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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to accompany DD to her follow up appointment?

56 replies

keepbreathinginandout · 26/11/2016 16:12

my DD (now 18) had major surgery earlier this year and seems to be making a full recovery. she is due to see her consultant first thing monday for a follow up appointment and some tests, possibly a minor procedure done under local anaesthetic.
The usual routine at the weekend is that she goes and stays at her Gf's on friday night and comes home late monday afternoon to prepare for college on tuesday morning.
i reminded her about the appointment and asked whether she will be home on sunday night instead but she said that her gf's mum is going to drop her off at the hospital on her way to work. so i asked her if she wanted me to meet her there. her Gf answered that i didn't need to worry, she would be accompanying my DD to the appointment.
but i'm worried that vital information might be missed and certain questions go unasked as neither of them have very good communications skills. i'm also a little bit hurt that she doesn't seem to want me there. am tempted to just turn up, but DD is 18, and legally an adult and i can't make her want me there..

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 26/11/2016 16:59

Have you actually said out loud "I would like to be there because I worry. Would that be ok? If not, I'm ok with that, but if you don't mind it would help me".

She is an adult as you have acknowledged.
So are you.
So speak to each other - say what you mean and mean what you say.

She will of course have to learn to manage her own condition as it seems this is going to be an ongoing thing. She'll have start at some point, won't she?

DixieWishbone · 26/11/2016 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlesallyracket · 26/11/2016 17:00

I would expect an 18 year old to be going to medical appointments on their own, and if they were getting a lift from a parent I wouldn't expect their parent to go into the consulting room with them for the appointment. I appreciate it's probably hard to let go, but she is an adult and there does come a time when you have to let her get on with things.

I think deep down you're maybe just a bit hurt that she doesn't need you so much any more and that her GF is there for her instead. I think it's totally normal for mums to feel like that when kids become independent and form their own adult relationships, but regardless of your concerns I think you need to accept that she wants to do this on her own (and has every right to).

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/11/2016 17:02

Pacific's suggestion might just work, keep, if it's put forward that it's for your own peace of mind, your daughter might be willing to let you attend the appointment. I also agree that it's a good idea to ask your daughter when she's on her own, away from other influences.

I really do sympathise. This mum lark isn't always the fun that it's cracked up to be!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 26/11/2016 17:05

I feel for you OP, it must be an awful situation for you.

I understand your anxiety about wanting to be there with your daughter in order to help her understand things (at 18 you are technically an adult of course but that doesn't mean you are suddenly endowed with a wealth of experience). Having a parent there for guidance/support is a good thing. Looking back I was hopelessly naive at 18.

This is not an easy situation for you to be in, and you acknowledge that she is an adult and that you can't decide for her. I think what you need right now is some understanding (I'm sure if people were actually in your shoes they would be a bit more sympathetic to your situation).

So no, YANBU to want to go with your daughter to her appointment. Not at all.

Graphista · 26/11/2016 17:05

Even if potentially life threatening STILL her choice.

You might want to look at this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2786819-How-do-I-convince-dd-28-she-needs-to-make-that-cervical-screening-appointment

No adult in the uk has to undertake testing or treatment without their consent regardless of the consequences.

kittybiscuits · 26/11/2016 17:06

Many people of all ages prefer someone to come with them and help ask questions/understand information given. Lots of people don't have basic medical knowledge and don't feel comfortable talking to a consultant. OP fully understands she has no rights here and will not try to impose on the situation. But simply because the OP's daughter has turned 18, it's ridiculous to think that she wouldn't be concerned or invested in her DD's life-threatening illness.

Graphista · 26/11/2016 17:07

'exploratory surgery will need to take place every 18 months to 2 years to make sure it doesn't come back, as it could potentially be fatal. this is not MY choice. its a medical necessity'

That's the OPINION of the medics involved and even they don't have the right to enforce testing procedures or treatment.

Tuktuktaker · 26/11/2016 17:07

Bollards to children magically turning into adults overnight from age 17 to age 18. And what Pacific said. Also, she might want you there but Gf has taken over and shut you out.

Graphista · 26/11/2016 17:11

Yes I get its very worrying and you care for your daughter and don't want her to be sick or suffer but ultimately it's her decision.

I'll also admit I'm wondering if there's other aspects to your relationship with your daughter influencing how you feel given she spends every weekend at gf's.

Gf could be acting as gatekeeper but equally could be acting as a buffer between the op and her daughter if the op is generally controlling or forceful or just doesn't listen to her daughters wants and needs.

FantasticButtocks · 26/11/2016 17:11

Talk to her, ask her if you can come too.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 26/11/2016 17:13

It's a tricky one Op . I'm in the middle of lots of appts to see a consultant . He asks me how things are going , I say ok and that's that. If I don't ask any further questions he certainly isn't forthcoming with any more info .

I agree with pp , just because they've turned 18 doesn't equip them with life experience to enable them to ask / do the right things .

