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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by DH's bath?

113 replies

KellyBoo800 · 20/11/2016 19:46

We've been TTC for a year, DH has a sperm count of 2 million and we've been given a 0.5% chance of conceiving naturally, and won't be able to get IVF on the NHS. We only found out on Friday.

I bought DH some vitamins that I prompt him to take every evening when I take mine, which isn't an issue. But DH just started to run a bath, so I reminded him (having discussed it yesterday) that baths are not good for him with his low count. He said "OK we can have sex first and then I'll have a bath". I then explained that that's not how it works and that he needs to avoid hot baths in general to help with healthy sperm production. He said "fine I'll have a shower" but seemed sulky about it.

AIBU to be pissed off? I've spent the best part of a year temping, using OPK's, checking cervical mucus, and reading up on anything and everything that can help. He's not even so much as Googled what can help his low count, and now is getting grotty that he can't have a fucking bath!

Before anyone asks, he wants to have a baby as much as I do. But he does already have a DD and had a low count back then too, so I think he is just of the mind that it'll happen eventually so just go with the flow, whereas he doesn't seem to realise that having a low count 8 years ago and having a low count now are not the same because his count has decreased dramatically so it's not going to "just happen" by itself.

I'm probably being too emotional about this but the one thing he could do to fucking support me right now is give up his weekly fucking bath and he can't even do that without fucking sulking. Hopefully his 20 minute fucking shower has given him some time to realise what an arse he is being!!!

OP posts:

5BlueHydrangea · 20/11/2016 20:35

It's good you're getting your head round it. Fertility issues can ruin relationships. I know of several couples who have really struggled through IVF. We have suffered with secondary infertility for nearly 6 years. For a long time we tried all sorts of things. Dh gave up alcohol, took vitamins etc, he has a low sperm count which in a way is extra annoying as we were so lucky to conceive our dd quickly. Point I'm making is, I got really frustrated with him and the situation at times, didn't feel he was on board with all the changes etc but at the end of the day, other health problems took over and the need is gradually (v slowly) fading. We came through it but it caused us lots of stress. Try and focus on your relationship more than your need for a child and hopefully you'll find a good way through this - together.

IsthisMummy · 20/11/2016 20:35

Sorry to hear that you're going through a shitty time OP. Myself and DP have both just been diagnosed with fertility problems...it really is the most horrendous feeling :(

YANBU. I would go absolutely postal as well. Yes it is "just a bath" but it's not about the bath is it? It's about the fact that you're the one doing 99.9% of the work. My DP is supportive, but it's not him tempting, getting poked and prodded and doing all the research into supplements, diets etc.

It does drive you absolutely insane. I have no advice to give other than advising you that you're not alone in this horrible, soul destroying struggle.

memyselfandaye · 20/11/2016 20:39

Take your parents up on their offer! They would'nt have offered without thinking it through.

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/11/2016 20:40

I'm stopping the temping and OPKs until the new year, which should hopefully coincide with our first appointment at the fertility clinic. Christmas is my most favourite time and I am not stressing about TTC until it's all over with!

I do have a big family dinner this week where I am anticipating all the "it'll be you next" comments from well-meaning relatives. My mum and my aunt have already promised me they will throw bread rolls at anyone making such comments

I appreciate all the support in this thread. You're right, I need to chill out about it - but I just wish DH could see that this is about more than just a bath, and about showing me that he is doing something to help however small it may be.

OP posts:

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 20/11/2016 20:41

Take up your dad's offer! I doubt anything would make him happier than seeing you happy.

Marmalady75 · 20/11/2016 20:41

We were in a similar situation with my dh. He gave up baths and going to the sauna. It may seem ridiculous to people who have never been in the situation, but if there is something (anything!) you can do or stop doing that might improve your chances then you do it. I can totally understand your frustration.

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/11/2016 20:42

milkshake if it was guaranteed to work I would take him up on the offer in a heartbeat - but I can't face disappointing him if he spends £10k and it still doesn't happen. I feel like enough of a failure as it is!

OP posts:

Luggage16 · 20/11/2016 20:45

baths are fine but he should watch the temperature. Switching from pants to loose fitting boxers is meant to help too. Have faith! We were told we needed IVF to stand any chance of conceiving (dual infertility) but now have 2 lovely children naturally xx

BobbieDog · 20/11/2016 20:49

Not read all the thread but when we were struggling to concieve the GP asked me if dh had hot baths.

He has a bath every day. The GP told him to stop the baths as it kills the sperm for quite some time from just one single bath. He stopped the baths straightaway and we concieved within 2 months after. The day i got my positive result he had a bath!

RentANDBills · 20/11/2016 20:50

for you, OP.
It must be incredibly difficult for you.

I do get a sense from the tone of your writing that this upset has perhaps influenced a lot of your behaviour and thinking and you could be quite consumed by conception which will be overshadowing a lot in your life, including controlling what your husband is doing.

Take a step back, and chill out for yourself. As PPs have said, stress isn't going to help.

