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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does you're mil favour your SIL DC over yours?

116 replies

Underthemoonlight · 19/11/2016 14:07

This has an issue I've noticed after SIL had her DD. I had DS 6 months prior. Mil makes minimal effort in regards to DS, a little more effort with DD and minimal effort with DS1 from a previous relationship but is constantly with SIL and DGD apparently I've got my own DM and it's different with you're DDs child, Aibu to be annoyed? I have two DS2 and one DD and I just couldn't imagine not making the same effort with all my GC regardless if it's my DS child or DD child

OP posts:

TheScottishPlay · 20/11/2016 02:43

Pils live, eat and breathe Sil's and her DC to an almost comic level. I visited today and was relayed an irrelevant conversation between Sil's DS and Mil verbatim! This is a symptom of the amount of time they all spend together and I don't envy that at all.
It does grate that DS is rarely in their house without his cousins being there though and he is constantly called his younger cousin's name which is our surname!
They are good to us and DS though and are generous with gifts etc which I would assume would more or less equal.
DH, DS and I spend much more time with my DM and DH was close to my DF when he was here so it all evens out.
I don't focus on it too much as the situation wont change. I don't want the 'living in each other's pockets' closeness Sil and her DC have with them which is perhaps a result of the type of relationship Sil and her DH have.

frogsgoladidadidah · 20/11/2016 02:48

Yes!!!!

MidniteScribbler · 20/11/2016 03:07

Honestly, the unfair treatment of DS1 would be the end of it for me. How fucking petty to treat a child badly because he's from a previous relationship. I wouldn't allow my child to be around anyone who had that sort of mentality.

TowerRavenSeven · 20/11/2016 03:47

I've seen it a lot too.

Original poster

Underthemoonlight · 20/11/2016 06:06

It's hard midnight to challenge about ds1 when at the same time they aren't overly arsed about the others. I actually wonder if it's because he's a boy because they aren't bothered as much with DS2 either but make abit more effort with DD. We have definitely pulled away and went low contact.

OP posts:

Shutupanddance1 · 20/11/2016 06:26

My mum told me that even between me and my brother (we both have babies) it was a totally different experience for her when I had a baby as I was the one physically having the baby.

That being said, she treats both grand babies alike, like abroad though so she sees my niece more.
My MIL is fabulous but she's not an involved nanny to the grandkids that she has already so I'm not expecting her to change for our baby. Although she does love them all dearly I should add.

grubblyplank · 20/11/2016 08:30

PIL favour SIL's children over mine and have done for a long time despite SIL living at the other end of the country. They see more of them at Christmas, Easter and summer holidays, birthdays. We live 10 mins away and my DC don't get a fraction of that interest.

DH has said he has raised this with his parents and they have vehemently denied this, but have not made any material changes to their behaviour since being made aware of it. I have removed myself from the relationship-DH takes the DC to visit them now.

DH disagrees that they get treated any differently so we have to agree to disagree. However, I feel sad for DH that this whole situation throws light on his own relationship with his DPs and their disinterest in him and his family.

ElizaMarie · 20/11/2016 08:37

Sadly we have a similar relationship with MIL in that all her time, money & affections are spent on her DD's children & so she has little left for ours. We have tried to ignore it & just concentrate on our own little family and not feel too put out but it's easier said than done!

To top it off we have been told recently that she has been bad mouthing me to other family members so maybe it's me she doesn't want to see rather than our DC!!

treaclesoda · 20/11/2016 08:38

My MIL has four grandchildren and favours one of my children over the other three. It hurts SIL terribly, and I don't like it either.

franincisco · 20/11/2016 08:39

Between my siblings and step siblings it may seem as if my parents favour my children in terms of time, but I am the only one out of us all that invites them to my house for dinner etc, so they are in my house much more than any of the others, even though we live the furthest distance. They are not the "drop in" type of people, so unless you specifically invite them they wouldn't visit.

NomadDaisy · 20/11/2016 08:48

I am very close to my dad's mum, she definitely favoured me over my cousins (children of my aunt). My dad was her obviously favourite child. It's not always daughters who are loved more. ( bit unkind but true) .These threads are such a downer if you have a boy but it dosent always work like that. In many countries boys are favoured over girls - just seems to be in the UK that women much prefer having girls . Bit sexist.

MadisonAvenue · 20/11/2016 08:52

Mine does.
She would drive for 3 hours to see SIL's children on their birthdays but often couldn't be bothered to drive 3 miles to see our children on their birthdays. Once she called in on her way to work to give one of ours their birthday present (she had to pass the end of the road, 50 yards away) and I'd taken him out, unaware that she'd be calling by, so she simply put his card through the letterbox and threw his present over the rear gate into the garden - despite having to pass by again on her way home from work.
Same with school events. She'd drive 300 miles for SIL's kids yet showed total disinterest when invited to anything our kids were involved in at school, even the annual show that Year 3 put on specifically for grandparents. She made her excuses about that twice.

misson · 20/11/2016 10:23

We have it too. It's awful.

I get that mil prefers the company of her own daughter to me. It's just sad that she extends it to my kids. Things like providing somewhere to sleep for the cousins but expecting ours to sleep on the floor.

