and make sure that your daughter is in receipt of any vital information.

I understand your concern - and your hurt - but back off. Invite your daughter and GF to a takeaway night perhaps and maybe your daughter will give you information after a polite enquiry after her health.

DementedUnicorn · 26/11/2016 16:27

Please don't just turn up. That would be totally overstepping the mark.

kittybiscuits · 26/11/2016 16:29

That is just not realistic Lying. Consultants do not make sure all relevant questions are answered and they often don't make sure that information is fully understood. I would feel the same OP. I'm not sure there's much you can do about it though.

Original poster
keepbreathinginandout · 26/11/2016 16:30

i do respect her wishes, and with every other aspect of her life i do no hand holding, BUT i just worry that as the op affected her hearing (only slightly) that she may miss something important. tbh i also worry that she won't tell me when her next (exploratory) surgery is, as she has already said she doesn't want to have it done after bad reaction to GA. But she has no choice, if the condition re-occurs it could have far reaching consequences for her health.
I had to fight to get a referral for her in the first place and i suppose i want to support her through to the end if that makes sense?

OP posts:
EatTheCake · 26/11/2016 16:32

She is an adult and you have to respect that.

Please don't be that crazy embrassing mother and turn up!
You treat your DD like an adult respect her choice, after the appointment you ask her how it went and if she wishes she will tell you the details.

Original poster
keepbreathinginandout · 26/11/2016 16:33

to be clear i have no intention of turning up uninvited, just venting a bit.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 26/11/2016 16:33

You have to step back and respecter DD choice of not wanting you there I'm afraid.
Please don't be that mother that takes it upon herself to turn up to her adult DDs appointment, just don't do it

Marmighty · 26/11/2016 16:34

Can you tell her how much you would like to attend? Without suggesting she is not responsible but saying how much you care and want to support her?

mintthins · 26/11/2016 16:35

Are you worried that the Gf is acting as a gatekeeper? Can you possibly re-visit the conversation?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/11/2016 16:36

kittybiscuits, I disagree with you. Perhaps there are better consultants that I've had experience of? I accept that this could be the case but, OP's daughter is going to be accompanied so any questions that she misses, she can ask at a later time - or the GF can ask.

Regardless, it's OP's daughter's business and thankfully, OP doesn't seem the pushy sort of mum (like mine is, still, now I'm 47).

WeAllHaveWings · 26/11/2016 16:38

OP I would want to be there too, but she's telling you loud and clear she wants to do this herself.

Nothing you can do, if you don't respect her decision and just turn up she doesn't need to let you in and will stop communicating with you about this until it does become too much for her to handle.

TyrannosauraRegina · 26/11/2016 16:38

tbh i also worry that she won't tell me when her next (exploratory) surgery is, as she has already said she doesn't want to have it done after bad reaction to GA. But she has no choice, if the condition re-occurs it could have far reaching consequences for her health.

However much you think she should have further surgery, it is her choice and will not be done without her consent. Even if you force her to go to the hospital, the doctors will still not do surgery without her say-so. Talk to her, discuss your concerns but I worry if you come across too heavy-handed and dictating what she must do then she will shut you out.

Number4OnTheWay · 26/11/2016 16:39

Fwiw op, I think you should ask her if she wants you there, not let her gf answer for her. I wish my mum had cone to appointments with me when I was in my late teens. There was so much that went unasked and unanswered, things that expiearience teaches you to ask (things that they wouldn't necessarily tell you as they aren't important)
I wouldn't be keen on the fact her gf answered and I'd ask again when she wasn't around

Graphista · 26/11/2016 16:40

She DOES have a choice both in terms of testing/exploratory surgery and treatment. Whether you agree with that choice is irrelevant.

Yes it's hard yes it's worrying but you don't have the right to expect her to do what you want.

My daughters 15 almost 16 and had been going to her dr appointments with friends rather than me for last 6 months. She still discusses a lot with me and for some things I'm consulted with her permission by the medics but certainly at 18 that is no longer my business or responsibility.

littlemissneela · 26/11/2016 16:44

Sadly, it is all part of the growing up process. She might miss things, she might forget to ask certain things, but it will help her for next time when she has to go alone as she will be more likely to remember, and maybe take her GF with her to act as a second pair of ears.
I found it really difficult when mine started going in alone, and found it very hard not to say something when I was in the room when they were 16 as my opinion was no longer valid as it was their choice what they did according to their treatment.

Original poster
keepbreathinginandout · 26/11/2016 16:45

mintthins..gatekeeper? as in controlling her type thing?

lyingwitch.... thank you, i'm not pushy at all. i believe in her independence, it's just that this whole condition was overlooked by a number of GPs over a number of years and although the consultant is a brilliant surgeon, he isn't very forthcoming with info unless asked directly. most of the time DD will ask me in the car what the hell he was talking about, and i explain it to her..... this is the main reason i worry about her going without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
keepbreathinginandout · 26/11/2016 16:47

tyrannousaurus & graphista...was explained to us before the op that exploratory surgery will need to take place every 18 months to 2 years to make sure it doesn't come back, as it could potentially be fatal. this is not MY choice. its a medical necessity

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 26/11/2016 16:56

With sympathy and respect - if she has capacity, she is allowed to make a decision that is unwise. It is her body, ultimately.
I appreciate it is hard to take that step back and allow our DCs to make what we perceive as mistakes or poor decisions.
Maybe remind her how you have needed to 'translate' things for her previously.....

Starlight2345 · 26/11/2016 16:58

I can completely understand you wanting to be there op...At 18 we all thought we knew everything and thought we were invincible..

Sadly at 18 you can only encourage..I agree the takeaway small talk may be a way to get info.