SemiNormal · 20/11/2016 20:51

I hope you take your dad up on his offer OP, if you feel so bad about it then pay it back when/if you can afford to or ask that it be your birthday/Christmas presents for the next 10 years!!

mathanxiety · 20/11/2016 20:52

You want to feel emotionally supported as you go through this, and you want to feel that you are together in your journey. Your efforts to conceive are no different from any other strain on a relationship in that regard. No matter what the outcome of your efforts is, you are still going to be looking at each other across the breakfast table as long as you both shall live. Giving the metaphorical middle finger to what you are supposedly both focusing on is going to pull you apart, just as doing it in the case of saving for a house and then blowing the savings at the track or taking the money and spending it on a fancy car.

He is BU. If you're both in this together then he needs to show evidence of that. Otherwise he is risking the relationship. You don't want to resent him when you are approaching 50 for not doing all he could when conception might have been possible.

I just wish DH could see that this is about more than just a bath, and about showing me that he is doing something to help however small it may be.
This^^

Kittenmummy1 · 20/11/2016 20:53

OP I've been there. The rows we had about underpants!

Fwiw re fertility clinics, please please please respect the ones with the best results per cycle, for ICSI. Some clinics are quoting over 60% live birth per cycle, which means it's a lot less of a financial gamble.

Benedikte2 · 20/11/2016 20:53

Don't look at it like that OP. Your chances with IVF are as good as anyone else's. If you don't try then you can guarantee it won't work. Your DF will know he has done everything he can for you whatever the result and that will give him satisfaction in itself.
Not up to you personally, of course no more than most people are responsible for their physical disabilities so need for guilt. Nature has just not been fair but with the assistance of science could help you conceive.
Good Luck

whattodowiththepoo · 20/11/2016 20:54

YABU

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/11/2016 21:00

whattodo thank you for the super supportive post, much appreciated

OP posts:

Welshrainbow · 20/11/2016 21:03

Obviously it's a really difficult time for you and emotions are running high but I think you are being unreasonable. He wants a baby presumably as much as you as you've said and he's just found out that he is the one with the problem, he's probably upset and stressing about. Asking him not to have a bath at the point he is running it isn't going to help. It's the sort of thing you need to bring up in a proper discussion maybe somewhere away from the house even. Also remember it's not just your chance to be a mother it's his chance to be a father too. Technically in his head you could leave him tomorrow and get pregnant with someone else but he will still struggle to conceive with anyone.

As someone who has been more in his shoes or the problems are with me, give him some time to come terms with it then have a chat with him and out a plan in place including the usual co-Q10 etc and possibly saving for ICSI-IVF.

Liiinoo · 20/11/2016 21:03

I feel for both of you. This is an incredibly difficult time and feelings run very high. Quite apart from his grief and frustration at not being able to have the baby he longs to father, your DH must be devastated that it is his low sperm count that is stopping you becoming a mother.

Under the circumstances I would cut him some slack. His sperm count is so low that I doubt very much the temperature of the occasional bath (especially if appropriately timed around your fertile period) is going to make any significant difference to your chances of a natural conception. It is probably time to start exploring other options together.

Try and bear in mind that this is just as much about him becoming a dad as it is about you becoming a mum. You are in this together - if a bath soothes him and relaxes him, let him have the occasional soak without making him feel guilty.

Very best of luck with it.

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/11/2016 21:06

Welsh sorry I thought I had said, DH already has a 7 year old daughter so although we although are 100% in this together, he himself has admitted that he has struggled to understand exactly how I feel because he doesn't have the we worry of never being a parent. But your point is still valid and much appreciated.

OP posts:

Bonniethewestie123 · 20/11/2016 21:11

YANBU
Sorry. One bath will not impact too much. Be kind to each other at this stressful time. X
Sending best wishes. X

Bonniethewestie123 · 20/11/2016 21:12

Arghhhh.. Sorry YABU!!

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/11/2016 21:13

Another point worth mentioning is that he has point blank refused to consider a sperm donor or adoption. Which he has every right to veto, but when you consider that he does already have a child, then this does become about his decisions impacting on my chances of becoming a mother. And even if him having a bath is unlikely to make a difference, as I've said before, it's about showing solidarity and demonstrating that he is willing to do something to help our chances.

OP posts:

Welshrainbow · 20/11/2016 21:13

Sorry I re read the OP after and saw he already had a DC. It does make a difference but he is probably still finding it hard to imagine not having g one with you too. It's good your relationship is strong though it bodes well for you getting through it together. Hopefully a couple months off temping and opks and him getting his head round everything and cooperating a bit more will help and 2017 will be your year. It is an incredibly hard situation to be in OP.

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/11/2016 21:14

I'll point out as well that now I've calmed down I of course realise I am being ridiculously unreasonable, and will have a nice hot bath waiting for DH when he gets back from work tomorrow!

OP posts:

SarcasmMode · 20/11/2016 21:14

Could he have a warm instead of hot bath?

Is he avoiding alcohol, smoking and large quantities of caffeine? These won't help his sperm count.

I understand your frustration but try not to let things like this get between you both- ttc is hard enough without fights.

I wish you good luck.

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