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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to a free holiday for myself and kids (with conditions)

111 replies

Airborne · 24/11/2016 18:27

Back story - DP and I have been together 20 years, we have 3 DC's. Each summer we go abroad with my parents. This is always my parents idea as DP and I could not afford it otherwise - they like to go so they can see their grandchildren abroad, playing in the sea, eating out and generally enjoy being on holiday with them. They adore them and will do anything for them. They pay for all the accommodation and food which is very generous and appreciated and they are happy to do this - when we offer to pay for a meal/round of drinks etc they refuse and insist on paying.

This year however, there was a lot of tension and a couple of big arguments between myself and my parents. Turns out they don't like DP, never have and by the sounds of it, never will. They are very set in their ways and some of the things they said about him truly shocked me. It made our time there very tense and stressful. My DF's idea of airing his views actually made it a lot worse, he said some very hurtful things. At the end of the holiday I vowed never to go away with them again.

Just to make it a bit clearer - DP is sociable and easy going but also has some strong opposing views on things to DF, DF is a typical Daily Mail reader and they have heated debates, not arguments but they clearly have different views. However this has worked against DP and much of my parents impressions of him are based on them having differing views on religion/race and anything really!

I have just received an email from my parents inviting the DC's and myself on holiday next year. There is no mention of DP and it is quite clear from the email (without actually stating it) there would not be room for DP, ie: 'the DC's can sleep on the sofa bed and we shall buy an extra single bed for you'.

My first reaction was 'No, I don't want to go", not because DP wouldn't be there, but they clearly don't view us as a unit, a family. Even though I am in my 40's they still want some control over me and my DC's and make it clear they are not satisfied with my choice of partner.

But......my DC's love their grandparents and I know they would love to go. I feel I need to take a stand against my parents and say no. (I shouldn't feel like I'm taking a 'stand' but this is what it feels like now).

OP posts:
Original poster
Airborne · 24/11/2016 20:13

Well I have just sent a reply..... I politely declined, leaving a lame excuse about school and said we will be organising something else instead. I didn't mention the 'leaving DP out /we are a family part - so much can get lost in translation in an email and I'm sure it will come up at some point over Christmas. Face to face arguments - much better Grin

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 24/11/2016 20:16

Are you spending Christmas with them? If I was your DP, I wouldn't be spending any more Christmases with my ILs who had made it quite clear they didn't like me, and I'd expect the support of my partner in this too. What the kids would want doesn't come into it at all, same with the holiday. Do you think they will know exactly the reason you aren't going on holiday with them? Seems pretty obvious so I can't imagine they will be happy. It's their own fault though. Did they honestly think you would be ok with that!

user1479988301 · 24/11/2016 20:17

Oh god no you are definitely nbu, that's a horrible position to put you in, they're trying to cause problems for you and you do, as pp said up thread I would say absolutely no way and this is why. Your poor dp, good on you for already thinking that way op

Quintessing · 24/11/2016 20:20

Well, maybe it really IS for economic reasons, as it seems like they will be renting a one bed apartment and get OP and dc, 4 people, share a living room, on sofa bed and a blow up mattress. Does that not strike you as odd? Whole song and dance about how they can all fit in the accommodation?

Original poster
Airborne · 24/11/2016 20:23

DP doesn't know half of the stuff they said about him, I didn't tell him everything, it's way too hurtful. They haven't made it clear to him they don't like him, but made it VERY clear to me. Yes my DF will probably guess at the reason - they are very good at stewing over things, which is part of their problem - they think and discuss peoples behaviour so much that their views on someone become really distorted.

DF is quite a literal thinker so he probably thinks 'I've told her what I think of him, she knows I don't like him so why would I invite him'. He always tells me I need to think with my head and not my heart.

OP posts:
Original poster
Airborne · 24/11/2016 20:27

It's not for economic reasons really, but yes you are right QUINTESSING, they have got a one bed apartment already booked, we (minus one) were an afterthought to their holiday. Due to various reasons they decided to go away at a different time of year next year.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 24/11/2016 20:29

"True, expat - who'd want to sleep on a blow up bed?"

Mumsnet snobs out again. There's nothing wrong with blowup beds!

Quintessing · 24/11/2016 20:29

Well, then you should definitely not feel guilty. They did not plan to invite any of you, and probably felt they "had to" out of duty.

Dont feel bad.

kittybiscuits · 24/11/2016 20:34

I'very drafted a carefully worded email for you to send - 'No thanks!'. I'm not sure about the 'thanks' though. You cannot leave your children alone with them either.

RepentAtLeisure · 24/11/2016 20:55

If your DC's went alone, you'd have to explain why to your DP. He might not even agree to let them go.

GinAndTunic · 24/11/2016 21:10

What a sad situation. You are right to hold firm and to decline a holiday invitation that does not include your DP.

