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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About dh always blaming others?

144 replies

Zaratall · 21/11/2016 09:33

Dh seems to be always making mistakes.

Everything from losing his keys, losing his wallet, leaving the lights on in the car, driving off in the dark without putting the lights on, losing money, knocking drinks over, perhaps more seriously he completely wasted someone's time because he didn't listen to some information given or to me when I told him.

This is fine, we all make mistakes, what I can't stand anymore is that he won't take responsibility for his mistakes and prefers to blame his family.

For example, this weekend he gave our toddler jam on toast on the sofa. The toddler rubbed the jam into the sofa, so dh, instead of just cleaning it off got huffy with our older child for apparently having taken the throw off the sofa (even though this wasn't the case), and even if it was it was clear that the throw was off before he gave the toddler the jam.

He left the car headlights on and the battery went flat (a neighbour had text). So dh got huffy again with older child saying they'd put the interior light on. When dh realised it was the headlights and that he was the last to use the car, he blamed me for apparently making him go out to get chips (again I hadn't and the chips were his idea).

When he lost some money he blamed me for moving it.

When he knocks drinks over he blames me for putting them there.

When he fucked up over an appointment recently he had no one to blame because I tried to warn him. So he sulked and tried to make out he had some kind of illness and needs to see a doctor. Instead of just admitting he didn't listen to the information given or double check.

This is only scratching the surface of his blaming ways, it's been going on for years and I can't take much more.

When I try to speak to him about it he'll try to find some logic to his blaming. He even blamed his boss at work saying his boss blames him a lot so it's learnt behaviour.

Surely this is not normal? Don't most people just hold their hands up and try to rectify mistakes?

OP posts:
echt · 22/11/2016 06:08

he'd be under the body patio by now

Top typo, CouldIHaveIt so apposite. Smile

5to2 · 22/11/2016 06:16

I have to defend them but I don't want them seeing that dynamic when we should be a team.

But you have to defend your kids first again emotional abuse and unreasonable behaviour. Sod the "team dynamic" in that case.

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/11/2016 06:27

I'd be telling him to stop immediately, and asking him to come out of the room so that you can defend them out of ear shot.

And then explaining to him that the very fact that you need to do that means your set up is somewhat dysfunctional.

I would not be accepting his blaming any more. Certainly not his blaming of the children. What an unmitigated bully.

As Math says, the more you argue this out, the less it's being resolved, the more angry it's making you, and the DC are implicated in all of it.

Disengaging until such time as he cops onto himself is the best option.

Believeitornot · 22/11/2016 06:27

Not always. We are pretty easy-going in our house, but my 9yo daughter still shows this trait quite often. I think sometimes it's a 'perfectionistic' trait - some people just cannot accept they've done something wrong, regardless of the fact that the people around them couldn't care less

I had to laugh at the irony of this statement. Your dd may well show these traits because of your behaviours but you're not taking responsibility for it - how could it be your fault, right? Wink

My dd is a perfectionist and I think she's picked it up from DH. He gets very cross at spilt drinks, he blames others and rarely apologises unless he's damn sure it is his fault and even then it's a qualified apology "I'm sorry if I upset you"
I find myself completely trying to counter his behaviour to extremes. Eg I'll be incredibly laid back about stuff as I don't want the dcs to turn out like him ShockSad

elodie2000 · 22/11/2016 06:40

It's called 'arrogance' OP.
Never in the wrong, everyone else is the idiot.

Colby43443 · 22/11/2016 06:56

My dh used to do this a lot. He improved when I started calling him out on his mistakes though. Nothing major or aggressive but whenever he did something wrong it was pointed out before he had a chance to blame anyone else.

crusoe16 · 22/11/2016 06:57

My DF and DH both do this. DS8 has started too. Must be a male thing. Literally have never heard my DF accept blame for anything. He's never wrong either. It's a family joke but frustrating nonetheless.

gunsandbanjos · 22/11/2016 07:09

My ex husband is exactly the same, absolutely nothing was ever his fault. Is incredibly wearing to live with!

TheStoic · 22/11/2016 07:25

I had to laugh at the irony of this statement. Your dd may well show these traits because of your behaviours but you're not taking responsibility for it - how could it be your fault, right

Grin Blush

Potplant · 22/11/2016 07:25

This is my ex. no matter how stupid and trivial, it's not his fault. In 20 years he never apologised for anything. It was either someone else's fault so no need to apologise or he didn't mean to do it so no need to apologise.

He didn't lose stuff, I moved it.
He didn't forget anything, I didn't tell him
He didn't step your toes, you got in his way
Etc etc etc

It's like dealing with a toddler.

YelloDraw · 22/11/2016 07:33

A pp mentioned something about stepping on toes. Dh is like that, if he bumped into me and knocked me over it would be my fault for standing there

Same. Absolutely the same. I didn't realise it was so common!

A PP mentioned a perfectionist trait, that would describe ex DP. Very ordered and controlled.

The worst thing is after so long together it has rubbed off on me a bit. I was biking with my dad and I nearly came off, he asked what happened and my instant reaction was to say 'you slowed down and squeezed me off the path' when actually I should have given him more space. :/(

Zaratall · 22/11/2016 07:55

Just to say. I DO call him out on this. I don't just stay silent for the sake of harmony.

I don't just let him blame the dc, but even when I call him out he scrabbles around for more excuses and it turns into something bigger than it needed to be. I find it pathetic to be honest. Even if he does sorry sorry it's a childish, sulky, arms crossed "well sorryyyy, but".

It's quite liberating sometimes just to hold your hand up say sorry and clean it up.

