To be upset by DH's bath?

[KellyBoo800]

We've been TTC for a year, DH has a sperm count of 2 million and we've been given a 0.5% chance of conceiving naturally, and won't be able to get IVF on the NHS. We only found out on Friday.

I bought DH some vitamins that I prompt him to take every evening when I take mine, which isn't an issue. But DH just started to run a bath, so I reminded him (having discussed it yesterday) that baths are not good for him with his low count. He said "OK we can have sex first and then I'll have a bath". I then explained that that's not how it works and that he needs to avoid hot baths in general to help with healthy sperm production. He said "fine I'll have a shower" but seemed sulky about it.

AIBU to be pissed off? I've spent the best part of a year temping, using OPK's, checking cervical mucus, and reading up on anything and everything that can help. He's not even so much as Googled what can help his low count, and now is getting grotty that he can't have a fucking bath!

Before anyone asks, he wants to have a baby as much as I do. But he does already have a DD and had a low count back then too, so I think he is just of the mind that it'll happen eventually so just go with the flow, whereas he doesn't seem to realise that having a low count 8 years ago and having a low count now are not the same because his count has decreased dramatically so it's not going to "just happen" by itself.

I'm probably being too emotional about this but the one thing he could do to fucking support me right now is give up his weekly fucking bath and he can't even do that without fucking sulking. Hopefully his 20 minute fucking shower has given him some time to realise what an arse he is being!!!

Just wanted to tell you that 17 years ago my ex h was tested and found to have a sperm count of 2.0 million.

We were due to start IVF (after over a year of TTC) after the summer but conceived naturally.

DS1 is now 16. He was followed by DS2 who was also conceived naturally after 1 month of trying a couple of years later.

Just wanted to tell you this to give you hope that even with the odds you have miracles do happen.

Thank you all so much for the supportive messages.

Mistyped earlier - he did not have a bath, he had a shower. We had a long talk last night and he said he is going to do some research and do whatever it takes to improve our chances even if it is just fractionally.

With such poor sperm you would actually be looking at ICSI which is more expensive than IVF. Usually around 6-7k per cycle. Would your dad be able to afford that?

Anyway , that's not why I'm replying. For poor sperm there are scientifically proven results that high dose vitamin c is very beneficial as well as coQ10. Google it.

Rain I'm looking at the 3 cycle package with LWC which is £6900 plus meds and consultations. The ICSI is an extra £1250 per cycle which I would be able to afford if my dad paid for the rest. Will be spending today doing my research!

Thanks for the coq10 recommendation, I have just ordered some so should be here tomorrow.

I get you entirely!

When we started IVF, I had envisioned him coming and helping me with the injections. You know, as the least he could fecking do, but he just played on the computer. I had a massive wobble because I couldn't get a bubble out (and I didn't know enough then that the bubble was nothing to worry about), and as he was mid-game, he wouldn't come to the bathroom and help.

It wasn't about the injection: I did have that taped. It was about the going-through-something-together. He rejected that entirely.

Well, the way I see it, I went through ICSI alone and he was just an observer. He's been a lot better since I became pregnant (on the first go, wtf!!) So, looking back I think it was a mixture of denial and shame at needing fertility treatment. It's shit to have to go through infertility "alone", when at the very least you'd expect the other person in the relationship with you but there you are.

Have you considered ivf/icsi abroad? Much cheaper and from my experience better quality of care.

Meds vary on the dose you need. I was £140 a day for think 12 days in one of the cycles so another £1680 plus consults vary from £50/200

You would be better finding a package that covers ivf icsi and consults and scans etc

Drugs are always on top as they don't know what you need

I did find drugs cheaper abroad and personally 345 were abroad and their knowledge and freezing far superior then my uk clinic - plus over all Cheaper even with flights

Look at clinics for low sperm and their icsi stats and if abroad go and meet them or do skpe chat

On phone so can't name check but agree with the poster who said about hubby helping. Us females go through a lot with ivf and TBH men just wank in a pot 😉

Df wanted to help inject me as felt he was part of the process - bless him x

I agree with mathanxiety does he want a baby as much as you?

Ah, I have just seem your update Kelly good.

My dh actually injected me with water one time, he forgot to make up th solution and was about to do the same again!!!!

One thing I do want to say is that although I can understand some have issues with sperm donation/egg donation or adoption (we have a birth dd, we tried egg donation and our son is adopted) but I am rather shocked by your husband's position. He is a dad, you are now a step mum. I doubt he spelled it out and I am sure he does not require you to love your step daughter but I expect you care for her and about her. She's not related to you by blood. Would it be so very different for your dh to love a child not relayed to him by blood?

Italian I think that is part of the problem - he is scared that if he has a child that is not biologically his, he wouldn't love them as much as he loves his biological daughter. With adoption he is worried (as am I) that we would not be able to give enough support to emotional problems that a child that has been through the system may potentially have, and that this might cause disruption to his daughters life.

After a talk last night though he has opened up to the idea of a sperm donor if needed. He did say it's a shame his brother has had a vasectomy as he would have asked him so that there is still a strong biological link! He said that he would be willing to do it if it was a known donor, so there's potential progress.

Great news.

Just for the record, yes, children who come through adoption do often have extra needs, but not insurmountable. I also don't think a biological link is necessary and I do understand how some feel it is.

Also, just IMHO actually you carrying your brother-in-laws child would be much more problematic than a 'strangers' child. Remember the child will not be a stranger, he or she will be your (you and your dh)'s child just as our adopted son is our (mine and my dh's) child.

Good luck

Italian I really hope I didn't offend you, I completely understand that your adopted child is just as much yours as your biological child is. Just like I know I would always love my DSD as much as any biological child I might have. Parenting is a lot more than just DNA

I know my DH would love an adopted child as his own because I know from first hand experience how easy it is. But unfortunately DH doesn't have that experience so he can't quite see how it's possible yet.

kelly you 100% did not offend me. I know that people all think differently on these topics. I'll tell you what convinced me I would have no problems loving someone not related to me (despite the fact I love dh and he is, luckily, not related to me! And that is the hamster. Dd ad this dopey little hamster who she adored and I loved him to bits too. I thought, if I can love a hamster I can certainly love a child!

But seriously, lots of people do choose not to adopt, so it is not a bad thing to know your own mind. My only concern was for you, that the situation is not equal, you are not yet a parent and your dh is. So the feelings of real desire and almost unrequited love, of not yet having a child, are there for you and not for him.

BUT it sounds like he is 'pulling his socks up' so that may all work out.

The greatest role in all my life is not that of a wife, or of a daughter, but that of a mum. Despite the fact my dd still has that bloody tablet on at almost midnight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!