About dh always blaming others?

[Zaratall]

Dh seems to be always making mistakes.

Everything from losing his keys, losing his wallet, leaving the lights on in the car, driving off in the dark without putting the lights on, losing money, knocking drinks over, perhaps more seriously he completely wasted someone's time because he didn't listen to some information given or to me when I told him.

This is fine, we all make mistakes, what I can't stand anymore is that he won't take responsibility for his mistakes and prefers to blame his family.

For example, this weekend he gave our toddler jam on toast on the sofa. The toddler rubbed the jam into the sofa, so dh, instead of just cleaning it off got huffy with our older child for apparently having taken the throw off the sofa (even though this wasn't the case), and even if it was it was clear that the throw was off before he gave the toddler the jam.

He left the car headlights on and the battery went flat (a neighbour had text). So dh got huffy again with older child saying they'd put the interior light on. When dh realised it was the headlights and that he was the last to use the car, he blamed me for apparently making him go out to get chips (again I hadn't and the chips were his idea).

When he lost some money he blamed me for moving it.

When he knocks drinks over he blames me for putting them there.

When he fucked up over an appointment recently he had no one to blame because I tried to warn him. So he sulked and tried to make out he had some kind of illness and needs to see a doctor. Instead of just admitting he didn't listen to the information given or double check.

This is only scratching the surface of his blaming ways, it's been going on for years and I can't take much more.

When I try to speak to him about it he'll try to find some logic to his blaming. He even blamed his boss at work saying his boss blames him a lot so it's learnt behaviour.

Surely this is not normal? Don't most people just hold their hands up and try to rectify mistakes?

My dad does this. In his 50-odd years he's never been to blame for anything, it's an impressive track record really

My husband does the forgetfulness thing, but genuinely it's not forgetfulness it's simply being lazy and not paying attention, trying to do something he doesn't really want to do as quickly as possible so fucks it up . He also looses his keys, wallet glasses etc all the time,

For the first, he just gets grumpy and says it was a "mistake, what do you want," for the losing shit, I used to help look now I resolutely don't get involved and he's stopped losing stuff so much as it's down to him solely to find it.

As for the tailgating, that's dangerous and really bad driving, he needs to stop that,I wouldn't get in the car with my husband driving if he did that and he'd hear it from me. It's some of the worst, scariest behaviour someone can do behind the wheel.

everyone has somewhe4re to go in their car or we wouldnt be in them

he'll kill someone one day or maybe even himself

the rest is just being a know it all bloke

Our passports went missing and DP blamed me. When we last travelled, he had taken the (hand) luggage coming off the plane and I just had my handbag and the passports. I looked everywhere, phoning the airport lost property etc. It was a mystery to me what I could have done with them. I used to think of new places the passports might be and phone him from work to ask if he'd looked there (front pocket of hand luggage case, the big pocket in his cargo shorts - both were places I remembered the passports had been at one stage or another). Finally I applied for new ones at vast expense (I think it was over £80 each).
Three days after I sent off the applications, he confessed that he had found the passports in the pocket of his cargo shorts (where I had actually asked him to look and he said he had . He never reimbursed me for the £160+ it cost to replace the passports (and it was early days in our relationship as well). At least he confessed, but I was a little resentful about the money.

This resonates with me:

I have lost count of the number of times I tell him that just because you don't intend to do something, does not mean you are not responsible for it having happened

My ex did this too - and another thing he did was to say that he had never done it (a particular mistake) before - as if that made it OK. "I am sorry I late home to look after the kids for you to get to work in time, (chatting to mates in a coffee bar and forgot the time) but I've never done it before." How does that help me?

Yep my DH is like this it is bloody annoying. If he looses anything it is our fault and everyone has to look for it until it is found. . Yes he blames the world for all his ills. Shit really.

Both me and dh are like this a little. It's a constant battle to make each other or someone else responsible for everything. Both of us have/had hyper critical, blaming parents, where any minor thing would either result in a disproportionately furious response (my parents) or drawn out re-hashing and sulking (dh's).

I am aware of it tho and I have been working on it for s few years now. I am also aware with the dc not to overreact, blame or give no fixing options. When ds1 does things like spill a drink I say 'it's okay, just an accident, try to be more careful and help clean it up' with a cheery smile and don't mention it again. Sometimes dd brings it up again as if he's anxious and I reassure him it's fine and change the subject.

Both me and dh are really disorganised 'losers' as well, which doesn't help. I am better than dh and I also never ask for help looking. But he expects me to drop everything and find his stuff. When he says he can't find something I just say 'oh dear' and leave the room. He is dyslexic and the level of his disorganisation is legendary.

My ex H did this - could never take responsibility for his own mistakes/ cock ups - everything was everybody else's fault and in the 14 yrs we were together he never ever said sorry for anything. Even when he dropped 6 wine glasses that had been a 40th birthday gift from some close friends to me. Reader, I left him and married a woman.

Sounds like my DH! Perhaps a little more extreme tho. I find it hilarious when DH knocks over a drink and you can see him immediately want to blame someone until he realises it was him who put it there

My Mum used to be like this when I was growing up. If she couldn't find something it was always my fault for moving it (even if I hadn't touched it).
If I accidentally broke something I'd be extremely anxious as I know she'd go off the handle and blame me of doing it on purpose. Everything had to be someone's "fault".
I'm pretty sure this contributed to some anxiety problems I've had as an adult. Please think about the effect this could have on your kids and get him to evaluate his behavior or get help!

As I became an adult I had to consciously check myself to stop myself behaving in the same way.

