To say no to a free holiday for myself and kids (with conditions)

[Airborne]

Back story - DP and I have been together 20 years, we have 3 DC's. Each summer we go abroad with my parents. This is always my parents idea as DP and I could not afford it otherwise - they like to go so they can see their grandchildren abroad, playing in the sea, eating out and generally enjoy being on holiday with them. They adore them and will do anything for them. They pay for all the accommodation and food which is very generous and appreciated and they are happy to do this - when we offer to pay for a meal/round of drinks etc they refuse and insist on paying.

This year however, there was a lot of tension and a couple of big arguments between myself and my parents. Turns out they don't like DP, never have and by the sounds of it, never will. They are very set in their ways and some of the things they said about him truly shocked me. It made our time there very tense and stressful. My DF's idea of airing his views actually made it a lot worse, he said some very hurtful things. At the end of the holiday I vowed never to go away with them again.

Just to make it a bit clearer - DP is sociable and easy going but also has some strong opposing views on things to DF, DF is a typical Daily Mail reader and they have heated debates, not arguments but they clearly have different views. However this has worked against DP and much of my parents impressions of him are based on them having differing views on religion/race and anything really!

I have just received an email from my parents inviting the DC's and myself on holiday next year. There is no mention of DP and it is quite clear from the email (without actually stating it) there would not be room for DP, ie: 'the DC's can sleep on the sofa bed and we shall buy an extra single bed for you'.

My first reaction was 'No, I don't want to go", not because DP wouldn't be there, but they clearly don't view us as a unit, a family. Even though I am in my 40's they still want some control over me and my DC's and make it clear they are not satisfied with my choice of partner.

But......my DC's love their grandparents and I know they would love to go. I feel I need to take a stand against my parents and say no. (I shouldn't feel like I'm taking a 'stand' but this is what it feels like now).

I wonder if they've set up the holiday like this knowing you would likely decline? They can still "feel good" at having offered it, it hasn't cost them anything and they can pretend to themselves that their behaviour wasn't awful/unacceptable?

Does sound like it will al be swept under the carpet which may not be a bad thing because you are clear that you will always put your DH first.

If you want to force the issue now you could reply assuming dh is invited too, and say he's booked the time off work and is looking forward to it. They'll have to make it clear what the offer is then.

Hi Airborne, sorry to come in late on this one but this has so any parallels with my own situation.
It has a lot to do with your relative ages.
I think that self serving, manipulating or controlling behaviour remains hidden when the child is happy to accommodate the parents behaviour. Once you hit your 40s however and a 70+ still wants to 'have it his way' it starts to look dysfunctional.
We had many happy summer holidays with DM & DF, however looking back the motivation was getting and controlling our DC.
Last year they started making comments which were unwelcome within our happy marriage (you should make more effort - what if he leaves you!!) (we've been together 26 yrs).
I think once they realise they are past there prime (and in adult terms you are in yours) resentment starts to set in and that colours their views.
No advice I'm afraid. Mine got so unreasonable I had to beg them to refrain, the outcome was so catastrophic we are now NC.

Wow Fc301, I hear you! Lots of posters here have advised me to set it straight with my parents. I wish I could...but the thing that's holding me back is this - this summer DF said he was going to say what he really thought and asked me to do the same - we both did and ....honestly it has made the situation worse, so I am not so sure about having it out with them as I don't think it will improve. We both said and heard hurtful things and now nothing can change that - I keep going over those conversations and they make me sad. Sounds like that is what happened with you? As one poster said it will take a long time to change their views. DF is stubborn as a mule. My DC's adore them - they have a great time together and I don't want to ruin that, as weird as that may seem they have a great genuine relationship, plus, they are my only family in the UK, so its kind of important to my DC's.

It must be hard for you being in the middle, still loving your parents but having your DP as your priority. (As it should be of course)

The only thing I would question is, is it fair for you to expect your DP to spend xmas with them? I just wonder how you would feel if your inlaws had said awful things about you and DP still expected you to spend xmas with them? I know you say it's for the kids but I'm not sure that should be at the detriment to your DP and do you really want your DC around people that feel that way about your DP (I am presuming their DF)

I would honestly find it really hard to not cut contact completely but I suppose if DP is happy with the arrangements?

Yes many people work along the lines of how reasonable people go about these things. Sadly not everyone is reasonable. I doubt that 'having it out' would help you in the long run. But it is important that you manage how this plays out. This means that you have some boundaries and that you don't just capitulate to their wishes.

I'm not sure why you find it sad rather than infuriating and high-handed, though. And why do your parents feel they can tell you at insulting length why they don't like your husband of 20 years and the father of their grandchildren? Why weren't they afraid of any consequences, like souring their relationship with their daughter/seeing less of their grandchildren? Don't they think your primary loyalty is to him?

DP is fine about spending Xmas with them (not another holiday though!). He does what most reasonable people do in tricky family situations by biting his tongue a lot, being sociable and civil - not ideal, but I imagine this happens in a lot of families, not everyone gets along.

I feel sad AND infuriated! Sad because they cannot find anything positive about him - his positive 'qualities' were "that he is not a drinker or a womaniser!" That was the best they could come up with.

Infuriated that they feel it is ok to say this.
For them its the DC's above everything else, they don't like to view us as a unit, he is sort of on the outside in their eyes.

He might feel different if you actually told him what they'd said.

If I were in your position, I'd be making the decision NOT to have anything to do with them.

The line is "things were said that can neither be unsaid nor tolerated" if they wanted a relationship with me and my dc, an apology would be a starting point, but even then not a guarantee that the relationship was salvageable.

They have shot a poison tipped spear at the heart of your family.

If you ignore this, you run the risk that it gets out (wouldn't put it past your parents) and dh wonders why the fuck you did nothing.

A stupid person would know better than to say anything, your toxic parents went for the jugular.

Your parents have made their feelings shown, you have every right to distance yourself from those who are not friends of your marriage.

If they say anything, you can tell them that you'll happily convey their thoughts on your husband to him and that will seal their isolation from you forever.

It is unutterably sad that they can find nothing nice to say about him, and that they think they still own you and can express these things. It only reflects badly on them though.

I am going to go against the grain here. I would go. DCs will have a nice time. Parents have a nice time. Accept that they don't get on.

You may find in ten - fifteen years time that you cannot stand the DP of one of your lovely DCs. What are you going to do? Not see them?

My parents don't get on with DP, (now ex), but for 20 years I tended to see them without him. We just didn't make a big thing of it. He appeared at Christmas etc but longer visits - I went without him. And the children built a relationship with their grandparents.