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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DP to come home 'early' after works Christmas Do?

106 replies

BeccaAnn · 22/11/2016 19:02

When I say early, I mean 2am, when there is a bus from the place the do is on to the bus centre where we live (20 miles travel or thereabouts) and I offered to pick him him then.

He wants to stay out until 4/5am 'like last year' except last year he didnt have anything else planned during the weekend and we have my friend of 26 years engagement party on sunday. knowing him he wont be functioning until at the least late sunday night and will essentially sleep of the monster hangover.

AIBU to ask him to come home a 2am instead?

OP posts:
CanandWill · 23/11/2016 08:10

YABU and for waiting up for him/picking him up. It is controlling. He is an adult.

Bluntness100 · 23/11/2016 08:11

Sorry I agree with the others, he's an adult. I would hate it if my husband told me what time I had to be home by and I'm fairly sure it would be seen as controlling behaviour on here if I posted and said he had.

I also have a 19 year old daughter, I wouldn't tell her either. It's part and parcel of being an adult, you make these decisions yourself,

TheNaze73 · 23/11/2016 08:19

Very controlling behaviour I feel. I know it's not happening now, as per your update but, to even think it, is bad.
If this was flipped & he was telling you what time you had to leave, how would you feel?

Ilovetorrentialrain · 23/11/2016 08:39

RoseGold yes I can see that side of it, clock watching is no fun no matter what time it is. So it's not so much about the time as not wanting to have to be in a certain place at a certain time.

Honestly , being out that late with drunk people just isn't for me anymore, guess I'm in the minority in just hating that type of thing, hence having a hard time understanding.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 23/11/2016 08:58

These threads make me laugh. Just to quote the OP: When I say 'early', I mean 2am and we have a friend of 26 years engagement party on Sunday, BUT she's being controlling and unreasonable.

And yet, on other threads, where the DW is wondering where the hell DH is at four in the morning, she will be given lots of Flowers, 'poor you's and LTBs! Make your mind up, MN!

QueenMortificado · 23/11/2016 09:11

wondering where the hell DH is at four in the morning

But those threads the op has no idea where her partner is because he didn't tell her he'd be out all night. This is different to the op on this thread.

EBearhug · 23/11/2016 09:18

Make your mind up, MN!

There's a difference between negotiating in advance what time to be back by and then not turning up when you were due back at 9pm or whatever. I think it's possible to say both that someone is being unreasonable not to agree to a late hometime in advance and to be sympathetic when someone's husband doesn't come home at the expected time and can't be contacted.

In this case, I think I'm on the side of those saying he is expected at the engagement party and cannot be moping/nursing a hangover there and leaving him to decide what is a sensible time to return given that. But then I am usually the last one left at our Christmas do, at about 22:30 (usually start at lunchtime, though,) and I don't drink, so don't have much of a dilemma myself.

MrsHathaway · 23/11/2016 09:43

The way I read the OP, he's going out on a Saturday and intending to get back at maybe 5am on Sunday ... and they have an engagement that evening from 7pm. He has a history of making his hangover last all day and she is concerned that he won't be in a fit state for the evening party. It's not like it's an 11am christening or anything.

My approach with DH is to wave him off cheerfully and not pay attention to when he comes home, but be absolutely crystal about the time he needs to be "on duty" again. His work do is always a Thursday and he always takes Friday off, but knows he will be picking the children up from school at 3pm so will need to emerge from his pit in good time before that.

I think OP is completely reasonable to say "I will pick you up at any time up to 2am and you need to be ready to leave the house on Sunday at 7pm". Or whatever time.

Midsomer Murders won't watch itself had me chortling. So very true.

BusterGonad · 23/11/2016 09:59

Ilovetorain just because staying out late isn't for you it doesn't mean you can blast everyone that still enjoys a bit of nightlife, what's so unmissable is probably coming home to you telling them off for coming in late!

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 23/11/2016 10:04

Let him do what he wants, if he told you to be in early from the engagement party how would you feel?

SusanneLinder · 23/11/2016 12:33

I would never dream of telling my DH what time to be home at from a works Chrimbo do. My DH has got a hotel room the night of his, so thankfully I dont need to see what state he gets into.Grin.
I would just remind him he still needs to be going to the engagement party, so drink water before bed..

Original poster
BeccaAnn · 23/11/2016 13:09

Just to be clear I didn't TELL him, I ASKED if he would come back early. fairly sure there is a big difference.