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/11/2016 17:13

Have you explained your concerns to your dd, keepbreathing?

If you haven't then it would not be unreasonable of you to have that conversation with her - tell her the things you have said on here, that are worrying you. If you have, then you have to trust her.

I do appreciate how you are feeling - once a child turns 18, they are adults and can make their own decisions - but we don't stop worrying.

Original poster

keepbreathinginandout · 26/11/2016 17:14

littlesally... she has been brought up to be independent and has been with her gf for 2 years, stays there most weekends and they are talking about getting their own place in a few months time. So, no. i have absolutely no issues about "letting go"...
Pacific...the whole conversation about her appointment took place as she was leaving for the weekend, so it wasn't an in depth discussion, just an off the cuff reply as she left.

have decided i will text her tonight, with a couple of questions that need to be answered (questions that she has brought up since the surgery) and offering to pick her up if she has the minor procedure under LA, as she is usually quite uncomfortable afterwards.

OP posts:

Graphista · 26/11/2016 17:19

Of course they don't 'automatically' become adults on 18th birthday which is why most parents gradually prepare their children for dealing with various scenarios independently which it sounds like op has. Hopefully this is just op being naturally concerned about the child she loves and also a little hurt at being excluded/not needed.

frostyfingers · 26/11/2016 17:20

I really feel for you. My son who is 21 has had a major health scare this summer which is ongoing and I'm desperate to grill his consultant for all the details/outcomes/possibilities etc but son does not want me to. Son has given me information and I've been up to see him (he's 4 hours away) to try and reassure myself but I really want to hear the information directly from the consultant. It's very hard to take a step back but I've had to, I've looked out for him all his life and suddenly when something big turns up I feel I can't do anything - I can of course by supporting him and respecting his choices which is what I'm doing but deep down I'd still like to be more in the loop.

All you can do is offer your support and work with the information you're given, hard but the only choice. Good luck.

Original poster

keepbreathinginandout · 26/11/2016 17:22

Graphista...i am well aware of the law in regards to a patient's right to refuse treatment. you seem to think i am some sort of control freak. my DD and i have a pretty good relationship, i accept her sexuality and life choices as they are nothing to do with me. she talks to me about issues she has had and continues to have with her condition (as well as other aspects of her life) she spends the weekend with her gf as she has college in the week tues - fri and prefers to be at home so she gets some peace and quiet, lol

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 26/11/2016 17:23

Sounds like a plan, keep

Of course teenagers don't just turn in to adult at the stroke of midnight of their 18th birthday in terms of maturity and decision making, but in terms of the law they do. And they may reach Gillick competence before then - if a youngster younger than 18 insisted they did not want their parent/s present, the reasons for that would be explored, but ultimately the request would quite likely be respected, depending on whether it was felt that the youngster understood what was happening.

PacificDogwod · 26/11/2016 17:24

If I think back to what I was like at 18, I suspect the DD here is simply oblivious that this follow-up appointment is also a big deal for her mother.
Teenagers have slightly more empathy than toddlers, but not a lot IME

TotallyOuting · 26/11/2016 17:25

was explained to us before the op that exploratory surgery will need to take place every 18 months to 2 years to make sure it doesn't come back, as it could potentially be fatal. this is not MY choice. its a medical necessity

Seconding the people that have said that even if it's 'a medical necessity', it is still absolutely her choice, and her choice alone, whether to go ahead with it or not. Regardless of how much you may want to steer her in a particular direction.

TotallyOuting · 26/11/2016 17:26

Cross-posted, sorry about that.

Graphista · 26/11/2016 17:26

Don't think you're a control freak, think you're struggling to get used to your daughter now being an adult. And that is hard and I've yet to experience from the mothers perspective. I have experienced it from the daughters perspective and had similar discussions with my mother.

bcngran · 26/11/2016 17:27

But was it your girlfriend or your daughter herself who actually said that you shouldn't be there? Is there any way you can contrive a one to one private 10 minutes conversation just with your daughter, and voice your worries direct to your daughter in the sensitive, non overwhelming, non controlling way you are trying to be very careful to use?

Give her the possibility of coming back to you for support at any moment, if she changes her mind and decides she needs to. Then having done that I think you will have to step back, take a deep breath and sit it out.

cheweduprope · 26/11/2016 17:43

Why not just call your daughter and tell her how you feel?

Original poster

keepbreathinginandout · 26/11/2016 18:25

i texted her and said if she needed picking up to text me..she called me back straight away and said she didnt realise that she might have the minor procedure, she thought she was just getting a quick check over. i explained that now that she has healed completely the surgeon might want to do the "thing" and i reminded her about the questions she had.... she said she was going to ask for a leaflet, lol..but she now wants me to come and hold her hand (literally) as it scares her...her gf was in the background saying if you having that you need your mum with you...i might faint! young love eh?

OP posts:

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