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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by DH's bath?

113 replies

KellyBoo800 · 20/11/2016 19:46

We've been TTC for a year, DH has a sperm count of 2 million and we've been given a 0.5% chance of conceiving naturally, and won't be able to get IVF on the NHS. We only found out on Friday.

I bought DH some vitamins that I prompt him to take every evening when I take mine, which isn't an issue. But DH just started to run a bath, so I reminded him (having discussed it yesterday) that baths are not good for him with his low count. He said "OK we can have sex first and then I'll have a bath". I then explained that that's not how it works and that he needs to avoid hot baths in general to help with healthy sperm production. He said "fine I'll have a shower" but seemed sulky about it.

AIBU to be pissed off? I've spent the best part of a year temping, using OPK's, checking cervical mucus, and reading up on anything and everything that can help. He's not even so much as Googled what can help his low count, and now is getting grotty that he can't have a fucking bath!

Before anyone asks, he wants to have a baby as much as I do. But he does already have a DD and had a low count back then too, so I think he is just of the mind that it'll happen eventually so just go with the flow, whereas he doesn't seem to realise that having a low count 8 years ago and having a low count now are not the same because his count has decreased dramatically so it's not going to "just happen" by itself.

I'm probably being too emotional about this but the one thing he could do to fucking support me right now is give up his weekly fucking bath and he can't even do that without fucking sulking. Hopefully his 20 minute fucking shower has given him some time to realise what an arse he is being!!!

OP posts:

CurlySusanFox · 20/11/2016 20:01

I'm in a similar situation to you and please - it will ruin your relationship if you get this angsty about things that don't matter.

Hot baths mean fuck all at that low count.

I REALLY REALLY do understand xx

acquiescence · 20/11/2016 20:01

I can completely understand this annoyance, I was the same with my OH even though he had a good spent count. I made him chuck out his tight underwear! But YABU, you need to do every thing you can to stay relaxed and respect each other as much as possible so you don't end up compromising your relationship. Good luck with ttc. Have you looked into egg sharing if cost for ivf is an issue?

Softkitty2 · 20/11/2016 20:03

Tell him straight that him giving up a hot bath (in the short term) is not comparable to you giving up the chance of being a mother. He needs to make the sacrifices because you are.

I think he is in denial that its his sperm thats the problem. He needs to hear some home truths.

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/11/2016 20:04

I've probably painted a bad picture of our relationship we are stronger than ever right now because we are going through this together. There are times when I feel alone, but we talk about it and we are good. We are emotionally supportive of each other, but up until now he has not had to physically do anything to improve our chances. I feel like I've invested so much in improving my chances when the doc thought I wasn't ovulating (including losing 2 stone) that if the tables were turned, I know I'd give up a weekly bath in a heartbeat if it meant it improved our chances even fractionally.

For what it's worth, he is now out of the bath and trying to find some nice smelling lotion to give me a foot rub. I married a keeper.

OP posts:

ChuckGravestones · 20/11/2016 20:05

I've never met a man who can actually take [what I would call] a hot bath. Their bawbags are too sensitive.

alphabook · 20/11/2016 20:07

YANBU. I agonised about doing everything I could to improve my fertility when DH and I were struggling to conceive, it's so frustrating when you feel like your partner isn't making the same effort. After taking vitamins, cutting out hot baths and wearing looser pants DH's sperm count did improve.

Wonderflonium · 20/11/2016 20:08

Have you seen this: onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/killing-sperm/ it suggests that jacuzzis and hot tub usage might be a problem but not baths as such. I guess it all depends if he has the water at hot tub levels and stays in for a long time?

littlemissblue · 20/11/2016 20:10

Hi I feel for you! We tried for 5 years for our first baby with no luck but had IVF and had our son. Had another round 3 years later and had our daughter. My DH count then was very low and we were given a 1% chance of ever conceiving naturally. We did everything like you do to try to avoid IVF - (vitamins, no hot baths, herbal remedies, lost weight etc etc) but I did have acupuncture and with the 2nd round of IVF my husband had acupuncture too - only 10 times but the clinic told us his count had quadrupled and I'm SURE it was the acupuncture!

6 months after my DD was born I found out I was pregnant naturally!!!! Totally shocked but never considered using protection after years of trying and no joy, and I'm sure it was the acupuncture! My 2 girls are 15 months apart!

Anyway - get him to a fertility acupuncturist ASAP!!!! X

SaltyBitch · 20/11/2016 20:12

I know how hard it is, but really let the man have a bath. But a big splash of cold in it. I'd be gutted to lose my baths, they are my time for regaining sanity.

