Genuinely don't know. AIBU? It's a MIL one!

[Tiggywinkler]

So much backstory with MIL that I could write a novel.

See her probably once a month as she lives 100 miles away. We've had a very conflict-ridden history, but for the sake of DD and DS, I try not to sweat the small stuff and act like a reasonable adult.

So. My AIBU. MIL keeps feeding my children off her fork - as in, removes it from her mouth, stabs a bit of food, and then into their mouths it goes. Makes me want to vomit.

I've asked her nicely not to, but she laughs and continues. I know it's not the hugest of issues, but it's making me feel ill every time I see her.

DH is of the "it's just what she's like" variety. I try not to sit them next to the kids but she moves, and has been known to cry as she feels I'm trying to separate her from her GC.

AIBU? Should I ignore and dry heave quietly at the sink?

[MsGameandWatch]

Yuk! It's completely grim and I would tell her firmly to stop it. Her tears wouldn't bother me. I have no time for that kind of manipulation.

[Islacornx]

YANBU
Personally I find that awful.
I share cutlery with my baby DD when trying to get her to try new foods and watch mammy eat them, however I would not condone anyone other than my DP also doing it.
Your MIL physically putting the food into her mouth then placing it on a fork and feeding it to them IMO is totally wrong, I would be livid too! And her not respecting your boundaries is a major issue too, if you say no you mean no. They are not her children to dictate what she can do with them. You need to have a serious word with your DH and get him to speak with her. Do not let her continue if you are uncomfortable with this, the crying is just attention and don't let this stop you from telling her no xx

[Tiggywinkler]

Gosh, so many responses. Thank you.

I wouldn't say she's a bully, but I do think she's found it hard not to be the one making decisions for her Grandchildren. Read into that what you will!

[Potnoodlewilld0]

Hissy - I've asked her not to. History tells me that if I persist, there will be Ructions. Maybe it's worth it... I don't know

The last time there was an issue in which I stood firm, it turned into WW3 with crying, histrionics, her not being able to sleep or eat as I'd upset her so much

The second paragraph shows you how effective that 'STFU' technique is by reading the first one. Your scared to assert yourself with your own children.

I'd say job well done on her point.

You could go against her and ride it out .. Like I did. Two years in and mil still refuses to come to my house

[AcrossthePond55]

In the normal course of things it wouldn't bother me, but I admit the smoking angle does make it a bit more 'iffy'.

I'd buy a fancy fork and have it engraved 'Granny's Feeding Fork' then I'd lay it at her place-setting for her to use. If she's doing it as a way to show love there should be no problem as both of your 'needs' are being met. If she pitches a fit then you may have a bit more of a 'power play' going on.

[Tiggywinkler]

Honestly Pot, as much as I'd love to go toe to toe with her, I don't know if I've got it in me right now. I also don't know if it should be over this.

I think I need to get DH on side first too - and God knows if that will ever happen.

[SpecialStains]

That would annoy me.

[Pallisers]

"I've asked her nicely not to, but she laughs and continues."

So next time say No, you don't understand I mean it, please don't do that and move your children out of her reach.

I appreciate that this is not a big deal for some people but it would be a huge deal for me - I can't stand the thought of other people's saliva on my/my children's food and tbh wouldn't even have fed my children from my own fork. I understand others (including my own parents) feel differently but surely you respect someone's feelings on this one.

And what is it with these grown women tantruming and crying and not eating or sleeping because they don't get their own way? If that is her response, that is her problem.

[paxillin]

If it is really disgusting you and she won't answer to reason, just express the disgust. "Ewww", "bleurgh"... the 3 year old will do this before long anyway.

[PterodactylToenails]

I agree with you. Chewing it then feeding it to your kids is gross. You're the parent so she needs to accept your requests.

[Hissy]

LET THERE BE RUCTIONS! Xx

These are your children, this practice is revolting and you're not happy with it.

Turn the manipulation back in her and say, the best way to deal with tantrums is to ignore

Repeated shows of defiance and disrespect result in time out. If you won't respect my wishes with regard to my children the tbh, visits WILL have to be scaled back.
You're seriously not going to make me take that course of action, are you?

You're the parent, these are your children and their space and god knows what is being violated, and their dad won't stand up for them, so you have to.

Being a mum isn't about being popular with everyone no matter the price, it's about protecting your dc and keeping them safe.

Her fork antics are beyond disgusting and are completely unreasonable.

It stops now.

I'm nearly 50, it takes a while to get bolshie, but it's our job, and you absolutely are the matriarch of your family. Take your place

Xx

[Creampastry]

I have just thrown up in my mouth at this!!!

[FarAwayHills]

YANBU. Your DC are not baby birds and do not need to have food chewed and fed to them from their grandmothers fag breath mouth.

[PenguinsandPebbles]

Your the DC mother she should respect your wishes, she's had her chance to be someone's mum now it's your turn, however and some ammunition for you :)

Something similar was posted not so long ago, a MN who was a dentist came on and said it is actually really bad for children's dental health if saliva is being passed from adult mouths to baby mouths, can give them all sorts of issues so chat to a dentist and then let MIL know it's the nasty dentist saying it

Add in the fact she is a smoker, yuck!

[Mymouthgetsmeintrouble]

Shes doing it to control and get one over on you , easily resolved , right mil its the childrens meal time and as you have no respect for my their mothers wishes you will have to leave bye , if she starts crying and wailing that is her problem and reitterate its because of ther behaviour and until she respects your wishes this is how it will be

[Blossomdeary]

It wouldn't bother me - but if you have said it bothers you then she should stop.

[Soubriquet]

Wouldn't bother me either. In fact I think some people's reactions are a bit OTT.

However, if it bothers you that badly, then you need to have your Dh have a word with his mother

[AcrossthePond55]

Wait. She's not chewing it first then feeding chewed food is she? That would be revolting.

I thought it was just that she ate her bite of food first then used her fork to spear and feed your children their own bites.

[paxillin]

I thought she's biting it and then taking it out of her mouth to feed the kids .

[Soubriquet]

I read it as fork sharing

As in she spears food, eats, takes fork out of mouth, spears food, feeds GC.

That doesn't bother me

If it's food from her mouth, though, that would bother me a little

[Osirus]

It's gross. I hate confrontation but I would never allow this.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Yuk. YANBU. Either don't have meals with her ever again, orvwait until your DCs have a nasty tummy bug and take them over for lunch

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

'Or wait'

[blankmind]

Your MIL physically putting the food into her mouth then placing it on a fork and feeding it to her grandchildren

I've never encountered this at all. Ugh, bleurgh, boak, that is revolting, irrespective if she smokes, has a coldsore or any other germs. Would she do it if you were in a restaurant? Imagine seeing someone at another table doing that when you were enjoying your own food.

The control part, she'd be firmly put in her place and her tantrums ignored, I'm probably nowhere near as nice as you are OP

[Rainbunny]

Oh no it's actually unhealthy for your children. Her saliva will contain plaque bacteria and so she will be introducing it into their mouth environments.

I have a friend who would "pre-chew" solid food for her baby when he was starting on solids and had no idea that she was effectively doing this, apparently her dh's DM had done this with him when he was a baby (he has TERRIBLE teeth...) so I rested my case! I think they had some pretty big arguments about it as he refused to stop doing that (too lazy to use a blender).