I ASKED because I know he is crap with hangovers and the last time he was up to 4am his sleep was messed up for days. this is the first Xmas 'do' he's going to with all employees, the other is with the group he works with regularly.
If it was flipped and he ASKED me to come back at 2am because we had something else important on, that fine. if he TOLD me to be back by 2am, no not fine. I think some posters here need to remind themselves of the difference between ASK and TELL....

OP posts:
HummusForBreakfast · 23/11/2016 14:34

Actually Im quite astonished by this whole thread.

The DH agreed to go to an engagement party. This was, I imagine, planned quite far back.
He is totally within his rights to decide to go out that late. However, as he has agreed to the other party, he also has the RESPONSIBILITY to ensure he is going to the engagement party and to be in a good enough form for it (ie not hung over and/or falling asleep).

I'm actually Shock that he needs reminded by the OP!

Unless of course he is one of those that thinks that his RIGHT to go out are more important than his responsibility and his word.

Basically, the issue is with HIM (put his wish of going out before his obligations) rather with the OP.
She should never have been put in the position where it was necessary to remind him to the second party (or to ask him or to tell him, whatever) because now it has become somehow HER problem and HER issue (for asking him to think a bit further than the end of his nose) and she is becoming the one to blame for something that he should have done all on his own, like any decent adult would.

JackShit · 23/11/2016 14:42

Am I the only one who thinks engagement parties are a bit...unnecessary and...odd? Confused

Surely the party happens when you get married?

Let him stay out.

QueenMortificado · 23/11/2016 14:43

he also has the RESPONSIBILITY to ensure he is going to the engagement party and to be in a good enough form for it (ie not hung over and/or falling asleep).

Oh calm down, it's an engagement party on a Sunday evening, it's not like he's taking an exam to be a fighter pilot and the fate of the entire western civilisation hangs on his shoulders

HummusForBreakfast · 23/11/2016 14:49

Oh I am very calm don't worry.

But he was invited, he agreed. That's it, it's the end of the story. The engagement party is going first because he agreed to it first..

I'm not sure what it has to do with the fate of the civilisation tbh.
It has a lot to do with politeness and respecting your engagements and keeping your word.
Someone who would act as flaky as that wouldn't get a lot of second chance from me. Now would I be willing to trust them either.

QueenMortificado · 23/11/2016 14:51

Agreeing to attend an engagement party is hardly then a "responsibility"

And all that stuff about being unable to trust them and giving no second chances?! When this poor bloke hasn't actually done anything?! Loco.

StefCWS · 23/11/2016 14:55

I was going to say YABU until I read the times. I think 2am is late enough, what do they do from 2am onwards ??? Just put the shoe on the other foot, if he would be happy for you to go out and stay till 4am then I suppose you cant say much.

alwaystimeforcoffee · 23/11/2016 14:56

I can see where you're coming from but I think YABU.

It's a once a year party, and it would irk me no end if my partner tried to set a curfew for me. Is your friend who's having the engagement party his friend too?

You are however NBU to refuse to pick him up- leave him to sort out a taxi for himself so you can be fresh as a daisy for your friend's party :)

HummusForBreakfast · 23/11/2016 15:03

You make me laugh Queen

At least thank you for that.

But yes if someone I had invited for my engagement party was turning drunk or snoring on the sofa because they couldn't be bothered to come home a bit earlier, yes I would be unhappy.

Just as ds2 was very unhappy when three of his friends decided to say they wouldn't be coming to his b'day party 24h before (as they had a better offer) and the whole thing had to be cancelled (there wasnt enough people then to be able to do say activity).
It is blatantly rude and no I dont spend time with rude people.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 23/11/2016 16:07

BusterGonad (good name by the way - I'm a lifelong Viz subscriber).

Please tell me I didn't 'blast' anyone! and I also said very clearly I don't believe in giving adults curfews - honestly I can only think you read my posts wrong! I was very lightheartedly making my point (as well as acknowledging I may be in the minority) that my viewpoint stems from my own likes & dislikes - I judge NOBODY - and hate the idea of anyone thinking otherwise!

BusterGonad · 23/11/2016 17:09

Sorry I love I may have been overly harsh! I'm glad you like my name. Let's put it all behind us!

Ilovetorrentialrain · 23/11/2016 18:12

Buster thanks - I'm possibly not very good at getting the tone right for posts.

RoseGoldHippie · 23/11/2016 18:13

Hummus how do you know the engagement party was agreed first?

BusterGonad · 24/11/2016 02:23

Don't worry Ilove, it's just a bit of fun anyway, plus anyone who like Viz is a friend of mine!