To say no to a free holiday for myself and kids (with conditions)

[Airborne]

Back story - DP and I have been together 20 years, we have 3 DC's. Each summer we go abroad with my parents. This is always my parents idea as DP and I could not afford it otherwise - they like to go so they can see their grandchildren abroad, playing in the sea, eating out and generally enjoy being on holiday with them. They adore them and will do anything for them. They pay for all the accommodation and food which is very generous and appreciated and they are happy to do this - when we offer to pay for a meal/round of drinks etc they refuse and insist on paying.

This year however, there was a lot of tension and a couple of big arguments between myself and my parents. Turns out they don't like DP, never have and by the sounds of it, never will. They are very set in their ways and some of the things they said about him truly shocked me. It made our time there very tense and stressful. My DF's idea of airing his views actually made it a lot worse, he said some very hurtful things. At the end of the holiday I vowed never to go away with them again.

Just to make it a bit clearer - DP is sociable and easy going but also has some strong opposing views on things to DF, DF is a typical Daily Mail reader and they have heated debates, not arguments but they clearly have different views. However this has worked against DP and much of my parents impressions of him are based on them having differing views on religion/race and anything really!

I have just received an email from my parents inviting the DC's and myself on holiday next year. There is no mention of DP and it is quite clear from the email (without actually stating it) there would not be room for DP, ie: 'the DC's can sleep on the sofa bed and we shall buy an extra single bed for you'.

My first reaction was 'No, I don't want to go", not because DP wouldn't be there, but they clearly don't view us as a unit, a family. Even though I am in my 40's they still want some control over me and my DC's and make it clear they are not satisfied with my choice of partner.

But......my DC's love their grandparents and I know they would love to go. I feel I need to take a stand against my parents and say no. (I shouldn't feel like I'm taking a 'stand' but this is what it feels like now).

Yanbu tell them to just take the kids. Your DH is your partner, your choice not theirs and it was/is rude of them to tell you they don't like him.

Your parents sound vile. Is this really the first time they have behaved like this?

It's ok to tell them you won't be going.

wow. I wouldn't even consider going. This is not a free holiday, there is a very high price attached indeed - they're driving a wedge between you and DP.

I wouldn't go. No way. You get us all or you don't get us at all.

Why the fuck would you send your kids to stay with your parents who hate their dad and are vocal about that? For real?

No no no and no.

I would reply and tell them how spiteful that is and that no, you will not be going on holiday without DP and will not be sending the kids with them either.

A lot of families don't like each others partners, they have to either just avoid each other or suck it up and get on with it. They can't expect to practically split a family all because they don't like DP. What will happen at xmas? Birthdays? Funerals? Will they expect you to leave DP behind every time and send a message to your kids that it's ok to exclude Daddy, because grandparents are too controlling and don't like him. No, tell them where you stand on this now before it gets even worse.

Your family is a unit and I would not tolerate the exclusion of my DH at all

I would definitely not go and not let the children go either in these circumstances where your parents are being so unpleasant to your dp and your kids' dad and have not apologised.

The only reason I said make a benign excuse is because if they have always been controlling it is going to take your effort to just refuse and not engage for now. Change takes time

Wow thank you all for backing up my original thought. For a while I was thinking I would be selfish for saying no, not letting the DC's see their Grandparents and enjoy a holiday, but after some wise words I realise that the bigger picture would be me agreeing to their controlling issues and letting it happen, DP would be angry more than hurt. He had been nothing but nice to them.

Just wow. Very rude of them. No way this would even be a consideration. I would say no, and make it very clear why.

i reckon in the aftermath of brexit and trump, they feel more confident about their crappy daily mail type political leanings, and think theyre in the right more than ever. I wouldnt go on holiday with them

You should decline and not send your DC, if you send them you are agreeing to their perception of your DH is correct and your children will pick up on this. Also you will have no idea what they will say about you or your DH in front of the children.

When you reply just say thank you for the offer but you will not be going on holiday without your husband. That's it no further details, don't be drawn into an argument over email. If they challenge you just ignore and tell them it's not up for discussion.

Definitely not.

How would you feel if the situation was the other way round and it was your DP's family inviting him with the children on the condition that you stayed at home?

No, no, no. It's rude. It's unfair. Its none of their business. Do you think for a second if you fell out with one of them that they would countenance you going on holiday with one parent whilst the other stayed at home? Would they fuck!

Absolutely do not go, don't send the kids and do explain why. They're being unbelievably rude and spiteful.

Sounds a bit strange, you've been together 20 years and only now they decided to suddenly tell you they don't like him? If they've kept their feelings hidden for so long, why say something now? Did something happen between the parents and dp that brought this on? How old are the children? Anyway, I wouldn't go without him. It's not fair on the children that they have to have a holiday without their dad, and, do they need to be exposed to the fact that their grandparents don't like their dad? I think it is quite distressing for young children to find out that the people they love don't love each other. You could mention that to your parents when you explain why you won't be going.

I believe you airborne. It's them not you.
No one in their right mind would think this is a hospitable invite x

I'd be waving the kids off on holiday and booking a mini break for me and dp.

If it were me I would send them an email saying that you are confused as you can't seem to see in their email where they propose that your DP sleeps. I would make them actually say he is not invited and then you can deal with that more easily once it is properly out in the open.

YANBU. I would either just politely refuse the offer, or say you and the kids won't be coming unless the invitation is extended to DP.

And I can understand why you don't want to just send the kids - totally fair enough.

Don't go. Support your DP.

MIL doesn't like me because I'm not a racist. She hates that DP challenges her, thinks it's my influence. It's not, he's just a decent person.

I can easily see this happening in our family. And I would expect DP to tell her where to go!

All of you go or none of you go. It's not a free holiday.

Also, you are not stopping your parents from seeing the grandkids. They are doing that themselves by excluding their father from the family holiday. Simple as that really.