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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to a free holiday for myself and kids (with conditions)

111 replies

Airborne · 24/11/2016 18:27

Back story - DP and I have been together 20 years, we have 3 DC's. Each summer we go abroad with my parents. This is always my parents idea as DP and I could not afford it otherwise - they like to go so they can see their grandchildren abroad, playing in the sea, eating out and generally enjoy being on holiday with them. They adore them and will do anything for them. They pay for all the accommodation and food which is very generous and appreciated and they are happy to do this - when we offer to pay for a meal/round of drinks etc they refuse and insist on paying.

This year however, there was a lot of tension and a couple of big arguments between myself and my parents. Turns out they don't like DP, never have and by the sounds of it, never will. They are very set in their ways and some of the things they said about him truly shocked me. It made our time there very tense and stressful. My DF's idea of airing his views actually made it a lot worse, he said some very hurtful things. At the end of the holiday I vowed never to go away with them again.

Just to make it a bit clearer - DP is sociable and easy going but also has some strong opposing views on things to DF, DF is a typical Daily Mail reader and they have heated debates, not arguments but they clearly have different views. However this has worked against DP and much of my parents impressions of him are based on them having differing views on religion/race and anything really!

I have just received an email from my parents inviting the DC's and myself on holiday next year. There is no mention of DP and it is quite clear from the email (without actually stating it) there would not be room for DP, ie: 'the DC's can sleep on the sofa bed and we shall buy an extra single bed for you'.

My first reaction was 'No, I don't want to go", not because DP wouldn't be there, but they clearly don't view us as a unit, a family. Even though I am in my 40's they still want some control over me and my DC's and make it clear they are not satisfied with my choice of partner.

But......my DC's love their grandparents and I know they would love to go. I feel I need to take a stand against my parents and say no. (I shouldn't feel like I'm taking a 'stand' but this is what it feels like now).

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 24/11/2016 19:15

Yanbu, your patents are though.

dailymaillazyjournos · 24/11/2016 19:15

Very rude indeed. YANBU to refuse the offer. It's the whole family or none of you.

Whocansay · 24/11/2016 19:17

I think they are being horribly unreasonable to put you in such a position. Tell them to enjoy their holiday, but of course you can't go!

Original poster

Airborne · 24/11/2016 19:20

I know it sounds strange as it's been 20 years, which is why I was so shocked on holiday when I had a massive argument with them. (DP had headed off home as DS was tired so didn't hear any of it). It seems like they had been biting their tongue for all these years. We spend every Christmas with them and for the most part get on okay. I honestly didn't realise DF didn't like DP so much - he called him 'useless and and idiot' (because he broke the sun umbrella...) and actually said he was hoping we might have split up at one point in our relationship!!!!! Might I add DP is a hardworking paramedic, so far from useless or an idiot!
I've actually been very sad about this since the summer, so much seems to have changed without there being any major change IYSWIM

OP posts:

Ezzie29 · 24/11/2016 19:21

Are you sure your kids would enjoy it if you went without your DP? Admittedly I was a sensitive child but no way would I have enjoyed a holiday if my dad suddenly wasn't a part of it, even if I didn't know the real reason.

I don't think you should go, it's not fair on your DH and it's not fair on you for them to put you in this position.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 24/11/2016 19:21

Please please don't go. for you op-what a horrible situation.

franincisco · 24/11/2016 19:23

True, expat - who'd want to sleep on a blow up bed?

Me, if it meant my dc got an all expenses holiday

OP I can see your dilemma but if your IL's had said those things about you and your DP suggested going on holiday with them and leaving you behind I'm sure you wouldn't be thrilled.

ThePinkOcelot · 24/11/2016 19:23

That's really awful. I would decline. .

yorkshapudding · 24/11/2016 19:25

Holidays abroad can be a lovely experience but what kids really need is a strong, supportive family unit. Better to have a cheap holiday in this country or no holiday at all, than a 'free' trip abroad that will drive a wedge between their parents.

If you were to go it would also send a message to your Parents that you can be bought, that they can use money to control you and that they have 'won'. If you send them this message it won't stop there. Their controlling behaviour and their attempts to come between you and your DP will become bolder and more frequent.

Don't do it.

WouldHave · 24/11/2016 19:26

YA absolutely NBU. It would be all sorts of wrong for you to go along with them banning your partner, and equally wrong for your children to be with people who want to exclude him from their lives and yours. In fact, I wouldn't be too keen on my children spending much time with people with Daily Mail type views anyway.

Just a thought - I don't want to be alarmist, but could your father's sudden change have anything to do with mental health problems or early dementia?

Trifleorbust · 24/11/2016 19:26

I wouldn't go on holiday with my family if they made it clear my DH wasn't welcome. We come as a package deal.

Quintessing · 24/11/2016 19:26

Yanbu. But I would not start an argument and call them spiteful. Years of treating you to holidays? Maybe they are trying to economize, with the low pound it may be too expensive to do otherwise this year?