I'm going to tackle this now head on, but again, I feel now I'm having to take responsibility for a grown mans bad behaviour.

He even kind of tries to blame me for his snoring, so he's snoring because he was tired because we stayed up 10 minutes later to watch the programme I wanted to watch. No dh, you snore every night the moment your head hits the pillow.

This has become a big problem for us.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 22/11/2016 08:10

Shades of my DP here too. He broke a precious glass and point blank refused to apologise because he hadn't meant to break it so what was there to apologise for.

I caught him out last week, after checking the calendar he saw that no it wasn't my fault for not putting an important date in at which point he physically looked round the kitchen for something to blame me for. I laughed at him and he laughed too, he's aware his tendency to blame is literally a joke.

Lostin3dspace · 22/11/2016 08:12

My ex too! In 20 years never apologised for anything, from tiny things to very major poor treatment of me. Also drove very selfishly, tailgates, parked on disabled spaces, double yellows, private land and if caught it was the traffic wardens fault or the space was not marked up properly.
Mine also went for the full paperwork onslaught if he'd fallen foul of the authorities, think writing to point out to the tax office how they were wrong for over a year after the minor tax event. Traffic warden would be denigrated as an incompetent by letter.
I actually think it is a form of mental illness or personality disorder

PurpleWithRed · 22/11/2016 08:19

XDH was like this - he came from a very dysfunctional family where if you did anything slightly wrong or made any kind of mistake you got heavily punished (emotionally rather than physically but the odd bit of physical too). Taking the blame for anything was just too risky. So not only did he never take the blame for anything, but if anyone else made a mistake he would go wildly over the top. Child breaks a plate: "those plates cost £25 and you can't buy them round here!" - er, no, they cost £8 and I'll pick one up tomorrow. Lose the credit card - disaster, we will have to cancel all the cards on all the accounts and we won't have any money to spend for weeks. That kind of thing. And apologise - omg, if he actually got to the stage of admitting blame then he was hangdog and miserable to a ridiculous degree.

As I said, XDH.

paxillin · 22/11/2016 08:42

Interesting that most of the offenders are ExHs.

GinAndTunic · 22/11/2016 08:47

Some people never take responsibility for their mistakes as it's easier to blame other people.

Scarydinosaurs · 22/11/2016 08:51

It feels so much better to me to say "my fault, I'm sorry". It's a shame he will never experience that and is stuck in this cycle.

I guess as he is so in deep with this ingrained behaviour that it must be very hard for him to break it.

ppeatfruit · 22/11/2016 09:03

Maybe a session of CBT is necessary for a lot of people! Scary

Scarydinosaurs · 22/11/2016 09:07

Absolutely! maybe you could get him a CBT book, OP?

Isetan · 22/11/2016 09:20

You've enabled this man child for far too long and it's a terrible example he is modelling his kids. Not working on his disrespectful and childish ways should be a deal breaker and now is the time to push firmly for change, before that sinking realisation occurs when you see your children exhibiting the same learned behaviour.

You may not be at point now where splitting up is on the table but his disrespectful and childish behaviour is corrosive and in the end, it might corrode your relationship to the point of no repair.

This isn't going to spontaneously correct itself.

LadyMumble · 22/11/2016 09:30

I cringed when reading your description of your dh Zara as I recognise much of his behaviour in myself Blush

Fortunately I am now able to say "in myself" as I do keep it in myself and do not verbalise my immediate thoughts of blame. It has taken a lot of work and I do have the occasional slip up, but generally I manage to check myself and not kick off at those around me (much to the relief of beleaguered dh!) when I make a mistake. I may now heave a big sigh and maybe have a little grumble at myself when I stub my toe for example, but I no longer spout a defensive stream of bullshit about how someone else caused it to happen because they left their shoes in the way / were walking slowly in front of me / called my name / dared to be breathing somewhere on the same planet as me.

I came upon the concept of 'locus of control' and identified through a self test that I have a (completely) external locus of control, meaning that everything that happens in my life happens to me, not because of me. Which of course, is drastically fatalistic and at odds with how I perceived myself to be, so I wanted to reject it. After reflecting I accepted this as absolute fact, and realised that it was a significant cause in arguments with dh, and had contributed to other difficulties throughout my life. So began picking out when I was doing it and made efforts to stop being a dickhead accept responsibility for myself.

It also helped me to tell those usually on the receiving end of my blaming what I had learned, to tell them that I was trying to change it, and to ask for them to have patience with me but not let me get away with it anymore.

I've found a link to a site that explains it better than I have, and which has a test to find out whether one's locus of control is internal or external for anyone who might want to have a look.

http://psychologia.co/locus-of-control/

Whether your dh will be interested or care to make efforts to change is up to him, or not as he may see it! Good luck.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 22/11/2016 09:33

I love my DH to bits but he's really forgetful If he goes to the shops he refuses to write a list because he cba, then he'll forget something. It's always one item as well haha. I don't say anything to him about that anymore...no point as he won't change lol.

My DH doesn't blame anyone else if he makes a mistake, but he's always got a handy excuse ready. I think he's written a book on elaborate excuses. Sometimes it's just funny and other times it can be a bit wearing.

ppeatfruit · 22/11/2016 09:36

LadyMumble That is brilliant!! It's exactly what our ex dil needs, I'm not sure she'll admit it to herself though, it takes someone with self awareness like you to do it Grin Flowers

KindDogsTail · 22/11/2016 09:37

LadyMumble I admire the way you saw this trait in yourself and changed it.
I think that is a wonderful achievement. Most often a person has little clue about what they doing themselves - me included!

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