Does you're mil favour your SIL DC over yours?

[Underthemoonlight]

This has an issue I've noticed after SIL had her DD. I had DS 6 months prior. Mil makes minimal effort in regards to DS, a little more effort with DD and minimal effort with DS1 from a previous relationship but is constantly with SIL and DGD apparently I've got my own DM and it's different with you're DDs child, Aibu to be annoyed? I have two DS2 and one DD and I just couldn't imagine not making the same effort with all my GC regardless if it's my DS child or DD child

Haven't read thread, just OP.

I would say yes. BUT ... mitigating circumstances:

XMIL had no daughters but favored her youngest son's kids because he was a waste of space and SIL virtually lived at MILs house - bit like a daughter. SIL had no housework to do and just sat on her arse round MILs and MIL payed for everything to do with the kids. Took them on Florida holidays ect. Nowt for other GCs. Hardly bothered with ours at all. Didn't bother me any tbh.

Current MIL. Lovely woman, but her DD doesn't seem able to leave home properly. Despite having her own home after 2 relationships and 2 kids and a VERY well paid job MIL is doing 90% the child rearing for her. To the cost of her health actually. Other GCs are there ALOT less but that's not MILs intention.

My MIL (who we no longer see) was/is infinitely more interested in my BIL's DS than our DD.

She even said outrightly that "well boys are different aren't they?"

Err...

My MIL's only daughter doesn't have kids and probably never will lifestyle choice although she is still relatively young and currently single but my MIL is very equal with all her grandkids.

My mum is no different with mine or my sisters kids than she is to my brothers children.

I'm very sad that that step grandchild is treated so differently though. I always find that so fucking nasty.

My MIL is like this and is much closer to my SILs children. My own mum is much closer to my DC. I think it's pretty normal.

It does make me feel uncomfortable crunchy especially at Christmas as he doesn't get as much, I certainly notice it but DH is great and always makes the extra effort for him at Christmas. Mil didn't come to ds1 birthday at the house but came to DD birthday celebration and DH could understand where I'm coming from even my own DM can see that ds1 isn't treated as part of their family. SIL came to both and always has made the effort even said he could call her auntie. If DH says anything it would cause arguments so we now don't go round as much.

My paternal grandma favoured her daughter's children (my cousins) over my sister and I. It was odd really because she seemed to favour my dad over my aunt. Anyway, it was obvious and hurtful. Even as adults, we still feel very pushed out by the closeness of that side of the family. I make a lot of effort but my sister has totally given up, she doesn't care. I do though, very much. I loved my grandma dearly, she was a kind woman for the most part but she just adored my cousins and seemed to view us very differently. :(

My mum doesn't favour my kids. But we spend more time together.

Dbro complained about it and I pointed out that mum actually visits me less than she doesn't him nd sil. My parents are only allowed round if it's been arranged at least 2 days in advance and they never visit her just to see her. Only if they are dropping the kids off to be babysat.

Me, dh and the kids visit them, help them out (neither in the east of health) , invite them out with us, I'll take mum out for the day etc.

Mum visits them at a set time that they have said is OK and she never misses a visit. She loves them all the same but understands that sil wants to spend more time with her own mum.

My brother actually agreed when it was split out but nothing changed. They still don't bother with my parents unless they want something.

Yyy. Big bugbear of mine

I'm really glad I'm not the only one. How do you all deal with it? We have distance ourselves but we do have to have some contact but how best to minimise the impact on the DC?

I do think its quite common, not always the case but I have seen it alot. I actually see more of my son's kids than the other grandmother but that is due to distance, she really isn't near enough to pick up from school etc. Having said that I have the kids today and she is visiting so out with her daughter, I do think that is odd when she is only here for a few days and they are at school for most days. Still her loss.

Maybe its payback for all the mums on here who want their mum to see the baby first, father's mother often seems surplus to requirements. I wonder if that is part of it for some families? I don't know about that as I don't know anyone in RL who hasn't had a visit from ILs within a day or so of baby being born but I can imagine feeling pushed out if I was told I couldn't see the baby for x days when knowing the other grandmother was there.

Under we raise above it as best we can it is no different really to how she treated her children when they were small she was told me I was parenting wrong as what she done was spoil my husband the eldest until his brother came along when he was five then it was the little brothers turn to be spoilt and bought everything, seven years later she had the youngest her daughter and it was her turn to be spoilt - 30 years later it's still he turn
And she really did mean it for example when there were the two boys just the youngest was bought a ton of presents and the eldest only got stocking filler bits
When the youngest was small for example she was bought every must have toy and gadget - hundreds of pounds worth and the boys got £20-30 of bits and bobs I always felt it was very strange (husband and I dated from mid teens) so I've witnessed this for years as my mum always tries to treat her 3 children equally

Underthemoonlight, I found that it upset me more than the kids so I dealt with it by taking no notice, if I made a fuss it just upset the kids.

