To be upset by DH's bath?

[KellyBoo800]

We've been TTC for a year, DH has a sperm count of 2 million and we've been given a 0.5% chance of conceiving naturally, and won't be able to get IVF on the NHS. We only found out on Friday.

I bought DH some vitamins that I prompt him to take every evening when I take mine, which isn't an issue. But DH just started to run a bath, so I reminded him (having discussed it yesterday) that baths are not good for him with his low count. He said "OK we can have sex first and then I'll have a bath". I then explained that that's not how it works and that he needs to avoid hot baths in general to help with healthy sperm production. He said "fine I'll have a shower" but seemed sulky about it.

AIBU to be pissed off? I've spent the best part of a year temping, using OPK's, checking cervical mucus, and reading up on anything and everything that can help. He's not even so much as Googled what can help his low count, and now is getting grotty that he can't have a fucking bath!

Before anyone asks, he wants to have a baby as much as I do. But he does already have a DD and had a low count back then too, so I think he is just of the mind that it'll happen eventually so just go with the flow, whereas he doesn't seem to realise that having a low count 8 years ago and having a low count now are not the same because his count has decreased dramatically so it's not going to "just happen" by itself.

I'm probably being too emotional about this but the one thing he could do to fucking support me right now is give up his weekly fucking bath and he can't even do that without fucking sulking. Hopefully his 20 minute fucking shower has given him some time to realise what an arse he is being!!!

This news is very new and raw to you, you've only known since Friday. I can't imagine how you must feel.

The danger is that you will start blaming him for this. I don't think it's fair to ban someone from having a bath, his sperm isn't your property no matter how much you want to be a mother. If he's not willing to make it work and your urge to have a baby is greater than your desire for him, maybe you have to find someone else. But I don't think controlling him is the way forward, sorry.

Uiscebeatha85 "My dp has baths daily but the water is below his bits iyswim."

Am I the only one wondering how that's possible?

Having been through low motility issues with my husband, I can't see having the odd bath is going to make a great deal of difference. Try him on selenium, but you're going to need ICSI. By the way, our son is now 16.

achristmascactus I honestly appreciate the concern but I do not blame him for this and I can't see that I ever would. It could just as easily be me with the problems (and that's still a possibility, the GP ballsed up my tests). I want to be a mother, but having him as my husband is more important to me than a hypothetical child.

YANBU and it's infuriating when people make the classic "when you're less stressed you will most likely conceive". It doesn't necessarily work like that when hormones/sperm count/eggs are not 100% sound.
You have made lots of sacrifices, so really having a couple of months without a bath isn't exactly a hardship. There seems to be plenty of medical advice around which supports this view & so surely it makes no sense to disregard it.
Keep positive - it took me 4 and a half years to conceive but it did happen in the end.

holidays thank you for the support and I'm so glad you finally managed to conceive! Although I can't imagine another 3.5 years of this hopefully we will get started on IVF/ICSI in the next 6 months, and if we haven't had success after three cycles then it's not meant to be, and we move on (and become world travellers instead!)

Kelly I hope everything works out for you. I think MN has a really supportive set of boards/threads about this too.

we're ttc too. OH normally only has baths but has been having showers instead (takes far less time too!) but he has the odd bath when we're not trying. Will remind him not to make it too hot...

It happened naturally in the end (but after a laparoscopy which cleared tubes out) & then second time round it happened first try. So there is hope there! Unless you have experienced infertility nobody really knows how awful it is.

Having struggled to conceive I feel YANBU. It's a hard enough time as it is and I would of been very pee'd off if I hadn't felt that both of us were doing all that we could to try and conceive. Explain to him how it makes you feel and perhaps a compromise could be a warm bath rather than a hot one?

holidays unfortunately I know no one I real life who has even struggled to conceived so it is hard. My poor mum is in bits about not being able to make it all better! I think I will be brave and make an appearance on the infertility board here - something I was hoping I wouldn't have to do

Oh, and the whole "don't stress and you will conceive" is not helpful and only made me more stressed and irritated. Equally, I was incredibly stressed and on the verge of a nervous breakdown when I conceived so as far as I'm concerned, its a load of rubbish (not that I recommend getting that stressed!).

Kelly - definitely hop over to infertility pages. lots of good, useful advice over there.

And to all the PPs who have said "don't stress/just relax" and "we tried for ages and then gave up and we got pregnant!" - just..... do one yeh. If you've been ttc for 2 years naturally and haven't conceived, you're in the top (bottom?!) 5% and it's a shit place to be. The ladies in the Barren Ghetto (infertility pages) so get it and are a real source of support. The Mind Numbing Boredom thread is a particularly fantastic one!

And as for all this BOLLOCKS about stress - if stress made you barren why do refugees in camps get pregnant?! Hot water on balls with low count has more physical impact than any worrying from the woman.

Get in the bath with him and enjoy 😊
Same situation 20 year old child now living independently

As an adult I must add

I agree with mathanxiety. It is hardly that much to ask, is it?

