Genuinely don't know. AIBU? It's a MIL one!

[Tiggywinkler]

So much backstory with MIL that I could write a novel.

See her probably once a month as she lives 100 miles away. We've had a very conflict-ridden history, but for the sake of DD and DS, I try not to sweat the small stuff and act like a reasonable adult.

So. My AIBU. MIL keeps feeding my children off her fork - as in, removes it from her mouth, stabs a bit of food, and then into their mouths it goes. Makes me want to vomit.

I've asked her nicely not to, but she laughs and continues. I know it's not the hugest of issues, but it's making me feel ill every time I see her.

DH is of the "it's just what she's like" variety. I try not to sit them next to the kids but she moves, and has been known to cry as she feels I'm trying to separate her from her GC.

AIBU? Should I ignore and dry heave quietly at the sink?

[Matchstickbox]

*and I didn't

[Rockpebblestone]

This is one occasion you might actually be quite happy if the children contracted thread worms...that'd teach her!

[callmeadoctor]

I think its gross, I would be tempted never to let her eat with them!! (yeuch). Get the older one to pull a face and say Yeuch!!

[Cary2012]

Ask her, "Why are you still doing this? I'm confused because I have told you before that I'd prefer you not too."

If she gets upset, say "I don't want you to be upset, but I feel upset too, because you are ignoring my request."

Then if she kicks off, let her. You're the mum, you don't like it. End of.

You must never feel that you can't have your say, reasonably and politely, about your own kids because someone will get upset and kick off. She needs to back off and respect your wishes, because otherwise you'll be walking on eggshells forever with her, 'in case she kicks off'. If you're polite and nice whilst you do it, then she'll make a right idiot of herself if she reacts badly.

[AyeAmarok]

I was thinking WTF, why would anyone have a problem with this. So unreasonable! Until I read:

I'll probably be accused of drip feeding but I forgot to add that she's a smoker with properly manky brown teeth.

Then I did a complete 180° and now I'm with you, and I'm fighting the urge to dry heave.

[BaggyCheeks]

Even before finding out that she's a smoker, I'd have said YANBU. Why is ok for babies to be fed from other people's forks just because they can't speak up for themselves? If I wouldn't want it done myself, I wouldn't put my children through it either.

[BorpBorpBorp]

YANBU, the fork thing sounds grim. Can you make sure they're not sitting next to her at the table, then she wouldn't be able to?

[Tiggywinkler]

AWalk - are you my MIL, or just calling me a liar because you're too lazy to advanced search me?

[Trifleorbust]

She should do what you've asked, is the bottom line. I think you sound a bit mean about her - the fact that she is a smoker is somewhat relevant (stretching a point!) but I think your comment on her teeth is nasty. But you are your kids' mum so she should respect your wishes.

[Thinkingblonde]

It's not the feeding them from her fork that is the main problem though is it? It's her undermining you and laughing at you when you ask her not to do it.
I'd be tempted to snatch the fork from her hand and fling it across the room the next time she does it.

[Katy07]

If it was just using her fork with the food on her plate & she wasn't a smoker I'd accept it (her histrionics are a different issue). The food from her mouth - disgusting. It's actually been IN her mouth, not just bitten and the half that's not been in her mouth given. I wouldn't even do that with my dog (without the fork). But I think your best bet is to approach it from the smoking angle - say (justifiably) that it's very unhygienic, unhealthy - you don't want them exposed to tobacco / smoking in that fashion, and as you've made your feelings clear previously you don't understand why she is continuing. And if she then throws a wobbly ask her in a calm voice why she's now behaving like one of your little ones.
If that doesn't work invite her over, ask if she'd like some of x, then when she says yes, take a bite, fish it out of your mouth and offer it to her to eat. It'll make a point.

[Italiangreyhound]

Tiggywinkler the big issue is she is ignoring your wishes.

I'd take Cary's advice except I would say...
"Why are you still doing this? I'm confused because I have told you not to do feed my children with your cutlery.