When we see her, she spends all her time talking to dh or showing pictures of the cousins on her ipad. My kids know. That's the worst bit.

I have three children. I can't imagine loving one of their children more than the others.

GreenHen · 20/11/2016 10:34

The saddest thing about this whole situation for me is the lasting legacy.

We have one child which was DH's choice (to be fair I wasn't broody enough to push it) - and the reason he states is that having a sibling for him was very negative - more so as an adult. His parents are, seemingly, oblivious to what they have done and he just couldn't face us doing the same thing. I think if I had a 'normal' family on my side things may have been different...I wish I had seen the full picture back when DD was little and having another child was still an option.

crazycatzz · 20/11/2016 13:13

My DM loves all her dgc equally. I will love all mine equally too. It would be incredibly strange not too, they are all blood relatives regardless of who the mother is.

Loulou2kent · 20/11/2016 13:18

Mythical it's like I wrote your post. SIL was & will always be favourite. DP & our boys never get a look in. We've slowly pulled right away & spend much less time with them now. Used to make me so cross.

MythicalChicken · 21/11/2016 15:52

So sorry this has also happened to you, Loulou2kent .

Loulou2kent · 21/11/2016 18:41

Mythical I often wonder if MIL realises how obvious it is. She was very much for SIL when they were young. DP never got a look in & even now she never messages to ask how he is let alone the kids. He's had two very long hospital stays & not ever gone to see him or help me out.

Yet she's always whisking the other two off on holidays & if ever we've been out shopping she's automatically gone to by my SIL's kids stuff yet not a thought for the boys. Not that I'd want them spoilt like she does the others, but sometimes I'd like them to just ask her for stuff to watch her squirm. We actually got a massive blown up photo of our kids to put on her shelf with the photos. It stands out & they're the first kids you see now! Haha always makes me smile .

I completely understand those grandparents that may help the grandchildren that need it most. Broken families or no money etc. I even completely understand that it's natural for daughters to spend more time with their mums with the grandchildren. But when you try & try to make an effort, go out to places with them & invite them over constantly but your children never get a look in it does press my buttons.

My kids don't see them much now & it's her loss. I never bad mouth her to them & never would. She's they're nanny. But I'm not spending more time than the minimum there because I just can't watch my sons confused face when their cousins have their own rooms & my kids have never had an invite to stay or no toys are brought for the sole purpose of being at nannys house to play with. It's all stuff for the others.

Wow this turned into a really long rant but I just hope to god I never make my fuTure DIL feel like this ever. I want to be just close to all my grandchildren if I'm allowed!

Loulou2kent · 21/11/2016 18:50

Greenhen it's funny you mention that. My DP was adamant he only wanted one child as he was terrified one wouldn't feel as loved etc. He was so scared he wouldn't be able to treat them the same. Turns out we now have two & both are very much loved the same

Whatsername17 · 21/11/2016 18:54

It is the other way around for us. Pil favour our dd. I think it is because dh is their pfb golden bollocks! It will be interesting to see how they are with number 2.

Original poster

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 20:29

For those the other way round how you deal with it. I know SIL seems to be having my mil wanting to spend all the time with the baby and moaning when her DP is home working away. My annoyance is she could share her time equally yet chooses not to do so. I see two sides on our situation.

OP posts:

wornoutboots · 22/11/2016 09:58

"mammy, nan loves [cousin] most doesn't she?" - my son, aged 4, about his step-grandmother. "she loves him most not me or [brother]."

yep, she does. And also SIL over my husband

chunkymum1 · 22/11/2016 10:17

I can see that a grandmother will feel closer to her DD than her DIL and therefore, if the mother is at home with the children more than the father, feel able to spend more time with DD and her children than DIL and her children. But I would have assumed that a grandmother would want to spend a similar amount of time with all her grandchildren.

I wonder if this is some sort of old-fashioned idea? My paternal grandmother spent very little time with me and my siblings when I was young. Apparently she went as far as telling my DM that grandparents are always closer to their daughter's children- and even refused to look after us when DM was ill as this was apparently her mother's role (which would have been tricky since she was dead by then). Her house was full of toys for when my cousins visited but we were not allowed to play with them as apparently they were special and we might break them. She also displayed photos of my cousins everywhere but none of us (despite DF sending her school photos every year). In later life I discovered that she bought each of my cousins a car when they turned 18- I got a pound coin taped to a card (first card I had received from them for many years).

ShowMePotatoSalad · 22/11/2016 10:30

MIL has 5 grandchildren (1 of them mine) and she does play favourites. She likes 1 in particular much more than the others. She's openly admitted to it, and she told me how she'd missed this grandchild so much because she hadn't seem him for a week, but she rarely makes the effort to see my son (sometimes goes months), so it was a bit of a weird thing to say to me.

If I take him round to see her she might give him a cuddle but usually she's too busy doing something else to spend time with it. She always says to him "you don't even know who I am do you?" . Sad really, she's missing out on so much.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 22/11/2016 10:30

Sorry spend time with "him|"...not "it".

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