I hope that your parents re-consider their offer and that a semblance of peace can be restored.

WouldHave · 24/11/2016 21:18

Apart from anything else, if they planning to fit six people into a one bedroom apartment it sounds like a holiday from hell anyway.

bumsexatthebingo · 24/11/2016 21:27

I wouldn't go. And I wouldn't be sending the dc to stay with them without you. If they're not prepared to be civil to their father on a family holiday for the sake of the children I would be concerned about what nasty things the dc would be hearing about him. Have a cheap holiday with your dp and the kids or do daytrips.

JillyTheDependableBoot · 24/11/2016 21:52

I think you made a bit of a mistake with your email tbh. I'd have said something like this:

Thanks so much for the offer of the holiday, Mum and Dad. DP, DC and I have had so many happy memories of family holidays with you over the years. But what happened last time really shocked and hurt me, and I'm doubly shocked that you're implying DP isn't invited this time. We're a family and we want to have holidays as a family. If that means DC can't see their GPs, it's unfortunate but the choice is yours. I appreciate that you and DP don't see eye to eye, but I'd hope that we would all try to get along for the sake of the DC and their relationship with you. Let's talk about it over Christmas.
Love
Airborne

Whitney168 · 24/11/2016 22:19

Agree entirely with JillyTheDependableBoot - why wouldn't you stamp straight on this?

queenbeeee · 24/11/2016 22:29

I think you should talk to your parents about how this has made you and your husband feel. They obviously love you and children so much. So surely they will make a effort with your hubby because you love him. Clear the air and move forward would be my advice. Your parents won't be around for ever. Tell them your love him and they ned to get along because like it or lump as my nan would say he is part of your family,and you come as a package or not at all. Good luck 😊

GlitteryFluff · 24/11/2016 22:30

I agree with jilly too.
I would have been honest.

Original poster
Airborne · 24/11/2016 22:33

Because they haven't directly said he is not invited, they have suggested to get a bed like my sons for me - ie: a single and have said 'we thought this might be a good time for you and 3DC's to visit us on holiday', if questioned they will definitely say that 'they weren't sure if he is able to get the time off', which might lead to an argument from me. I don't feel it's right to have an email argument, it's longwinded and can never really get the point across. That can be done at Xmas, where I can dramatically slam a door and walk out Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Airborne · 24/11/2016 22:36

queenbeeee Yes, if I am honest, that is what I am hoping will happen rather than more drama. If they directly ask me, I will directly answer them.

OP posts:
Hissy · 25/11/2016 07:55

They booked only 1 bed, so you and dp wouldn't have the space to be together.

Please reduce contact with them, they will do anything they can now to split you up.

They're damaged and crap little people

Wondermoomin · 25/11/2016 10:43

They're being "smart" enough to hide their true views from your DP to some extent but have made you fully aware of what they think. I think this rules out putting it down to possible dementia on your dad's part. It's manipulative behaviour through and through. They will keep doing what they can to pull you apart. I would be clear and unambiguous about this tbh and I don't think I'd be spending Christmas with them either.

toomuchtooold · 25/11/2016 10:52

Airborne I must say if I were you I'd be sharing a lot more of this with my DH. Your parents are doing a great job of separating you from each other on this issue - they're saying/doing things that they know would be very hurtful to your DH, placing you in a really awkward position of trying to keep the peace. Have you always been the peacekeeper?

tipsytrifle · 25/11/2016 11:05

The backlash of being a peacekeeper in ugly parental relationships is that the unspoken war is often internalised by the peacekeeper. This will make you ill, OP. Honesty would be a better space to make your stand, for the sake of clarity and any future contact with your parents. If you dance around and hope for the best you'll only postpone, rather than end, further drama. Might be better to get the explosive stuff done now, before Christmas becomes an ogre of darkness that continues to divide and conquer everyone.

It sounds like you're close to the end of your tether with all this and it would be worth considering tearing off that tether in one go. Clear the toxic air, so to speak. Of course it's likely to be an awful experience but at least you would know you'd made that stand.

I agree that you and DH should be talking fully about this too because you don't have to do it alone, almost in secret. If stuff like this remains a secret then it still binds you to it. Maybe you're as ready as you'll ever be to get this sorted out?

timeisnotaline · 25/11/2016 11:23

You have made the right decision. If my dh went on a holiday with his parents like this I would be extremely upset. I also think you should tell him maybe not every detail but the basic background - 'I didn't say it because I don't want to upset you, but they were rude about you at Christmas, and I got thisholiday invite which doesn't look like it includes you. That's bollocks and I have declined, if my parents don't invite my whole family we will not let them think that's ok by accepting. I'm sorry, this must be upsetting, I'm very hurt by it.'

SusanneLinder · 25/11/2016 11:40

I would have done what Twig said and made them say he wasn't invited.
I also would have been a bit more honest in my email too.