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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About dh always blaming others?

144 replies

Zaratall · 21/11/2016 09:33

Dh seems to be always making mistakes.

Everything from losing his keys, losing his wallet, leaving the lights on in the car, driving off in the dark without putting the lights on, losing money, knocking drinks over, perhaps more seriously he completely wasted someone's time because he didn't listen to some information given or to me when I told him.

This is fine, we all make mistakes, what I can't stand anymore is that he won't take responsibility for his mistakes and prefers to blame his family.

For example, this weekend he gave our toddler jam on toast on the sofa. The toddler rubbed the jam into the sofa, so dh, instead of just cleaning it off got huffy with our older child for apparently having taken the throw off the sofa (even though this wasn't the case), and even if it was it was clear that the throw was off before he gave the toddler the jam.

He left the car headlights on and the battery went flat (a neighbour had text). So dh got huffy again with older child saying they'd put the interior light on. When dh realised it was the headlights and that he was the last to use the car, he blamed me for apparently making him go out to get chips (again I hadn't and the chips were his idea).

When he lost some money he blamed me for moving it.

When he knocks drinks over he blames me for putting them there.

When he fucked up over an appointment recently he had no one to blame because I tried to warn him. So he sulked and tried to make out he had some kind of illness and needs to see a doctor. Instead of just admitting he didn't listen to the information given or double check.

This is only scratching the surface of his blaming ways, it's been going on for years and I can't take much more.

When I try to speak to him about it he'll try to find some logic to his blaming. He even blamed his boss at work saying his boss blames him a lot so it's learnt behaviour.

Surely this is not normal? Don't most people just hold their hands up and try to rectify mistakes?

OP posts:
Yamadori · 21/11/2016 10:01

I get where you're coming from OP, my DH is like this. If he knocks something over and breaks it, then it is my fault for putting it there. If I get upset because a precious ornament gets smashed while he's hoovering then I'm in the wrong for getting emotionally attached to 'stuff' and I should be grateful that he's doing housework and I need to accept that there will be collateral damage.

He also has form for hiding things he's broken and then saying "It's not my fault" when I find it.

ppeatfruit · 21/11/2016 10:03

Our ex dil does this, it's draining of other people's energy and unhelpful; I just say sharply "I don't play the blame game" and Ignore, ignore ignore.

Zaratall · 21/11/2016 10:05

I think his parents were ok. They're nice decent people and he has a good relationship with them. The only possible bad thing is maybe he has been a little spoilt and pampered? But not massively and he works hard.

I think kids will do this, but in an adult, it's just not on.

With regards to the tailgating, he blamed that on the fact that he drives a lot for work and has to hurry up.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 21/11/2016 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Softkitty2 · 21/11/2016 10:09

Argh. Just shout at him at him and tell him you've had enough of his shit and he needs to stop blaming everyone else and take responsibility for his shock. Maybe you might shock some sense into him.

baconandeggies · 21/11/2016 10:10

Ha! He can explain that to the officer who gives him 3 points on his licence and a fine, then Hmm

Blaming and scapegoating does appear in lists of emotionally abusive behaviours OP. Also aggression, of course (tailgating)

kittybiscuits · 21/11/2016 10:10

I don't think he's ill or needs help. It's a habit and a very unfortunate one. He feels bad because he is embarrassed when he tries to blame others but in the end it is blatantly his fault. I would treat him like a child, since he is behaving like one, especially in front of your DCs. Eg

baconandeggies · 21/11/2016 10:12

It basically is him saying never criticise me for anything.

Indeed.

kittybiscuits · 21/11/2016 10:13

Whoops - posted too soon. Eg 'it's very naughty to blame other people when you make a mistake. Daddy should be a big boy and say sorry'. I would also try and ensure that the main person affected by the consequences of his actions is him and no one else as far as possible. Don't mop up after him, don't share costs generated by him, don't change plans because he messed up.

Zaratall · 21/11/2016 10:14

He'd probably blame the police officer for being out to get him.

I have been really off with him this weekend and last night when the dc were in bed I told him all how I feel.

He kept trying to divert away from it but I think in the end he took it on board, but I'm not sure he can change the habit of a lifetime.