Bountybarsyuk · 20/11/2016 20:14

Some villages are 'destination' villages in that people go there specifically to visit, especially in touristy areas. Their populations are low, but if they live in a fairly well-off area and have bus loads of tourists, that's why cafes and pubs proliferate in them. Not in a village of 500, but I've just looked up the local village I'm thinking of and it's about 1600 people but has 5 cafes. You can't throw a strop, if anything having an attractive other venue may draw people into your area.

Bountybarsyuk · 20/11/2016 20:14

Sorry, wrong thread entirely!

Bluebeck · 20/11/2016 20:15

YANBU, it does sound like he is being thoughtless and selfish. I hope it happens for you soon OP

SaltyBitch · 20/11/2016 20:15

I've never met a man who can actually take [what I would call] a hot bath. Their bawbags are too sensitive.

I agree with this. When I run DH a bath he gets in and blasts the cold tap because he looks like he's about to cry.

Bountybarsyuk · 20/11/2016 20:17

But, OP, I agree with you on this- it's not a much replicated finding, but there is evidence to suggest that it's better to avoid hot baths, so why wouldn't you, as part of a package of lifestyle changes:

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6418771.stm

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 20/11/2016 20:22

I had infertility for ten years and three rounds of IVF so I know how hard it is.

I can see how how frustrated you must be but you can't micro manage everything otherwise you will make yourself ill. Dh messed his sperm sample up and I nearly left him 🙈

GreenPetal94 · 20/11/2016 20:22

Its upsetting you can't conceive, but I think you have to just keep trying not worry overly about the little details. Obviously the recent news is v upsetting. Do you have other options? Be kind to yourself and to dh.

HolidayHunterTeam · 20/11/2016 20:23

I am with you OP. Regardless of the status of the evidence he is actually potentially asking you to give up more by having a bath. Don't worry about it though.

Next time I would ask him rather than dictate to him. He probably feels like a kid being told what to do than realising how it affects you

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/11/2016 20:23

Bounty might be the wrong thread but it made me smile!

Thanks all, you're right it's a fucking bath and it won't make a difference. I just feel like I've made all the sacrifices and he hasn't had to.

I know that our relationship is under a lot of pressure because of this but we are both making a huge effort to make sure we are OK - making lots of travel plans (that couldn't happen if a baby happened), lots of dates, gigs etc. If anything this has brought us closer together. I'm just having a particularly bad weekend - I'm usually at peace with the fact that we will need treatment, but found out today that my 19 year old brother has gotten his girlfriend of 2 months pregnant (my older brother did the same thing late last year) so I'm just feeling a bit crappy about it all.

And to the PP who mentioned egg sharing - I have looked into it but it all depends on if further tests show that I have ovulatory problems. My dad has already decided that he is going to fund a 3 cycle IVF package for me if needed but I don't feel I can let him do that, as amazing an offer it is!

OP posts:

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 20/11/2016 20:26

If your dad is offering take it up! You might be able to freeze a batch of embies and use those in your cycles which is much much cheaper!

SaltyBitch · 20/11/2016 20:28

Definitely take your Dad's offer OP!

Potatoooooo · 20/11/2016 20:29

It doesn't matter. He will be making sacrifices when that baby comes - such as no sex for 6 weeks

allegretto · 20/11/2016 20:31

I've been there too and I totally get you OP. It seems like very little to give up - he probably doesn't think about all the things you have had to go through! Not to crow but hopefully to give you a bit of hope - we did actually conceive with a similar diagnosis (and lower count). Afterwards DH went back to doing all the things that I had been telling him not to do! Hope you get success, bath or no bath.

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/11/2016 20:33

I really don't know if I can! He works very hard for his money (in a very physical job, and he's approaching his 50s so it's becoming a struggle) although he does own the business. I know my mum and dad are heartbroken for me right now but I think I'd feel guilty if they paid for IVF and it didn't work.

I feel guilty enough about being so upset this weekend around my little brother and his girlfriend. She is already and amazing mum and he will be a fantastic dad, but I was very overwhelmed and there were lots of tears. I apologised repeatedly to his girlfriend for being so upset and said it wasn't because of her, just because of my own situation! She hugged me and cried with me but she definitely thinks I'm pissed off with her when I'm not

OP posts:

bookeatingboy · 20/11/2016 20:34

We spend ten years having some form of fertility treatment so I really do understand where you are right now just after getting the news.

My advice would be to give yourself a few days to digest the news you've been given and then get active in planning. This was my plan and although we failed many times I never gave up and always looked forward and eventually had our twin boys.

Take the kind gift from your dad (he wants this for you too) and get planning your next move... good luck!

Horsegirl1 · 20/11/2016 20:34

I'm so sorry things are difficult but I doubt one bath will make much difference. Sometimes stressing causes in fertility. I don't mean to sound patronising but what I mean is maybe a bath is his way of relaxing amd escaping x

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