About dh always blaming others?

[Zaratall]

Dh seems to be always making mistakes.

Everything from losing his keys, losing his wallet, leaving the lights on in the car, driving off in the dark without putting the lights on, losing money, knocking drinks over, perhaps more seriously he completely wasted someone's time because he didn't listen to some information given or to me when I told him.

This is fine, we all make mistakes, what I can't stand anymore is that he won't take responsibility for his mistakes and prefers to blame his family.

For example, this weekend he gave our toddler jam on toast on the sofa. The toddler rubbed the jam into the sofa, so dh, instead of just cleaning it off got huffy with our older child for apparently having taken the throw off the sofa (even though this wasn't the case), and even if it was it was clear that the throw was off before he gave the toddler the jam.

He left the car headlights on and the battery went flat (a neighbour had text). So dh got huffy again with older child saying they'd put the interior light on. When dh realised it was the headlights and that he was the last to use the car, he blamed me for apparently making him go out to get chips (again I hadn't and the chips were his idea).

When he lost some money he blamed me for moving it.

When he knocks drinks over he blames me for putting them there.

When he fucked up over an appointment recently he had no one to blame because I tried to warn him. So he sulked and tried to make out he had some kind of illness and needs to see a doctor. Instead of just admitting he didn't listen to the information given or double check.

This is only scratching the surface of his blaming ways, it's been going on for years and I can't take much more.

When I try to speak to him about it he'll try to find some logic to his blaming. He even blamed his boss at work saying his boss blames him a lot so it's learnt behaviour.

Surely this is not normal? Don't most people just hold their hands up and try to rectify mistakes?

OP this would drive me nuts, it's one reason I'm low contact with dad.

Kate, the learned behaviour thing is interesting but at some point the reasons don't matter as it's just unbearable behaviour.

My dad was exactly like this. We started making it a competition who came up with the most ludicrous chain of events blaming somebody else. We started coming up with long chains blaming each other for the winter, the traffic and the night, too.

He understood and stopped.

No advice but my ex-DP was the same and I found it extremely wearing. Everything was someone else fault, or actually usually my fault.

Forgetting his passport to go on holiday - my fault because I wanted to leave with plenty of time and he wanted to leave later.

Falling over down a steep rock slope - my fault because I was walking too slowly.

Tail gates - well the other car is driving too slowly.

He never once apologized to me the ENTIRE 10 year relationship. Everything was always my fault.

My ex-husband was (and still is) constantly making mistakes like this. I thought it was an issue of 'absent-minded boffin', and only much later that I realized it is down to deficiencies in memory. His mother had memory problems, and our daughter has also inherited them. Also, disorganisation is often part of ADHD and dyspraxia because of memory and processing problems.

My ex-husband spent his entire life being blamed for his disorganisation, accused of "not trying" and being lazy or not bothering, and blaming himself as well. His defensive strategy became to blame others. Not pretty, and extremely irritating. However, it can help to understand the roots. You might want to consider whether your DH has some kind of underlying problem like this, given that it seems to be so chronic and is causing him so many problems.

Pax, my dad would start screaming if it was pointed out to him so clearly your dad is an adult.

Kesstrel - I believe you're talking about something different. A close relative has dyspraxi and cannot process or remember things, so blames others.

The behaviour that OP describes is just arsehole behaviour, based on being convinced everyone else is just an inferior twat.

My exH never once said sorry to me for anything - not even accidental stepping on toes for example. Because it wasn't his fault - I clearly shouldn't have put my toes in that place.

the day he started to tell the DCs to never apologies for anything was the day I knew I had to leave.

effing typos! cold, cold fingers.... I don't have the heating on....

DH can be like this. Raised by a narc who hasn't apologised once in his life...

I showed him this. www.upworthy.com/her-story-is-pretty-funny-but-the-lesson-at-the-end-will-change-the-way-you-think-about-blaming

We can mostly laugh about it. When he does something and I say, "oh whose fault is it?"

My dh is like this (but not to the same degree) and it is extremely frustrating and difficult. You have my sympathies OP

As a PP stated, I also struggle to respect my dh as much as I should as often things are never his fault.

Oh dear.

So from reading this thread I've realised that whilst my dh does this, so do I to an extent...and that its true, I had a catastrophizing parent (thanks Dad) who lambasted me for small mistakes (I don't know if that applied to dh). I've also realised that ds is like this partly because he sees dh doing it, partly because he sees me doing it - and partly because I sometimes catastrophize over minor issues like a spilt drink - as does dh! Although otherwise we are loving and supportive parents......

Oh my goodness - do we have some work to do!

Dh does this, I tell him what an unattractive quality it is and how much it drives me mad, makes no difference whatsoever but at least I have my say.

Thanks for posting that video MrsTP. It is perfect for summing up how i feel when something accidental happens. The lengths my mind automatically goes to to establish a chain reaction/ludicrous domino effect of events is actually quite impressive, despite being destructive and unhealthy. It's probably my superpower! As i said upthread it's something i do work on tho.

