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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely don't know. AIBU? It's a MIL one!

106 replies

Tiggywinkler · 22/11/2016 15:57

So much backstory with MIL that I could write a novel.

See her probably once a month as she lives 100 miles away. We've had a very conflict-ridden history, but for the sake of DD and DS, I try not to sweat the small stuff and act like a reasonable adult.

So. My AIBU. MIL keeps feeding my children off her fork - as in, removes it from her mouth, stabs a bit of food, and then into their mouths it goes. Makes me want to vomit.

I've asked her nicely not to, but she laughs and continues. I know it's not the hugest of issues, but it's making me feel ill every time I see her.

DH is of the "it's just what she's like" variety. I try not to sit them next to the kids but she moves, and has been known to cry as she feels I'm trying to separate her from her GC.

AIBU? Should I ignore and dry heave quietly at the sink?

OP posts:
mirrorballs · 22/11/2016 16:16

Oh, reread and it is just the fork! Blush

I'd still find it difficult to ignore

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 22/11/2016 16:17

It's not just cutlery though, she is taking food from her mouth and feeding it to DO, not simply sharing a fork! Vile. OP YANBU

That's not how I read the OP.

OP, please clarify! Enquiring minds... Smile

GreatFuckability · 22/11/2016 16:18

its not so much that its a big deal, but more that you don't like it - which is your right as the children's parent - and she continues to do it.

Original poster
Tiggywinkler · 22/11/2016 16:18

TheInternet - DD eats completely independently with her own little set of cutlery.

DS is BLW, but we will use a spoon for some runny things to help if he's struggling.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 22/11/2016 16:19

All your talk of vomiting and dry heaving is totally ott but yanbu.

Tell her again! "PLEASE don't feed the children with your cutlery mil" - be a bit snappy with her, she'll get over it.

Original poster
Tiggywinkler · 22/11/2016 16:20

For clarification - she'll put food in her mouth, bite it in half, then stab it and feed it to DD.

She also just feeds her random bits off her plate using her own fork too.

DD will tolerate it as she loves her GM, but likes to feed herself.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 22/11/2016 16:21

God, I wouldn't eat off my husband's fork Grin.

Hissy · 22/11/2016 16:21

Why don't you say NOT to do this as it's unsavoury and not take no for an answer?

You do have the right to tackle a grown adult who knows that something fucking gross they do is not acceptable to you, their mother.

Original poster
Tiggywinkler · 22/11/2016 16:23

Hissy - I've asked her not to. History tells me that if I persist, there will be Ructions. Maybe it's worth it... I don't know.

The last time there was an issue in which I stood firm, it turned into WW3 with crying, histrionics, her not being able to sleep or eat as I'd upset her so much.

OP posts:
Sleepybunny · 22/11/2016 16:24

I think regardless of the relationship of the children to the fork offerer, if you as the mother find that person repulsive, it's only natural that you find it gross. YANBU

Besplendour · 22/11/2016 16:24

Good for their immunity. You need to relax a wee bit OP.

OnePlusOneIsFour · 22/11/2016 16:25

She sounds like my mother in law! It's not about the fork!
This is about control. It's about who's wishes are being met and who feels they should be the alpha mother (whether it's actual mother or grandmother). She sounds a bit like she's used to getting her own way and doesn't really care about your wishes. Laughing after being told not to do something is quite childish and not very supportive.

I think it's her dominance over your children that's making you feel a bit sick. I don't think you are being unreasonable, just not making a point about a bigger issue. They are your children, in your house. Perhaps the best thing is to pick your battles. This probably isn't one of them. It makes you appear trivial and perhaps a bit petty. I am not saying you are, but it's not about the forks. I would ignore it. She wants to get a rise out of you, but don't let her have it. She will either give up and find something else to annoy you with or your children will realise that it's not want they want to do any more.

I've had 6 years of MIL/Grandma dominance and my children are slowly working out that sometimes she is not a nice lady. Children are smart (sometimes!)

paxillin · 22/11/2016 16:28

Have you tried saying "bleurgh" when she does it? Because from your description that's what I would think.

Original poster
Tiggywinkler · 22/11/2016 16:29

OK all - glad I asked. I'll chill out about this one.

Thank you!

OP posts:
TheInternetIsForPorn · 22/11/2016 16:29

Well if they eat independently at lest that's the start of a reasoned argument. Not that she sounds reasonable.

It's all just icky Grin

T1mum3 · 22/11/2016 16:30

She's found quite a clever one in my opinion. If you make a fuss about it, she can make you look a bit ridiculous, but actually it's quite a primal thing and it's definitely something only a parent would normally do. Would anyone on here feed their child's friend with bits of food they'd bitten into first?

I think you are onto a loser either way - sorry - especially if your DP doesn't recognise what she'd doing. The only solution is to only serve very small canapés when she comes round so she doesn't get a chance.

blueturtle6 · 22/11/2016 16:30

Yabu, I wouldn't do that even with own children

ImprovisingNow · 22/11/2016 16:32

Just no. Disgusting manners and very PA. Personally I'd issue an ultimatum along the lines of "MIL I have asked you to stop doing that. I am asking you one final time not to do it again. If you can't respect my wishes then we'll have to take meals at different times."

BlossomCat · 22/11/2016 16:32

This isn't all about forks and food though, as vile as that is it's about control.
You've asked her not to, and she still does, and cries about being separated from her grandchildren when they are on different seats.
That's a huge problem, as she's not listening to you or respecting your wishes.

notangelinajolie · 22/11/2016 16:35

I think we all have things that make us go ewww! I'm not a fan of sharing anything eating/drinking wise with someone else but my OH has no problem with it and thinks it is perfectly fine to have sip from my glass or wine or to ask the kids to share a drink when we are out somewhere. Not sure I'd like my kids eating from the same fork someone else but then again I'm a bit of a germ freak. I think lots of perfectly nice normal people would be ok with sharing grandma's fork - there are lot less hygenic things kids do so I think I'd probably leave it.

Rachel0Greep · 22/11/2016 16:35

Ugh. No, I would hate to witness that. To me, it would be worth the histrionics to persist in calling her out on it every time.

WouldHave · 22/11/2016 16:35

has been known to cry as she feels I'm trying to separate her from her GC.

So tell her yes, you are trying to separate her because she won't comply with your wishes re the fork thing; if she's prepared to stop, you will be happy for her to sit next to them. And put up with any Ructions that follow.

SapphireStrange · 22/11/2016 16:36

I'm funny about shared forks etc, so it would make me feel a bit ill but I'd try not to look or think about it.

However, this isn't really the issue is it? The issue is you have to deal with a grown woman who causes ructions, cries, claims she can't sleep or eat if you do something she doesn't like...

Rockpebblestone · 22/11/2016 16:37

This is

Matchstickbox · 22/11/2016 16:38

If she didn't smoke I'd say you might need let it go a little.
But smoking pisses me off. I make my other half wash hand etc after every fag. I'd like him to take a full shower after every fag. But apparently that's extreme.
He'd not feed our DD from his smoky mouth. He knows it's rank. And didn't even need to point that one out.

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