I would just say you really appreciate all the holidays and treats over the years, and you understand if they now find it more expensive to pay for all. This time you prefer to do something just the 5 of you and they can enjoy the peace and quiet and maybe save a little for another holiday in future.

mirokarikovo · 24/11/2016 19:30

Has 20 years of mutual tolerance massively imploded post-brexit by any chance? That's what has happened in my extended family.

I think you need to say something like "I'm sorry I don't think we can do a holiday this year. I understand why you haven't invited DP as the kinds of disagreements you have had with him lately aren't good on a holiday. But he and I and the kids are a family unit and none of us go where one of us wouldn't be welcome. We will not come without him and we don't expect it would be a very pleasant week for either you or him with him there on sufferance so it's best if we don't try to holiday all together this time."

Original poster

Airborne · 24/11/2016 19:30

WouldHave - I have been wondering the same thing re mental health problems. My Mum tends to go along with what he says, she very much depends on him, I would have thought she would be the first for mind issues as her side of the family have all had dementia and her memory is not as bright as it once was.

OP posts:

TinselTwins · 24/11/2016 19:30

I wouldn't go, I wouldn't use up that much annual leave if DP couldn't spend time with us, I'ld rather have a "home holiday" with DP involved than use up my annual leave to spend time without him abroad

HolyCrow · 24/11/2016 19:30

I wouldn't go without my DH. We are a family, we are together or won't go at all.

Original poster

Airborne · 24/11/2016 19:32

Ha ha yes post Brexit blues - they were delighted with the result. I tend not to get into discussions with them about that as I know where it will lead!

OP posts:

AddToBasket · 24/11/2016 19:37

Are you spending Christmas with them?

You must stop this, it is so bad for your own family. Yes, the DC are DH's own DC. No way should they be spending time around people who don't like their father.

Email back: 'thank you for the invite, we've always enjoyed the holidays with you but we're just going to spend our holidays as a family this year'.

Dontfencemein · 24/11/2016 19:38

My parents in law have taken a strong dislike to me. My husband has never stood up to them and it has created a huge issue in our marriage. If you don't make a stand, it is bound to impact on your relationship with DH. I am not suggesting that you have a huge falling out with your parents. I would tell them that this sort of behaviour on their part will undermine your relationship and ask them if this is really what they want for their grandchildren. Family life is hard enough without this sort of nonsense.

whirlwinds · 24/11/2016 19:39

I would not send the kids with them or even consider it, as you are then setting the precedence for them to only take the children excluding you as a family unit. The only time they can have time with the children is when you offer it and make it clear that what has been said and done by them means that until they apologise and show they mean it then the relations will suffer and as sad as this may be you can not allow them to disrespect you in your choice partner nor towards him in regards to who he is and how he views things. Make it clear that no excuse is accepted, differences are to be respected and to suck it up as you are all family, like it or not.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 24/11/2016 19:48

Yanbu, I'd decline by email and explain that we only went on holiday as a family.
It is confrontational but if you don't make clear to your parents you are united with dp, they will keep trying to separate you, and eventually dp will find out and be really hurt. If your parents realise you won't be swayed in your loyalty, they might go back to being civil.

Alternatively you could illustrate your point about family by inviting only dmum to Christmas dinner

tipsytrifle · 24/11/2016 19:51

As you said at the start it's time to make a stand. Sending dc on holiday with them wouldn't work for me either. You are a family and you would make your stand better if you establish that unity in one fell swoop. I'd be cancelling any Christmas plans too.

In my opinion you should take charge and change everything in the toxic dynamics going on here. It's up to you and dh whether or not you renegotiate the terms and conditions of this relationship with your parents in the new year. I'd still forego the holiday to make it absolutely clear - but then I can be a bit apocalyptic in my re-negotiations.

BrieAndChilli · 24/11/2016 19:56

If you go this year they will feel validated in thier position to ignore your DH, I would definatley not go this year as it will set a precedent and then reassess next year, you may feel next year that enough time has passed and you DH may not be as hurt if you went etc

WatchingFromTheWings · 24/11/2016 20:02

I wouldn't allow my patents to freeze out my DP like that. You're a family.....all or nothing.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 24/11/2016 20:11

I'm at the poster who suggests letting them walk all over you by generously assuming economic reasons may be to blame. These at 70 somethings who in previous years have been able to afford to take five extra people on holiday and pay for all food and drink. Rubbish.

As for sending your DCs I wouldn't either. My FIL has Daily Mail tendencies and if he were to exclude me from any family occasion on the basis that we can't agree there isn't a chance my children would be spending unsupervised time under that kind of influence. But he wouldn't because he isn't a prick.

Finally I wouldn't be happy to spend my annual leave without my DP or DCs. We're not joined at the hip but family time is in short supply.

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