The sad thing i have to question about it tho is why do i (and DH) feel so incapable of showing that level of vulnerability to each other? Why is it easier to be defensive and hostile than admit i did something wrong? Same with my parents etc. How can people not be able to turn to their nearest and dearest and say, 'oh i'm sorry my love, that's totally my fault'? Like if you say sorry you are giving away some no mans land in an invisible battle. To admit it is to admit defeat in some way?

Thank you for all the opinions.

I find it difficult to think it's his parents fault, but it could be. He does (imo) have some strange ideas, so say he'll go completely over the top if we spill a drop of coffee on a hotel duvet, in a premier inn. He'll panic and say we are going to get charged. But he thinks nothing of tailgating, speeding or parking on double yellows and if he did get a ticket it wouldn't be his fault of course.

A pp mentioned something about stepping on toes. Dh is like that, if he bumped into me and knocked me over it would be my fault for standing there.

I don't exactly want to split up over this but it is getting me so fed up. I'm hoping he can stop.

Some of it seems trivial but blaming a child for things nothing to do with them is so damaging. I still carry guilt because of my dad playing the blame game.

My dad is exactly the same. If he can't find his keys it's 'where have they effing gone, where's that cow moved them to'.... frequently they turn up in a jacket pocket.

I can't tell if he was spoiled as a kid (and adult, my mother totally enables his behaviour), or it's a woman thing (my bro can't put a foot wrong) or he's generally insecure, or a mixture.

I sometimes recognise this behaviour in myself, it's really unattractive. I think it comes from not wanting to admit fault, even though I'll be the first person to tell you I'm the worst 😂 My mum is slightly similar though so I had no chance 😉

It's quite frightening as a kid though.

Sounds exactly like my dp

Actually my dad used to do it as well..if he spilt something it was the fault of the person who put it there..if you spilt something he put down it was you being careless or clumsy.

Sadly a lot of workplaces are always looking for 'whp put that there' and 'which idiot was on the last shift' especially when its managememt led by fear. I think my dad got ot from that..

I married one like this. We've been divorced for 10 years but still nothing is his fault. Drives me mad as our son is now the same and it's a behaviour I can't stand and can't change.

This is learned at home, from over Critical parents. The child learns/internalizes that making a mistake is bad, and that nothing is left forgotten or unpunished. Therefore there are zero opportunities to learn to make things right/just get on with it. And it starts with questions to children starting with "who?" and "why?"

Not always. We are pretty easy-going in our house, but my 9yo daughter still shows this trait quite often. I think sometimes it's a 'perfectionistic' trait - some people just cannot accept they've done something wrong, regardless of the fact that the people around them couldn't care less.

My H is exactly the same. I am the scapegoat.

Christ on a bike. I'd want to leave him! In fact, he'd be under the body patio by now, it's bad enough when kids do it, but a supposedly grown adult. Nope. No patience for that shit.

I do think it is wrong to make this seem like a man thing, I think it is a human thing that we all have to discipline ourselves out of.

My mother used to say of my grandmother that if she was in the house by herself and dropped a cup, it was YOUR fault because she had been thinking of you at the time.

All this is a bit of a slave mentality, I believe, because slaves are worried about what the master will think. The same with lying.

I'd keep talking to him about it outside of when it's happening, as you've just done.

Try to work out what he thinks is going to happen if he simply accepts responsibility for something. Is the sky going to fall on his head? No.

In fact, him taking responsibility is going to alleviate the situation, instead of exacerbating it, as currently happens.

And then every time he tries to lay the blame elsewhere - call him on it.

And if it still doesn't stop, LTB quite frankly.

DW is like this too. My golden rule: when accused, smile, shrug and don't engage.

With her parents, anything that goes wrong just has to be someone's fault. While one ought to take responsibility, it's also true that sometimes shit happens and it doesn't need to cause a row.

I agree with TheDowagerCuntess.

You should put this in the category of power trip behaviours, and keep your options open where the future of your relationship goes.

The bad driving is a sign of aggression and also a sign that he doesn't think the rules apply to him, so I would not be so quick to excuse this blaming behaviour on dyslexia, dyspraxia, or a rotten childhood. This is ringing narcissism bells imo.

How to deal with this?
When there is blaming, tell him you are sorry he feels this way and leave the room. Keep on saying it - make it clear you are disengaging.

When it comes to the children, you are going to have to tackle him head on - get a babysitter and take him out for a long walk or drive and inform him that he has blamed them for the last time.
Tell him there will be no second chances.
If he keeps on blaming the children then you need to have an option for yourself that may involve asking him to move out. Keeping on doing this after you have made it clear it has to stop means he is engaged in a power struggle with you.

This behaviour really damages children. He is bullying them. It will have the effect of making them walk on eggshells.

It really is 'management led by fear' translated into the home.