And please, don't suggest getting stressed would be detrimental to getting pregnant. Getting stressed is an inevitability when facing difficulties in conceiving. It is an extremely thoughtless statement to make to someone whose partner has a low sperm count.

When you are trying to do everything you can to get pregnant, it is totally annoying when the other person isn't. Totally get where you are coming from.

totally understandhow you feel

df has 3 kids all in 20's and therefore also had to pay for ivf

agree hot baths arent good for sperm, and again when/if you do ivf you wont have them while doing ivf, the 2ww and if successful they advise no hot baths till over 12w

tho sure some do bath and still preg, i didnt want to risk it

please take your dads kind offer of 3cycle ivf, research,look into abroad, much cheaper and you will need icsi

i ttc for 10yrs and had 4 failed private ivf but the 5th hit the jackpot and 21w preg

"Kelly* re "I'll point out as well that now I've calmed down I of course realise I am being ridiculously unreasonable, and will have a nice hot bath waiting for DH when he gets back from work tomorrow!"

In light of this "...he has point blank refused to consider a sperm donor or adoption. Which he has every right to veto, but when you consider that he does already have a child, then this does become about his decisions impacting on my chances of becoming a mother..."

There is no way I would have a hot bath waiting for him. He can have all the hot baths he likes when you are pregnant!

Just FYI, I have a birth dd (conceived through IUI when I was 39) and an adopted son who has been with us for well over two years. My dh was not keen on egg donation (I was the one with the 'issues', or at least the major ones) and after dd was born we were told we would not have any more children with my eggs. We tried, a lot, and then went for egg donation as dh agreed to it.

Had he not agreed to it I am not sure how well we as a couple would have survived that. I mean I hope we would, but I was so desperate to have another child!

After three IVF (Icsi) rounds with donor eggs, all unsuccessful, one of which was frozen, we decided to adopt (we had always wanted to but had wanted to have another child by pregnancy too first).

So now we have two kids and I am very happy. I think for the record your partner is being totally unreasonable not to consider sperm donation or adoption, he has a right to object, of course, but his objection may affect your future.

Please, no hot baths for him, until you are definitely 'with child'.

I hope you get exactly what you would like.

Potatoooooo have you had fertility treatment? Because enjoying the sex is not key to conceiving.

Just seen this... Kelly... "For what it's worth, he is now out of the bath and trying to find some nice smelling lotion to give me a foot rub. I married a keeper." So he had the bath anyway. Can I ask how old you are, please?

Re your dad "My dad has already decided that he is going to fund a 3 cycle IVF package for me if needed but I don't feel I can let him do that, as amazing an offer it is!"

Please do let him do this for you if he can afford to do it. If this is what he wants, please let him. If you have icsi, then his low sperm count may be less of an issue.

Please get your dh to take this seriously. A lot of people seem worried you will ruin your relationship, I wonder if he will ruin it if he does not take your needs seriously.

Re your brother's girlfriend, I think pregnant women cannot understand how women going through fertility issues feel, unless they themselves have had those issues prior to getting pregnant. I just think they can't understand.

Mynestisfullofempty he's not completely submerged in. Liking hot water. water covers his legs but not his cock and balls, what's so difficult to understand?

*in boiling hot

...he himself has admitted that he has struggled to understand exactly how I feel because he doesn't have the we worry of never being a parent

That is quite an empathy deficiency.

I am in agreement with ItalianGreyhound's posts here - and I think you are going to resent him very strongly if his desire to have his cake and eat it is enabled.
"...he has point blank refused to consider a sperm donor or adoption. Which he has every right to veto, but when you consider that he does already have a child, then this does become about his decisions impacting on my chances of becoming a mother..."
There is real frustration here, and you are committed to giving your efforts your best possible shot - you've already spent a lot of time and effort yourself. Don't discount your frustration. Don't try to sweep it under the rug. It will creep out later and sit there, elephant shaped, in the room for a long time.

If he keeps on showing that he can't really understand how strongly you feel about having a baby, then you need to consider relationship counselling.

AIBU to be pissed off? I've spent the best part of a year temping, using OPK's, checking cervical mucus, and reading up on anything and everything that can help. He's not even so much as Googled what can help his low count, and now is getting grotty that he can't have a fucking bath!

Before anyone asks, he wants to have a baby as much as I do.
You need to find out if he really wants a baby as much as you do. You need to find out ASAP.

Sending you good thoughts from across the pond. We had fertility issues and had a couple of rounds of IVF eventually, so I understand what it's like to feel that you're constantly having to monitor anything that might be a help or hindrance. I would have been as irritated as you...but I also remember how incredibly pressured and stressed we always felt. Be gentle with each other.

Yabu on the basis that with a sperm count like that the bath won't make a difference. Nevertheless I completely understand why you are upset - infertility is a tough road.
PLEASE take your dad up on his offer of IVF, what a great gift. There's loads of support here on the infertility boards.