If he doesn't stop doing it, your DC will do it too, and you'll have a whole load of them blaming each other for stuff they've done themselves?

Yes I recon his parents must have been stressy about accidents/lost items.

Every time just say 'no it's not my fault. You Left the light on. Does it really matter anyway?'

What does he do when you make a mistake op? One of the things which softened dh doing it was me taking responsibility in a lighthearted way for things I had done. It completely changed the dynamic. I lost something and I said 'oh no I've lost x. I know it's my fault, I'm such a knob! Haha'. Then he started to be less defensive if he lost something. Or saying 'does it really matter whose fault it is, let's fix it' and just not mentioning it again.

Grown men acting like children................its pathetic and would kill anyone's libido stone cold dead. He is setting an extremely poor example to the children, its one of the first things you learn as children is to be honest, own up to your mistakes/accidents etc

I'm sorry, in my opinion life is too short to be with someone like this, it sounds EXHAUSTING.

Hmmm stopyourhavering Suspected for some time that our oldest has dyspraxia. Reluctant to definitely say he has without a doctor's diagnosis, but a lot of things seem to click rather neatly. Now you mention it, could be worth considering for his dad.

He's not a mean man in any way at all and not manipulative, but there is this serious (and genuine) forgetfulness and disorganisation

He's stopped the tailgating now but it took some awful rows and an incident with the driver of the car in front.

My ex - note the 'ex' - was/is completely the same. Nothing, ever was his fault.

It's a responsibility issue as I see it, and he was incapable of taking responsibility for anything except things that were successful. He apparently still blames me 100% for him not having the children one day a week after the divorce. He seems to have conveniently forgotten that a) he did get them - I pushed really hard for them to go in the face of their reluctance.
b) it stopped when the DCs got hysterical - as in really hysterical - a couple of times because of his behaviour
c) they were all teenagers and capable of making their own decisions.

It's a really unpleasant trait OP. Your DH needs to take it onboard asap because it's things like this that kill a relationship.

My wife does this and it's so draining, nothing is ever her fault, she refuses to accept responsibility for anything that she fucks up and her attitude is getting worse, she tries blaming me all the fucking time. E.G she dropped a can of beer last week in the kitchen as she was putting it in the fridge, according to her it was my fault because I ordered the cans of beer on shopping

I've now started to ignore her when whatever she's doing goes wrong

Me & DH also both a bit like this, both of us possibly a bit ADD? Maybe both a bit down on ourselves after school scoldings (no pe kit again Mary!! etc)

Crucially though we have both acknowledged the tendency and the need to resist it. Humour is invaluable. We are very fond of a family saying from an old friend whose family clearly shared the problem -- we say "look what you made me do!" which I think sums up the weedy buck passing and irrational irriation felt by the buck passer quite well.

We actually discussed this quite seriously at the start of our relationship, and it has been really helpful in getting is this far (25 yrs soon!) I believe.

Doesn't mean we don't both have to work at it still, we do ( especially DH IMO )

I'd look up adult ADHD and see if that seems familiar.

Oh God I get this too. My dad did it/does it

Dp does it to all of us too.

Sometimes I don't even have to be in the house fir something that just that moment happened to be my fault.

It will be because I distracted him with a text or something... well just ignore my messages like you do the rest of the time the ..

My ExH used to do this too.

E.g. toddler falls over and hurts himself. H immediately sets about proving that it wasn't his fault.

FFS I'll read your written deposition later - could you please just pick up the crying child and give him a cuddle better??

E.g. 2 he always used to get really hangry if he hadn't eaten for a while and this was always, always my fault. I might have been in a different county for the entire day, having left the house full of fucking food, but it was nonetheless still my fault he hadn't managed to get any of it down his neck.

It's a deeply unattractive trait.

Ds1 does this. Of all his traits, I despise this the most.
Zero responsibility.
And the person never changes, because they don't think they are doing anything wrong. That's why its a core thing, MAJOR, not insignificant.

I cant see how it can ever change though? Seriously, how do you ever change this?

DH can do this. It's learned behaviour. If it helps this is what i've found useful to tackle it.
A) Don't shout or get cross when they are in the "where is it?"/sorting it out stage. They are simply not receptive at that time so it's a waste of energy. Tempting though it is...
B) Do do stuff like getting them to sit down and think clearly about when they last had the keys.
C) Do some thinking about WHY they react like this. In DH's case his mother simply can't deal with the fact anyone in her family might be seen to be not perfect. It's like you can only love someone if they are in the right. Admitting you are not right about something is pretty much the same as saying you don't deserve to be loved. (Or in my case she thinks admitting that DC1 is behind his peers in school is akin to declaring i don't love him.) Could this be true for your DH? It's a big burden to carry. It comes from a total lack of self confidence.

It doesn't mean he should get away with the behaviour but tackling it at good chilled out times worked a lot better for me.
DH can still get in a tizz but i call him on it "You're thinking i threw the keys away aren't you?" It calms the situation down. He can laugh.
He's lovely but it's like the red mist comes down in these situations but it has got so much better.
Have you asked your DH why it matters so much that he made the mistake with the toast? Or with the car? Does he feel blamed, stupid. Does he feel loved? If he can be a nice guy, there must be more to it than him being an arse?

What you are describing is possibly passive aggressive behaviour and if so becomes a hidden form of abuse (even if the person appears kind and sweet) and can lead to an escalating dysfunctional relationship where the other partner begins to react angrily/over compensate to try and make some order somewhere etc.

There is another thread going on at the moment about this. It has varying degrees of seriousness in its effects, ranging from totally destructive to extremely exhausting and draining for the other people around.