Under I am not sure that distancing yourself is the answer as this will reinforce the divide.

Maybe look at the problem differently - forgetting everyone else what role do you want your MiL to play in YOUR family? How often do you want to see her? Then make that happen if you can, eg

• tell her you'd like to visit, and bring something like a cake that the kids have helped make
• invite her to join in with something you are doing
• ask her to take the children to a local attraction or film or Christmas show
• and get HER SON involved.

If things don't feel any better after a few months then at least you've tried.

I know il raise above it, I'm so lucky to have my dps who have always been there for all there DC and DGC. Everyone is treated equally including partners at Christmas. I find it massively awkward at Christmas with the inlaws especially when DH,DD have big size bags and me and ds1 have medium/ smallish bags. I wonder what this year will be Atleast ds2 will be too little to know. It's funny how FIL has all noticed and told mil how she's not as hands on with ours but I think it's fallen on death doors.

The worst I have ever seen was not my pils thank goodness, but another relative. They spoil their only DD's child disgustingly. The kid is round the house all the time. They are not rich, but the DD is always borrowing money from them even though she earns good money and works whatever shifts she pleases as her parents will babysit at the drop of the hat. Meanwhile the couple have two sons whose children are basically ignored, even though in one case the son and dil have two children with SN and bloody deserve more support

Anyway, I was round at the house of this relative and I went into their living room. There was a veritable mountain of toys for the five year old grandson, DD's son. Massive train track thing, boxes of action figures, a slide. Over £200 of toys which they proudly told me was dgs Christmas presents from them

I later found out that the other dgc got a set of pyjamas each for Christmas from their grandparents

We have invited her to baby shower she didn't come but went to SILs, invited her to DS1 birthday didn't come but came to DD birthday, invited them for dinner before didn't come. They invite SIL for dinner we don't get invited. They are polite enough when we used to call round but we found it was always one sided so DH stopped making the effort. She only saw DD because SIL had taken her round as she was out with her, SIL has a lovely relationship with DD. When I was having DS it was SIL who had DD.

DD has no idea - we don't tell her how much the GP see the other grandchildren (they live much further away than us too) and as this is her only set of grandparents she has nothing to compare it to. We just don't mention them at all in front of her.

They were the first people to see DD - two hours after she was born. Never put any restrictions at all on when they could see her. SIL, on the other hand, refused all visitors - including them, for two weeks after her first was born.

No - I think what happened was we made an actively choice to step outside the drama triangle, stop competing for their affections and this is the punishment. It is just plain dysfunctional.

Sadly, yes. Odd thing is my sil is not my husband's sister. She is my husbands brothers wife. Although husband is the younger brother of the 2 of them, so perhaps that's what it is. The first born being the favourite.

Definitely.
SIL live next door to PIL and we are an hour away so it's no surprise. What has been a surprise is seeing nephews xmas and birthday gifts that I know cost £40-50 each, whereas my two get £20 in a card. Just one example.
FIL even said about my nephews "oh, ours do that...." Ours!?

Oh absolutely, DS is always last.

It's actually really upsetting for DP as his sisters can go out with no notice, do whatever but even in emergencies we are told they can't.

In the end, he just told them he won't keep reminding them we exist and they can let us know if and when they want to see us.

My mum lives abroad and she's far more interested in DP than his own parents, let alone her grandchild.

My Sil got the 'ours' thing as well from my mum. Awful. I can't imagine what goes through their heads.

Works both ways though. When I was pregnant with dd, my mum was visiting my brother and his children and his wife's mum's comment to my mum was "you'll be having one soon, won't you."

Not SIL as ILs don't have a daughter, but they do have a Golden Child and it's noticeable (to me at least) that Golden Child's DC is massively favoured over our DC - for example, for years we invited ILs for Christmas but they made a big deal of how they don't celebrate, wanted to do things for adults and it was made very clear that they didn't find the thought of Christmas with small children appealing. Which is fine, but now Golden Child's DC is here, they are falling over themselves to spend Christmas and other holidays with them and always saying how holidays are meant for children and family, how adorable DC is, how well behaved and clever (actually an indulged PFB) etc etc.

Am I bitter? Yes. It must be horrible for DH. It's so bloody blatant.

I think this is more common than you realise tbh.

And not always in the daughters favour.

I have learnt (and its taken over a decade tbh) to not give a shit. I think of when the possibly will need from us and the answer will be a resounding "see golden child".

I am not a particularly nice person though. Especially when my children are treated as a poor second choice.

Sort of, but SIL visits one weekend a month whereas MIL is in our lives on a more day to day basis. At the very least she picks ds up from nursery once a week and has him for the afternoon. So when SIL is here MIL focuses on her dc to even it out a bit.