If he blames me I can put him straight, but when he blames the dc it makes me unbelievably angry. I have to defend them but I don't want them seeing that dynamic when we should be a team Sad

OP posts:
FizzBombBathTime · 21/11/2016 10:14

My husband does this shit. The latest one culminated in a three day long row. Over keys.

Long story short, I gave him his keys in the morning, he came home that evening knocked on the door so I let him in, he insisted he didn't have the keys. I told him he was wrong so he must have lost them. Apparently it was my fault. Surprise surprise the next day they turn up in his jeans pocket. Instead of taking responsibility he says to me 'either you planted them there or its ghosts' ............

The fuck?!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/11/2016 10:17

hmc - yes, me too.

DH not only has a blaming thing going on, but whenever I tell him that he's done something that he perhaps shouldn't have, he ALWAYS throws it back with "well, but YOU do XYZ as well/instead" which is always totally beside the point! Total inability to take responsibility for any wrongdoing/mistakes.
It's so juvenile!

I don't know what you do about it. I can't seem to get mine to grow up, so who knows if it's even possible.

gleam · 21/11/2016 10:17

Hmm, I wonder how his parents really were with him as a child?

I say this because I'm a blame-avoider. I can't stand the feeling of shame/stupidity that comes over me if I do something wrong or, say, break a glass. So if I break a glass and no-one's around, I just clear it up and never mention it. My mother was a catastrophiser over little accidents or spills when I was a child and I guess I'm still trying to hide my mistakes.

So it could be a hangover from his childhood?

baconandeggies · 21/11/2016 10:18

I don't want them seeing that dynamic when we should be a team

Yes, arguing and bickering does damage DC, even behind closed doors.

baconandeggies · 21/11/2016 10:20

I don't know why pp are trying to psychoanalyse him when his behaviour is patently wrong? It doesn't make him blameless even if he had a crap childhood!

WouldHave · 21/11/2016 10:24

With regards to the tailgating, he blamed that on the fact that he drives a lot for work and has to hurry up.

I hope you pointed out to him that dealing with an accident or being stopped by the police is going to slow him down? And that the courts will be totally unininterested in his wish to save a few seconds on his journey?

DrDreReturns · 21/11/2016 10:24

The first sign of a loser is an inability to accept responsibility - it's always someone else's fault. He sounds like a complete cock.

wigglybeezer · 21/11/2016 10:28

DS1 does this, I have told him it will not be acceptable with future partners,. Looks as though I am right! I find making mistakes hard, I can cope and admit them as long as nobody else gets cross with me. For instance I recently killed Ds1's phone by washing it ( didn't check pockets). I confessed to DH who then swore which made me feel all defensive and want to make excuses.

blankmind · 21/11/2016 10:33

Has he always been like it? does any of this ring any bells?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Executive_dysfunction

KateInKorea · 21/11/2016 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaEagleFeather · 21/11/2016 10:47

ouch, in a slightly smaller way my husband is the same.

Yes to the many, many preventable mistakes from small to really big. Denies stuff that he doesn't remember doing, and he forgets a LOT. Or "he didn't mean to do that". Mine isnt as bad at the blame avoidance by some way, but it still drives me crazy.

Yes to the tailgating too, funny you mention that. It was so dangerous.

I find it puts up barriers to trust and emotional intimacy because if you know full well something has happened and he's denying / shifting blame, you can't see him as an adult any more. You need a man in a relationship, not a 6yo! Also, being scared for your life and the lives of your children when your husband drives really does fuck up trust.

scampimom · 21/11/2016 10:50

My DH doesn't do this exactly, but if he cocks up in some way it always seems to have just "happened", like he had nothing to do with it.

It's a face-saving thing, isn't it. But saving face at the expense of your own blinking children is pathetic.

Stopyourhavering · 21/11/2016 10:50

Is he dyslexic/dyspraxic?.... Disorganisation and short term memory can be a sign!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/11/2016 10:57

Yes it is nice for children to see their parents being a team.

However, it is also very important for children to see how adults challenge bad behaviour in other adults. It is important to learn how to challenge bad behaviour in people you love. It is important to learn how adults respond to having their bad behaviour challenged. This is how they learn to be good adults themselves.

DustingOffTheDynastySuit · 21/11/2016 10:58

DH has tendencies towards this. Fortunately he has a good sense of humour and I can royally take the piss out of him for it.

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