I think the fact she ignores your wishes is the big issue, and crying etc, it's all very unfair on you and could be one day used on them if they do not do as she wishes, potentially!

Awalkinthepark I think a reasonable adult would either comment helpfully or ignore a thread they felt wasn't genuine.

[sorenipples]

To me it sounds like she is doing something actually quite intimate that normally only a parent would do (and often only the mum). So this problem boils down to whether a grandparent has the right to act like a parent if one of the parents is not happy wits the situation. This is a common divisive mumsnet issue.

Personally if would make me uncomfortable, particularly if I felt it was one of many boundary crossing behaviours. However I do think it sounds petty as an isolated complaint (wouldn't stop me being uncomfortable though).

[queenMab99]

There are 3 aspects to this, one is manners, when you are trying to instil good table manners in your children, this is undermining you. The second is health, we were never allowed to share food like this as my mother and father had both had childhoods which were devastated by TB in the 1920s /30s, it is unhygenic and risks tummy upsets and colds at the very least. the third is the control thing, she is doing this to show you she can. YANBU

[baconandeggies]

No no no. It's not about the fork. It's about her showing you who's boss when she's there. And having a tantrum is also controlling behaviour. Don't put up with it!

[Flippetydip]

I think you're doing amazingly well not to have knocked the fork out of her hand in uncontrolled disgust the first time she did it - so well done!

My MIL once tested DC's food temperature by putting her tongue in it. I was so horrified that I said so and asked her never to do it again. All credit due to her she was very surprised and said "that's the way I've always done it for children but if you don't like it of course I won't do it" and then never did it again for mine. The road of our relationship has not always been the smoothest but we've both made allowances. You sound like you're making plenty already.

Your DH needs to have a word about the emotional blackmail nonsense.

AWalk - what??

[shovetheholly]

I have issues with this kind of thing. DH shares glasses of beer with his parents to try out different flavours, which makes me want to vomit. I accept that I am unusual and over the top about it, though, and that this really is my issue not theirs. I try to turn away and only really raise it when there is a genuine issue, e.g. sharing glasses when someone has a bad cold.

What I'm trying to say is that I fully understand where you are coming from, but I think it's going to come over as distancing and cold. It might be better to let this one go, in order to maintain boundaries that matter more. I accept that it's incredibly annoying when someone continues to do something you have straight up asked them not to do, and that this is an issue of respect. However, sometimes picking your battles is advisable.

[SatsukiKusakabe]

Yanbu.

I've had this a bit and it does irk me, in my case it was offering swigs off the dregs of a water bottle, in my house whilst their actual drinks were in the table with them. It is a power thing, if it's unnecessary or if they've been asks not to, but even if you ignore that aspect of it I try and teach the kids not to share drinks or cutlery for hygiene reasons and it undermines that. I don't like it, especially when people have colds (like we don't get enough of those...) and with the smoking aspect, no.

A lot of these things don't feel like a big deal, but I always consider whether I would do the thing in question, and even keep doing it despite being asked to stop. And I couldn't imagine it without embarrassment, which suggests to me it's not reasonable as the person doing it obviously doesn't care about what you think at all.

[Cantusethatname]

That is revolting.
I don't think I can say it better than Cary 2012. Use her advice.

[Dutch1e]

It's a bit sad that "pick your battles" sometimes translates as "don't fight any."

Would it be really difficult for your DH to say "Mum stop that"?

[diddl]

"I've asked her nicely not to, but she laughs and continues."

That's the problem, isn't it?

She doesn't give a fuck about what you think & your husband also doesn't think that your opinion on this is important.

Perhaps you need to push the fork away & tell her no when she does it!

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

I bet awalk is the MIL...
Or at least she does the same kind of things to her DGC against her DDIL's wishes

[WingedSloath]

It makes me retch when I see people do this. I couldn't eat anything someone else has taken a bite out of.

It's two things though, the feeding and the ignoring your wishes so her feelings trump yours.

They shouldn't. Do not pander. Confront her about it.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Has she always been a controlling bully?